Wednesday, October 31, 2007

My Babydaddy

The picture says it all. He is dressed as 49 Cent Geek Unit Rapper. I hope to get a full costume picture later. I really hope he wins the contest at work. I think he looks hot!!!!

Monday, October 29, 2007


Looks like I am stuck with Dr. T. Dr #2 will not do a consult either. I guess I waited too long to switch. I have a list of questions for Dr. T & I will decide what to do depending on his answers. Maybe I will have to make a blind leap of faith to one of these other practioners if I really can’t stand Dr. T answers. I think it will be ok. Maybe I will just have to negotiate, convenience or just plain bully him into doing things the way I want.

Having a cold or illness while pregnant especially sucks. You can’t take anything & you always feel like crud anyway. Friday I went to bed at like 8:00. Saturday was spent either in bed or on the couch all day long. Sunday I was feeling better & dying to get out of the house. So the cable contractor shows up with 20 min warning (no call to set up the appt as we had been told) and is there for 5 hrs. I was dying to get out of the house for a little bit & got stuck there again. Eventually we did get out, but I was so tired we had to cut the trip short. Today I still feel tired & weak, but I am trying to be a trooper at work.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Dr. Update and First Baby Gift

Well the first Dr I called will not do a consult. He will only see me if I decide to become a patient. That really sucks because do I really want to go into a new Dr and not know what he might be like. I do have the knowledge of a friend who is currently seeing him, but that is not the same as actually making a decision myself. Dr. T was recommended to me by a friend & that isn’t working out that great right now.

The second Dr I have not been able to get a hold of yet. He seems to have weird office hours & is not open when I am able to call. This is so frustrating!!

So the decision is that I will go to my next Dr. appt and ask Dr. T about some things I would really like to be done or not done for the birth of Cletus and see what his answers are. Then we will go from there. I am leaning towards less intervention for birth & I don’t believe Dr. T will be all for that. He has been more of the medical type to me. Maybe he will surprise me though if I tell him that is what I really want.

Thanks Mrs. Spock for all the things to check out for new Dr. There were some things on there I hadn’t thought of. Especially the C-section stuff. That is really scary.

Also Cletus got his first present not from family. A little onesie that says “Nothing’s wrong . . , just testing you”. It is so tiny & so adorable. I keep telling Rich it is so tiny & we are going to have something that fits in it. Yeah!!! Thanks Cynthia!! I have lost your e-mail address so hopefully you are still reading this.

I am also getting sick today. So thrilling since I can’t take a damn thing for it. I have had some Tylenol & that helped last night, but it is getting worse today. Ugh!!! Good thing we didn’t have much going on for the weekend. Lots of fluids and rest for me.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fat, acne, cysts & much more good stuff

So this part of pregnancy – not the most fun. I am in the fat stage so no one can tell I am pregnant although people keep telling me I look it from the side. My dad was nice enough to point out that you can really tell above my belly button. Thanks dad, the baby is way lower, that is just fat. Ugh!! He & I have a long history of him insulting my weight, but that is another blog entirely.

Maternity clothes are still being phased in. I really need to get them in my closet so I will wear them. I have some that I bought online 2.5 yrs ago. They smell horrible from the chemicals so I am hoping that some tricks I found on the internet will help get the smell out. I am wearing some elastic pants today that just aren’t cutting it this afternoon. I can’t wait to go home and put on comfy clothes.

The acne is getting worse as well. I feel like I am in junior high again. It is gross and ugly looking. I can’t believe this is happening now. Nothing the first trimester & now they are all over. I really do feel like a fat teenager again.

I think my biggest pain (literally) right now is a cyst I have on my stomach from the Hep.arin shots. It burns and hurts like nothing else and it is right where my waste band sits. The shots are starting to get worse for sure. I have to stick myself 3-4 times before I find a place the needle will go in. That is what happened with the cyst. I tried to go thru it which just made it feel worse. Hot water bottle seems to have helped last night. Rich is doing the injections in the back of my arm now to give my stomach & thighs a break. I was trying to wait for sure for long sleeve weather, but desperate times called for this measure. Rich said the shots aren’t that bad, not like the huge HC.G shots he had to give me. The shots just burn somewhat in my arm.

