Today is a tough day. It seems like it just comes in waves, but today is the bottom of the pit. At least that is my hope. I hope that no more bad news comes our way.
I don't really want to talk about it yet, but if you have any good thoughts or prayers to send our way it would be appreciated. Our family is hurting.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Getting older and more broken down
As the year ended, we were informed our insurance would be switching. So I decided to get some baseline bloodwork done before the small copay was replaced by our gargantution dedictible H*S*A crappy insurance. Well turns out I missed the deadline, but I digress. I got my glucose (A1C), AMH(ovarian quality/quantity), thyroid and prolactin checked. This was in preparation for trying again when we were ready. I knew that nothing woudl be covered, so I wanted to get it in under the old coverage.
The results:
A1C - 6.1 less than 7 normal
Prolactin - 7 less than 30 normal
AMH - 1.7 Normal 1.4-3.5
Thyroid - oops not enough blood
So the AMH has me worried. It is on the low end of normal. With PCOS I should be on the high end around 3. So the old eggs are looking not so fresh. Not a good sign.
The A1C is high for the Dr office so an increased dose of Metformin is in the future for that.
The thyroid I have had checked twice. THe last one was Monday and it is continuing to increase. 3.3 to 3.9 so I am now starting meds for that.
At first I was very depressed. More and more bad results piling on and me screaming into AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) is sad. But I looked at the bright side of things finally. This is very common after having your first child. It is another auto immune disease so it is just par for the course. It explains me being cold all of the sudden all of the time and me being exhausted no matter how much sleep I got. So getting an answer is a good thing.
But what does it mean for trying again? More pills, less time to try and more money thanks to crappy insurance. It means three biological kids is probably out of the question.
So that is the story for now. We shall see where this all goes.
The results:
A1C - 6.1 less than 7 normal
Prolactin - 7 less than 30 normal
AMH - 1.7 Normal 1.4-3.5
Thyroid - oops not enough blood
So the AMH has me worried. It is on the low end of normal. With PCOS I should be on the high end around 3. So the old eggs are looking not so fresh. Not a good sign.
The A1C is high for the Dr office so an increased dose of Metformin is in the future for that.
The thyroid I have had checked twice. THe last one was Monday and it is continuing to increase. 3.3 to 3.9 so I am now starting meds for that.
At first I was very depressed. More and more bad results piling on and me screaming into AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) is sad. But I looked at the bright side of things finally. This is very common after having your first child. It is another auto immune disease so it is just par for the course. It explains me being cold all of the sudden all of the time and me being exhausted no matter how much sleep I got. So getting an answer is a good thing.
But what does it mean for trying again? More pills, less time to try and more money thanks to crappy insurance. It means three biological kids is probably out of the question.
So that is the story for now. We shall see where this all goes.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Worth it?
This has been going around the blogosphere this past week and I normally read these things and move on, but I just can’t do it this time. I feel the need to weigh in.
It is no secret that I wanted to be a mother bad, so bad we were willing to do just about anything to get there. We put off fancy vacations, big purchases and a bigger house to make sure we could afford having a baby. We knew that no matter how we built our family, we wanted to have a child in our lives. We had explored adoption and were pretty serious about going down that road before the RE consult. We knew however we built our family, it was going to cost us. The truth is at the time we had no idea how much that would be.
The treatments and the losses were paid with an emotional toll like I never expected. They changed me as a person and they changed Rich & I as a couple. But they changed us both in a good way. I am a stronger person then I ever imagined. I had no idea of what I was and am capable of. Rich & I have a stronger marriage having already been through hell and made it back.
Parenting has been a struggle and a toll as well as a blessing and reward. C is the light of our life and a joy to have with us. I wouldn’t change anything about him or the struggles we had to get him here.
Yes, if I didn’t have to go down the IF road and could just look at Rich and say let’s make a baby this month and do it, I would. But I can now say I am respectful of the IF experience. It has made me a stronger person, given me life long friends who understand the struggle, given me a strong partner to go through life with and given me my precious son C.
So would I use a wish to go through it all again, absolutely. Was it worth it? To me, it most definitely was. At the time I went through it, it didn’t seem like it was, but now I can look back and say yes. And I will do it again. Maybe the path is different the second time around, as I am older and wiser as is my body and eggs, but the end result is worth the struggle. Be it IUI, IVF, adoption or just having C, the path is laid and we will follow it until our happy ending. I will be satisfied with the ending and know that the trip was worth it for the destination at the end.
It is no secret that I wanted to be a mother bad, so bad we were willing to do just about anything to get there. We put off fancy vacations, big purchases and a bigger house to make sure we could afford having a baby. We knew that no matter how we built our family, we wanted to have a child in our lives. We had explored adoption and were pretty serious about going down that road before the RE consult. We knew however we built our family, it was going to cost us. The truth is at the time we had no idea how much that would be.
The treatments and the losses were paid with an emotional toll like I never expected. They changed me as a person and they changed Rich & I as a couple. But they changed us both in a good way. I am a stronger person then I ever imagined. I had no idea of what I was and am capable of. Rich & I have a stronger marriage having already been through hell and made it back.
Parenting has been a struggle and a toll as well as a blessing and reward. C is the light of our life and a joy to have with us. I wouldn’t change anything about him or the struggles we had to get him here.
Yes, if I didn’t have to go down the IF road and could just look at Rich and say let’s make a baby this month and do it, I would. But I can now say I am respectful of the IF experience. It has made me a stronger person, given me life long friends who understand the struggle, given me a strong partner to go through life with and given me my precious son C.
