Monday, July 28, 2008

Now what?

Rich talked to his mom about the dog situation. He told her we are not idiots and we don't leave C alone with the girls. He told her we are tired of the comments. She said that she is very worried about the dogs and Cameron. I don't see an end to her stupid comments so I guess that is that. We just have to ignore her. We will be telling her she is no longer allowed to come over next time she asks. We will just bring C to see her when it is convenient for us, end of story. It is too stressful and not fair to our dogs.

I think the thing that is bugging both of us the most is that she is questioning our parenting abilities and what we are doing with C. We are not the idiot child she does have so I don't know why she is picking on us. We can afford to feed and clothe our child, we took all the classes and we know mostly what we are doing. Parenting is a fly by the seat of your pants ride sometimes, but the basics are down. I knew this would happen since she would question what we did with the dogs before C came along. It just sucks when she has always questioned everything about Rich & I. We mirror his mom & dad's relationship so much and I think that is her whole deal. Maybe it is time to tell her we are not them, we are stronger and in it for the long haul. She needs to cut the strings and let us be the adults. If not the resentment will just keep building.

The sad thing for me is that Rich's parents don't care about him anymore. They still love him and care, but it is all about C now. This year for Rich's b-day his dad & step-mom got him a movie GC. Rich doesn't like movies at all. There are certain ones he is ok with, but if given the choice to do something that is not something he would pick. They told us the reason they got it was so they could baby-sit. There is no thought given to Rich & what he is interested in. It was all about them.

I totally understand that C is important part of their lives now as he is in ours. But I wish they wouldn't forget about their wonderful, smart & caring first born son as well. He is an amazing dad and would do anything for C or for me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


This post is exactly why my two blogs are not linked in anyway. This is all about my MIL and why she is no longer welcome at my house.

Last night she wanted to come see C. That’s fine, but she was complaining that she never gets to see him. Well he was over at your house for 3.5 hrs before Mother’s day and you weren’t interested, why the all the sudden do you want to see him? Anyway Rich told her to come over after 6:30 pm. So we hurry up and get C from daycare, give him a bath and eat dinner. He is pretty sleepy when she gets there, but is still a little bit awake. I had given him a bath and then handed him to Rich while I ate dinner.

Now everyone knows we have two huskies. They are a part of our family. They are our girls and we treat them very well. They get to lie on the couches and have their own room that they stay in while we are at work or out of the house. They have been a part of our family for almost 6 yrs. This is nothing new. When people come to the house the dogs think they are coming to see them still. If you just give them a little attention and pet them first then they calm down. They may bring toys to ask you to play with them or give you licks to just show that they like you. Huskies don’t really bark, they howl and make noise to get your attention. Shelby & Skyler are very good dogs who are very much a part of who we are.

Now before C was even born, MIL made comments about huskies and babies. Every time she calls she talks about the dogs and have they done anything to C or how are they doing with C. We know not to leave them alone with C. We assume that nothing will ever happen, but you never do really know. Better to be safe then sorry. If he is asleep in his room the door is closed. We let the dogs sniff and lick C except for his face and hands. They have accepted C and we haven’t had any problems, if we did we would address them. C has actually started noticing the dogs and is following them with his eyes as they walk around. Shelby has to check for C when we come home before she goes outside. It is actually pretty cute.

We also try to keep the dogs away from people or occupied, but that only lasts for so long. Peanut butter bones and treats do eventually get eaten and the novelty wears off.

So last night MIL came over and started making some comments about not wanting S & S near C while she is holding him. OK fine, but when you didn’t pet them or acknowledge them when you come in they are going to be all over you until you do. So in a snotty tone she tells them to go outside or to the Florida room. She keeps telling them to get away. So I go outside to try and get them to calm down and cool off myself. We were out there for about 20 min until it was time to feed C. I come in and then they get a little excited again. She makes more comments and my blood is boiling at this point. I am not an idiot and neither are my girls. They are very good dogs they just like attention. I decide to stay out in the kitchen to make bottles for today and his one for his next feeding. Then when Rich takes C to be changed she tries to talk to me. Are you kidding me? I do not want to talk to her at all.

