Still

I work in a building that used to be a dept store. Every year since the 1930s they put up animated scenes of elves, children and animals for all to see in the store windows. I remember coming down in 4th grade to see the windows on a class field trip. My dad volunteered to be a chaperon. My teacher was shocked my dad volunteered, this was back before the days of involved fathers being a common occurrence. She was very glad to have him around to help with the boys in the bathroom and I was so proud to hold his hand through the crowded store. I still to this day remember riding the escalator up holding his hand.

Every year we would come down to see the windows, visit Santa and get a smiley face cookie. It was a fun outing we looked forward to for weeks.

The dept store is gone and a new office building/theater is in its place. I walk through there everyday to go to work. Every year right before Thanksgiving they start putting the windows up on display. They have been saved, restored and lovingly placed right back where they were years ago.

Years ago when they first started putting them in, I would avoid them like the plague. I would walk outside, not look at them, avoided at all cost. I never stopped to look, ponder them or look at how wonderful they were to be back in their rightful place. It was too hard. Too much of a reminder of what I wanted and was not meant to be yet. If there were families there looking and gazing at the animals playing in the forest or commenting on the kids in the candy shoppe, I lost it. Many tears were shed during that walk to the garage those past holiday years.

I wondered if I would ever have a child to bring to look at the windows. Many years I often felt that there never would be. The joy of the windows would never light up my child's face.

This year I wanted to take C to see the windows. I thought he was older and would enjoy them more. So we went this past weekend. A perk to working in the building is parking underneath on the weekends so we didn't have to get out in the yucky weather. We went right up to the windows in the elevator.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize there was a performance that morning so it was crowded and there were tons of people there. C was a little nervous at first and wanted me to hold him. We looked at all the windows and walked down to see Santa. C was still apprehensive so we just waved to him from afar.

As we sat down to enjoy the live music it all hit me. We were there with our child, our son. He was there walking, looking at the windows holding my hand. C also was griping and playing with my hands with his, while I am trying not to spill all the tears I am holding back. It didn't work.

The emotions still get me when I least expect it. I was excited to show C the windows as I know he loves animals and would be intrigued by the movements of them. He growled like the bear playing peek-a-boo in the tree. He stared at the kids playing and the dog wrapped up in lights. It was fun to point them out and show him the magic. But underneath it all, the feelings still exist. The memories are still there. The pain is still raw and while it is normally covered, the cover still comes off sometimes.

So now Rich can understand and know that his wife is not totally crazy for breaking down in public and is glad he took the pictures to mark the joy and the realization that we really do have a wonderful life.

I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year.

You will have a happy and joyful life

This was my fortune at the Chinese restaurant today at lunch. Seemed to come at a good time. I am working hard on this. Starting to get some ducks in the row.

Regrets and changes

I have many regrets in my life. I regret high school and that people I thought were my very good friends weren’t at all. I regret the time wasted on them. I regret going to college at home and not getting out there as I should have. I have a boring college experience with no friends from that time. I regret changing my degree to something I will never use. I have no clue still why I did that and what I was thinking. I regret I didn’t talk to Rich enough about joining the air force. I regret buying the house we have now as I absolutely hate it and we are stuck. I regret getting all of our animals as they are all PITAs right now. I regret we are still living in Ohio. I regret that I didn’t hold and snuggle C more when he was a baby as now it hardly ever happens. I regret that I never got to enjoy being pregnant as we were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I regret that I had no support that understood where I was coming from and still don’t. I have a confession here, we never finished his room. There are still words to put on the wall and furniture and finishing touches that were never done. I regret that I am writing this from work right now.

These are just a few of the regrets I can think of right now. It seems like life is just full of regrets. I am tired of it being that way. I am tired of regrets. I need to change, make changes but I am so afraid. Changes that will drive me crazy, drive others crazy and more than likely drive some people away from me. There are hard choices to be made and they need to be made by me, for me. I need to put the past and the regrets away and move on. And for once I would like to feel and be truly happy.

Only one

The sting of IF is back and it still hurts. On Sunday we went to my aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary party. It was really great and I was excited to see relatives I haven't seen in years or had never seen (some second cousins). I knew C would have fun and be a little ham. I was right.

Then I overheard this comment more than once, this is our only grandchild. Coming from my parents who know everything that has happened it stings more. Maybe it was just a flip comment since there was a set of twins there, but it hurt. More than I let on.

So the IF scars have scabbed over but the wound still becomes fresh and picked at when you least expect it.

It has been awhile

I am here for two reasons: First today is Autumn's second birthday. I miss her like crazy and can't believe that the time is here again. Happy birthday to our sweet angel girl Autumn. I always know when my angelversaries are coming up as I get depressed, cranky, grump and subdued.

Second is I was reading the archives and was shocked that I am still battling the same questions as I have been for over a year. Things have not gotten better and my life is still full of regret. The time has come to get serious, make a decision and stick with it. No more whining, complaining or waffling.