So would I use a wish to go through it all again, absolutely. Was it worth it? To me, it most definitely was. At the time I went through it, it didn’t seem like it was, but now I can look back and say yes. And I will do it again. Maybe the path is different the second time around, as I am older and wiser as is my body and eggs, but the end result is worth the struggle. Be it IUI, IVF, adoption or just having C, the path is laid and we will follow it until our happy ending. I will be satisfied with the ending and know that the trip was worth it for the destination at the end.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Still
I work in a building that used to be a dept store. Every year since the 1930s they put up animated scenes of elves, children and animals for all to see in the store windows. I remember coming down in 4th grade to see the windows on a class field trip. My dad volunteered to be a chaperon. My teacher was shocked my dad volunteered, this was back before the days of involved fathers being a common occurrence. She was very glad to have him around to help with the boys in the bathroom and I was so proud to hold his hand through the crowded store. I still to this day remember riding the escalator up holding his hand.
Every year we would come down to see the windows, visit Santa and get a smiley face cookie. It was a fun outing we looked forward to for weeks.
The dept store is gone and a new office building/theater is in its place. I walk through there everyday to go to work. Every year right before Thanksgiving they start putting the windows up on display. They have been saved, restored and lovingly placed right back where they were years ago.
Years ago when they first started putting them in, I would avoid them like the plague. I would walk outside, not look at them, avoided at all cost. I never stopped to look, ponder them or look at how wonderful they were to be back in their rightful place. It was too hard. Too much of a reminder of what I wanted and was not meant to be yet. If there were families there looking and gazing at the animals playing in the forest or commenting on the kids in the candy shoppe, I lost it. Many tears were shed during that walk to the garage those past holiday years.
I wondered if I would ever have a child to bring to look at the windows. Many years I often felt that there never would be. The joy of the windows would never light up my child's face.
This year I wanted to take C to see the windows. I thought he was older and would enjoy them more. So we went this past weekend. A perk to working in the building is parking underneath on the weekends so we didn't have to get out in the yucky weather. We went right up to the windows in the elevator.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize there was a performance that morning so it was crowded and there were tons of people there. C was a little nervous at first and wanted me to hold him. We looked at all the windows and walked down to see Santa. C was still apprehensive so we just waved to him from afar.
As we sat down to enjoy the live music it all hit me. We were there with our child, our son. He was there walking, looking at the windows holding my hand. C also was griping and playing with my hands with his, while I am trying not to spill all the tears I am holding back. It didn't work.
The emotions still get me when I least expect it. I was excited to show C the windows as I know he loves animals and would be intrigued by the movements of them. He growled like the bear playing peek-a-boo in the tree. He stared at the kids playing and the dog wrapped up in lights. It was fun to point them out and show him the magic. But underneath it all, the feelings still exist. The memories are still there. The pain is still raw and while it is normally covered, the cover still comes off sometimes.
So now Rich can understand and know that his wife is not totally crazy for breaking down in public and is glad he took the pictures to mark the joy and the realization that we really do have a wonderful life.
I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year.
Every year we would come down to see the windows, visit Santa and get a smiley face cookie. It was a fun outing we looked forward to for weeks.
The dept store is gone and a new office building/theater is in its place. I walk through there everyday to go to work. Every year right before Thanksgiving they start putting the windows up on display. They have been saved, restored and lovingly placed right back where they were years ago.
Years ago when they first started putting them in, I would avoid them like the plague. I would walk outside, not look at them, avoided at all cost. I never stopped to look, ponder them or look at how wonderful they were to be back in their rightful place. It was too hard. Too much of a reminder of what I wanted and was not meant to be yet. If there were families there looking and gazing at the animals playing in the forest or commenting on the kids in the candy shoppe, I lost it. Many tears were shed during that walk to the garage those past holiday years.
I wondered if I would ever have a child to bring to look at the windows. Many years I often felt that there never would be. The joy of the windows would never light up my child's face.
This year I wanted to take C to see the windows. I thought he was older and would enjoy them more. So we went this past weekend. A perk to working in the building is parking underneath on the weekends so we didn't have to get out in the yucky weather. We went right up to the windows in the elevator.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize there was a performance that morning so it was crowded and there were tons of people there. C was a little nervous at first and wanted me to hold him. We looked at all the windows and walked down to see Santa. C was still apprehensive so we just waved to him from afar.
As we sat down to enjoy the live music it all hit me. We were there with our child, our son. He was there walking, looking at the windows holding my hand. C also was griping and playing with my hands with his, while I am trying not to spill all the tears I am holding back. It didn't work.
The emotions still get me when I least expect it. I was excited to show C the windows as I know he loves animals and would be intrigued by the movements of them. He growled like the bear playing peek-a-boo in the tree. He stared at the kids playing and the dog wrapped up in lights. It was fun to point them out and show him the magic. But underneath it all, the feelings still exist. The memories are still there. The pain is still raw and while it is normally covered, the cover still comes off sometimes.
So now Rich can understand and know that his wife is not totally crazy for breaking down in public and is glad he took the pictures to mark the joy and the realization that we really do have a wonderful life.
I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
You will have a happy and joyful life
This was my fortune at the Chinese restaurant today at lunch. Seemed to come at a good time. I am working hard on this. Starting to get some ducks in the row.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Regrets and changes
I have many regrets in my life. I regret high school and that people I thought were my very good friends weren’t at all. I regret the time wasted on them. I regret going to college at home and not getting out there as I should have. I have a boring college experience with no friends from that time. I regret changing my degree to something I will never use. I have no clue still why I did that and what I was thinking. I regret I didn’t talk to Rich enough about joining the air force. I regret buying the house we have now as I absolutely hate it and we are stuck. I regret getting all of our animals as they are all PITAs right now. I regret we are still living in Ohio. I regret that I didn’t hold and snuggle C more when he was a baby as now it hardly ever happens. I regret that I never got to enjoy being pregnant as we were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I regret that I had no support that understood where I was coming from and still don’t. I have a confession here, we never finished his room. There are still words to put on the wall and furniture and finishing touches that were never done. I regret that I am writing this from work right now.