We had already agreed that MIL would not feed C due to the fact that she cannot burp him right and he has a horrible time with spit up every time she does feed him. Plus she had some auto-immune disease that has made her loose control of her hands and gripping. I also hadn’t seen C at all so Rich hands him to me to feed him.

So I was very angry last night because I felt like she was treating members of my family badly by making mean comments and getting upset because they wanted some attention. I also felt like she was insulting us as parents and a family. She has always made mean and nasty comments about the dogs and especially the dogs and C. So since it is just too much stress she is no longer welcome at our house. When she wants to see C we will come to her and it will have to be when it is convenient for us. I am totally fine with telling her this too. It is too stressful to have people there who don’t understand or care about our girls.

Probably doesn’t help that that I got some bad news at work before I left yesterday. They didn’t dock my pay checks for the part time hrs and unpaid time so my next three paychecks will be significantly short. Good times! My check is direct deposit and I didn’t really pay attention since a couple of my check were smaller due to the disability pay I assumed it was all ok. So until the middle of September all my checks will be docked.

I am so ready for a drink and a vacation!! I guess with the paycheck situation I will settle for a drink at home.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Maybe it is the hormones of getting my cycle back (Shocking I know. I might actually be regular for a little while) or just being a mother, but I can’t stop thinking about Cameron. I always want to be with him. I like to change his diapers, comfort him when he is upset and play with him when he is awake. I watch the clock like crazy and am always ready to go before 5.

I think Rich said it best this morning, I am struggling. I am struggling to stay here at work and stay motivated and concentrated on it. I can’t keep my mind off what I might be missing. They said he will be rolling over soon. Am I going to miss the first one? I know they don’t tell you if it is the first one, so I always wonder if we see things first or not.

I know for now I have to stay here at work. We need to get 4 trees cut down in our backyard and the house gutters need to be replaced. Stimulus money was supposed to take care of the gutters, but the new AC unit took that and more.

We are also concerned that Cam is not looking at us very much, not even when we speak directly to him. All of the development websites say he should be doing this by now. I know that babies develop differently, but it is still concerning. Especially since everything else seems to be on track. I want him to look at us when we speak to him sometimes. He loves to look at toys, books and shadows on the wall. He is always talking to the shadows on the bedroom wall. He is extremely curious about everything around him. When we are out to eat or in a store he is very intrigued and looks around all the time. I wonder if this is a product of daycare and being left alone to entertain him self? I want him to be independent, but still need human contact and attention. I love the snuggle time when I get it.

We are going to talk to daycare tomorrow about our concerns and see what they have to tell us. Maybe he is engaging with them all day and is just tired at night. That is what I hope anyway. Plus maybe it will force them to pay attention to him a little bit more too. We would do it this after noon, but the afternoon teacher is only there from 3-6 and he is normally asleep then.

Cam sleeps the majority of the time when we are at home at night. He just isn’t taking long naps at school so he is sleeping in the evenings. I know he needs to sleep but I miss my awake and playful little guy.

I mentioned to Rich that I think the worrying is much worse now that he is out of the womb. I almost think it was easier with him on the inside. Before all we worried about was if he was growing ok, his heartbeat was ok and he was still alive. Now I still worry if he is alive, but there are tons of other worries compounded on top of that basic one. How do you do it? How do you get past all of the worry when you aren’t with them all the time? I feel like if I was with him 24/7then I would know if this was normal behavior for him because he is usually interactive during the day. But I don’t know if this is the case and have to rely on others to tell me what is normal with my son. THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

2 Years

Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Or so the saying goes. I am not sure that time will ever heal the wounds from miscarriage, but maybe they are scarring over a little thicker and I am not picking at the scabs so much.

There are so many things I could say but no words eloquent enough to say it and honor BB’s memory. Happy second birthday BB!! We love you so much and miss you.

I hope Cam is ready for lots of big hugs tonight.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


When I got pregnant in 2005 I of course was very excited. I figured this was it, we were going to have a baby in July 2006. So I signed up for all the samples I could. Formula, diapers, e-mail reminders – anything I could get my hands on. We had wanted a baby for so long and I just figured well we got the hard part done finally so we were good to go. As we all know that didn’t work out that way. So I had to contact all the companies and tell them I had miscarried and to take me off their lists. All of them complied except for one.