I think the time has come for me to have a more anonymous blog. There are lots of things I would love to talk about and get out there, but I don't want to offend anyone I know in real life that I consider a friend. I have a few ideas but not for sure what to do yet.

I will never take this down as I was overcome with emotion in re-reading the archives today. I think maybe it is just time to move on. I don't really even think anyone reads this one anymore.

Conference Post

I am co-chair of the 2009 Ohio family building conference and it is coming up April 4. There is so much stuff going on with that I don't have time for anything else. If you know if anyone who has been trying to have a baby, thinking about fertility treatments or adoption please tell them about it. The website for info is www.greatlakes.resolve.org or e-mail me for info. It is going to be a great conference with lots of fantastic speakers and door prizes.

Decision made

Decision made. Notice given. Beyond pissed at my manager. Although was fun to shock the hell out of him.

Definitely the right decision was made, no doubt about it now.

I am sad to leave some of the people here, but otherwise it is for the best.

Thanks for the support!

Decision time

Old boss finally got me back. Pay is more so I can actually work less hrs for same pay as now. I can work up to FT depending on my daycare situation. And FT at their office is actually 37.5 hrs. So it is now time to hash it out.

One of the girls I used to work with told me they had a big meeting about me last night and an e-mail has been sent to everyone there saying they are hoping I will be back soon.

With C getting ready to go thru therapy this may be perfect timing. Plus a hiring freeze and no raises for anyone across the board now doesn't make me feel confident for my current employer.

I know that they are extremely family friendly and they know my history. I don't call off for no good reason.

So I have a huge decision to make soon. She wants me to call her on Friday.

The line from national lampoons when Clark is getting into the pool with Christie Brinkley keeps going thru my mind - This is crazy! This is crazy!

Still waiting

I am just waiting to see what the final word is going to be at the old place. They were discussing me coming back FT today. The girls there I don't even know are looking for PT daycare places for us.

I am so torn and don't really know what to do. I just need to wait and see.

The deal

Spoke with my old boss yesterday. Here is the run down:

PT position 3 days a week 8:30-5 M,W,F
No benefits at all - they may pay my parking
Would be more of a helper for overflow, probably not many of my own cases

I told her that my biggest obstacle is finding reliable, trusting PT daycare. We are already switching FT daycare facilites for C. That was already in the works before this popped up. So I have called around to places we toured and liked before C was born and no one takes PT before 18 months. Rich & I are not comfortable with a private sitter so we are stuck. We just don't want to take him to a complete strangers house when he is so little and can't tell us what is going on. I was honest and told her that was the deal.

So she is going to look at a possible FT position there. I am not sure I want to do that. I don't know if I want to do FT with all the problems and drama there again. One of the girls I worked with called last night and told me some of the drama that went on since it snowed so bad yesterday. I could handle PT with just being a helper and not in a main role and just doing my job with the headset on and be done.

Depending on what they offer me pay wise, we could do FT at a center until he was 18 months adn then drop him to PT and I would work PT during that transition time to 18 months. But every single penny I made would truly go to daycare. Is it worth it? I would have a guaranteed PT job once he was at the PT care age. Or do I wait until he is 18 months and ask to go PT at my current job?

I e-mailed my old boss this morning to tell her that I don't want her to make up a FT position for me if the work/room/money for it isn't there. I don't want to hurt anyone that is there now or get into a billable hrs problem again like when I left. So she is gonig to get with me next week after talking it over and looking at numbers.

So what is my gut telling me? PT I could go for and handle. I would still be making money (eventually) and getting out with adults to socialize. Plus 4 days a week with C!! I do not think I could handle FT again. I think the same old drama and crap would get me down and make myself and Rich miserable.

So now I wait and see what she brings back offer wise for PT and/or FT. Either way I still ahve a job (for now) that I am grateful for most days!

Am I crazy?

This is nuts to even put out there but here goes. My old job has contacted me and wants me to come back PT. I would be like an assistant, mostly helping out and have a few of my own cases to work. Work either every morning or 2-3 full days a week. So I am having a conference call to talk about it tomorrow. Basically the job is mine it is just working out the details.

I am so torn. Lay.offs have been mentioned/threatened for real now. I had my review yesterday and no pay raise. The big project is on semi-permanent hiatus it seems. Pressure to create more entries is rising fast and furious and we have no way to control or help it. During my review my boss didn't even fill out the normal goals/objectives paper. He is also worried I am bored.

The old job had its major drawbacks as well. Not nice bosses and crazy schedule at times. Plus there wasn't always enough for me to do. And billable hour pressure.

But working PT would be a huge plus for C. Maybe he could get a more regular nap schedule so he isn't going to bed at 6:30 every night and even earlier on weekends sometimes. And we could do fun things in the afternoons.