These are just a few of the regrets I can think of right now. It seems like life is just full of regrets. I am tired of it being that way. I am tired of regrets. I need to change, make changes but I am so afraid. Changes that will drive me crazy, drive others crazy and more than likely drive some people away from me. There are hard choices to be made and they need to be made by me, for me. I need to put the past and the regrets away and move on. And for once I would like to feel and be truly happy.
These are just a few of the regrets I can think of right now. It seems like life is just full of regrets. I am tired of it being that way. I am tired of regrets. I need to change, make changes but I am so afraid. Changes that will drive me crazy, drive others crazy and more than likely drive some people away from me. There are hard choices to be made and they need to be made by me, for me. I need to put the past and the regrets away and move on. And for once I would like to feel and be truly happy.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Only one
The sting of IF is back and it still hurts. On Sunday we went to my aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary party. It was really great and I was excited to see relatives I haven't seen in years or had never seen (some second cousins). I knew C would have fun and be a little ham. I was right.
Then I overheard this comment more than once, this is our only grandchild. Coming from my parents who know everything that has happened it stings more. Maybe it was just a flip comment since there was a set of twins there, but it hurt. More than I let on.
So the IF scars have scabbed over but the wound still becomes fresh and picked at when you least expect it.
Then I overheard this comment more than once, this is our only grandchild. Coming from my parents who know everything that has happened it stings more. Maybe it was just a flip comment since there was a set of twins there, but it hurt. More than I let on.
So the IF scars have scabbed over but the wound still becomes fresh and picked at when you least expect it.
Friday, September 25, 2009
It has been awhile
I am here for two reasons: First today is Autumn's second birthday. I miss her like crazy and can't believe that the time is here again. Happy birthday to our sweet angel girl Autumn. I always know when my angelversaries are coming up as I get depressed, cranky, grump and subdued.
Second is I was reading the archives and was shocked that I am still battling the same questions as I have been for over a year. Things have not gotten better and my life is still full of regret. The time has come to get serious, make a decision and stick with it. No more whining, complaining or waffling.
I think the time has come for me to have a more anonymous blog. There are lots of things I would love to talk about and get out there, but I don't want to offend anyone I know in real life that I consider a friend. I have a few ideas but not for sure what to do yet.
I will never take this down as I was overcome with emotion in re-reading the archives today. I think maybe it is just time to move on. I don't really even think anyone reads this one anymore.
Second is I was reading the archives and was shocked that I am still battling the same questions as I have been for over a year. Things have not gotten better and my life is still full of regret. The time has come to get serious, make a decision and stick with it. No more whining, complaining or waffling.
I think the time has come for me to have a more anonymous blog. There are lots of things I would love to talk about and get out there, but I don't want to offend anyone I know in real life that I consider a friend. I have a few ideas but not for sure what to do yet.
I will never take this down as I was overcome with emotion in re-reading the archives today. I think maybe it is just time to move on. I don't really even think anyone reads this one anymore.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Conference Post
I am co-chair of the 2009 Ohio family building conference and it is coming up April 4. There is so much stuff going on with that I don't have time for anything else. If you know if anyone who has been trying to have a baby, thinking about fertility treatments or adoption please tell them about it. The website for info is www.greatlakes.resolve.org or e-mail me for info. It is going to be a great conference with lots of fantastic speakers and door prizes.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Decision made
Decision made. Notice given. Beyond pissed at my manager. Although was fun to shock the hell out of him.
Definitely the right decision was made, no doubt about it now.
I am sad to leave some of the people here, but otherwise it is for the best.
Thanks for the support!
Definitely the right decision was made, no doubt about it now.
I am sad to leave some of the people here, but otherwise it is for the best.
Thanks for the support!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Decision time
Old boss finally got me back. Pay is more so I can actually work less hrs for same pay as now. I can work up to FT depending on my daycare situation. And FT at their office is actually 37.5 hrs. So it is now time to hash it out.
One of the girls I used to work with told me they had a big meeting about me last night and an e-mail has been sent to everyone there saying they are hoping I will be back soon.
With C getting ready to go thru therapy this may be perfect timing. Plus a hiring freeze and no raises for anyone across the board now doesn't make me feel confident for my current employer.
I know that they are extremely family friendly and they know my history. I don't call off for no good reason.
So I have a huge decision to make soon. She wants me to call her on Friday.
The line from national lampoons when Clark is getting into the pool with Christie Brinkley keeps going thru my mind - This is crazy! This is crazy!
One of the girls I used to work with told me they had a big meeting about me last night and an e-mail has been sent to everyone there saying they are hoping I will be back soon.
With C getting ready to go thru therapy this may be perfect timing. Plus a hiring freeze and no raises for anyone across the board now doesn't make me feel confident for my current employer.
I know that they are extremely family friendly and they know my history. I don't call off for no good reason.
So I have a huge decision to make soon. She wants me to call her on Friday.
The line from national lampoons when Clark is getting into the pool with Christie Brinkley keeps going thru my mind - This is crazy! This is crazy!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Still waiting
I am just waiting to see what the final word is going to be at the old place. They were discussing me coming back FT today. The girls there I don't even know are looking for PT daycare places for us.
I am so torn and don't really know what to do. I just need to wait and see.
