Paralyzer

This post is going to be a rant filled post and tons of talk about C so reader beware.

This issue I am about to discuss has caused me a huge amount of worry & stress. It is not going on the private blog for now.

I took C to the eye Dr today because we had noticed he is still cross eyed at times and the pediatrician said that should have gone away at 2 months. So I get to the children's hospital and I saw the Dr for a total of 2 minutes. He looked at his dilated eyes, pushed his head until he cried and said he has a 4th nerve paralysis. He said he recommends we wait 6 more months because sometimes it gets better. Then he left. Now how do I take the fact that you just told me my baby's eye nerve is paralyzed and that you just walk out? Not very well. I had already at that point decided to get a second opinion. This is C's vision we are talking about. Not something to take lightly.

I am beyond pissed, but not just at the Dr. I am pissed at the world. WTF??? Why does all this shit keep happening to us? Why do we have to keep fighting with the medical world and have all this crazy stuff happen? Why does C have to be affected this time? I can take a nasty diagnosis for me. I can shoot up my still bruised & cyst filled stomach for 8 months, but why my baby?

According to what I read during his short nap he is seeing double right now. He also tips his head to the side to compensate. He has tipped his head to the right since birth. Remember when I talked about him not looking at us? Well it all makes sense now. It was too much stimulation for him since he was seeing us double. Everything I read so far also says it doesn't get better and surgery after 6 months is usually performed.

As I look at my beautiful baby boy rolling on the floor taking toys off his play gym(don't know how he managed the one he has) I am sad, scared & worried. Will we ever have a normal time? Or is this our new normal? Specialists from pre-conception onward. Ear infections that turn into bacteria in the blood. Never getting to have a normal Dr visit where all is well. This is just the beginning.

Do I have it in me to do this? Do I have it in me for the next fight, and the next, and the next?

Then I look at C (who is now rolling the play gym with him and trying to get into daddy's camera bag) and I know I do. I have to do this for him. I want him to really have normal vision. So I will fight to get the right Dr and diagnosis. I have already made an appt for a second opinion. I will do what I need to for him, whatever it takes.

Trust your instinct if you suspect something isn't right, maybe you will be wrong, but the majority of the time mom's are right.

Because when I look at C and he gives me that huge, open mouth smile, I realize something. All of the fights; past, present and future are so worth it. I will fight for him because that is what a mother does for her son.

** Comments are turned off for this post. I really don't want sunshine blown up my ass right now. Everything is not all right or OK. This whole situation fucking sucks!

first time in a long time

I cried at the therapy session. There are lots of things going on right now that is really stressful for me. I am anxious and worried. We talked about Autumn a lot and how to deal with it being right in my face now. It helps alot. I am still grieving for her which I don't think I realized until today.

Then today I get back and there are pink balloons. There is a baby shower for them today. The hits just keep on coming.

Mrs Spock thanks for the comment about the angel wall. I will be sending my info to her.

Thanks for everyone still reading and commenting. It means alot to me. I never thought I would still need the support.

Meeting

I met the baby named Autumn. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I only saw her for a brief second. She is a preemie and is very tiny. They were really rushed to get her around to see everyone. So that is over now. Still very sad to hear them talk about her after they left and say her name out loud.

Cube walls are thin **Edited**

A guy that sits near me at work is back from his paternity leave. He has been back for a week after his wife had their baby a couple weeks ago. He doesn't speak very much and is pretty quiet. I never heard what they named their baby until last week. Their little girl's name is Autumn. Luckily for me he is very quiet. This is going to be hard.

Edited to add -
He is bringing her up to visit today. I am going to need some strength today. Or a drink, either works.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Today is a day to remember BB, Autumn and all of the other angels taken too soon. If you have lost a little one, my thoughts are with you today.

I really need to get down to the angel statute soon. We have teddy bears for our two angels. I really need to make it a priorty some time soon on the weekend and just go. Maybe I will jsut have to make the drive by myself, but I need to go down soon. I feel bad that we haven't been down there in over a year.

Do I really need a paycheck?

It has been one of those days once again. I really wish I could work from home. I think I would do much better not being in a cube and dealing with office drama. Actually I would love to be my own boss. Any ideas on how to do that?

So on days like today I just keep my headphones on and repeat to myself "I have never been fired before, don't start now" and "I need a paycheck".

