That is the question on my mind for several issues in life right now.
First off, this blog. Do I keep updating it and writing on it? I will never take it down as it is too much of a personal history and accomplishment to not leave it up for others to see, read and take a little piece away with them. I am so torn. Torn because I don’t feel like I fit in with the regular mommies. The ones who know that everything is ok and don’t worry about their child not breathing at night or worrying that they have been swaddled too tight or funny and that their arm is broken. The IF will never go away and I think it may be haunting me more now then during pregnancy. The guilt is there and the unresolved feelings are there just bubbling away at the surface. I just don’t feel like I have an appropriate place to express them anymore.
The second is work. I am back full time this week. Not even thru the full first day yet and I am ready to go. I am not happy here career wise and it just isn’t enough for me. I am a fast worker and get my stuff done at rapid speed. Because everyone else is slow, they don’t think I can handle anymore. I ask for more stuff and it is brushed off. So I am done with asking about that. Plus I don’t make much money and about ½ of my take home pay will go to day care. But I feel bad and guilty if I don’t work. Like I am not contributing to the household income and not contributing to society as a whole.
So I guess I am just lost right now trying to find out where my piece fits in the big puzzle.