I am so torn and don't really know what to do. I just need to wait and see.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The deal
Spoke with my old boss yesterday. Here is the run down:
PT position 3 days a week 8:30-5 M,W,F
No benefits at all - they may pay my parking
Would be more of a helper for overflow, probably not many of my own cases
I told her that my biggest obstacle is finding reliable, trusting PT daycare. We are already switching FT daycare facilites for C. That was already in the works before this popped up. So I have called around to places we toured and liked before C was born and no one takes PT before 18 months. Rich & I are not comfortable with a private sitter so we are stuck. We just don't want to take him to a complete strangers house when he is so little and can't tell us what is going on. I was honest and told her that was the deal.
So she is going to look at a possible FT position there. I am not sure I want to do that. I don't know if I want to do FT with all the problems and drama there again. One of the girls I worked with called last night and told me some of the drama that went on since it snowed so bad yesterday. I could handle PT with just being a helper and not in a main role and just doing my job with the headset on and be done.
Depending on what they offer me pay wise, we could do FT at a center until he was 18 months adn then drop him to PT and I would work PT during that transition time to 18 months. But every single penny I made would truly go to daycare. Is it worth it? I would have a guaranteed PT job once he was at the PT care age. Or do I wait until he is 18 months and ask to go PT at my current job?
I e-mailed my old boss this morning to tell her that I don't want her to make up a FT position for me if the work/room/money for it isn't there. I don't want to hurt anyone that is there now or get into a billable hrs problem again like when I left. So she is gonig to get with me next week after talking it over and looking at numbers.
So what is my gut telling me? PT I could go for and handle. I would still be making money (eventually) and getting out with adults to socialize. Plus 4 days a week with C!! I do not think I could handle FT again. I think the same old drama and crap would get me down and make myself and Rich miserable.
So now I wait and see what she brings back offer wise for PT and/or FT. Either way I still ahve a job (for now) that I am grateful for most days!
PT position 3 days a week 8:30-5 M,W,F
No benefits at all - they may pay my parking
Would be more of a helper for overflow, probably not many of my own cases
I told her that my biggest obstacle is finding reliable, trusting PT daycare. We are already switching FT daycare facilites for C. That was already in the works before this popped up. So I have called around to places we toured and liked before C was born and no one takes PT before 18 months. Rich & I are not comfortable with a private sitter so we are stuck. We just don't want to take him to a complete strangers house when he is so little and can't tell us what is going on. I was honest and told her that was the deal.
So she is going to look at a possible FT position there. I am not sure I want to do that. I don't know if I want to do FT with all the problems and drama there again. One of the girls I worked with called last night and told me some of the drama that went on since it snowed so bad yesterday. I could handle PT with just being a helper and not in a main role and just doing my job with the headset on and be done.
Depending on what they offer me pay wise, we could do FT at a center until he was 18 months adn then drop him to PT and I would work PT during that transition time to 18 months. But every single penny I made would truly go to daycare. Is it worth it? I would have a guaranteed PT job once he was at the PT care age. Or do I wait until he is 18 months and ask to go PT at my current job?
I e-mailed my old boss this morning to tell her that I don't want her to make up a FT position for me if the work/room/money for it isn't there. I don't want to hurt anyone that is there now or get into a billable hrs problem again like when I left. So she is gonig to get with me next week after talking it over and looking at numbers.
So what is my gut telling me? PT I could go for and handle. I would still be making money (eventually) and getting out with adults to socialize. Plus 4 days a week with C!! I do not think I could handle FT again. I think the same old drama and crap would get me down and make myself and Rich miserable.
So now I wait and see what she brings back offer wise for PT and/or FT. Either way I still ahve a job (for now) that I am grateful for most days!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Am I crazy?
This is nuts to even put out there but here goes. My old job has contacted me and wants me to come back PT. I would be like an assistant, mostly helping out and have a few of my own cases to work. Work either every morning or 2-3 full days a week. So I am having a conference call to talk about it tomorrow. Basically the job is mine it is just working out the details.
I am so torn. Lay.offs have been mentioned/threatened for real now. I had my review yesterday and no pay raise. The big project is on semi-permanent hiatus it seems. Pressure to create more entries is rising fast and furious and we have no way to control or help it. During my review my boss didn't even fill out the normal goals/objectives paper. He is also worried I am bored.
The old job had its major drawbacks as well. Not nice bosses and crazy schedule at times. Plus there wasn't always enough for me to do. And billable hour pressure.
But working PT would be a huge plus for C. Maybe he could get a more regular nap schedule so he isn't going to bed at 6:30 every night and even earlier on weekends sometimes. And we could do fun things in the afternoons.
I just need to make a decision after talking to the old boss and deciding about daycare for C. Deciding what is best for C and for me. This is going to be hard. If he was a little bit older it would be easy daycare wise, but he isn't so now we have to weigh out what we feel is best for C. Plus I need to decide if going back is the right thing for me as well.
I am so torn. Lay.offs have been mentioned/threatened for real now. I had my review yesterday and no pay raise. The big project is on semi-permanent hiatus it seems. Pressure to create more entries is rising fast and furious and we have no way to control or help it. During my review my boss didn't even fill out the normal goals/objectives paper. He is also worried I am bored.
The old job had its major drawbacks as well. Not nice bosses and crazy schedule at times. Plus there wasn't always enough for me to do. And billable hour pressure.
But working PT would be a huge plus for C. Maybe he could get a more regular nap schedule so he isn't going to bed at 6:30 every night and even earlier on weekends sometimes. And we could do fun things in the afternoons.
