The deal

Spoke with my old boss yesterday. Here is the run down:

PT position 3 days a week 8:30-5 M,W,F
No benefits at all - they may pay my parking
Would be more of a helper for overflow, probably not many of my own cases

I told her that my biggest obstacle is finding reliable, trusting PT daycare. We are already switching FT daycare facilites for C. That was already in the works before this popped up. So I have called around to places we toured and liked before C was born and no one takes PT before 18 months. Rich & I are not comfortable with a private sitter so we are stuck. We just don't want to take him to a complete strangers house when he is so little and can't tell us what is going on. I was honest and told her that was the deal.

So she is going to look at a possible FT position there. I am not sure I want to do that. I don't know if I want to do FT with all the problems and drama there again. One of the girls I worked with called last night and told me some of the drama that went on since it snowed so bad yesterday. I could handle PT with just being a helper and not in a main role and just doing my job with the headset on and be done.

Depending on what they offer me pay wise, we could do FT at a center until he was 18 months adn then drop him to PT and I would work PT during that transition time to 18 months. But every single penny I made would truly go to daycare. Is it worth it? I would have a guaranteed PT job once he was at the PT care age. Or do I wait until he is 18 months and ask to go PT at my current job?

I e-mailed my old boss this morning to tell her that I don't want her to make up a FT position for me if the work/room/money for it isn't there. I don't want to hurt anyone that is there now or get into a billable hrs problem again like when I left. So she is gonig to get with me next week after talking it over and looking at numbers.

So what is my gut telling me? PT I could go for and handle. I would still be making money (eventually) and getting out with adults to socialize. Plus 4 days a week with C!! I do not think I could handle FT again. I think the same old drama and crap would get me down and make myself and Rich miserable.

So now I wait and see what she brings back offer wise for PT and/or FT. Either way I still ahve a job (for now) that I am grateful for most days!

Am I crazy?

This is nuts to even put out there but here goes. My old job has contacted me and wants me to come back PT. I would be like an assistant, mostly helping out and have a few of my own cases to work. Work either every morning or 2-3 full days a week. So I am having a conference call to talk about it tomorrow. Basically the job is mine it is just working out the details.

I am so torn. Lay.offs have been mentioned/threatened for real now. I had my review yesterday and no pay raise. The big project is on semi-permanent hiatus it seems. Pressure to create more entries is rising fast and furious and we have no way to control or help it. During my review my boss didn't even fill out the normal goals/objectives paper. He is also worried I am bored.

The old job had its major drawbacks as well. Not nice bosses and crazy schedule at times. Plus there wasn't always enough for me to do. And billable hour pressure.

But working PT would be a huge plus for C. Maybe he could get a more regular nap schedule so he isn't going to bed at 6:30 every night and even earlier on weekends sometimes. And we could do fun things in the afternoons.

I just need to make a decision after talking to the old boss and deciding about daycare for C. Deciding what is best for C and for me. This is going to be hard. If he was a little bit older it would be easy daycare wise, but he isn't so now we have to weigh out what we feel is best for C. Plus I need to decide if going back is the right thing for me as well.

Motivation

Motivation came to me on Saturday in an unusual way. Our pipes froze so we had no hot water Saturday. So I said I would go to the gym and take a shower. And since I was there I decided to work out as well. I did 25 min on the exercise bike. I felt really good afterwards. Although a little lightheaded. I have got to remember to start eating before exercising. And I got a hot shower which made me feel even better. Pipes thawed by Sunday so we were ok. We do have a crack in the drain from the water softener so we need to get that looked at. I was hoping to get the outside fixed up this year but it looks like it will be the inside instead.

Yesterday was so awesome!! I got up to help Rich get C ready to go to school. Then after they left I went back to bed. I slept a couple more hours and then finished ecl.ipse. The Twil.ight series is so good. Then I went had lunch and did some shopping. I got some stuff for C (clothes for now and this spring) and a new purse, wallet and tech case for me. I spent almost all of my b-day GC and money from last year.

