Thursday, October 11, 2007

I am positive now

Last night I had dinner with a couple of wonderful friends. One of them was talking about getting rid of the negative in her life. That she felt is was taking over. When she goes home from work, she leaves it all there. She seems a lot more calm & less stressed since she is doing this. So I am going to try & copy her. I am going to start thinking more positive about this pregnancy & Cletus. I got rid of a major source of negativity by switching jobs, so that isn’t the problem. The problem now is this pregnancy.

I am very ashamed to admit that when the whole grand parents thing went down this weekend, I was actually thinking that maybe this was a mistake. Maybe the reason we can’t have children naturally is because somebody knows better than us that we shouldn’t be parents. Rich & I were on opposite ends & I felt like I was right & knew more than he did. I held all this in for a couple days because I felt like I couldn’t talk to Rich about it. When we talked about it or other baby related things, all we did was raise our voices.

Tuesday I received an e-mail from another friend that really made me realize what an ass I was being. She & her husband don’t have what I do and want it desperately & here I am thinking this was a mistake? After all we have been thru; all the money, time, emotions, loss & failures – I think this was a mistake?!?!?!? IDIOT!!! I even told Rich that Julie’s e-mail made me feel like a turd.

So I talked to Rich about it on Tuesday night & told him everything. He said he was shocked that me, out of all people, would think this was a mistake. So we talked a lot about my fears of the grandparents expectations. I don’t want them to expect that we are going to let them have them every third weekend. We worked so hard & waited so long for Cletus, I want him to be with us on the weekends. Occasionally is ok, but the ground rules will be set. If they break the rules, then privileges are suspended. End of story. Rich told me that he has opinions too & just because I have done more research & think I know more, doesn’t mean that his opinions don’t count either.

I think another problem I have is with my MIL buying stuff. See she bought all 3 of her DIL’s these soft robes because that is what my SIL wanted. I don’t hardly ever wear a robe & I already have 2 of them. One of them my dad picked out especially for me. She also got the crib my BIL & SIL bought. Which is fine since it is her money, but I didn’t get it. I didn’t really think she needed to step up a nursery for just a few nights of baby-sitting. Well I e-mailed SIL & she said her mom did the same thing & she told my MIL they plan on her babysitting. So I obviously am the only psycho around who things that these people are crazy. I am the crazy one!!

So starting today I am going to be more positive. I am going to start believing Cletus is here to stay, WAS NEVER a mistake and will be coming home with us in April. No one is out to get me with what they buy. No one is jinxing anything by purchasing items. There is no evidence that anything bad is going to happen to Cletus. Everything looks fantastic. So I am going to pull out the maternity clothes & put them in the closet this weekend. Take out the others so I have nothing to fall back on. Now if things go bad, I will need some volunteers to come clean out my house.

I also am showing off my hyperlink ability too. I love that!!!


Val said...

Sounds great, Jenn! I think any negativity of this current pregnancy simply stems from the fact that you are simply afraid. No matter how much you try to talk yourselves out of it. I don't think you or Rich will relax until you physically are holding your child in your arms. Completely understandable! When the baby does arrive, you might feel differently towards family visits and friends. I used to avoid telling my mom if we happened to be visiting friends in C-bus because she would bug us to stop over. Now I intentionally cut visits short with my friends, so I have time to take my daughter to visit her. Feelings change (not all of them but some).

Jason said...

Kinda off topic, but I'm impressed by the use of hyperlinks!

MrsSpock said...

I guess I'm lucky in that my mother is in no way the pushy type, so there aren't too many grandparent issues. However, we did have to rein in both our families from buying tons of baby crap when I was only 6 weeks. It did feel like a big jinx to start visiting babies R Us.