Monday, June 18, 2007

Background - Conclusion

Ok, just so everyone knows, Rich is banned from anymore posts because he made me cry reading our own blog :-) He doesn’t share his feeling easily & I was not aware of all of those thoughts. Obviously I am well aware of the engineer mentality as many of you are. This is hard on the guys too because they also have to help us emotional basket cases while trying to process their own fears & feelings. Thank you Rich:-)

So this is the conclusion of the story thus far. This has been by far the hardest part to write as it is something I still think about quite often. This was also the hardest part of the story to live through. Live through isn’t even really the right way to put it. I think survive is a better way to describe the past 5 months. It has been an emotional hell I have had to survive & work through.
February 20, 2007 was D&C day. Once again I was at the outpatient surgical wing of the same hospital. My surgery was set for 12:30 pm. No eating after midnight the night before. I thought I would be ok, since I don’t normally eat breakfast anyway, but when you have to sit & wait right next to the restaurant it is not as easy. They also give you a pager like at a restaurant that goes off when they are ready for you. I told everyone that I wished a table to eat at was waiting at the end of it. To make matters worse, everyone was delivering girl scout cookies to other people. I also got to see them bring the new mothers formula gift bags through. I was so antsy that day in the waiting room. I am sure I drove Rich & my parents crazy. They probably wish they could have taken me back & given me some sedatives earlier. They were nice enough not to eat in front of me though. I probably would have taken off their arms if they did.

They finally called me back & I had to do all the normal pre-surgery stuff. Both times I get emotional & they have Rich come back early. The nurses are always so nice though. This time it was the "this isn’t you first D&C" statement that got me. I just get a little teary eyed & emotional. Rich stayed with me thru everything, even putting the IV in which hurt like hell. They were running behind that day due to another surgery that took longer so it was a while to wait. It is so hard to wait for them to take away something you are longing for so much. Eventually my time came up & Dr. B came down to talk to us before hand. He was very nice & asked if we had any questions, then he left to go get ready.

This is the part that is so hard for me to write, but is so vivid in my mind & probably will be until the day I die. The wheeled me down the hallway into the OR. It is always so cold in there, so they gave em a couple more warm blankets. They strapped me onto the OR table & I was joking with them that I didn’t know I was going on a ride that day. I joke when I am nervous or scared. As I am laying there & ready for the surgery, they tell me there is an emergency in pathology & the anesthesiologist is there. So we are just waiting for him to show up to get started. Then it all hits me. So far I have held it together for 4 days, not really broken down at all, went to 2 birthday dinners & a hockey game without really accepting this. I think I was in shock & denial. I start tearing up a little. The nurse tells me it is ok & the anesthesiologist will be there soon. She dries the few tears for me. Then I just lay there & think of what should have been & that I shouldn’t be there again & the flood gates open. I am sobbing almost hysterically. I apologized to the nurse, but I can’t stop crying. She is holding my hand now & telling me it is ok. She says this is hard. Then Dr. B comes over and holds my other hand. He tells me it is ok to let it all out. Don’t keep it bottled up. I cannot stop crying now & am so thankful that they were there for me. The anesthesiologist finally arrives & apologizes to me for taking so long. He tells me he has all of these things to make me feel better in his pocket. At this point I am on oxygen due to the hysterical crying & I fall asleep. Next thing I know I wake up in recovery asking questions. Luckily I come out of anesthesia very quickly.

Dr. B went to talk to Rich. He told on me about the crying on the OR table. He said that he was sending the tissue off for testing. He also told Rich he really wanted to help us get pregnant & deliver a baby. I have no doubt in my mind after his compassion for caring for both of us after this miscarriage that we made the right decision for our RE. I went home soon after. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was spiraling down deep into depression.

At my post-op appointment we met with Dr. B. He was very nice again & said that I needed to take my time & that they were there whenever we were ready to try again. I decided to be honest & tell him that I needed help. I came back to work & I can honestly say that the first week I don’t think I did much but research all the scenarios. I told him I didn’t care about anything; work, house, myself. I got up to go to work every morning & then came home to put on comfy clothes & sit in front of the TV all night. I didn’t want to go out socially or even to the grocery or shopping. I couldn’t stop thinking about this angel that I lost & what I did wrong. He gave me some counselors names & a medical "crutch" to get me through this time. The counselor & the crutch I believe saved me from a deep, longer depression. This was the lowest point in my life so far & I need lots of help to get out of it. I am just so glad I was smart & strong enough to ask for it this time.


Rich said...

I'm curious, if your surgery is at say 8:00AM, they tell you not to eat after midnight and if your surgery is at 11:00AM, they tell you not to eat after midnight. Something doesn't add up, and I want to know why if I am having surgery at 11:00 I can't stay up until 3:00 for my last meal. I don't do well when I am hungry.

MrsSpock said...

We actually do let people get by with that at times. Usually it's a 6 to 8 hour window. If I have a patient scheduled for a test in the late afternoon, we usually give them a clear liquid diet for breakfast. It also depends on the anesthesiologist- some want your stomach to be empty for the longest amount of time...

I too started spiraling down last fall when I was working in labor and delivery. Not a great place to work for an infertile! My leaving that job on the advice of a counselor was the best thing I ever did!