Greetings Earth People!

That line is from one of my favorite movies as a kid/teenager. If anyone gets it I would be surprised. Rich no cheating!!

Well there is lots to update about. First of all, I start my new job tomorrow. Since I think they are a tad more sophisticated then the old place, I will not be mentioning the name or be blogging from work at lunch anymore. Sorry! Everyone will have to wait until after work for the updates. I am not really nervous yet. Just slightly aggravated as they are going thru a huge background check & can't get my degree confirmation. I have no clue where my diploma is so who knows what will happen with that.

Last day at the old job was so emotional for me. It was sad to go, but I still had to stay until 5:15 because all of the other girls left plus I need to get some stuff wrapped up. There were a lot of hurtful comments about how they don't expect me to last long at this job, that I'll be bored as a paper pusher & that I'll hate the commute. Not one of them knew the stressful situation I am in right now, so I could forgive some of them, but the partner saying I would be bored & would hate it was hurtful to me. Oh well. Time to move on.

Rich & I took a mini-break in between jobs to Florida for a few days. It was a nice relaxing time except for Monday night. We had played & swam on Sunday & Monday on the beach & the pool. Then we were flipping towels at each other in the room, running around. I go in the bathroom & find spotting. So of course I freak out. I am then checking every 5 mins & it is getting worse, turning to light red. Sorry if TMI. Anyway we go to dinner, Rich eats & I pick at my food while there it is getting more prominent. I get back to the hotel room & call my friend Devon to ask her about this since a similar incident happened to her on vacation. She calmed me down somewhat, but I knew what I needed to do. I called the DR answering service. I was praying that Dr. B was on call that night. I was afraid if the other Dr was on call, that he would just brush it off as no big deal. Anyway, I was lucky that Dr. B was on call. He called me & told me that 1 out of 3 pregnancies bleed in the first trimester, same as Devon told me. Since this is my third pregnancy & never had this on the other 2 I thought that made since. He said as long as I wasn't cramping that was good & probably not a m/c. I wasn't cramping. He asked me what I did that day & I told him we were on vacation in Florida so I had swam, walked around. He told me to take it easier the next day. Also to take Ibu.profen to relax the uterus until the bleeding stopped. Then Dr. B proceeds to talk to me about the weather in Florida & the weather up here. He was so nice. I felt bad calling, but we both felt better after speaking with him. Luckily, it stopped by mid-afternoon Tuesday. So the rest of the trip was better, but Monday night was so horrible. Of course we are thinking the worst. Although as soon as we got the Atlanta airport I threw-up & Have felt like crap since then. I told Rich I am allergic to home. Now we just wait until the appt on Friday to make sure everything is still ok.

We also promised Cletus that if he/she stays put, we will bring them back to the beach. Yes that is the nickname we came up with, Cletus the Fetus. Cletus for short.

Time to go rest up for my big day tomorrow & to get some more laundry done.

We have a good heartbeat!!!

I don’t think there was anything else to put in the title. We saw the baby. Measuring 6wks2days. I am 6wks4days. The heart rate is 113!!!!!!!!!!!! We are so thrilled. I gave a big sigh of relief when I heard it and saw it. Dr. B said that everything looked and sounded good. He even talked to us about the future trans nucheal u/s. That is the u/s that screens for downs syndrome by measuring the neck folds I think. I’ll have to read my packet from Dr. B. He never did that before. I go back next Friday, my second day at the new job. Oh well. They knew this in advance.

I do have a corpus luteum cyst. That is where I bled into the follicle where the egg came out. He said it is not a big deal, we will watch it closely. That just means taking it easy, no jumping around, no heavy lifting and no s.ex. Poor Rich!!! Dr. B said it is just like a bruise & it will eventually go away. He looked at my bruised belly & said it could be worse.

I am truly convinced that Hep.arin is a miracle drug! I can’t believe we finally got this far and it has everything to do with the testing & Dr. B being cool with using the shots.