I just need to make a decision after talking to the old boss and deciding about daycare for C. Deciding what is best for C and for me. This is going to be hard. If he was a little bit older it would be easy daycare wise, but he isn't so now we have to weigh out what we feel is best for C. Plus I need to decide if going back is the right thing for me as well.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Motivation
Motivation came to me on Saturday in an unusual way. Our pipes froze so we had no hot water Saturday. So I said I would go to the gym and take a shower. And since I was there I decided to work out as well. I did 25 min on the exercise bike. I felt really good afterwards. Although a little lightheaded. I have got to remember to start eating before exercising. And I got a hot shower which made me feel even better. Pipes thawed by Sunday so we were ok. We do have a crack in the drain from the water softener so we need to get that looked at. I was hoping to get the outside fixed up this year but it looks like it will be the inside instead.
Yesterday was so awesome!! I got up to help Rich get C ready to go to school. Then after they left I went back to bed. I slept a couple more hours and then finished ecl.ipse. The Twil.ight series is so good. Then I went had lunch and did some shopping. I got some stuff for C (clothes for now and this spring) and a new purse, wallet and tech case for me. I spent almost all of my b-day GC and money from last year.
I went to pick C up a little early since I was over that way. He got a huge smile on his face when he heard my voice. He was "helping" Ms Katie rearrange the toys on the bottom bookshelf when I got there (He was taking all the toys out and throwing them on the floor). I went to his crib to get his car seat and coat and he turned to look for me. C bonked his head on the wood bookcase. Poor dude! He started crying really hard tears. I went and picked him up and he smiled and buried his head on me. So funny!
This morning we put him with his girlfriend and they were so happy to see each other. She had on sparkly shoes that he loved. This has been a fun.
Yesterday was so nice I even made dinner last night. I feel 1000% better today and not in nearly as bad of a mood as usual to be at work. I definitely need to pay attention and do Jenn days more often if I need to. It is better for everyone when I do.
Yesterday was so awesome!! I got up to help Rich get C ready to go to school. Then after they left I went back to bed. I slept a couple more hours and then finished ecl.ipse. The Twil.ight series is so good. Then I went had lunch and did some shopping. I got some stuff for C (clothes for now and this spring) and a new purse, wallet and tech case for me. I spent almost all of my b-day GC and money from last year.
I went to pick C up a little early since I was over that way. He got a huge smile on his face when he heard my voice. He was "helping" Ms Katie rearrange the toys on the bottom bookshelf when I got there (He was taking all the toys out and throwing them on the floor). I went to his crib to get his car seat and coat and he turned to look for me. C bonked his head on the wood bookcase. Poor dude! He started crying really hard tears. I went and picked him up and he smiled and buried his head on me. So funny!
This morning we put him with his girlfriend and they were so happy to see each other. She had on sparkly shoes that he loved. This has been a fun.
Yesterday was so nice I even made dinner last night. I feel 1000% better today and not in nearly as bad of a mood as usual to be at work. I definitely need to pay attention and do Jenn days more often if I need to. It is better for everyone when I do.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Jumping in
I am going to do low.carb again to try and jump start the weight loss. Cut out the pop and the sweets. Oh how I love sweets though. And bread. Ugh!!! Damn you PCOS insulin-resistance!! If anyone has low.carb snacks, meal ideas let me know. I need something.
I want to lose 50 lbs this year. I have to lose 10 by the time I go back to the Dr in June. 50!!!!!!!!!!! I put it here to be accountable so everyone knows what is up. I would love a ticker but you have to put your real weight in there and I love you all, but that number is a secret. No way am I sharing that with the Internet!! I can share everything else though, sort of funny! 50 lbs would put me at my weight when we got married almost 9 yrs ago.
Monday is a holiday for me. Yeah for corporate life. So I am doing the unthinkable. C is going to daycare and I am having a Jenn day. I am sleeping in after helping get C ready for the day. I will probably have an easy lunch. Do some shopping with GC I still have from my birthday last year. Maybe go to the salon. Going to the movies with some friends from work that afternoon. Going to see Twi.light again. Then pick up C that afternoon a little early and spend some extra time with him.
I am really looking forward to this and I need it so bad, so no judging!! I know I could keep C that day and we could have fun too, but I need this break in the worst way. I feel lost and I need to do this for myself. I am very excited!! February holiday is all about a me & C day.
I want to lose 50 lbs this year. I have to lose 10 by the time I go back to the Dr in June. 50!!!!!!!!!!! I put it here to be accountable so everyone knows what is up. I would love a ticker but you have to put your real weight in there and I love you all, but that number is a secret. No way am I sharing that with the Internet!! I can share everything else though, sort of funny! 50 lbs would put me at my weight when we got married almost 9 yrs ago.
Monday is a holiday for me. Yeah for corporate life. So I am doing the unthinkable. C is going to daycare and I am having a Jenn day. I am sleeping in after helping get C ready for the day. I will probably have an easy lunch. Do some shopping with GC I still have from my birthday last year. Maybe go to the salon. Going to the movies with some friends from work that afternoon. Going to see Twi.light again. Then pick up C that afternoon a little early and spend some extra time with him.
I am really looking forward to this and I need it so bad, so no judging!! I know I could keep C that day and we could have fun too, but I need this break in the worst way. I feel lost and I need to do this for myself. I am very excited!! February holiday is all about a me & C day.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Reflections
I was going to do a post about my reflections on 2008 and what a year it was but I couldn't get my act together for that. Now it seems stupid to do that. Why bother?
I haven't started out 2009 with my best foot forward. I have not been a nice person to someone I love deeply and I apologize for that.
I need to loose weight and cannot get motivated to do it. Health wise it is imperative, but even that is unmotivating to me. I have no willpower and can't stay away from the good stuff. I lost 30 lbs after the 2nd mc for motivation to have a baby. Now that he is here and tangiable you would think he would be motivation to stick around to see him grow up? Not so much.
