Friday, September 21, 2007

The One That May Cause Problems

Well I think it’s time for a big post from me. This is just a reminder that this is my space to let it all out. Please don't be offended about anything in here. I wrote this on Friday and I don't even know if I should post it, but I am going to anyway.

This pregnancy has just been crazy to me. I can’t even believe I am 11 weeks today. Almost the end of the first trimester. Everything looks great so I shouldn’t be worried at all right? I should just get over it & be happy.

Nothing is further from the truth. Pregnancy after IF and/or loss is hard. Harder than I could have imagined. I have moments of fun & enjoyment, but most of the time there is fear in the back of my head & heart. Fear of loosing, fear of something or anything going wrong. Fear of never having a baby. Every cramp, twinge or good day is over-analyzed. My poor chest has been widely abused, especially today since my soreness seems to be going down. I am hoping it is just the hormones leveling out, but in the back of my head I think the worst. I am afraid this will never go away. I still spot check every single time I use the bathroom. I am not kidding about this. I am obsessed.

The therapist said that this is normal. I am living in the present and that is all I can do for now. People ask me about finding out the sex & the due date & stuff in the future and sometimes I want to scream at them, Are you kidding me?!?!?!??!? I am just trying to make it thru the day. I can’t think about decorating the nursery yet. I am nice & polite and make the conversation, but inside I am screaming. This is not a sure thing yet. I am not going to be ok with this until I have the baby. We have been thru the ringer & we aren’t thru yet.

The biggest hurdle I am having now is maternity clothes. I am going to get to the point in the next few weeks where these are going to be a necessity. I have some already from the first pregnancy & just bought some more with a gift card. They are still in the big tub or bag I stored them in. I cannot bring myself to wear them. It is like this fear that if I accept this pregnancy & wear the clothes that something bad is going to happen. I need new bras so bad & I cannot bring myself to buy them either.

Finding support from people who truly understand the situation is hard. My friends are really great, but sometimes you just have a need for people who have been down this road before. I belonged to a local IF group here & I have made some fantastic friends who have truly helped me thru some of the bad & good times I have been thru. I say belonged because once you get pregnant you are no longer truly welcome. Just when I need support more than ever I am turned away. I am wished well & left to fend for myself. This was very hard to overcome as well. I was one of the original group members & now have no where else to go.

I wear a red string bracelet on my right arm that some of you in real life may have noticed. The banner is also on this blog. It is for IF awareness. It helps other women out there know that I am in the boat with them if they need support. My father-in-law knows what this bracelet means. After we told them about Cletus, he said something about he didn’t guess we were pregnant because I was still wearing the bracelet. IF DOES NOT GO AWAY BY GETTING PREGNANT!!!!! The IF stays with you for a lifetime. Cletus was not conceived like normal & someday we may have to explain that to him/her. We are no longer hiding the fact that this wasn’t easy for us. We are telling the truth loud & proud. I am no longer embarrassed by what happened to us. As a matter of fact, I have probably helped some women find a wonderful Dr or just help them figure out problems they may have. That makes me feel great!! I love helping others.

IF and Loss with pregnancy do not go away. They may fade a little bit with each u/s and great Dr visit, but it never completely leaves any of us. The hurt is always with you in your heart and mind.


MrsSpock said...

Hey, I am right there with you...still googling "chance of miscarriage after heartbeat detected" and cruising loss blogs for's rather hard to trust a body that has failed you time and time again...if I find the magic formula, I'll let you know, but I wouldn't be holding my breath. :)Uncontrollable fear seems to come with the territory...

Julie and Greg said...

Ok now I am in tears! I was telling Greg tonight that I feel out of place here, I want to come back to be around you and Devon, those who understand me. I hope you know that I am still here for you and I need you also!

Anonymous said...

One day at a time!!! I still feel that way sometimes at 24wks! It does get fewer and farther between but it is still there. The in the back of your mind what ifs? Is this real for me or just everyone else? One night I played that song by Faith Hill "Firefly" 10x I said I am not turning this off till I believe in this for me!!! I would not recommend it! In the mean time grab on to everyones blind faith.