But the exciting thing is that I am pretty sure I felt movement today. It was so cool!!! Felt like a few quick thumps I guess. Kind of like a muscle twitch. I am 15.5 wks today. We also have been hearing Cletus’ heartbeat with our “borrowed” Doppler. I really want to get one as it is so cool to be able to hear that whenever we want. The heartbeat has been pretty easy to find & has been consistently in the 150 range. Rich even found it the other night. Last night it was higher on my belly than the nights before. That means Cletus is growing good.

The biggest thing is that I am considering switching doctors. I am just not happy with Dr. T since he did the LEEP surgery & after his stupid comment at my first prenatal visit, I am not sure he is the one for me any longer. I don’t think he will be happy with what I want to do for the birth. I am going to interview 2 other doctors that have been recommended to me & see what they have to say. Then I will talk to Dr. T about the same things & go with who I feel most comfortable with and who is in most agreement with what I would like the birth to be like. Rich told me I am not crazy for switching Dr. He told me I need to feel comfortable & good about the Dr who will deliver Cletus. I shouldn’t dread my prenatal appt or be crabby about going or filling out the paperwork. Evidently I need to decide soon since Dr. T’s office already sent me the pre-birth payment plan for my delivery. My first payment is due this month & has to be paid 90 days in advance. I don’t plan on making any payments until we decide who we are definitely going with. Hopefully this is the right decision as well. If anyone has any advice or suggestions on switching Dr during pregnancy or what to ask, please feel free to comment or e-mail me.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Boring Update

Not too much going on lately at the Burns homestead. I am in the boring in between stage or your not newly pregnant anymore, so the thrill has sort of warn off and I haven’t felt any definite movement yet. There is a lot to do to get ready for Cletus’ big arrival, but I am not motivated to do anything about it yet. I am still exhausted by 9:30 at night & I am still occasionally getting nauseous & sick. I told Rich I am so ready for the feel better stage. Last night after I get sick at Target I told Rich that I was ready to promise Cletus a pony & a sports car at 16 if he would just stop making me sick all the time.

Maybe I should stop calling Cletus a he. Last night I had a girl dream. First one since I got pregnant. All the rest have been boys. We are babysitting tonight, but this baby looked exactly like me when I was a baby. Also had a different name then the girl we are babysitting. My grandma and aunt were there in my dream, which would never happen in real life so I am pretty sure it was ours. Maybe it was supposed to be Autumn, although that wasn’t this baby’s name. I have very vivid & weird dreams. The other night I had a dream a co-worker dropped me off at my house & 4 live bats were hanging out in front of the door. When I went to go in the paired off and started kissing!!

Like I said, things are pretty boring. I was thinking of renting a Doppler to listen to the heartbeat, but I don’t think I am going to fly that by Rich. I tried to appeal to his geek side, by telling him that it records sound you can download & has a read-out, but I don’t think it worked.

So I feel like there is so much research & things to do and no motivation by me to do them. I am ready for the second trimester goodness to kick in anytime now. Hear that Cletus?

Monday, October 15, 2007

I miss Dr. B!!

Today was my first OB appt. It was a total letdown compared to the RE appts. No u/s first off. I did get to hear Cletus' heartbeat thru the Doppler. It took awhile for the nurse to find it. I thought maybe if she couldn't find it, I would get an u/s. Nope, she eventually found it. Sounded ok, hard to tell thru the static of the doppler. Dr. T came in did a few questions & reviewed my chart. First thing he said to me though was, "That was quick". Dude, it has been 3.5 yrs. That is not quick in my book. Yes, maybe it was quick sine the last loss, but we were both tired of waiting. Anyway, I put up with that & he kept asking me if I had any questions. Nope, things are going good. I have lost 7 lbs so far, but that is ok since I am overweight to begin with. So next appt in 4 weeks. The shocking thing was that I actually got out of his office in less than 1 hr!!!! 57 min actually. I have never been able to do that before with him. It is always at least 1.5 hrs. He must have known he was on a time table with me today. I also got out of the PAP for today, so overall a good appt. Just not the same as Dr. B. I was just another patient today.