I am a big Blog reader especially IF blogs. Sometimes that is the way to fill my day since they won't let me do more stuff at work. So why is everyone going password protected all of the sudden? I hope this isn't a huge trend. I don't plan on passwording this blog. I have thought about having a more anonymous blog to write more controversial posts, but I can barely keep up with the two I have now.
I am having a moral/ethical/jealous dilemma with a girl I work with that is pregnant. We are almost long lost sisters in our similar paths of TTC/IF and recurrent loss. She is pregnant and I know more than she does about the land of IF/loss and where her current pregnancy is heading. She is so excited. So I keep encouraging her and telling her that maybe she just ovulated really late and that is why she is measuring behind! Even though if she stopped to think about it mathematically it is impossible. Ugh!!! Sometimes it sucks to know as much as I do about this crappy stuff we are dealt.
I hope everyone is doing well. I have no motivation for much right now. I need something to look forward to in the near future. My co-worker says I need a vacation because I am getting bitchy and mean at work too. I am trying to convince Rich of the same thing. We are working on it.
I haven't started out 2009 with my best foot forward. I have not been a nice person to someone I love deeply and I apologize for that.
I need to loose weight and cannot get motivated to do it. Health wise it is imperative, but even that is unmotivating to me. I have no willpower and can't stay away from the good stuff. I lost 30 lbs after the 2nd mc for motivation to have a baby. Now that he is here and tangiable you would think he would be motivation to stick around to see him grow up? Not so much.
I am a big Blog reader especially IF blogs. Sometimes that is the way to fill my day since they won't let me do more stuff at work. So why is everyone going password protected all of the sudden? I hope this isn't a huge trend. I don't plan on passwording this blog. I have thought about having a more anonymous blog to write more controversial posts, but I can barely keep up with the two I have now.
I am having a moral/ethical/jealous dilemma with a girl I work with that is pregnant. We are almost long lost sisters in our similar paths of TTC/IF and recurrent loss. She is pregnant and I know more than she does about the land of IF/loss and where her current pregnancy is heading. She is so excited. So I keep encouraging her and telling her that maybe she just ovulated really late and that is why she is measuring behind! Even though if she stopped to think about it mathematically it is impossible. Ugh!!! Sometimes it sucks to know as much as I do about this crappy stuff we are dealt.
I hope everyone is doing well. I have no motivation for much right now. I need something to look forward to in the near future. My co-worker says I need a vacation because I am getting bitchy and mean at work too. I am trying to convince Rich of the same thing. We are working on it.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
It's over
The holiday that is. I am so grateful that it is done. I was reading all of these blogs about how great their holidays were and how wonderful it was to see family. Hahaha!! I am going to tell the truth. My holidays blew!!! It was horrible, stressful and no fun. C was cutting his two front teeth so he was cranky and not wanting to be anywhere but home. It is hard to take a baby who is wanting to crawl everywhere and get into everything to people's houses that are not baby proofed. Plus having to drag the packnplay everywhere and all the other baby stuff was crazy.
Christmas eve was the best of the days. C was good slept in the pnp in the basement but he was away from all the noise and commotion so he did well. He looked so cute and peaceful sleeping.
Christmas day I thought it would be a good idea to have all the grandparents over for an open house to see C. We don't have to get dressed, leave or do anything that day. Well wouldn't you know they all showed up at the same time in our tiny house? It seemed like a good idea at the time but it was not. We will not be doing that next year.
The Saturday after Christmas was a nightmare. C slept maybe 45 min the whole day. It was too loud and too crazy for him. There was no place to crawl around at one house and then with his baby cousin there it was even worse. They commandeered the crib, high chair and other baby items. Pissed me off at the end. There are other babies here now!!!
Every year we play games at Rich's dad's house. Every year it is a nightmare. I will never play again. Too many sore losers and rule sticklers. Everyone gets a gift so who gives a fuck? We left while they were still playing. I had had enough and put my foot down.
C got in the car after we finally left and he started chatting and talking in such a cute and clam way. No more crying and fighting us. I think he knew what was going on and knew it was not the place for us.
We both got a bunch of crap we don't want or need. Next year I am telling them no gifts. Donate to a charity in my name if you must do something. We got more freaking movie GC. We have some from two years ago still. I finally gave some of them away so someone will use them. We do not see movies. Even before we had C, we didn't really go much because Rich is not a movie person. Never has been, never will be.
Some snide comments were made about daycare centers. I let that one go for the most part. At least my kid isn't watch TV every morning and exposed to chicken pox before he can get the vaccine. Yes my BIL got a call that a kid that their sitter watches has the chicken pox. Crazy!!
C wasn't allowed to play with his cousin much. Evidently we have too many germs or aren't good enough for them. Whatever!!
The thing that made me most mad is the comments made because C sleeps thru the night. I am well aware of the fact we are extremely lucky. C goes down around 6:30-7:00 every night and wakes up around 6:30 am. He hasn't been up at night since he got sick in July. I tell everyone I know we are very lucky that he is like this. I can't help that your child still gets up in the night. Maybe he takes after his mom because she can't sit still. She always has to be doing something. C takes after me. I love to sleep and so does he and he is cranky without enough. So stop making comments about C going right back to sleep at home and not waking us up. Stop feeding your kid junk and snacks 24/7 that are for toddlers. He is a baby, maybe treat him like one? She is the one that kept pushing him to grow up so fast. There you go.
Next year we need to have better communication between Rich and I. He was less than helpful with C and I was left to do more than my fair share. Of course he needs to eat, but when brunch sucked and there was not much I liked I am going to need to eat soon too. We have already talked about this so he knows the deal.
