Thursday, August 28, 2008

Guilt & Disappointment

Disappointment #1: I hate cube farm life. I sit on the other side of a woman who thinks she is queen bee of a local snobby city. Everyone knows the attitude of people living there. They think they are the shit. This lady is always on the phone doing personal crap for her kids football and cheerleading teams. Then she complains she is so busy and wanting others to help her. They don't jump up to help because they aren't stupid, they hear her too. I was supposed to find out if we were moving soon, but that got canceled.

Disappointment #2: I have been working on a huge project at work the past couple weeks. We need to make money in our dept and we have been trying to find ways to do that. We had all worked really hard on getting the data together. I made an awesome presentation and had it all ready to go Tuesday for the meeting Wednesday. We find out an hour before the meeting it has been cancelled and rescheduled for two weeks. Bummer since we were all pumped up for it and ready to roll.

Disappointment #3: This is the big one. A few weeks ago I was given a new project to work on. It was a big challenge and a big undertaking for me. It was a new course and a new way for it to be accepted. I was working with a different dept and it was really important for a certain population of this country who need good representation (sorry to be vague, but I cannot give specifics as it would give away my employer). Anyway things were going well & I was getting lots of approvals. Then the other dept decided my part wasn't as important and pushed it to the side. I was very proud of this project and the people I was helping. It made me feel so good every time another approval came in. My coworkers have my back on this one though. One of them already stuck up for me to the rest of the dept and my boss about this and all the hard work I did.

So all of this getting dumped on me has made me question my being here and if what I do really matters. It has been a rough couple days.

Guilt #1: I am here at work and not with C because I want to do good things and feel good about the work I do. I am here at work because I really felt good about what I was doing lately. I was helping people who really needed it and I was trying to find a way to make money so everyone could keep their jobs.

Guilt #2: I realized I have no clue what C does all day. I know the basics that they write down on the form, but I don't know the details. What toy does he like? Does he even like toys since he seems to care less about them at home? What songs does he like? Is he still using the swaddle blanket? Why did he go 5 hrs between feedings yesterday?

I was really feeling good about working and my part in the scheme of things. I enjoyed the work and doing a good job. It was new, exciting & challenging. Rich will tell you I am sure that I was excited about the things I was doing, the new things I was learning and helping people who need it. I felt better leaving C at daycare everyday knowing that what I was doing was helping and making a difference, whether it be for strangers or co-workers. I think it was just a bunch of disappointments that arrived all together and deflated my little happy balloon.

I have some other IF related things to write about, but I need to get this little pity party out first today. Thanks for reading if you finished.


MrsSpock said...

Hmmm...could that local snobby city be mine? All of our neighbors (that we don't really fraternize with) have their kids names and cheerleading and football decals on the back of their SUVs.

J is starting to go longer between feedings himself, as long as 5 hours sometimes. We increased the amount he gets at one feed (typically 6 oz now), and he'll now get around 30 oz in 24 hours. The other night he fussed until he drank 9 oz at bedtime. But that was way in left field.

Jenn said...

No Mrs Spock it is not your neighborhood. It is one in close vicinity though. It has a large deer-looking mascot. :)

Good to know about J. C got bumped up to 5oz so maybe that is it. Just odd since he has been so strict on the 3-4 hr stretch.

Val said...

I agree with you, Jenn. I used to always plug the working mom think, but that was when I liked my job. I hate my office now and the way it's changed. All I do is brainstorm different options and Adam and I have had several discussions about part time work, etc.

As far as daycare stuff, just make sure to ask all your questions. Ask why Cam went 5 hours in between feedings. You need to know for his well being and for your own reassurance. A lot of times I would be upset , but when I asked the next day about it...was actually something rational. And here, I was upset all night for nothing. I still think I'd like her to go to daycare only 3 days though but in her defense, she has a really good time. Things change a lot when they get older too. We used to share all your same concerns and now even at 18 months, we know that school has been huge benefit to Meadow. I want her home, but I can't imagine her not going either.

Jason said...

I would second val on her ideas about daycare, just ask for a more detailed report card. Ask for more explanation on the fields that are there or ask to add custom fields that you want to know about each day when you pick him up.