Now for a bit of freakishness that always seems to follow me wherever in this pregnancy. For the past 4 weeks, I have gotten sick every Friday. No other day of the week do I feel bad or feel the need to be sick. Happened again this past Friday too. Maybe I should've taken Dr. T up on his offer to shorten my work hours already. Every Friday off wouldn't be too bad!

Also everyone feel free to give Rich a hard time for not going with me today. He thought he would be gone too long. Boo hoo for him. Other dads were there today. I wasn't really excited about going today either, but I had to.

Today is also pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Please give a little thought to all the little ones not with us today. We are thinking of you today BB & Autumn.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I am positive now

Last night I had dinner with a couple of wonderful friends. One of them was talking about getting rid of the negative in her life. That she felt is was taking over. When she goes home from work, she leaves it all there. She seems a lot more calm & less stressed since she is doing this. So I am going to try & copy her. I am going to start thinking more positive about this pregnancy & Cletus. I got rid of a major source of negativity by switching jobs, so that isn’t the problem. The problem now is this pregnancy.

I am very ashamed to admit that when the whole grand parents thing went down this weekend, I was actually thinking that maybe this was a mistake. Maybe the reason we can’t have children naturally is because somebody knows better than us that we shouldn’t be parents. Rich & I were on opposite ends & I felt like I was right & knew more than he did. I held all this in for a couple days because I felt like I couldn’t talk to Rich about it. When we talked about it or other baby related things, all we did was raise our voices.

Tuesday I received an e-mail from another friend that really made me realize what an ass I was being. She & her husband don’t have what I do and want it desperately & here I am thinking this was a mistake? After all we have been thru; all the money, time, emotions, loss & failures – I think this was a mistake?!?!?!? IDIOT!!! I even told Rich that Julie’s e-mail made me feel like a turd.

So I talked to Rich about it on Tuesday night & told him everything. He said he was shocked that me, out of all people, would think this was a mistake. So we talked a lot about my fears of the grandparents expectations. I don’t want them to expect that we are going to let them have them every third weekend. We worked so hard & waited so long for Cletus, I want him to be with us on the weekends. Occasionally is ok, but the ground rules will be set. If they break the rules, then privileges are suspended. End of story. Rich told me that he has opinions too & just because I have done more research & think I know more, doesn’t mean that his opinions don’t count either.

I think another problem I have is with my MIL buying stuff. See she bought all 3 of her DIL’s these soft robes because that is what my SIL wanted. I don’t hardly ever wear a robe & I already have 2 of them. One of them my dad picked out especially for me. She also got the crib my BIL & SIL bought. Which is fine since it is her money, but I didn’t get it. I didn’t really think she needed to step up a nursery for just a few nights of baby-sitting. Well I e-mailed SIL & she said her mom did the same thing & she told my MIL they plan on her babysitting. So I obviously am the only psycho around who things that these people are crazy. I am the crazy one!!

So starting today I am going to be more positive. I am going to start believing Cletus is here to stay, WAS NEVER a mistake and will be coming home with us in April. No one is out to get me with what they buy. No one is jinxing anything by purchasing items. There is no evidence that anything bad is going to happen to Cletus. Everything looks fantastic. So I am going to pull out the maternity clothes & put them in the closet this weekend. Take out the others so I have nothing to fall back on. Now if things go bad, I will need some volunteers to come clean out my house.

I also am showing off my hyperlink ability too. I love that!!!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

1 in 1738

That was the final result from the NT ultrasound/blood test results. The chances for Downs was 1 in 508 before the blood test. It is a relief, but really we wouldn't have done anything no matter what. We just wanted to be prepared. This also means insurance probably won't pay for the testing now. Oh well, it was worth the peace of mind at the time.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Future Grandparent vent

So this post is probably totally stupid & not appropriate but here goes anyway. I have to vent about the future grandmothers. I am 13 weeks pregnant & they are already getting on my nerves. My mother & my mother-in-law are setting up nurseries in their houses for my baby. My MIL already bought a crib for “when she baby-sits.” I haven’t even done that yet. I was very mad that she did that & has planned to set up a nursery in her house. I think she just wasted her money because my SIL won’t be letting her baby-sit & we probably won’t be having her baby-sit often either. My mom has been basically buying everything Cletus would need for the first year already. She sent me home on Saturday with a huge bag of clothes & blankets that she got. I had to fake enthusiasm while inside I am saying “What the hell am I going to do with this stuff?”