Also next year we have decided we are starting a new tradition. We are going away between Christmas and New Years. We are going someplace with a cabin, snow and have fun with the three of us. No shuffling around between houses and we can do our holiday get togethers before Christmas or after new years and spread them out. Rich & I neither one enjoy this time of year and it is time to change it. Start our own new, fun traditions.
So anyway, I truly hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday and a fantastic new year. 2008 has been the best year ever for us!!!!!!
Christmas eve was the best of the days. C was good slept in the pnp in the basement but he was away from all the noise and commotion so he did well. He looked so cute and peaceful sleeping.
Christmas day I thought it would be a good idea to have all the grandparents over for an open house to see C. We don't have to get dressed, leave or do anything that day. Well wouldn't you know they all showed up at the same time in our tiny house? It seemed like a good idea at the time but it was not. We will not be doing that next year.
The Saturday after Christmas was a nightmare. C slept maybe 45 min the whole day. It was too loud and too crazy for him. There was no place to crawl around at one house and then with his baby cousin there it was even worse. They commandeered the crib, high chair and other baby items. Pissed me off at the end. There are other babies here now!!!
Every year we play games at Rich's dad's house. Every year it is a nightmare. I will never play again. Too many sore losers and rule sticklers. Everyone gets a gift so who gives a fuck? We left while they were still playing. I had had enough and put my foot down.
C got in the car after we finally left and he started chatting and talking in such a cute and clam way. No more crying and fighting us. I think he knew what was going on and knew it was not the place for us.
We both got a bunch of crap we don't want or need. Next year I am telling them no gifts. Donate to a charity in my name if you must do something. We got more freaking movie GC. We have some from two years ago still. I finally gave some of them away so someone will use them. We do not see movies. Even before we had C, we didn't really go much because Rich is not a movie person. Never has been, never will be.
Some snide comments were made about daycare centers. I let that one go for the most part. At least my kid isn't watch TV every morning and exposed to chicken pox before he can get the vaccine. Yes my BIL got a call that a kid that their sitter watches has the chicken pox. Crazy!!
C wasn't allowed to play with his cousin much. Evidently we have too many germs or aren't good enough for them. Whatever!!
The thing that made me most mad is the comments made because C sleeps thru the night. I am well aware of the fact we are extremely lucky. C goes down around 6:30-7:00 every night and wakes up around 6:30 am. He hasn't been up at night since he got sick in July. I tell everyone I know we are very lucky that he is like this. I can't help that your child still gets up in the night. Maybe he takes after his mom because she can't sit still. She always has to be doing something. C takes after me. I love to sleep and so does he and he is cranky without enough. So stop making comments about C going right back to sleep at home and not waking us up. Stop feeding your kid junk and snacks 24/7 that are for toddlers. He is a baby, maybe treat him like one? She is the one that kept pushing him to grow up so fast. There you go.
Next year we need to have better communication between Rich and I. He was less than helpful with C and I was left to do more than my fair share. Of course he needs to eat, but when brunch sucked and there was not much I liked I am going to need to eat soon too. We have already talked about this so he knows the deal.
Also next year we have decided we are starting a new tradition. We are going away between Christmas and New Years. We are going someplace with a cabin, snow and have fun with the three of us. No shuffling around between houses and we can do our holiday get togethers before Christmas or after new years and spread them out. Rich & I neither one enjoy this time of year and it is time to change it. Start our own new, fun traditions.
So anyway, I truly hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday and a fantastic new year. 2008 has been the best year ever for us!!!!!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Better Days
Things are better right now. C is sleeping better at daycare the past couple days so he has been in a better mood at night. He has 4 teeth working on coming thru and just last night started doing the army crawl everywhere.
I went out with a wonderful friend last night for dinner and that improved my mood tremendously. I think maybe I needed some "me" time.
Working on the work situation. Have some ideas in mind and hoping one of them comes to head. I may have a better idea after tomorrow.
Christmas is just crap. So unsure what we are going to do. As of right now I don't want to do anything with any family.
I am super pissed at my parents for taking C to see Santa (for the first time)at a local farm/restaurant while they were there eating. I have to deal with that soon as at the time I was too shocked to say anything.
I am going to see the therapist tomorrow and will unload on her. I am so glad she convinced me to make appts every 3 weeks over the holidays. I thought I wouldn't need them, LOL!
I went out with a wonderful friend last night for dinner and that improved my mood tremendously. I think maybe I needed some "me" time.
Working on the work situation. Have some ideas in mind and hoping one of them comes to head. I may have a better idea after tomorrow.
Christmas is just crap. So unsure what we are going to do. As of right now I don't want to do anything with any family.
I am super pissed at my parents for taking C to see Santa (for the first time)at a local farm/restaurant while they were there eating. I have to deal with that soon as at the time I was too shocked to say anything.
I am going to see the therapist tomorrow and will unload on her. I am so glad she convinced me to make appts every 3 weeks over the holidays. I thought I wouldn't need them, LOL!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Hard Times
This is a depressing post so skip it if you are in a good mood or don't want to listen to me complain.
I don't know if it is the weather, the holidays or what but I am seriously in a funk. I am so blah and unmotivated to do anything. Work is just going along, our project got defeated so I am back to bored. Our families are fighting with us and throwing guilt trips about the holidays. I am feeling very anti-social lately. I don't want to go to any of the holiday obligations and parties. I got a migraine again before my work holiday party. Being a working mother and motherhood in general sucks right now. I hope that things look up and change after the holidays are over.
