Better Today

I just needed to get all of that off my chest. It has been such a huge stress and worry for me.

We already have the second opinion set up and thanks to another friend who is working on a third. If C needs surgery, we will need to see a different Dr anyway so I would rather start establishing that relationship now.

We are still not mentioning it to our families right now.

Thanks for all the thoguhts and prayers coming our way for little C. It is appreciated.

Comments are back on now as well. :)

Paralyzer

This post is going to be a rant filled post and tons of talk about C so reader beware.

This issue I am about to discuss has caused me a huge amount of worry & stress. It is not going on the private blog for now.

I took C to the eye Dr today because we had noticed he is still cross eyed at times and the pediatrician said that should have gone away at 2 months. So I get to the children's hospital and I saw the Dr for a total of 2 minutes. He looked at his dilated eyes, pushed his head until he cried and said he has a 4th nerve paralysis. He said he recommends we wait 6 more months because sometimes it gets better. Then he left. Now how do I take the fact that you just told me my baby's eye nerve is paralyzed and that you just walk out? Not very well. I had already at that point decided to get a second opinion. This is C's vision we are talking about. Not something to take lightly.

I am beyond pissed, but not just at the Dr. I am pissed at the world. WTF??? Why does all this shit keep happening to us? Why do we have to keep fighting with the medical world and have all this crazy stuff happen? Why does C have to be affected this time? I can take a nasty diagnosis for me. I can shoot up my still bruised & cyst filled stomach for 8 months, but why my baby?

According to what I read during his short nap he is seeing double right now. He also tips his head to the side to compensate. He has tipped his head to the right since birth. Remember when I talked about him not looking at us? Well it all makes sense now. It was too much stimulation for him since he was seeing us double. Everything I read so far also says it doesn't get better and surgery after 6 months is usually performed.

As I look at my beautiful baby boy rolling on the floor taking toys off his play gym(don't know how he managed the one he has) I am sad, scared & worried. Will we ever have a normal time? Or is this our new normal? Specialists from pre-conception onward. Ear infections that turn into bacteria in the blood. Never getting to have a normal Dr visit where all is well. This is just the beginning.

Do I have it in me to do this? Do I have it in me for the next fight, and the next, and the next?

Then I look at C (who is now rolling the play gym with him and trying to get into daddy's camera bag) and I know I do. I have to do this for him. I want him to really have normal vision. So I will fight to get the right Dr and diagnosis. I have already made an appt for a second opinion. I will do what I need to for him, whatever it takes.

Trust your instinct if you suspect something isn't right, maybe you will be wrong, but the majority of the time mom's are right.

Because when I look at C and he gives me that huge, open mouth smile, I realize something. All of the fights; past, present and future are so worth it. I will fight for him because that is what a mother does for her son.

** Comments are turned off for this post. I really don't want sunshine blown up my ass right now. Everything is not all right or OK. This whole situation fucking sucks!

first time in a long time

I cried at the therapy session. There are lots of things going on right now that is really stressful for me. I am anxious and worried. We talked about Autumn a lot and how to deal with it being right in my face now. It helps alot. I am still grieving for her which I don't think I realized until today.

Then today I get back and there are pink balloons. There is a baby shower for them today. The hits just keep on coming.

Mrs Spock thanks for the comment about the angel wall. I will be sending my info to her.

Thanks for everyone still reading and commenting. It means alot to me. I never thought I would still need the support.

Meeting

I met the baby named Autumn. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I only saw her for a brief second. She is a preemie and is very tiny. They were really rushed to get her around to see everyone. So that is over now. Still very sad to hear them talk about her after they left and say her name out loud.

Cube walls are thin **Edited**

A guy that sits near me at work is back from his paternity leave. He has been back for a week after his wife had their baby a couple weeks ago. He doesn't speak very much and is pretty quiet. I never heard what they named their baby until last week. Their little girl's name is Autumn. Luckily for me he is very quiet. This is going to be hard.

Edited to add -
He is bringing her up to visit today. I am going to need some strength today. Or a drink, either works.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Today is a day to remember BB, Autumn and all of the other angels taken too soon. If you have lost a little one, my thoughts are with you today.

I really need to get down to the angel statute soon. We have teddy bears for our two angels. I really need to make it a priorty some time soon on the weekend and just go. Maybe I will jsut have to make the drive by myself, but I need to go down soon. I feel bad that we haven't been down there in over a year.

Do I really need a paycheck?

It has been one of those days once again. I really wish I could work from home. I think I would do much better not being in a cube and dealing with office drama. Actually I would love to be my own boss. Any ideas on how to do that?

So on days like today I just keep my headphones on and repeat to myself "I have never been fired before, don't start now" and "I need a paycheck".