Autumn's Day

Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be. I thought since C was here it would be easier. Well it wasn't. It was so hard. I was ok during the day at work, but that afternoon and night I was a mess. I took C on a walk in the neighborhood to calm him and I was just hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about our little girl. Autumn would have been one. I was thinking that she would have a big frilly party dress to twirl around in. I told C about her yesterday. First time I had really talked to him about all of the before him stuff.

It really was a double-edged sword for me yesterday though. I was grieving my little girl, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't have C. I got pregnant with C when I should have still been pregnant with Autumn. It is so hard because I now know and understand what I missed with my other babies. But at the same time maybe C wouldn't be here either.

No clever title this time

Something has been nagging at me this weekend and I wasn’t able to figure it out until just now. I found my old calendar and ultrasound picture today. I thought these were lost in the move while I was out on leave. My old calendar has a pink heart on the date for this Thursday. Autumn would be one year old. My heart is hurting so much for my baby girl that I didn’t even realize it. I love C with all my heart, but I miss Autumn too.

On a separate note, I am torn on what to do with this blog. I know that the title says and beyond, but I am not as comfortable writing about the and beyond here. Too many people in real life know about this one. I will never take it down as it was an important part of my life and a great place to get everything out, but I would like some anonymity as well. I don’t regret one bit that I shared it with all of you and it helped me tremendously, I am lost. I don’t know where to fit in anymore.

So maybe this is one last call. Someone bring the whiskey and beer.

Uninspired

Still here just not inspired to write anything right now. I can't even get it together enough to write on C's blog.

Presentation is supposed to go forward today. We shall see.

Lots of thoughts floating around, but I feel I should be censored on here.

Hopefully more later.

Guilt & Disappointment

Disappointment #1: I hate cube farm life. I sit on the other side of a woman who thinks she is queen bee of a local snobby city. Everyone knows the attitude of people living there. They think they are the shit. This lady is always on the phone doing personal crap for her kids football and cheerleading teams. Then she complains she is so busy and wanting others to help her. They don't jump up to help because they aren't stupid, they hear her too. I was supposed to find out if we were moving soon, but that got canceled.

Disappointment #2: I have been working on a huge project at work the past couple weeks. We need to make money in our dept and we have been trying to find ways to do that. We had all worked really hard on getting the data together. I made an awesome presentation and had it all ready to go Tuesday for the meeting Wednesday. We find out an hour before the meeting it has been cancelled and rescheduled for two weeks. Bummer since we were all pumped up for it and ready to roll.

Disappointment #3: This is the big one. A few weeks ago I was given a new project to work on. It was a big challenge and a big undertaking for me. It was a new course and a new way for it to be accepted. I was working with a different dept and it was really important for a certain population of this country who need good representation (sorry to be vague, but I cannot give specifics as it would give away my employer). Anyway things were going well & I was getting lots of approvals. Then the other dept decided my part wasn't as important and pushed it to the side. I was very proud of this project and the people I was helping. It made me feel so good every time another approval came in. My coworkers have my back on this one though. One of them already stuck up for me to the rest of the dept and my boss about this and all the hard work I did.

So all of this getting dumped on me has made me question my being here and if what I do really matters. It has been a rough couple days.

Guilt #1: I am here at work and not with C because I want to do good things and feel good about the work I do. I am here at work because I really felt good about what I was doing lately. I was helping people who really needed it and I was trying to find a way to make money so everyone could keep their jobs.

Guilt #2: I realized I have no clue what C does all day. I know the basics that they write down on the form, but I don't know the details. What toy does he like? Does he even like toys since he seems to care less about them at home? What songs does he like? Is he still using the swaddle blanket? Why did he go 5 hrs between feedings yesterday?

I was really feeling good about working and my part in the scheme of things. I enjoyed the work and doing a good job. It was new, exciting & challenging. Rich will tell you I am sure that I was excited about the things I was doing, the new things I was learning and helping people who need it. I felt better leaving C at daycare everyday knowing that what I was doing was helping and making a difference, whether it be for strangers or co-workers. I think it was just a bunch of disappointments that arrived all together and deflated my little happy balloon.

I have some other IF related things to write about, but I need to get this little pity party out first today. Thanks for reading if you finished.