Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Tough times

Today is a tough day. It seems like it just comes in waves, but today is the bottom of the pit. At least that is my hope. I hope that no more bad news comes our way.

I don't really want to talk about it yet, but if you have any good thoughts or prayers to send our way it would be appreciated. Our family is hurting.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Getting older and more broken down

As the year ended, we were informed our insurance would be switching. So I decided to get some baseline bloodwork done before the small copay was replaced by our gargantution dedictible H*S*A crappy insurance. Well turns out I missed the deadline, but I digress. I got my glucose (A1C), AMH(ovarian quality/quantity), thyroid and prolactin checked. This was in preparation for trying again when we were ready. I knew that nothing woudl be covered, so I wanted to get it in under the old coverage.

The results:
A1C - 6.1 less than 7 normal
Prolactin - 7 less than 30 normal
AMH - 1.7 Normal 1.4-3.5
Thyroid - oops not enough blood

So the AMH has me worried. It is on the low end of normal. With PCOS I should be on the high end around 3. So the old eggs are looking not so fresh. Not a good sign.

The A1C is high for the Dr office so an increased dose of Metformin is in the future for that.

The thyroid I have had checked twice. THe last one was Monday and it is continuing to increase. 3.3 to 3.9 so I am now starting meds for that.

At first I was very depressed. More and more bad results piling on and me screaming into AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) is sad. But I looked at the bright side of things finally. This is very common after having your first child. It is another auto immune disease so it is just par for the course. It explains me being cold all of the sudden all of the time and me being exhausted no matter how much sleep I got. So getting an answer is a good thing.

But what does it mean for trying again? More pills, less time to try and more money thanks to crappy insurance. It means three biological kids is probably out of the question.

So that is the story for now. We shall see where this all goes.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Worth it?

This has been going around the blogosphere this past week and I normally read these things and move on, but I just can’t do it this time. I feel the need to weigh in.

It is no secret that I wanted to be a mother bad, so bad we were willing to do just about anything to get there. We put off fancy vacations, big purchases and a bigger house to make sure we could afford having a baby. We knew that no matter how we built our family, we wanted to have a child in our lives. We had explored adoption and were pretty serious about going down that road before the RE consult. We knew however we built our family, it was going to cost us. The truth is at the time we had no idea how much that would be.

The treatments and the losses were paid with an emotional toll like I never expected. They changed me as a person and they changed Rich & I as a couple. But they changed us both in a good way. I am a stronger person then I ever imagined. I had no idea of what I was and am capable of. Rich & I have a stronger marriage having already been through hell and made it back.

Parenting has been a struggle and a toll as well as a blessing and reward. C is the light of our life and a joy to have with us. I wouldn’t change anything about him or the struggles we had to get him here.

Yes, if I didn’t have to go down the IF road and could just look at Rich and say let’s make a baby this month and do it, I would. But I can now say I am respectful of the IF experience. It has made me a stronger person, given me life long friends who understand the struggle, given me a strong partner to go through life with and given me my precious son C.

So would I use a wish to go through it all again, absolutely. Was it worth it? To me, it most definitely was. At the time I went through it, it didn’t seem like it was, but now I can look back and say yes. And I will do it again. Maybe the path is different the second time around, as I am older and wiser as is my body and eggs, but the end result is worth the struggle. Be it IUI, IVF, adoption or just having C, the path is laid and we will follow it until our happy ending. I will be satisfied with the ending and know that the trip was worth it for the destination at the end.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I work in a building that used to be a dept store. Every year since the 1930s they put up animated scenes of elves, children and animals for all to see in the store windows. I remember coming down in 4th grade to see the windows on a class field trip. My dad volunteered to be a chaperon. My teacher was shocked my dad volunteered, this was back before the days of involved fathers being a common occurrence. She was very glad to have him around to help with the boys in the bathroom and I was so proud to hold his hand through the crowded store. I still to this day remember riding the escalator up holding his hand.

Every year we would come down to see the windows, visit Santa and get a smiley face cookie. It was a fun outing we looked forward to for weeks.

The dept store is gone and a new office building/theater is in its place. I walk through there everyday to go to work. Every year right before Thanksgiving they start putting the windows up on display. They have been saved, restored and lovingly placed right back where they were years ago.

Years ago when they first started putting them in, I would avoid them like the plague. I would walk outside, not look at them, avoided at all cost. I never stopped to look, ponder them or look at how wonderful they were to be back in their rightful place. It was too hard. Too much of a reminder of what I wanted and was not meant to be yet. If there were families there looking and gazing at the animals playing in the forest or commenting on the kids in the candy shoppe, I lost it. Many tears were shed during that walk to the garage those past holiday years.

