Friday, December 21, 2007

Almost 2 years ago

It is so hard to believe it is this time of year again. Almost 2 years ago I had my first D&C and we lost BB. Then 1 yr ago we started on the cycle that we conceived Autumn. It hasn’t even been a year since I lost her. It is unreal that those angels moved into our lives and touched us like we could never imagine. I still think about them often, especially this time of year. Also whenever I see a child that age, it tears me up a little inside.

I am sure many people would think that I should be happy & let them go. I am 24 weeks pregnant with a viable, lively little boy who will be here in April. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy to have him in my life and my belly. But the loss of our angels doesn’t go away. The pain may subside and I may not think of them as often, but they will never be far from my heart or memory.

I have read stories of women who still have pain and sadness 20-30 years after a miscarriage. It really never does go away. I plan to tell Cletus about BB & Autumn when he is older. I want to be honest with him and tell him about the other two and what happened with us. Why we are older then the rest of his classmates’ parents. (UGH!!!) I want to be more honest with him in every way then I feel my parents were with me. I just recently found out that my parents were on the way to an adoption seminar when they found out they were pregnant with me!!!

Unfortunately due to the double family Christmas tomorrow, we won’t make it to the angel statute. Hopefully we will soon after though.

I think that this time of year and remembering BB is why I have been a crab and so emotional this week. I also have to go to the hospital to get my Hep.arin today which is bothering me as well. Same hospital and entrance as both D&Cs. In the back of my mind and on my calendar the reminder of BB is there. Still raw & real, but a little less painful this year.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you Jenn. You've been through so much. I just cannot wait to hear all about Cletus when you finally get to meet him :)