Struggling

Maybe it is the hormones of getting my cycle back (Shocking I know. I might actually be regular for a little while) or just being a mother, but I can’t stop thinking about Cameron. I always want to be with him. I like to change his diapers, comfort him when he is upset and play with him when he is awake. I watch the clock like crazy and am always ready to go before 5.

I think Rich said it best this morning, I am struggling. I am struggling to stay here at work and stay motivated and concentrated on it. I can’t keep my mind off what I might be missing. They said he will be rolling over soon. Am I going to miss the first one? I know they don’t tell you if it is the first one, so I always wonder if we see things first or not.

I know for now I have to stay here at work. We need to get 4 trees cut down in our backyard and the house gutters need to be replaced. Stimulus money was supposed to take care of the gutters, but the new AC unit took that and more.

We are also concerned that Cam is not looking at us very much, not even when we speak directly to him. All of the development websites say he should be doing this by now. I know that babies develop differently, but it is still concerning. Especially since everything else seems to be on track. I want him to look at us when we speak to him sometimes. He loves to look at toys, books and shadows on the wall. He is always talking to the shadows on the bedroom wall. He is extremely curious about everything around him. When we are out to eat or in a store he is very intrigued and looks around all the time. I wonder if this is a product of daycare and being left alone to entertain him self? I want him to be independent, but still need human contact and attention. I love the snuggle time when I get it.

We are going to talk to daycare tomorrow about our concerns and see what they have to tell us. Maybe he is engaging with them all day and is just tired at night. That is what I hope anyway. Plus maybe it will force them to pay attention to him a little bit more too. We would do it this after noon, but the afternoon teacher is only there from 3-6 and he is normally asleep then.

Cam sleeps the majority of the time when we are at home at night. He just isn’t taking long naps at school so he is sleeping in the evenings. I know he needs to sleep but I miss my awake and playful little guy.

I mentioned to Rich that I think the worrying is much worse now that he is out of the womb. I almost think it was easier with him on the inside. Before all we worried about was if he was growing ok, his heartbeat was ok and he was still alive. Now I still worry if he is alive, but there are tons of other worries compounded on top of that basic one. How do you do it? How do you get past all of the worry when you aren’t with them all the time? I feel like if I was with him 24/7then I would know if this was normal behavior for him because he is usually interactive during the day. But I don’t know if this is the case and have to rely on others to tell me what is normal with my son. THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!