So the company who shall not remain nameless (HUGGIES) still sends me the coupons despite my asking them repeatedly to take them off. Now normally I wouldn’t mind getting coupons. Coupons rock, I am all about saving money. No Huggies has to put this horrible reminder on each coupon booklet. YOU HAVE A XX MONTH OLD! The XX would be whatever months BB should be. We usually get these every 3-6 months. This time it said you have a 24 month old and it had the pull-ups advertised and all these big kids on the front. They also have games and songs inside geared toward that aged child. If the coupons booklets were generic that would be ok, but with the every few month reminder, it just sucks. I refuse to use Huggies on Cameron for principal that they don’t listen to their consumers. If anyone else uses them and wants the coupons I would be more than happy to pass them on. They are generic coupons inside. I would love to try and copy them somehow and pass them to everyone on the internet to make them really hurt where it counts, in the bottom line. They hurt me every few months, why shouldn’t I be able to return the favor?

Friday, July 11, 2008

I am staying

Well on the blog anyway. So I guess my last post really peaked everyone’s interest. I guess I should say that I feel I am not a regular mom for worrying so much, but in that respect I guess I am. I feel that I worry about Cameron so much and for so many reasons, some of them weird and I think Rich sometimes think I over react so I thought I was just the odd one out. Glad to know I am in such good company. 

As for the job front, I am still struggling with that. This is the end of the first full week for me. While it hasn’t been perfect or fun at work, it hasn’t been totally horrible either. Today is really hard though because one of the girls here had a baby about two weeks before me and today is her last day. She is staying home with her little guy. Makes me very wishful.

Rich finally admitted to me what he wants me to do. I asked for his opinion, but I will make my own decision. Lord knows I don’t do well with people telling me what to do. I think in my heart I know what I want to do, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. I am hoping that Rich and I can get some uninterrupted time this weekend to really sit down and talk about everything. It has been so hard since we haven’t been home too much due to the no air conditioning. I probably won’t be making any final decisions until the end of the month. I made an appt with the therapist at the end of the month because I have a lot of feelings and issues I need to get out before I make the final decision.

One of the comments on the last post was about how natural a mother I seem to be. That has been one of the most amazing things in this process. It did come very naturally for me. I felt like I knew Cam by the time he was 5 weeks old. I was the one who knew how to comfort him and could distinguish his cries. I was the one who helped Rich to calm him down and help him understand his son. I think now I see the big picture in that respect. Pregnancy is only 9 months long, but raising a child is forever. Cam will always be my son no matter what happens to me financially, emotionally or physically. I will always be his mother and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I am certainly enjoying being a mother more than I did pregnancy. Yes, feeling him move around in me was cool, but seeing him smile at me and talk to me and hearing him try to laugh and comfort him when he is upset is way cooler than the kicks. This is what I always dreamed about was the baby part, the pregnancy was just a means to the end. I don’t think it matters how he got here anymore, he is here and in my arms. That is what really matters.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

That is the question on my mind for several issues in life right now.

First off, this blog. Do I keep updating it and writing on it? I will never take it down as it is too much of a personal history and accomplishment to not leave it up for others to see, read and take a little piece away with them. I am so torn. Torn because I don’t feel like I fit in with the regular mommies. The ones who know that everything is ok and don’t worry about their child not breathing at night or worrying that they have been swaddled too tight or funny and that their arm is broken. The IF will never go away and I think it may be haunting me more now then during pregnancy. The guilt is there and the unresolved feelings are there just bubbling away at the surface. I just don’t feel like I have an appropriate place to express them anymore.

The second is work. I am back full time this week. Not even thru the full first day yet and I am ready to go. I am not happy here career wise and it just isn’t enough for me. I am a fast worker and get my stuff done at rapid speed. Because everyone else is slow, they don’t think I can handle anymore. I ask for more stuff and it is brushed off. So I am done with asking about that. Plus I don’t make much money and about ½ of my take home pay will go to day care. But I feel bad and guilty if I don’t work. Like I am not contributing to the household income and not contributing to society as a whole.

So I guess I am just lost right now trying to find out where my piece fits in the big puzzle.