Guilt & Disappointment

Disappointment #1: I hate cube farm life. I sit on the other side of a woman who thinks she is queen bee of a local snobby city. Everyone knows the attitude of people living there. They think they are the shit. This lady is always on the phone doing personal crap for her kids football and cheerleading teams. Then she complains she is so busy and wanting others to help her. They don't jump up to help because they aren't stupid, they hear her too. I was supposed to find out if we were moving soon, but that got canceled.

Disappointment #2: I have been working on a huge project at work the past couple weeks. We need to make money in our dept and we have been trying to find ways to do that. We had all worked really hard on getting the data together. I made an awesome presentation and had it all ready to go Tuesday for the meeting Wednesday. We find out an hour before the meeting it has been cancelled and rescheduled for two weeks. Bummer since we were all pumped up for it and ready to roll.

Disappointment #3: This is the big one. A few weeks ago I was given a new project to work on. It was a big challenge and a big undertaking for me. It was a new course and a new way for it to be accepted. I was working with a different dept and it was really important for a certain population of this country who need good representation (sorry to be vague, but I cannot give specifics as it would give away my employer). Anyway things were going well & I was getting lots of approvals. Then the other dept decided my part wasn't as important and pushed it to the side. I was very proud of this project and the people I was helping. It made me feel so good every time another approval came in. My coworkers have my back on this one though. One of them already stuck up for me to the rest of the dept and my boss about this and all the hard work I did.

So all of this getting dumped on me has made me question my being here and if what I do really matters. It has been a rough couple days.

Guilt #1: I am here at work and not with C because I want to do good things and feel good about the work I do. I am here at work because I really felt good about what I was doing lately. I was helping people who really needed it and I was trying to find a way to make money so everyone could keep their jobs.

Guilt #2: I realized I have no clue what C does all day. I know the basics that they write down on the form, but I don't know the details. What toy does he like? Does he even like toys since he seems to care less about them at home? What songs does he like? Is he still using the swaddle blanket? Why did he go 5 hrs between feedings yesterday?

I was really feeling good about working and my part in the scheme of things. I enjoyed the work and doing a good job. It was new, exciting & challenging. Rich will tell you I am sure that I was excited about the things I was doing, the new things I was learning and helping people who need it. I felt better leaving C at daycare everyday knowing that what I was doing was helping and making a difference, whether it be for strangers or co-workers. I think it was just a bunch of disappointments that arrived all together and deflated my little happy balloon.

I have some other IF related things to write about, but I need to get this little pity party out first today. Thanks for reading if you finished.

Offer

So my old job contacted me a couple weeks ago to try and fill a position. I was contacted as they want me back really bad. I am the first choice. I was tempted as I knew I could make as much as I do FT now at PT there. I was also hoping to negotiate working just 3 days a week so that I would have 4 days with C. This way I would still be working and making money, but be with C the majority of the time. I figure I could tolerate it just 3 days a week. Also I wouldn't have as high daycare costs since I would use a grandparent. I would still pay them but not as much as daycare.

Well I finally heard back from them today. They want FT and at the minimum 6hrs/day everyday. Go back to all that stress and pressure everyday, no thank you. I will stay where I am at for now.

I guess everything works out for a reason.

Reflections

One year ago yesterday we got the call we had been hoping for/dreading. Pregnancy test was positive and too high to be left over from the second HCG shot. And so begain that rollercoaster ride. It is so hard to believe that I am sitting here a year later with an absolutely perfect and adorable 16 week old little boy. I never thought that at that point last year I would make it to a point where we would have a healthy and happy baby. I never thought that 2 shots a day would get me to where I had just dreamed of being. Thank goodness for modern medicine!!! It has been very useful to us in the past year.

The IF road was so bumpy, bruising and a roller coaster ride for us. I am glad to be off the ride for now, but it is still a part of me and who I am today. I think a lot of relatives have forgotten what it took to get C here and have him arrive healthy and alive. Just because I don’t want to let him stay with you all the time or let him stay overnight at this point doesn’t make me a bitchy mom. It makes me an over-protective mama bear. And when I want to hold him instead of you that is ok, that is my choice. Or if we take the crib bumpers out if are worried because there is no monitor in that room that is ok too.

This is going to sound totally crazy and off the wall, but in some ways I am thankful for the IF. I know in my heart that Rich and I can make it thru anything together. We have already been thru hell so everything else is a piece of cake. I think that maybe that is why we seem to get along so well, too well maybe sometimes. I think that IF has made me a stronger person as well. I don’t back down and I am not as wimpy as I used to be. I stand up for what I think is best and if you don’t like my opinion that is ok, but I am not going to change to go with the majority.

This post ended up all over the place and not where the original one was going or so I thought. That’s what you get from me though. Especially anymore I find myself scatter-brained, unmotivated and all over the place at any given moment.

Thankful for therapy

I am so glad that I decided to go back to the therapist. If was definitely needed. It helped out a ton, but I still need to go back.

She helped me to see that Rich’s Mom is just an anxious person who is always going to need something to worry about. She has just picked the dogs and C to be what she is going to obsessively worry about. We need to do what is best for our family and not worry about her feelings. If she has hurt feelings, so what? What is best for C and us is number one.

This weekend we will be going to Rich’s mom’s house for his grandma’s birthday. Did you get that? It will be interesting to see what happens with her and see if she says anything. I doubt it. I think sometimes she is just so oblivious to what is going on.

I think I may be getting my PPD now. I have been more emotional and on the edge lately. Stupid little things are upsetting me. I am not feeling like being as social as I normally would. I just feel like spending time at home and that is where things started before. I am hoping maybe it is just all the stress lately that is really getting me down. We are starting the busy birthday season for Rich’s family so I keep thinking about all the weekends just slipping away with all the running around and craziness coming up. Things at work are stressful too. Lots of big changes going on that we aren’t being made aware of until after the fact.