I went to pick C up a little early since I was over that way. He got a huge smile on his face when he heard my voice. He was "helping" Ms Katie rearrange the toys on the bottom bookshelf when I got there (He was taking all the toys out and throwing them on the floor). I went to his crib to get his car seat and coat and he turned to look for me. C bonked his head on the wood bookcase. Poor dude! He started crying really hard tears. I went and picked him up and he smiled and buried his head on me. So funny!

This morning we put him with his girlfriend and they were so happy to see each other. She had on sparkly shoes that he loved. This has been a fun.

Yesterday was so nice I even made dinner last night. I feel 1000% better today and not in nearly as bad of a mood as usual to be at work. I definitely need to pay attention and do Jenn days more often if I need to. It is better for everyone when I do.

Jumping in

I am going to do low.carb again to try and jump start the weight loss. Cut out the pop and the sweets. Oh how I love sweets though. And bread. Ugh!!! Damn you PCOS insulin-resistance!! If anyone has low.carb snacks, meal ideas let me know. I need something.

I want to lose 50 lbs this year. I have to lose 10 by the time I go back to the Dr in June. 50!!!!!!!!!!! I put it here to be accountable so everyone knows what is up. I would love a ticker but you have to put your real weight in there and I love you all, but that number is a secret. No way am I sharing that with the Internet!! I can share everything else though, sort of funny! 50 lbs would put me at my weight when we got married almost 9 yrs ago.

Monday is a holiday for me. Yeah for corporate life. So I am doing the unthinkable. C is going to daycare and I am having a Jenn day. I am sleeping in after helping get C ready for the day. I will probably have an easy lunch. Do some shopping with GC I still have from my birthday last year. Maybe go to the salon. Going to the movies with some friends from work that afternoon. Going to see Twi.light again. Then pick up C that afternoon a little early and spend some extra time with him.

I am really looking forward to this and I need it so bad, so no judging!! I know I could keep C that day and we could have fun too, but I need this break in the worst way. I feel lost and I need to do this for myself. I am very excited!! February holiday is all about a me & C day.

Reflections

I was going to do a post about my reflections on 2008 and what a year it was but I couldn't get my act together for that. Now it seems stupid to do that. Why bother?

I haven't started out 2009 with my best foot forward. I have not been a nice person to someone I love deeply and I apologize for that.

I need to loose weight and cannot get motivated to do it. Health wise it is imperative, but even that is unmotivating to me. I have no willpower and can't stay away from the good stuff. I lost 30 lbs after the 2nd mc for motivation to have a baby. Now that he is here and tangiable you would think he would be motivation to stick around to see him grow up? Not so much.

I am a big Blog reader especially IF blogs. Sometimes that is the way to fill my day since they won't let me do more stuff at work. So why is everyone going password protected all of the sudden? I hope this isn't a huge trend. I don't plan on passwording this blog. I have thought about having a more anonymous blog to write more controversial posts, but I can barely keep up with the two I have now.

I am having a moral/ethical/jealous dilemma with a girl I work with that is pregnant. We are almost long lost sisters in our similar paths of TTC/IF and recurrent loss. She is pregnant and I know more than she does about the land of IF/loss and where her current pregnancy is heading. She is so excited. So I keep encouraging her and telling her that maybe she just ovulated really late and that is why she is measuring behind! Even though if she stopped to think about it mathematically it is impossible. Ugh!!! Sometimes it sucks to know as much as I do about this crappy stuff we are dealt.

I hope everyone is doing well. I have no motivation for much right now. I need something to look forward to in the near future. My co-worker says I need a vacation because I am getting bitchy and mean at work too. I am trying to convince Rich of the same thing. We are working on it.

It's over

The holiday that is. I am so grateful that it is done. I was reading all of these blogs about how great their holidays were and how wonderful it was to see family. Hahaha!! I am going to tell the truth. My holidays blew!!! It was horrible, stressful and no fun. C was cutting his two front teeth so he was cranky and not wanting to be anywhere but home. It is hard to take a baby who is wanting to crawl everywhere and get into everything to people's houses that are not baby proofed. Plus having to drag the packnplay everywhere and all the other baby stuff was crazy.

Christmas eve was the best of the days. C was good slept in the pnp in the basement but he was away from all the noise and commotion so he did well. He looked so cute and peaceful sleeping.