The baby-sitting is really bothering me though & I am not sure why. My mom told me on Saturday that if she is still not working when I have the baby that I can bring it over & she will watch it if I need a break. My MIL has already brought up babysitting twice now & Rich’s step-mom has mentioned it as well. I understand that Rich & I will need a break every once in a while, but really I think WE will want to spend time with the baby when we aren’t working. I am coming back to work after we have Cletus. Financially & emotionally for me I think that is the best decision for us. I have a hard time letting other people watch the dogs because they are used to how certain ones behave, how am I going to deal with them baby-sitting our precious little one? I would rather friends baby-sit then relatives, how sad is that? I know that when we have baby-sat; we follow the instructions to a tee. If you tell us to read 3 books, we read 3 books. If you tell us to walk up & down the stairs 3 times before bed, we will. We want to make sure the routine is kept & the child is comfortable. I am not sure the Grandparents will follow our rules. I have a feeling they will do what “they” think is right, not what we want. I know that is the way grandparents are, but routines should be followed & don’t feed my kid baby food at 3 months just because they seem hungry.

Rich said that I should just let them go & not worry about it. He said that they are just really excited because they have been waiting 7.5 years for this. In the back of my mind though, I am still thinking the gloom & doom what-ifs. What-if they do all of this & we still end up with nothing? I just keep thinking no one we know has had a c-section, so I probably will. No one else we know has had a still-born, so we probably will. I obviously need to make another appointment with the therapist. I am excited too, but I am cautiously excited. I still don’t believe that this is happening sometimes.

I am feeling very stressed out, freaked out & pressured with the grandparents. I don’t know what to say to them, but I guess I need to figure it out a lot sooner than I thought I would. I just wasn’t expecting the extra nurseries to pop up so soon when we won’t be doing ours until this winter.

In other, more positive news, I did wear maternity pants on Friday. They are from a friend so nothing I had to cut the tags off of yet, but it is a step in the right direction. They were really comfortable, but still a little big. I also bought bigger bras, but I am not wearing them yet. Although when I tried them on they were so comfortable, but a little discouraging. Going from a C to an almost DD in just 3 months is scary. What is going to happen later?

MY OB appt isn’t until a week from today. I think that I am in that in-between stage where I feel like I am just thrown out there to the wolves & I have no idea if everything is still ok. I have no reason to believe it is not, but the unknown is scary.

Rich, I think that Nome, Alaska is looking pretty good right now. Sorry that you have a crazy & emotionally unstable wife.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Help Me Please!

OK I need help. Someone needs to tell me that it is now ok to wear maternity clothes. My jeans today are too tight. They are so uncomfortable. I have plenty of maternity clothes just waiting for me at home, but I cannot get over the mental block of wearing them. I am so afraid if I do that, I will jinx Cletus. Not that I think there is or will be anything wrong, it is just this mental block that I can’t get thru. I think if I put a pair of pants on, there is no going back.

I know many of you probably think I am being stupid. Hello, why keep torturing yourself when you can be comfortable? Because this is a big step for me & I am not sure I am ready to take it. I still don’t have bigger bras either & that is getting really bad. What is wrong with me? This is so crazy. The maternity pants are so comfortable so it isn’t that. I think it’s just the fact that I think if I wear them, people will be able to tell and ask me about it. Am I ready for that? UGH!!! Someone please just slap me out of this!!

It is just like the therapist said. I am going to get to the point where it is not a choice anymore, I have to bite the bullet and put them on, one leg at a time. I think the point is here. Makes sense since I am at the end of the first trimester, 13 weeks tomorrow. Tomorrow I will probably wear them & write a post about how stupid I was to wait so long.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Overprotection - part 2

Yes, it is a different world today than 20-30 years ago. There is even a song out about it now called Different World. But, why is it so different? Does different mean more dangerous? Have we redefined danger? For example: not wearing a helmet while riding a bike casually down the bike path is dangerous. Well, hasn't that always been dangerous? Then why only recently has it become such a big deal? Media coverage of an accident? Advocacy groups looking for a cause? Our increasing litigious nature as a nation?

