Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be. I thought since C was here it would be easier. Well it wasn't. It was so hard. I was ok during the day at work, but that afternoon and night I was a mess. I took C on a walk in the neighborhood to calm him and I was just hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about our little girl. Autumn would have been one. I was thinking that she would have a big frilly party dress to twirl around in. I told C about her yesterday. First time I had really talked to him about all of the before him stuff.
It really was a double-edged sword for me yesterday though. I was grieving my little girl, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't have C. I got pregnant with C when I should have still been pregnant with Autumn. It is so hard because I now know and understand what I missed with my other babies. But at the same time maybe C wouldn't be here either.