Tuesday, June 19, 2007

LEEP of faith

That last post was so hard for me to put out there. It was a hard decision to figure out if we would tell everyone what we named our daughter. But I finally figured that I put everything else out there, why not the name too. Rich came up with the name when he didn’t even really believe in it. It just fit & we have never looked back since.

Well me being the brilliant person that I am decided to have my annual fun appt done less than 2 wks after the D&C. I was over due, so I figured why not. I had stopped bleeding, or so I thought at the time. I had my annual scheduled for January, but since I had one last pregnancy & that went bad I decided not to have one again. So there were able to get me in quickly. The nurse was so nice, she was worried when it wasn’t an OB appt. They knew I was pregnant. The most fun part was waiting for the Dr. In the room next to me was a 16 yr old girl w/ her mom. They took us back together. I got to hear her babies heartbeat thru the paper thin walls. Well that was all it took to let the flood gates go again. Dr. T has been a pretty good doctor up to this point, but he started getting on my nerves at this appt. He kept telling me I was still young & it would happen for me. You now what? That is not something you want to hear less than 2 wks after a loss. Actually you never want to hear it, but especially not from the Dr. He knows everything we have been thru. He acted upset that Dr. B was doing testing. I just wanted out of there so I was like ok, ok, let me out of here.

Fast forward 3 weeks later. I get a call from the nurse. I know that can’t be good. They never call unless there is a problem. She tells me I had an abnormal PAP with AGUS cells. Dr. T wants to do a colposcopy. Of course, as usual I go into research mode. And you know what I find, cervical cancer. I have to call Rich & tell him. Now I hardly ever call him from work so the past few times have all been bad news. I think he now dreads me calling him from work. So of course I freak out & cry. Rich is stunned & by the end of the short conversation, I am reassuring him that everything is ok. Something in my gut tells me it is because of the miscarriage & it was just too soon. But I agree to the colposcopy. 2 weeks later I have that & the biopsy is done at the same time. Dr. T wants to do a LEEP procedure because he didn’t get a good look at things since I was awake. OK, fine. Better safe then sorry. Here is the kicker - 3 months until we can try again. That sucks!!!! I was not happy about that. That is the part I was most upset about. Cancer, whatever, we will get through it. Not trying, can’t handle it.

So I call them for my results & my surgery date after waiting a few more days then they said. Biopsy negative, but Dr. T still wants to do the LEEP to make sure. I do not want it done, I want to start trying again. I know in my heart nothing is wrong, it is because of the miscarriage. But my head is being sensible & says to do it. Better to find out now then when I am pregnant & have to have it done.

LEEP day comes & I don’t tell many people. I don’t even tell my mom. I don’t want the hassle & the pity. Rich & I are cracking up in pre-op. People probably think we were crazy. It was a lot different than my other surgeries for sure. Neither of us were worried, we just wanted to get things over with so we could start the countdown to trying again. I really didn’t think he would find anything & even told Rich I was going to tell him not to do it if he didn’t find any spots. I was joking with all the nurses about being allergic to surgery & not knowing my birth date. I asked for one of the printed caps since mine was boring. Every time I have surgery it is at lunchtime. So I get to smell donatos pizza going back because once again I haven’t eaten. I am told I will be under IV sedation just like the past 2 times. I get to the OR & everything goes as it should I assume. I wake up in recovery with a sore throat & extremely groggy. The nurse tells me I have to stay there for ½ hour after I get off oxygen due to the general anesthesia. I argue with her & say I just had IV sedation. Then she looks at my chart & tells me no. Then I tell her my throat is sore. There was my duh moment!! Anyway she offers me a pain pill, which I take, but I have to eat something with it. She has crackers & water or pop. Well I had been doing low carb for 2 months then so crackers were not low-carb friendly. I thought to myself or maybe out loud "screw it I am hungry & in pain".

I get to post-op & I am so tired. I get a little emotional because Rich tells me Dr. T told him he took some places off my cervix. I really & truly thought there would be nothing there for him to find. Dr. T told Rich he expected it to come back as something, probably not cancer, but not totally normal either. I just want to go home because it is noisy there & people are snoring. I can’t sleep if people are snoring, just ask Rich :-) I think we stopped for something to eat on the way home.

My surgery was on a Tuesday, so I wait until the next Thursday to call for my results since they didn’t call me. Is anyone else seeing a trend here? Guess what the results were? Totally normal. My third female surgery in less than 1.5 yrs was totally unnecessary. When will I learn to trust my gut?

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