Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Well there is lots to update about. First of all, I start my new job tomorrow. Since I think they are a tad more sophisticated then the old place, I will not be mentioning the name or be blogging from work at lunch anymore. Sorry! Everyone will have to wait until after work for the updates. I am not really nervous yet. Just slightly aggravated as they are going thru a huge background check & can't get my degree confirmation. I have no clue where my diploma is so who knows what will happen with that.
Last day at the old job was so emotional for me. It was sad to go, but I still had to stay until 5:15 because all of the other girls left plus I need to get some stuff wrapped up. There were a lot of hurtful comments about how they don't expect me to last long at this job, that I'll be bored as a paper pusher & that I'll hate the commute. Not one of them knew the stressful situation I am in right now, so I could forgive some of them, but the partner saying I would be bored & would hate it was hurtful to me. Oh well. Time to move on.
Rich & I took a mini-break in between jobs to Florida for a few days. It was a nice relaxing time except for Monday night. We had played & swam on Sunday & Monday on the beach & the pool. Then we were flipping towels at each other in the room, running around. I go in the bathroom & find spotting. So of course I freak out. I am then checking every 5 mins & it is getting worse, turning to light red. Sorry if TMI. Anyway we go to dinner, Rich eats & I pick at my food while there it is getting more prominent. I get back to the hotel room & call my friend Devon to ask her about this since a similar incident happened to her on vacation. She calmed me down somewhat, but I knew what I needed to do. I called the DR answering service. I was praying that Dr. B was on call that night. I was afraid if the other Dr was on call, that he would just brush it off as no big deal. Anyway, I was lucky that Dr. B was on call. He called me & told me that 1 out of 3 pregnancies bleed in the first trimester, same as Devon told me. Since this is my third pregnancy & never had this on the other 2 I thought that made since. He said as long as I wasn't cramping that was good & probably not a m/c. I wasn't cramping. He asked me what I did that day & I told him we were on vacation in Florida so I had swam, walked around. He told me to take it easier the next day. Also to take Ibu.profen to relax the uterus until the bleeding stopped. Then Dr. B proceeds to talk to me about the weather in Florida & the weather up here. He was so nice. I felt bad calling, but we both felt better after speaking with him. Luckily, it stopped by mid-afternoon Tuesday. So the rest of the trip was better, but Monday night was so horrible. Of course we are thinking the worst. Although as soon as we got the Atlanta airport I threw-up & Have felt like crap since then. I told Rich I am allergic to home. Now we just wait until the appt on Friday to make sure everything is still ok.
We also promised Cletus that if he/she stays put, we will bring them back to the beach. Yes that is the nickname we came up with, Cletus the Fetus. Cletus for short.
Time to go rest up for my big day tomorrow & to get some more laundry done.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I do have a corpus luteum cyst. That is where I bled into the follicle where the egg came out. He said it is not a big deal, we will watch it closely. That just means taking it easy, no jumping around, no heavy lifting and no s.ex. Poor Rich!!! Dr. B said it is just like a bruise & it will eventually go away. He looked at my bruised belly & said it could be worse.
I am truly convinced that Hep.arin is a miracle drug! I can’t believe we finally got this far and it has everything to do with the testing & Dr. B being cool with using the shots.
I was so excited & relieved that I forgot to remind him to check my cervical length. Oops!
So now I have a vent about the visit today. I know you are probably thinking, how can she vent about such a great appt. Well Dr. B had an intern with him today. She was a OB/GYN Dr. He let her do the u/s. She sucked at it. I was ready to just do it myself. That was not cool for him to let her do the u/s. It was not good for her bumbling around with someone who has had multiple m/c and needs results ASAP. She couldn’t get it in the right place & looked at my ovary first. She also couldn’t hold it still for the heartbeat. She sucked bad. Finally Dr. B took over, put everything in the right place right away & got all the right measurements. When he took the measurements the baby was actually 1 day ahead.
We got 4 pics although it just looks like a blob now, but hopefully by next week of the week after it will start looking like a baby.
Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers everyone. I am starting to believe this might be our keeper!!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Nothing going on with the baby I guess. This time period sucks because I don’t know if anything is wrong or right until u/s Tuesday. I am sure I will be a wreck then, but for now that is the least of my worries.
My very good friend Julie, who is a frequent cementer on here, got some bad news yesterday. If you could just give a thought or prayer to her & her husband I am sure she would appreciate it. She doesn’t have an IF blog of her own. Thanks. Julie, Rich & I are thinking about you. Love you girl!!!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
HCG yesterday was 7,620. Needed to be at least 6,400.