Christmas day I thought it would be a good idea to have all the grandparents over for an open house to see C. We don't have to get dressed, leave or do anything that day. Well wouldn't you know they all showed up at the same time in our tiny house? It seemed like a good idea at the time but it was not. We will not be doing that next year.

The Saturday after Christmas was a nightmare. C slept maybe 45 min the whole day. It was too loud and too crazy for him. There was no place to crawl around at one house and then with his baby cousin there it was even worse. They commandeered the crib, high chair and other baby items. Pissed me off at the end. There are other babies here now!!!

Every year we play games at Rich's dad's house. Every year it is a nightmare. I will never play again. Too many sore losers and rule sticklers. Everyone gets a gift so who gives a fuck? We left while they were still playing. I had had enough and put my foot down.

C got in the car after we finally left and he started chatting and talking in such a cute and clam way. No more crying and fighting us. I think he knew what was going on and knew it was not the place for us.

We both got a bunch of crap we don't want or need. Next year I am telling them no gifts. Donate to a charity in my name if you must do something. We got more freaking movie GC. We have some from two years ago still. I finally gave some of them away so someone will use them. We do not see movies. Even before we had C, we didn't really go much because Rich is not a movie person. Never has been, never will be.

Some snide comments were made about daycare centers. I let that one go for the most part. At least my kid isn't watch TV every morning and exposed to chicken pox before he can get the vaccine. Yes my BIL got a call that a kid that their sitter watches has the chicken pox. Crazy!!

C wasn't allowed to play with his cousin much. Evidently we have too many germs or aren't good enough for them. Whatever!!

The thing that made me most mad is the comments made because C sleeps thru the night. I am well aware of the fact we are extremely lucky. C goes down around 6:30-7:00 every night and wakes up around 6:30 am. He hasn't been up at night since he got sick in July. I tell everyone I know we are very lucky that he is like this. I can't help that your child still gets up in the night. Maybe he takes after his mom because she can't sit still. She always has to be doing something. C takes after me. I love to sleep and so does he and he is cranky without enough. So stop making comments about C going right back to sleep at home and not waking us up. Stop feeding your kid junk and snacks 24/7 that are for toddlers. He is a baby, maybe treat him like one? She is the one that kept pushing him to grow up so fast. There you go.

Next year we need to have better communication between Rich and I. He was less than helpful with C and I was left to do more than my fair share. Of course he needs to eat, but when brunch sucked and there was not much I liked I am going to need to eat soon too. We have already talked about this so he knows the deal.

Also next year we have decided we are starting a new tradition. We are going away between Christmas and New Years. We are going someplace with a cabin, snow and have fun with the three of us. No shuffling around between houses and we can do our holiday get togethers before Christmas or after new years and spread them out. Rich & I neither one enjoy this time of year and it is time to change it. Start our own new, fun traditions.

So anyway, I truly hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday and a fantastic new year. 2008 has been the best year ever for us!!!!!!

Better Days

Things are better right now. C is sleeping better at daycare the past couple days so he has been in a better mood at night. He has 4 teeth working on coming thru and just last night started doing the army crawl everywhere.

I went out with a wonderful friend last night for dinner and that improved my mood tremendously. I think maybe I needed some "me" time.

Working on the work situation. Have some ideas in mind and hoping one of them comes to head. I may have a better idea after tomorrow.

Christmas is just crap. So unsure what we are going to do. As of right now I don't want to do anything with any family.

I am super pissed at my parents for taking C to see Santa (for the first time)at a local farm/restaurant while they were there eating. I have to deal with that soon as at the time I was too shocked to say anything.

I am going to see the therapist tomorrow and will unload on her. I am so glad she convinced me to make appts every 3 weeks over the holidays. I thought I wouldn't need them, LOL!

Hard Times

This is a depressing post so skip it if you are in a good mood or don't want to listen to me complain.

I don't know if it is the weather, the holidays or what but I am seriously in a funk. I am so blah and unmotivated to do anything. Work is just going along, our project got defeated so I am back to bored. Our families are fighting with us and throwing guilt trips about the holidays. I am feeling very anti-social lately. I don't want to go to any of the holiday obligations and parties. I got a migraine again before my work holiday party. Being a working mother and motherhood in general sucks right now. I hope that things look up and change after the holidays are over.

