It sucks for guys too...

Difficult moments......

Those that know me can probably tell that I am a very patient person. I believe that with patience and hard work, you can accomplish anything. This philosophy of being patient and not giving up has served me well. Believing that what I wish for will happen, being patient for it, and not giving up has resulted in an amazing wife, amazing education, amazing career, great friends, and everything I have. When something serves you well for so long, it is hard to accept and deal with the feelings you get when it doesn't. I know if I say this wrong it could sound like I am complaining because I am used to getting everything I want. That is not the case, I'd love a new car, bigger house, to figure out a way to feel closer to my dad again, have a little more faith in the future of the company I work for, to break through the weight loss plateau I have hit, um...have a baby, to name a few. None of these things can be achieved without work and struggle, sacrifice and planning, and patience. But the thing is, with so much of what we wish for, we have a choice, we have input, and we can see clear progress toward the goal. In most cases, the outcome is deterministic and progress is measurable (can you tell I am an engineer?), you know it will happen it is just a matter of time and if it doesn't happen you can look back and see a clear reason why. You can save x-dollars per month toward that new car, you can visit relatives more often and feel the relationship improve, you can put in the extra hours of studying until that light bulb comes on and you get it. One of the hardest aspects of infertility is that spending more money, putting in more time or effort, learning about the problem, working harder, doesn't make the outcome deterministic. It doesn't move you measurably closer to the goal, and no amount of money, doctors, sacrifice and effort can guarantee success. With all the amazing feats of modern medicine, you start out thinking, no problem, go to the doctor, find out what is going on, treat it and viola. As time wears on and you listen to the doctors, you discover that you are a subject of ongoing research. No two people/couples are exactly the same, there are trends, but it is still a lot of let's try this see what happens, then try this. Wait, I just realized that individualized medicine already exists. :-) Though I have been extremely amazed at all the intricate procedures and treatments, and deep knowledge science has uncovered about the reproductive process, I am equally amazed at how much is still unknown or can't be done, how much is still guess work and a roll of the dice. It is one thing to work hard for something you know you can achieve, it is another to keep faith in something that has no guarantees.

Yesterday was Father's day. Normally I am not overly sensitive to such occasions. But something about my dad holding my step-brothers new baby girl really got to me. Experiencing infertility first hand and being around others in similar situations, I hear a lot of, It's not fair, that should be me or that should be us. We are older, we got married first, we've been trying longer, we're more deserving, we'll be better parents. And while in some cases that may be true, like the accident waiting to happen I saw the other day where a woman with 3 babies in child seats in a minivan had a lit cigarette in one hand, cell phone in the other and a bottle of soda between her legs while driving (yes the vehicle was in motion), these comments I hear, and at times am probably guilty of thinking, are of frustration and not truly sincere. The sight of my dad holding a baby caught me off guard emotionally and perhaps being father's day just heightened the emotions. It was difficult at first when I was driving home to blaring angry sounding music, to tell if I was angry, resentful, or sad. I was certainly on edge because I pulled a stunt in front of a sheriff that looking back wasn't too smart. He was 2 cars back and the car behind me had gotten pretty far behind me, scared to exceed the speed limit I would imagine. When that car turned, the sheriff closed the gap between his car and mine very quickly and rode my bumper. I felt that was uncalled for, so I used my turn signal, a rarity for me, and turned onto the next side road without braking, squealing tires and all then stopped as he drove on. But, by the time I got home I realized that I was just sad. So, if you know someone struggling with infertility and you hear what sounds like jealousy or resentment, take it with a grain of salt. And if you are struggling with infertility, don't resent others for their success and happiness, be happy for them, but mourn the absence of your own.