I don't know if I am right or wrong, but here is a thought. Most people would agree that more children today are injured while riding their bike than 20 years ago. And that more children today are harmed by evil adults than 20 years ago, kidnapped, molested, etc... It is probably within reason to believe that every event you can think of happens to more children today than 20 years ago. Why you might ask? With the population growing somewhat exponentially there are a lot more children today than 20 years ago. That means more children riding their bikes, more children playing in the neighborhood park, more children sticking things into light sockets. So, raw numbers need to be normalized. If you have 10 big dogs, you are more likely to have a dog with hip displaysa than when you only had 2 big dogs. Does that mean the disease is more common now? Planes crash in a horrific tragedy of fire, debris, mass causality. The newspaper headlines and evening news jump all over it, speculate about causes, federal agencies investigate. The words, the pictures are enough to scare many people into never setting foot on an airplane. But it still doesn't change the fact that you are more likely to be killed driving down the highway than riding on an airplane.

While statistics are one thing, they still lack one important element. That is having some control over the situation. While traveling on a crashing jet, you are but a bystander. The events will unfold without any influence from you. But, while driving, you have control. If alert, you can anticipate the situation that is developing and take preventative action. If capable, you can even react to unanticipated situations. But of course if you absolutely want to avoid these disasters, the best bet is to never drive and never fly. But then that is just ridiculous, right? So where do you draw the line? It is easy to make decisions, and take risks for myself. I will drive in deep snow, I will operate power tools much to the dismay of my finger, and I will cross busy streets between intersections. But how do you change when those decisions not only affect you, but someone else? Obviously you don't cross a busy street between intersections while pushing a stroller. But then again you don't stop driving during rush hour or holidays notoriously celebrated by drinking either.

Here's my hypothesis. The number of dangerous incidents involving children has increased, but not as fast as the number of children has increased. As a result, the number of incidences has increased, but the chance of a child being involved in one of these incidents has actually decreased from what it was 20 years ago. Further, I propose that mass nationwide media coverage, and shows such as the Date.line specials, has only heightened awareness (a good thing) and fear (a bad thing) of what has been silently happening unbeknown to much of the population 20 years ago. Has anyone actually done this research?

Overprotection - the mommy response

Well I feel as the other half of Cletus’ parents, I should respond as well. I think Rich & I differ a tad on our beliefs on this one. I think that other people can hold Cletus, maybe not right after he is born, but I am not afraid of that. Maybe some of the older relatives shouldn’t hold our baby, but as long as you are not sick & washed your hands, I think it is ok. I think babies need to be put down sometimes. I don’t want to get in the habit of holding them to get them to sleep & then they won’t go to sleep except in your arms. Now granted, there are going to be days when that’s all I want to do, but that’s ok.

I think the main part where we differ is when they get older. Unfortunately, things aren’t like they used to be. I think there are a lot more dangers now then there were when we were kids. I don’t want to let our kids just run around all day & not be in contact with them. I don’t think it’s a good idea to just let them take off on their bikes for hours. We have a sex.ual predi.tor in our neighborhood right now. That is very scary to me. I won't even walk by myself at night near that house. Just down the road a couple miles another pred.itor was arrested & taken to a mental hospital. Things are just not the same as they used to be. I do think that letting them play at other people’s houses is fine, as long as we know the parents. I just do not feel comfortable letting them have the freedom we took advantage of. I know that both Rich & I took advantage of that freedom & got into trouble. Sometimes we got caught, sometimes we didn’t. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to Cletus that I could have prevented by maybe being a little overprotective. Now once they get to be older, the freedoms may get a little better, but sickos still like teenagers too.

One thing I think we have agreed on is the family computer will stay in the open area where we can see anything & will have parental locks. His cousin had free reign of their computer at one time & boy did she take advantage of it. I think with better technology comes more responsibility on the parents to do the right thing & protect their children. It is easy to do & not too expensive.

I will be honest to say I will do everything in my power to protect Cletus, but in the same time I think you can do that without taking away their childhood. I want them to fall down, get hurt & learn to keep going. I think failure & disappointments are important to learn from. I want Cletus to get dirty, play & have fun. Explore the outdoors, but respect the limitations that we set that we feel are safe. I want Cletus exposed to germs so he doesn’t get sick constantly like my friend from my old work. She was a germaphobe & her kids are constantly sick and they are now immune to some anti-biotics because they take them constantly.

