Friday, September 26, 2008

Autumn's Day

Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be. I thought since C was here it would be easier. Well it wasn't. It was so hard. I was ok during the day at work, but that afternoon and night I was a mess. I took C on a walk in the neighborhood to calm him and I was just hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about our little girl. Autumn would have been one. I was thinking that she would have a big frilly party dress to twirl around in. I told C about her yesterday. First time I had really talked to him about all of the before him stuff.

It really was a double-edged sword for me yesterday though. I was grieving my little girl, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't have C. I got pregnant with C when I should have still been pregnant with Autumn. It is so hard because I now know and understand what I missed with my other babies. But at the same time maybe C wouldn't be here either.

Monday, September 22, 2008

No clever title this time

Something has been nagging at me this weekend and I wasn’t able to figure it out until just now. I found my old calendar and ultrasound picture today. I thought these were lost in the move while I was out on leave. My old calendar has a pink heart on the date for this Thursday. Autumn would be one year old. My heart is hurting so much for my baby girl that I didn’t even realize it. I love C with all my heart, but I miss Autumn too.

On a separate note, I am torn on what to do with this blog. I know that the title says and beyond, but I am not as comfortable writing about the and beyond here. Too many people in real life know about this one. I will never take it down as it was an important part of my life and a great place to get everything out, but I would like some anonymity as well. I don’t regret one bit that I shared it with all of you and it helped me tremendously, I am lost. I don’t know where to fit in anymore.

So maybe this is one last call. Someone bring the whiskey and beer.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Still here just not inspired to write anything right now. I can't even get it together enough to write on C's blog.

Presentation is supposed to go forward today. We shall see.

Lots of thoughts floating around, but I feel I should be censored on here.

Hopefully more later.