The families fighting over time for the holidays has me really angry, stressed and sad. We had it all planned out and now we are expected to go to one more place. So we have solved the problem for the next year and beyond. We are leaving town on Christmas Day. We figure there won't be much traffic on the actual day in the afternoon/evening. We will find someplace to stay until the new year. We don't even care where, we just need to have a fun time for Christmas for once. This is a major problem with having all our family close and they don't want to spread it out. They all expect it to be within the few days we have off and it is too much, especially with a little one. C didn't nap at all on Thanksgiving because of all the noise and people at both houses we went to and we paid for it on Friday. They don't understand or care about this. They just want to see C. I understand that, but that is why we made our house open on Christmas Day so they can stop over whenever they would like. We can keep C's schedule and they can see him on Christmas Day. They still expect us to travel around even with our little baby.

This has made me blue, depressed and short tempered. Rich & I are arguing more and I am short on patience with C. He is paying for my bad moods in that I am disinterested in him. C is whiny and cranky all the time right now. He is frustrated because he can't get to stuff that he wants. He is starting to do a slow army crawl but he wants so much stuff and can't get to it or he isn't allowed to have it. He is also teething with 4 teeth visible which adds to the crank. I do not want to be with him or spend time with him right now. He is not napping at daycare, going to bed as soon as we get home and then gets mad because we have to wake him up to eat dinner. He is getting up really early and I am so not a morning person. It is so trying.

I feel like a horrible mother because I am just not wanting to be with C right now at all. I do not feel like doing things with him and everything seems to be a battle right now. Diaper changes, playing, going in the car, going to bed are all battles. Everyday all the time we are with him he is whining or crying. I hope this phase goes by soon.

Daycare is annoying the crap out of me. I am so aggravated with them and their "opinions" on what is best for C. They have cornered us a few times on things we are doing that they don't like. They are badgering us about feeding him more often. He is still a baby, not even 8 months old yet. We think they want to stuff him full so he will leave them alone. I think he wants more interaction time and they can't give it to him. Two new babies will be coming in before the end of the year because one boy is leaving for the next room and another is being forced out. I know that C will not be ready for the next room at 10 months. One of the boys is ready for sure, he is almost walking. The other is not doing that, is barely crawling and is very needy. I think we may look at our options after the first of the year. Start looking at other daycare centers or sitters.

Rich really wants me to stay home and we have talked about this possibility before. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can tolerate the whining, crying and bad days all day. I don't know if it is a good thing for either of us for me to stay at home.

I have cut down on the caffeine for the migraines and I am exhausted all the time. I do not want to be social and I want to stay by myself in my cube and my house. I am not a fun person to be around right now so my apologies if you have to be around me. This is just me right now. I am no fun.

We have a tree

There is a Christmas tree up in my living room. It is not decorated yet, but it is up in my house. So what you may ask? Everyone has a tree up this time of year. Well it is a huge deal this year. We have not had a tree since 2005. We just never felt the desire or need to put one up. Why put it up when we won't be home and neither of us was very excited to celebrate another anniversary of a D&C or another year without a little one in the house.

Well since C is here this year we decided to put the big tree up. We did this on Sunday afternoon during C's big nap. After struggling with the tree and directions we finally got it all up and fluffed out. We turned the lights on, (side note- whoever thought to put the lights already on fake tress is a hero in my book) I turned to Rich with tears streaming down and said "We have a tree in our house". We have a tree in our house because I have a son sleeping in his room. There is an extra stocking to be hung, toys to put under the tree, Santa Claus pictures to have taken, Christmas cards to send out and joy to be had this year. There is a wonderful reason for the season this year. I am so thankful to have C here and in our lives.

We have a baby's first Christmas ornament that Rich picked out and put on a prominent branch in the front of the tree. We both teared up when he placed that one on the tree. Even though he has been here for almost 8 months it still seems unreal at times. I really hope to have a magical time this year and enjoy seeing it thru C's eyes.

Better than expected

No one has called about C. I am shocked. I did head off one call by calling my parents and telling them first before I posted. I guess I just didn't put enough faith that they wouldn't blow up. Now if I would have mentioned the nerve palsy I think that would have set them all off.