Progesterone was 35. That went down but I talked to the nurse today and she said that it was still fine. Still a good number & progesterone can fluctuate greatly depending on time of day or other factors. Just made me nervous since it kept going down last time & we know how that turned out. They offered a blood draw on Friday, but I declined. I don’t want anymore blood draws, plus I am using a natural progesterone cream from my very good friend. It is natural so won’t hurt anything & gives me some peace of mind. I am at the point now where I am done with blood draws & onto my first Dr visit & ultrasound. U/S is scheduled for next Tuesday.
Sickness is the afternoon/evening for me. Starts at around 3:00 in the afternoon. Not too much throwing up yet. I am glad of that. I will take whatever I get though.
I gave my notice Monday. It didn’t go over well at all. My feelings were hurt & I gave the notice. They are making it hard for me. They keep bugging me to stay. I am ready to go & I wish they would leave me alone. It is very emotionally draining for me right now anyway. They are bringing up things that I hadn’t really thought about yet & it is making me second guess my decision. Rich says I shouldn’t do that, but I can’t help it. I think it would be easier if everyone hated me & wanted me to go. Others are taking it personally & thinking that the drama a few months ago is true. I guess in a way it was, but it still makes me feel bad.
They want to have a big going away lunch. I do not want that as I know I will be a mess. I am a very private person and I don’t want attention focused on me. That’s one reason why I don’t want a baby shower ever either. So this will be very hard for me. But I’ll make it through. There are good things waiting for me after next Friday.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Right now I have to bill for my hours. I have to account for every minute of my day. Let me tell you it is a big PITA. I am also reprimanded constantly because I work too fast & don’t bill enough. Lately that hasn’t been a problem, but it was for a couple years. Every month I would get a “gentle” reminder about it. It actually got to be a joke, but no one else ever got them. Anyway that is a big stress with my current job that the new place wouldn’t have.
So thanks to one of my research buddies :-), the benefits at this new place are tremendous. Lac.tation rooms, day ca.re discounts, 401K, pension, more paid holidays. I will get 3 wks vacation to start since that is what I would get after working here 5 yrs anyway. I can buy extra vacation too.
I also came out & told them about the pregnancy. They were very nice about it. Told me it did not factor into the decision. They told me I wouldn’t have to move the boxes around either. They just moved. So Dr appts are not going to be a problem either.
So what is the decision you might ask? Well I am torn. Is this really the right time? Do I need to bring another change into my life? What if this pregnancy doesn’t work out? Will I still have time off to recover? Or maybe this is my chance to start with a fresh, clean slate. A new job & a baby on the way aren’t a bad way to start out. Maybe it’s like I told Rich this morning, maybe this is the start of good things for us. Maybe the past 5 yrs of crap are going to be worth it in the end.
The consensus so far from my e-mail buddies are all for it. Any comments are welcome.
After struggling with the moral implications of fertility treatments, I realized that all babies come from God.
By Beth Kohl
"Hello?" my husband
"It's me," I say, trying to modulate my volume so that only
"Thanks," I say, and hang up. Corollary questions occur to me, but I'm already late for the graduate writing classes I've started taking, and the last of the art school students are pushing through the smudged revolving door. I call
"Just to clarify, you think all babies, IVF and naturally occurring, are these timeless beings, their physical shape the only genetically influenced part? And are these timeless souls random ones, or do they descend exclusively from our ancestors? If ancestral, how are they divvied up among the children? Look how hard it is negotiating between our moms over where we spend Thanksgiving. To think our dead ancestors might also be jockeying for position."
"Hon, I appreciate how hard you're thinking about what we're doing, I really do. But I have a moot court in twenty minutes. Can we talk later, like at home tonight?"
"Promise you'll give it serious thought?" I ask.
When, exactly, does life begin? Is it at the moment of fertilization or someplace further down the line, at some point when the heart starts to beat or the brain waves start waving?
I also wondered if I should be tinkering with God's Plan and/or Mother Nature since there was, in fact, a medical diagnosis for my infertility. I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, a fairly common condition in which the ovaries create an abundance of follicles (the fluid- and hormone-filled sacs in which eggs are meant to grow) each month without ever producing an egg.
But I desperately wanted pregnancy, desperately wanted a child. I wanted to see ancestral features traced on our children's faces. And, with the science so easily accessible, a mere matter of signing up with one of numerous area fertility clinics, it was hard to resist, questions notwithstanding.
I'd hold my breath, listening for sudden rushes of faith and certainty, some voice or sense to tell me that although medicine was no substitute for a spontaneous pregnancy, it was still okay, particularly for such a life-affirming cause. I wanted confirmation that all I'd been raised to believe – that human life stems from God, love and miracle – was true, even under these scientifically-juiced circumstances. But no voice ever came. Until, that is, my daughters arrived, their voices being the ones to quiet my doubts.