I just need to make a decision after talking to the old boss and deciding about daycare for C. Deciding what is best for C and for me. This is going to be hard. If he was a little bit older it would be easy daycare wise, but he isn't so now we have to weigh out what we feel is best for C. Plus I need to decide if going back is the right thing for me as well.

Motivation

Motivation came to me on Saturday in an unusual way. Our pipes froze so we had no hot water Saturday. So I said I would go to the gym and take a shower. And since I was there I decided to work out as well. I did 25 min on the exercise bike. I felt really good afterwards. Although a little lightheaded. I have got to remember to start eating before exercising. And I got a hot shower which made me feel even better. Pipes thawed by Sunday so we were ok. We do have a crack in the drain from the water softener so we need to get that looked at. I was hoping to get the outside fixed up this year but it looks like it will be the inside instead.

Yesterday was so awesome!! I got up to help Rich get C ready to go to school. Then after they left I went back to bed. I slept a couple more hours and then finished ecl.ipse. The Twil.ight series is so good. Then I went had lunch and did some shopping. I got some stuff for C (clothes for now and this spring) and a new purse, wallet and tech case for me. I spent almost all of my b-day GC and money from last year.

I went to pick C up a little early since I was over that way. He got a huge smile on his face when he heard my voice. He was "helping" Ms Katie rearrange the toys on the bottom bookshelf when I got there (He was taking all the toys out and throwing them on the floor). I went to his crib to get his car seat and coat and he turned to look for me. C bonked his head on the wood bookcase. Poor dude! He started crying really hard tears. I went and picked him up and he smiled and buried his head on me. So funny!

This morning we put him with his girlfriend and they were so happy to see each other. She had on sparkly shoes that he loved. This has been a fun.

Yesterday was so nice I even made dinner last night. I feel 1000% better today and not in nearly as bad of a mood as usual to be at work. I definitely need to pay attention and do Jenn days more often if I need to. It is better for everyone when I do.

Jumping in

I am going to do low.carb again to try and jump start the weight loss. Cut out the pop and the sweets. Oh how I love sweets though. And bread. Ugh!!! Damn you PCOS insulin-resistance!! If anyone has low.carb snacks, meal ideas let me know. I need something.

I want to lose 50 lbs this year. I have to lose 10 by the time I go back to the Dr in June. 50!!!!!!!!!!! I put it here to be accountable so everyone knows what is up. I would love a ticker but you have to put your real weight in there and I love you all, but that number is a secret. No way am I sharing that with the Internet!! I can share everything else though, sort of funny! 50 lbs would put me at my weight when we got married almost 9 yrs ago.

Monday is a holiday for me. Yeah for corporate life. So I am doing the unthinkable. C is going to daycare and I am having a Jenn day. I am sleeping in after helping get C ready for the day. I will probably have an easy lunch. Do some shopping with GC I still have from my birthday last year. Maybe go to the salon. Going to the movies with some friends from work that afternoon. Going to see Twi.light again. Then pick up C that afternoon a little early and spend some extra time with him.

I am really looking forward to this and I need it so bad, so no judging!! I know I could keep C that day and we could have fun too, but I need this break in the worst way. I feel lost and I need to do this for myself. I am very excited!! February holiday is all about a me & C day.

Reflections

I was going to do a post about my reflections on 2008 and what a year it was but I couldn't get my act together for that. Now it seems stupid to do that. Why bother?

I haven't started out 2009 with my best foot forward. I have not been a nice person to someone I love deeply and I apologize for that.

I need to loose weight and cannot get motivated to do it. Health wise it is imperative, but even that is unmotivating to me. I have no willpower and can't stay away from the good stuff. I lost 30 lbs after the 2nd mc for motivation to have a baby. Now that he is here and tangiable you would think he would be motivation to stick around to see him grow up? Not so much.

I am a big Blog reader especially IF blogs. Sometimes that is the way to fill my day since they won't let me do more stuff at work. So why is everyone going password protected all of the sudden? I hope this isn't a huge trend. I don't plan on passwording this blog. I have thought about having a more anonymous blog to write more controversial posts, but I can barely keep up with the two I have now.

I am having a moral/ethical/jealous dilemma with a girl I work with that is pregnant. We are almost long lost sisters in our similar paths of TTC/IF and recurrent loss. She is pregnant and I know more than she does about the land of IF/loss and where her current pregnancy is heading. She is so excited. So I keep encouraging her and telling her that maybe she just ovulated really late and that is why she is measuring behind! Even though if she stopped to think about it mathematically it is impossible. Ugh!!! Sometimes it sucks to know as much as I do about this crappy stuff we are dealt.

I hope everyone is doing well. I have no motivation for much right now. I need something to look forward to in the near future. My co-worker says I need a vacation because I am getting bitchy and mean at work too. I am trying to convince Rich of the same thing. We are working on it.