Autumn's Day

Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be. I thought since C was here it would be easier. Well it wasn't. It was so hard. I was ok during the day at work, but that afternoon and night I was a mess. I took C on a walk in the neighborhood to calm him and I was just hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about our little girl. Autumn would have been one. I was thinking that she would have a big frilly party dress to twirl around in. I told C about her yesterday. First time I had really talked to him about all of the before him stuff.

It really was a double-edged sword for me yesterday though. I was grieving my little girl, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't have C. I got pregnant with C when I should have still been pregnant with Autumn. It is so hard because I now know and understand what I missed with my other babies. But at the same time maybe C wouldn't be here either.

No clever title this time

Something has been nagging at me this weekend and I wasn’t able to figure it out until just now. I found my old calendar and ultrasound picture today. I thought these were lost in the move while I was out on leave. My old calendar has a pink heart on the date for this Thursday. Autumn would be one year old. My heart is hurting so much for my baby girl that I didn’t even realize it. I love C with all my heart, but I miss Autumn too.

On a separate note, I am torn on what to do with this blog. I know that the title says and beyond, but I am not as comfortable writing about the and beyond here. Too many people in real life know about this one. I will never take it down as it was an important part of my life and a great place to get everything out, but I would like some anonymity as well. I don’t regret one bit that I shared it with all of you and it helped me tremendously, I am lost. I don’t know where to fit in anymore.

So maybe this is one last call. Someone bring the whiskey and beer.

Uninspired

Still here just not inspired to write anything right now. I can't even get it together enough to write on C's blog.

Presentation is supposed to go forward today. We shall see.

Lots of thoughts floating around, but I feel I should be censored on here.

Hopefully more later.