Maybe I'm mistaken, assuming this tension between science and faith. Maybe man's scientific ability stems directly from a divine source, the hand of God leading the technician's, and all the results sanctified thereby. In fact, maybe my daughters bear out rather than disprove God's presence in artificially stimulated conception. Maybe the mere fact of their existence, their emergence in spite of human interference, the potential obstacles at every step, the cold speculae and sticky syringes, the clumsy technique and imperfect judgment, is proof that fallible man is no match for the Almighty Lord.
This idea helped ease my mind, made me realize that I didn't have to view IVF as a struggle between faith and science, that not only could the two coexist, but that they are complementary. When man-made technologies are used to initiate conception, we aren't playing at God's job, since no amount of scientific brilliance will give us the capacity to create a soul in vitro. There can be no spirit donor, no such thing as a soulologist. All man can do is scientifically simulate conception and let the miraculous, invisible part happen beyond the reach of magnification and ultrasound.
As the Bible says, "God blessed them. God said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'" According to the Bible, God put people in charge of our surroundings, granting us permission not only to rule our fellow creatures but also to subdue the earth, bringing it into control, lessening its chaotic intensity. One can then argue that scientific progress, in its ability to combat disorder and disease, is therefore not only not heretical but sanctified. "God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. There was evening and there was morning, a sixth day."
A couple of summers ago, our fertility clinic threw a party to "celebrate life and miracles." We decided to go. Not only did the invitation beckon – a monarch butterfly, rows of sunflowers, and stands of orange lilies hinting at well-planned merriment amid panoramic surroundings – but there'd be food, entertainment, and fun for all.
We had a great time, especially the girls. A deejay played music on a lawn and several giant, stuffed mascots were over there, doing Ring Around the Rosie with children and each other. When the girls ran off to follow several older kids who were tapping the mascots on the back and running away,
I could smell flowers and grass and hear the low-pitched hum of bees behind me. The deejay, clearly briefed on his audience, played song after song about enjoying life and family. The songs were generic, the sorts I'd heard a thousand times – "We Are Family" and "What a Wonderful World" and "Celebration" – but it was the first time my kids had ever heard them, and they were having a ball. They darted in and out of the dancing crowd, Anna following Lily following Sophia as they hugged one favorite character after the next, Care Bears and the Cat in the Hat, Scooby-Doo, their dada, and me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
HCG 811 Monday’s was 308!!!!
Progesterone 41.1 Monday’s was 35.4 I think.
Platelets & Protime were normal as well. So the painful Heparin shots are doing their job. I had a bleeder this morning for the shot, but it is all worth it for these kind of positive results.
I am starting to believe this might be the one!!!!! Thanks for all the support everyone! We both appreciate it so much & it is so fun to have all of you along for the ride.
I have added an abbreviation column on the side for abbreviations that we may use on here. If you see one in a post & you need an explanation, just leave a comment. We will add it or explain it. I apologize that sometimes we get caught up in the lingo & forget that others may not know it.
This is the most famous of all meteor showers. It never fails to provide an impressive display and, due to its summertime appearance, it tends to provide the majority of meteors seen by non-astronomy enthusiasts.
This meteor shower gets the name "Perseids" because it appears to radiate from the constellation Perseus. An observer in the Northern Hemisphere can start seeing Perseid meteors as early as July 23, when one meteor every hour or so could be visible. During the next three weeks, there is a slow build-up. It is possible to spot five Perseids per hour at the beginning of August and perhaps 15 per hour by August 10. The Perseids rapidly increase to a peak of 50-80 meteors per hour by the night of August 12/13 and then rapidly decline to about 10 per hour by August 15. The last night meteors are likely to be seen from this meteor shower is August 22, when an observer might see a Perseid every hour or so.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
The second example is not near as cute, but I would expect no less from our ornery huskie, Shelby. I thought sure she must be starting to prepare me for what is to come, but then knowing Shelby, she probably knows Jennifer is pregnant and was just being her usual jealous self. Shelby is our second baby. We got her when she was 6 weeks old and she is very attached to us. So much so she is nicknamed "The Interrupter" because no matter when or where we are, or what we are doing, she feels she needs to be at least with us, and preferably between us. I am very familiar with the advice, "A tired husky is a good husky". Believe me it is true. She has energy, she is smart, and if you don't find a way for her to burn her energy, she will find one on her own. Let me recommend not letting her figure something out on her own. She has chewed half a futon, the frame not the mattress, 1/2 a metal dog tag is missing, the other half full of teeth marks, and it is not uncommon to see her sprint down the hallway, leap into the air, rotate horizontally, use the cushions on the back of the couch to change direction, rotate back to vertical, and land back