For Autumn

Today is a sad day for us. This is Autumn’s due date. It’s hard to imagine that it has been nine months since she was conceived. It has been a long & crazy 9 months. Surgeries, depression, craziness & another pregnancy has all happened in that time. It seems so short when you think about it, but it seems so long to us that have lived it. It is crazy to think that we should be having or have had a daughter by now. I miss her tons and think about what would be different if she was here.

We went to the Angel Statute Memorial again this past Sunday. I was so surprised & glad to see the teddy bears we left in July for BB & Autumn still there. I just figured every so often someone came along & cleaned it up. Threw them out. But they were still there. They didn’t look too bad either for being out in the weather. We took another one down just for Autumn this time. It is so emotional to go, but I am so glad we do. There really isn’t anywhere else to go to remember our angels like that. It is very private and the flowers were blooming this time. Unfortunately so were the bees. I always forget to take tissue too. I need to remember that next time. I have never seen anyone else there, but I know they come because of the new flowers or stuffed animals each time. That part is a little sad. They have bricks around the memorial with some names carved in them. I think I may see what you need to do & the cost to get a couple bricks for us.

I think I am feeling a little guilty this time. I don’t think I have been feeling as sad or as bad as I have before. I think that I have been concentrating on Cletus and not really focusing on Autumn and her due date. I knew it was coming up, but it wasn’t all consuming like it usually is. I guess I need to think of the future, but still remember and honor the past.

It is still so abstract to me that we know that this baby was a girl. And we have a real name for her. I miss my baby girl so bad inside it hurts. It tears me up! But she did help us to figure out what went wrong & how to fix it. For that I am thankful so we don’t have to go thru that again hopefully.

So today is Autumn’s day & it is all about her. I really wish she was here with us or on her way, but I am so thankful for the time we did have. I am so glad we named her & gave her the respect she deserves. We love her & miss her always!