The families fighting over time for the holidays has me really angry, stressed and sad. We had it all planned out and now we are expected to go to one more place. So we have solved the problem for the next year and beyond. We are leaving town on Christmas Day. We figure there won't be much traffic on the actual day in the afternoon/evening. We will find someplace to stay until the new year. We don't even care where, we just need to have a fun time for Christmas for once. This is a major problem with having all our family close and they don't want to spread it out. They all expect it to be within the few days we have off and it is too much, especially with a little one. C didn't nap at all on Thanksgiving because of all the noise and people at both houses we went to and we paid for it on Friday. They don't understand or care about this. They just want to see C. I understand that, but that is why we made our house open on Christmas Day so they can stop over whenever they would like. We can keep C's schedule and they can see him on Christmas Day. They still expect us to travel around even with our little baby.
This has made me blue, depressed and short tempered. Rich & I are arguing more and I am short on patience with C. He is paying for my bad moods in that I am disinterested in him. C is whiny and cranky all the time right now. He is frustrated because he can't get to stuff that he wants. He is starting to do a slow army crawl but he wants so much stuff and can't get to it or he isn't allowed to have it. He is also teething with 4 teeth visible which adds to the crank. I do not want to be with him or spend time with him right now. He is not napping at daycare, going to bed as soon as we get home and then gets mad because we have to wake him up to eat dinner. He is getting up really early and I am so not a morning person. It is so trying.
I feel like a horrible mother because I am just not wanting to be with C right now at all. I do not feel like doing things with him and everything seems to be a battle right now. Diaper changes, playing, going in the car, going to bed are all battles. Everyday all the time we are with him he is whining or crying. I hope this phase goes by soon.
Daycare is annoying the crap out of me. I am so aggravated with them and their "opinions" on what is best for C. They have cornered us a few times on things we are doing that they don't like. They are badgering us about feeding him more often. He is still a baby, not even 8 months old yet. We think they want to stuff him full so he will leave them alone. I think he wants more interaction time and they can't give it to him. Two new babies will be coming in before the end of the year because one boy is leaving for the next room and another is being forced out. I know that C will not be ready for the next room at 10 months. One of the boys is ready for sure, he is almost walking. The other is not doing that, is barely crawling and is very needy. I think we may look at our options after the first of the year. Start looking at other daycare centers or sitters.
Rich really wants me to stay home and we have talked about this possibility before. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can tolerate the whining, crying and bad days all day. I don't know if it is a good thing for either of us for me to stay at home.
I have cut down on the caffeine for the migraines and I am exhausted all the time. I do not want to be social and I want to stay by myself in my cube and my house. I am not a fun person to be around right now so my apologies if you have to be around me. This is just me right now. I am no fun.
I don't know if it is the weather, the holidays or what but I am seriously in a funk. I am so blah and unmotivated to do anything. Work is just going along, our project got defeated so I am back to bored. Our families are fighting with us and throwing guilt trips about the holidays. I am feeling very anti-social lately. I don't want to go to any of the holiday obligations and parties. I got a migraine again before my work holiday party. Being a working mother and motherhood in general sucks right now. I hope that things look up and change after the holidays are over.
The families fighting over time for the holidays has me really angry, stressed and sad. We had it all planned out and now we are expected to go to one more place. So we have solved the problem for the next year and beyond. We are leaving town on Christmas Day. We figure there won't be much traffic on the actual day in the afternoon/evening. We will find someplace to stay until the new year. We don't even care where, we just need to have a fun time for Christmas for once. This is a major problem with having all our family close and they don't want to spread it out. They all expect it to be within the few days we have off and it is too much, especially with a little one. C didn't nap at all on Thanksgiving because of all the noise and people at both houses we went to and we paid for it on Friday. They don't understand or care about this. They just want to see C. I understand that, but that is why we made our house open on Christmas Day so they can stop over whenever they would like. We can keep C's schedule and they can see him on Christmas Day. They still expect us to travel around even with our little baby.
This has made me blue, depressed and short tempered. Rich & I are arguing more and I am short on patience with C. He is paying for my bad moods in that I am disinterested in him. C is whiny and cranky all the time right now. He is frustrated because he can't get to stuff that he wants. He is starting to do a slow army crawl but he wants so much stuff and can't get to it or he isn't allowed to have it. He is also teething with 4 teeth visible which adds to the crank. I do not want to be with him or spend time with him right now. He is not napping at daycare, going to bed as soon as we get home and then gets mad because we have to wake him up to eat dinner. He is getting up really early and I am so not a morning person. It is so trying.
I feel like a horrible mother because I am just not wanting to be with C right now at all. I do not feel like doing things with him and everything seems to be a battle right now. Diaper changes, playing, going in the car, going to bed are all battles. Everyday all the time we are with him he is whining or crying. I hope this phase goes by soon.
Daycare is annoying the crap out of me. I am so aggravated with them and their "opinions" on what is best for C. They have cornered us a few times on things we are doing that they don't like. They are badgering us about feeding him more often. He is still a baby, not even 8 months old yet. We think they want to stuff him full so he will leave them alone. I think he wants more interaction time and they can't give it to him. Two new babies will be coming in before the end of the year because one boy is leaving for the next room and another is being forced out. I know that C will not be ready for the next room at 10 months. One of the boys is ready for sure, he is almost walking. The other is not doing that, is barely crawling and is very needy. I think we may look at our options after the first of the year. Start looking at other daycare centers or sitters.
Rich really wants me to stay home and we have talked about this possibility before. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can tolerate the whining, crying and bad days all day. I don't know if it is a good thing for either of us for me to stay at home.
I have cut down on the caffeine for the migraines and I am exhausted all the time. I do not want to be social and I want to stay by myself in my cube and my house. I am not a fun person to be around right now so my apologies if you have to be around me. This is just me right now. I am no fun.
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