Being a kid is a fun part of life. Probably the best part of life so far for me personally. No responsibilities, summers off & fun times to be had. But now as a parent-to-be, I have to look at things thru different lenses & see that there are dangers out there. Cletus will need to learn to respect the dangers & so will we. As well as learn to respect Cletus just being a kid.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Overprotection - Part 1?

Part 1? - Yes, there could be more to this - here I go again

It is warranted, justified, or even in the child's best interest to be overprotective? OK, the term "OVER"protective already implies the answer, so that isn't exactly what I mean. What I want to explore is what is too much and should I or will I act differently given the circumstances of conception? I understand that IFers have had a long difficult road to hoe to get to their child, whether it be through natural means or adoption. And as with anything you have to work hard for, you have a different perspective than others who didn't have to work so hard. You learn not to take it for granted and you tend to want to protect it more and take better care of it, unlike the hand-me-down sofa we have.

But in the case of a child, easy come easy go doesn't apply. It is never easy to loose a child, even an unborn child, or even if it came to you accidentally or on the first cycle. My child is not more special than another child just because it took longer to conceive, cost more money to conceive, etc... I can't understand having different rules, taking different actions, and making different decisions, simply because it took longer than anticipated to have a child. To do so implys to me that had it been easier to conceive, one might tolerate more risk of loss, that had it been easier to have that child it would be easier to loose that child, could you go as far as to say one might take more risk because they feel the child is more easily replaceable? Why be more protective now than you would have otherwise?

While for some, having to struggle to bear offspring may motivate them to be more aware, more involved, more protective parents, if you were already committed to giving it your all as most people are, I doubt it can make you a worse parent. I don't want to live life in constant fear of harm to my child (any more so than a fertile parent) and I don't want to do a disservice to my child by always acting and making decisions in fear. I know at first that Cletus will seldom leave my arms, and when that happens, Cletus will probably be in Jennifer's arms. I'd like to think in my case my inability to not put the baby down, and not leave the baby's side is out of love and admiration and a consequence of having to wait so long for something I want so bad. It will be a greedy and selfish action of my heart to satisfy the spot that has been empty so long, not an act of protection. I should feel safe putting the baby down to bed in my own house.

But, when does protectiveness cross the line? When does it interfere with psychological and social development, when does it retard or suppress immune system development, when is a kid no longer able to be a kid, have fun and be carefree? I don't want Cletus to miss out on exposure to being held by other people, or miss out on being a kid because I was too afraid to let him/her. No you can't play at Johnny's house because he lives too close to the river. Don't let your inquisitive mind tell you to pick that up and look at it, you don't know where it has been. Don't walk to school with your friends even though it is only 3 blocks away, I will drive you because there might be strangers along the way. Why don't you join the chess team instead of play football? (Sorry if anyone was on the chess team.)

This is going to be an "Am I a parent" magnitude struggle for me. I am leaning toward kids need to be kids, play outside, get hurt, get sick, learn things the hard way, be rejected, not win every game, raise the bar in schools instead of lowering it to meet passing rates and retention guidelines. This is no different than my views have been all along. Parents should be involved and take responsibility for education, supervision, and protection, yet there is no substitute for first hand experience. They'll never learn to walk if you never put them down, you need to give them enough rope to hang themselves with you close enough to save them when they do. They need to learn things on their own, through experience. I would like to think my views won't change when the time comes and that I will be able to let go of fear and using good common sense let kids be kids.

I remember my grandpa getting chewed out by my grandma for just sitting back while my brother and I fought on his living room floor. But maybe there was wisdom in his ways. We weren't just fighting, we were working things out. We were learning something, I'm not sure what, yet doing it with an adult near enough to intervene should the situation start to get out of hand. I found a book I want to read about self-guided play and experiencing nature and another about experiences as a child. They are called Last Chi.ld in the Woods and Web of L.ife: the values that Sus.tain us. Has anyone read these books, enjoyed them, recommend them? I'm a slow reader, so no promises on this, but if you read a book you thought was helpful you can tell me about it and I'll consider reading that too.