I wondered if I would ever have a child to bring to look at the windows. Many years I often felt that there never would be. The joy of the windows would never light up my child's face.

This year I wanted to take C to see the windows. I thought he was older and would enjoy them more. So we went this past weekend. A perk to working in the building is parking underneath on the weekends so we didn't have to get out in the yucky weather. We went right up to the windows in the elevator.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize there was a performance that morning so it was crowded and there were tons of people there. C was a little nervous at first and wanted me to hold him. We looked at all the windows and walked down to see Santa. C was still apprehensive so we just waved to him from afar.

As we sat down to enjoy the live music it all hit me. We were there with our child, our son. He was there walking, looking at the windows holding my hand. C also was griping and playing with my hands with his, while I am trying not to spill all the tears I am holding back. It didn't work.

The emotions still get me when I least expect it. I was excited to show C the windows as I know he loves animals and would be intrigued by the movements of them. He growled like the bear playing peek-a-boo in the tree. He stared at the kids playing and the dog wrapped up in lights. It was fun to point them out and show him the magic. But underneath it all, the feelings still exist. The memories are still there. The pain is still raw and while it is normally covered, the cover still comes off sometimes.

So now Rich can understand and know that his wife is not totally crazy for breaking down in public and is glad he took the pictures to mark the joy and the realization that we really do have a wonderful life.

I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You will have a happy and joyful life

This was my fortune at the Chinese restaurant today at lunch. Seemed to come at a good time. I am working hard on this. Starting to get some ducks in the row.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Regrets and changes

I have many regrets in my life. I regret high school and that people I thought were my very good friends weren’t at all. I regret the time wasted on them. I regret going to college at home and not getting out there as I should have. I have a boring college experience with no friends from that time. I regret changing my degree to something I will never use. I have no clue still why I did that and what I was thinking. I regret I didn’t talk to Rich enough about joining the air force. I regret buying the house we have now as I absolutely hate it and we are stuck. I regret getting all of our animals as they are all PITAs right now. I regret we are still living in Ohio. I regret that I didn’t hold and snuggle C more when he was a baby as now it hardly ever happens. I regret that I never got to enjoy being pregnant as we were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I regret that I had no support that understood where I was coming from and still don’t. I have a confession here, we never finished his room. There are still words to put on the wall and furniture and finishing touches that were never done. I regret that I am writing this from work right now.

These are just a few of the regrets I can think of right now. It seems like life is just full of regrets. I am tired of it being that way. I am tired of regrets. I need to change, make changes but I am so afraid. Changes that will drive me crazy, drive others crazy and more than likely drive some people away from me. There are hard choices to be made and they need to be made by me, for me. I need to put the past and the regrets away and move on. And for once I would like to feel and be truly happy.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Only one

The sting of IF is back and it still hurts. On Sunday we went to my aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary party. It was really great and I was excited to see relatives I haven't seen in years or had never seen (some second cousins). I knew C would have fun and be a little ham. I was right.

Then I overheard this comment more than once, this is our only grandchild. Coming from my parents who know everything that has happened it stings more. Maybe it was just a flip comment since there was a set of twins there, but it hurt. More than I let on.

So the IF scars have scabbed over but the wound still becomes fresh and picked at when you least expect it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

It has been awhile

I am here for two reasons: First today is Autumn's second birthday. I miss her like crazy and can't believe that the time is here again. Happy birthday to our sweet angel girl Autumn. I always know when my angelversaries are coming up as I get depressed, cranky, grump and subdued.

Second is I was reading the archives and was shocked that I am still battling the same questions as I have been for over a year. Things have not gotten better and my life is still full of regret. The time has come to get serious, make a decision and stick with it. No more whining, complaining or waffling.

I think the time has come for me to have a more anonymous blog. There are lots of things I would love to talk about and get out there, but I don't want to offend anyone I know in real life that I consider a friend. I have a few ideas but not for sure what to do yet.

I will never take this down as I was overcome with emotion in re-reading the archives today. I think maybe it is just time to move on. I don't really even think anyone reads this one anymore.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Conference Post

I am co-chair of the 2009 Ohio family building conference and it is coming up April 4. There is so much stuff going on with that I don't have time for anything else. If you know if anyone who has been trying to have a baby, thinking about fertility treatments or adoption please tell them about it. The website for info is or e-mail me for info. It is going to be a great conference with lots of fantastic speakers and door prizes.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Decision made

Decision made. Notice given. Beyond pissed at my manager. Although was fun to shock the hell out of him.

Definitely the right decision was made, no doubt about it now.

I am sad to leave some of the people here, but otherwise it is for the best.

Thanks for the support!