on the floor without touching anything else. Last night was one of her, "I'm not tired nights." It was our fault, we didn't spend much time with her Saturday or Sunday, so it was time to pay. Of course she waited for everyone to go to bed before whining and barking. There's no sleeping through that. So I get up to let her out but no, she doesn't want to go out, she wants to play. So back to the bedroom she goes to fire up Skyler, our other husky, and get her to bark. Then the sprints start. It's best to just let her go and get it out of her system so I closed Skyler in the bedroom with Jennifer hoping Jennifer can get some sleep. When Shelby stops sprinting through the house, she decides it is time to eat. We do not have a normal dog. She maybe eats every other day and we just leave her food in her bowl until she decides to eat it. Then when she eats, she takes her good old time. A couple of bites, then come see what I am doing. Then take the food from the bowl, spread it out on the floor, and then eat some more. Finally done eating and now it is play time again. To the toy basket she goes, and chooses a woolly man shaped squeeky toy to chew on (no sleeping through that), that gets old so she gets the screaming monkey toy out (no sleeping through that), then when that gets old, she gets the fleece tug rope and invites me to play tug of war. Finally she lays down and just when I think maybe I can go back to bed, she gets up and starts to chew a rawhide. She alternates between looking asleep and being awake playing and chewing. The rest intervals start getting longer and the play intervals shorter. Finally she is asleep and we all return to bed. As I laid there going back to sleep I thought, I got up for her to eat, go to the bathroom, and play, better get used to it. It has been years since we had a night like this with Shelby, why now, how does she know?
Saturday, August 4, 2007
It is starting to be a little more real feeling as I threw up this morning from the breakfast smell. I am not really looking forward to this starting up again, but will take it in a heartbeat.
Thanks again everyone for the encouragement & good wishes!!! We love you all. I am so glad to have this blog to update everyone.
Jenn & Rich
Friday, August 3, 2007
It’s in the stars. Can you believe it? Reports say that on any night, at any location, a few meteors can be seen each hour. I image this excludes brightly lit areas and/or obstructions limiting your view of the sky. These are called sporadic meteors, or simply sporadics. It’s so bizarre, both times I have seen shooting stars, sporatic meteors, after an IUI, the IUI has resulted in a pregnancy. Maybe there is something too it? There is obvious superstition associated with wishing on the rare event of actually being in the right place at the right time, looking the right direction, to observe a sporadic shooting star. However, maybe some of that rubs off when you put the odds in your favor and observe a meteor shower. So, for those of you who want to try and tap into the power of the stars, or maybe like us just willing to try anything, here is a link to a website that list the dates of the meteor showers for 2007.
The next meteor shower is the Perseids on August 12. This year there’s no moonlight to interfere. The best time to watch is from 11 p.m. August 12 until dawn the next morning. The best direction to watch is wherever your sky is darkest. If you have a dark sky, you may see a meteor once a minute on average. The shower is also active for several days before and after its peak.
By the way, I am extremely excited, I toasted to the third time being a charm with scotch last night, and just want to say that Mrs. Spock, you have a freaky-weird gift and thanks Devon for believing with me!
Started the Heparin shots last night. Already got a little bruise from the first one. Did them myself & it is not pleasant at all. It burns going in & I feel it. It is going to be a long 8 months. But if it gets me a live baby in the end, I am ok with it.
I freaked out after the results yesterday. I told Rich I wasn’t ready. I am not ready for the spot checks, symptom checks & moments of freak out for the next months. I know I will never be ready for another loss.
Rich is very confident. He opened the bottle of scotch last night & said third times the charm. Every time it has been a different liquor that he has saved special for the occasion. Rum from the cruise, bourbon from Kentucky & Scotch this time.
I wish I could feel that confident already. I hope in time I will get to that point.
I am having pre-AF symptoms right now. I don’t even know what to say anymore. I didn’t want to post this at all, but Rich said I should. I am so scared right now.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Last night was so great & this morning was so painful. Rich said he was excited & hopeful that it worked. So was I, so much that we went to the pharmacy to try & get my Hep.arin filled. They didn't have it, but I figured I would just try somewhere else today. This morning I woke up to test. Today is 10 days past the second HCG test. The line took forever & was barely there. My temp also dropped some. I really hate how my body plays the tricks on me. I think maybe this is it, things are a little different this month. Then it will all come crashing down in a few days.
I hate that I do this to Rich everytime. He gets his hopes up and has them dashed too. This hurts so much. I hate getting excited about possible symptoms and then it all goes down the drain.
I am just tired of the whole thing. I am tired of the guessing, hormones, hope, falls, sobbing and the unknown.
This cycle was just weird for me & I never got excited about it. Maybe my body is trying to tell me that I am done. Maybe it is tellng me that I am done with the guess work & ready to move on to something with a defintie end to it?