Monday, July 7, 2008

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

That is the question on my mind for several issues in life right now.

First off, this blog. Do I keep updating it and writing on it? I will never take it down as it is too much of a personal history and accomplishment to not leave it up for others to see, read and take a little piece away with them. I am so torn. Torn because I don’t feel like I fit in with the regular mommies. The ones who know that everything is ok and don’t worry about their child not breathing at night or worrying that they have been swaddled too tight or funny and that their arm is broken. The IF will never go away and I think it may be haunting me more now then during pregnancy. The guilt is there and the unresolved feelings are there just bubbling away at the surface. I just don’t feel like I have an appropriate place to express them anymore.

The second is work. I am back full time this week. Not even thru the full first day yet and I am ready to go. I am not happy here career wise and it just isn’t enough for me. I am a fast worker and get my stuff done at rapid speed. Because everyone else is slow, they don’t think I can handle anymore. I ask for more stuff and it is brushed off. So I am done with asking about that. Plus I don’t make much money and about ½ of my take home pay will go to day care. But I feel bad and guilty if I don’t work. Like I am not contributing to the household income and not contributing to society as a whole.

So I guess I am just lost right now trying to find out where my piece fits in the big puzzle.


Jason said...

In regards to the second question you can probably guess where my response is going to lead. Anyway, I don't think you should feel guilty if you don't "work." You will be working if you stay home and raise Cameron. Your contribution to society will be raising a wonderful child who is properly equipped to himself contribute as he grows up. You know from your time off that staying home with your child isn't sitting around eating bon-bons and watching soaps. Some may not view it as "work" but I think that that is something that needs change n e way.

As far as contributing to the household income that's something that only you and Rich can know and discuss. I know that I wasn't exactly sold on the idea of Devon being a stay-at-home mom, but now I know that I wouldn't want things any other way. I know that the best person to take of Gabriel IS taking care of him. I know she's contributing to the household in a way that can't be measured monetarily. Hope these thoughts help you.

ohioana said...

I actually struggle a lot with the same monetary argument. I took some time off before pregnancy, and then right around the time I should have been going back to work full time, I got pregnant. Making money is really important to me emotionally for a lot of the same reasons you mentioned, and deciding to continue my time at home was tough for me. However, I find I am more at peace with that decision now than I was a few months ago. That said, I expect that I will always question my decision to take time off work, and then extend that time with motherhood. Most women who have kids struggle with these choices off and on. So I don't have any great words of wisdom, but at least you aren't alone.

As for "normal" mothers who don't worry about their kids while they sleep etc., I don't know any moms like that. As far as I can tell, we all worry and feel guilty. It's just part of the package.

Also, I think you're doing a great job with Cam and seem like a very natural, loving mom. I hope you come to a decision that you feel happy about most of the time.

sarah said...

I can tell you that that I am the biggest worry wart you will meet. I would love to meet a mom who doesn't worry. I am constantly checking on Ethan. I am with him all the time. I do not let him out of my sight. Terry is the same way. So we understand! As for the work issue, that is something that is hard to decide. I love being home all the time with Ethan. I do wish I could help out money wise though but Terry tells me not to worry and that he loves the fact that I am with Ethan all day and he appreciates what I do. I know Rich will support whatever you decide. You need to do what you think is best for you and your family and what makes you happy. I hope whatever you decide makes you happy! Life is way too short to be unhappy:)

Julie and Greg said...

Please don't leave this blog, this is the one I always come back to and check more often than your other (no offense to Rich or Cam!).

Your job at home with Cam is twice as hard as any job in the "workplace". Don't let anyone tell you different.

You've got to follow your heart on this one. And only you can make that decision. I've learned over these past few years, that the $ will work itself out somehow, don't let it stop you from doing what your heart tells you to do.

We love and support you no matter what!

MrsSpock said...

I feel guilty all the time about our reduced finances- though D never makes me feel bad. He really doesn't want me to go back until 6 months, though at work it's go back in August or not at all. I have the good fortune as a nurse to only work 12 hours a month. For me, it would bother me more to work all week, than to stay home and make due with what we have. It definitely is taking some getting used to, though.

MC said...

You have to do what your gutt tell you to do at the moment.
You just never know what life can bring you.
I am so happy that I stay home with J for almost 1.5 year because now I do not have that option anymore.
I will never wish you what happen to me but you never know and sometimes do not expect it.
Just do it if it is what you want.

kianna said...

Your blog is great. Please don't worry that you aren't a normal mom! I didn't struugle with infertility (bless you and Cameron!) but I did have a miscarriage/still birth when i was 5 months preganant(my son jaelin) so when my 3 year old Kiarra was born I used to just freak out. Like for example when I first heard her heartbeat I sobbed and sobbed. And when she was really little i used to stand over her crib and watch her sleep and sometimes I would mess with her so she would make a noise so I would know she was still alive. She slept in my room unitl she was 18 months old.
I wish I could have stayed home with her but Im a single mom so if I don't work we will be living in a box under the freeway.
Its all good- if you didn't worry about Cam- who would?