Friday, July 11, 2008

I am staying

Well on the blog anyway. So I guess my last post really peaked everyone’s interest. I guess I should say that I feel I am not a regular mom for worrying so much, but in that respect I guess I am. I feel that I worry about Cameron so much and for so many reasons, some of them weird and I think Rich sometimes think I over react so I thought I was just the odd one out. Glad to know I am in such good company. 

As for the job front, I am still struggling with that. This is the end of the first full week for me. While it hasn’t been perfect or fun at work, it hasn’t been totally horrible either. Today is really hard though because one of the girls here had a baby about two weeks before me and today is her last day. She is staying home with her little guy. Makes me very wishful.

Rich finally admitted to me what he wants me to do. I asked for his opinion, but I will make my own decision. Lord knows I don’t do well with people telling me what to do. I think in my heart I know what I want to do, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. I am hoping that Rich and I can get some uninterrupted time this weekend to really sit down and talk about everything. It has been so hard since we haven’t been home too much due to the no air conditioning. I probably won’t be making any final decisions until the end of the month. I made an appt with the therapist at the end of the month because I have a lot of feelings and issues I need to get out before I make the final decision.

One of the comments on the last post was about how natural a mother I seem to be. That has been one of the most amazing things in this process. It did come very naturally for me. I felt like I knew Cam by the time he was 5 weeks old. I was the one who knew how to comfort him and could distinguish his cries. I was the one who helped Rich to calm him down and help him understand his son. I think now I see the big picture in that respect. Pregnancy is only 9 months long, but raising a child is forever. Cam will always be my son no matter what happens to me financially, emotionally or physically. I will always be his mother and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I am certainly enjoying being a mother more than I did pregnancy. Yes, feeling him move around in me was cool, but seeing him smile at me and talk to me and hearing him try to laugh and comfort him when he is upset is way cooler than the kicks. This is what I always dreamed about was the baby part, the pregnancy was just a means to the end. I don’t think it matters how he got here anymore, he is here and in my arms. That is what really matters.


MrsSpock said...

Whatever you decide there will probably be lingering doubts and worries. I've found that's true with me. If you do end up staying at home, you'll be in good company!

Anonymous said...

Well said Jenn. Work or not, worry or not (ha! I have yet to meet a mom who doesn't), you're Cam's mom now and nothing is going to change that.