I was so excited & relieved that I forgot to remind him to check my cervical length. Oops!

So now I have a vent about the visit today. I know you are probably thinking, how can she vent about such a great appt. Well Dr. B had an intern with him today. She was a OB/GYN Dr. He let her do the u/s. She sucked at it. I was ready to just do it myself. That was not cool for him to let her do the u/s. It was not good for her bumbling around with someone who has had multiple m/c and needs results ASAP. She couldn’t get it in the right place & looked at my ovary first. She also couldn’t hold it still for the heartbeat. She sucked bad. Finally Dr. B took over, put everything in the right place right away & got all the right measurements. When he took the measurements the baby was actually 1 day ahead.

We got 4 pics although it just looks like a blob now, but hopefully by next week of the week after it will start looking like a baby.

Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers everyone. I am starting to believe this might be our keeper!!

One week

One week down, one to go. I must say I am not feeling all that motivated to work today. I am feeling kind of blah anyway. Things are still not going very well here at work. Still getting pressure to stay. Although one person here wants me gone. She thinks she is going to take over & be me. Well, guess what? It ain’t gonna happen. There is no way that she is going to replace me. Everyone here knows it. She is already kissing ass to one of the bosses to get my cases. Ticks me off because she’s an idiot.

Nothing going on with the baby I guess. This time period sucks because I don’t know if anything is wrong or right until u/s Tuesday. I am sure I will be a wreck then, but for now that is the least of my worries.

My very good friend Julie, who is a frequent cementer on here, got some bad news yesterday. If you could just give a thought or prayer to her & her husband I am sure she would appreciate it. She doesn’t have an IF blog of her own. Thanks. Julie, Rich & I are thinking about you. Love you girl!!!

Bloodwork Results & Notice

Long time no update. Things are going ok I guess. Just really tired & aggravated right now.

HCG yesterday was 7,620. Needed to be at least 6,400.
Progesterone was 35. That went down but I talked to the nurse today and she said that it was still fine. Still a good number & progesterone can fluctuate greatly depending on time of day or other factors. Just made me nervous since it kept going down last time & we know how that turned out. They offered a blood draw on Friday, but I declined. I don’t want anymore blood draws, plus I am using a natural progesterone cream from my very good friend. It is natural so won’t hurt anything & gives me some peace of mind. I am at the point now where I am done with blood draws & onto my first Dr visit & ultrasound. U/S is scheduled for next Tuesday.

Sickness is the afternoon/evening for me. Starts at around 3:00 in the afternoon. Not too much throwing up yet. I am glad of that. I will take whatever I get though.

I gave my notice Monday. It didn’t go over well at all. My feelings were hurt & I gave the notice. They are making it hard for me. They keep bugging me to stay. I am ready to go & I wish they would leave me alone. It is very emotionally draining for me right now anyway. They are bringing up things that I hadn’t really thought about yet & it is making me second guess my decision. Rich says I shouldn’t do that, but I can’t help it. I think it would be easier if everyone hated me & wanted me to go. Others are taking it personally & thinking that the drama a few months ago is true. I guess in a way it was, but it still makes me feel bad.

They want to have a big going away lunch. I do not want that as I know I will be a mess. I am a very private person and I don’t want attention focused on me. That’s one reason why I don’t want a baby shower ever either. So this will be very hard for me. But I’ll make it through. There are good things waiting for me after next Friday.

Decision made

Well it turned out to be easier than I thought. The main person I do not like pulled me in to yell at me on Friday at 4:30. Made the decision that much easier. I will be taking the new job. She just pissed me off one too many times. I will be giving my notice tomorrow morning. I can't wait. I think they will be surprised and shocked. I also think they will be scared. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks everyone who commented or gave their opinion.

Decisions, Decisions

As some of you know I have already e-mailed you about this issue, I have a big decision to make this weekend. I have been offered a position at a bigger, national known company. I don’t believe that anyone here at my work knows about this blog, but I will be speaking generally anyway.

Right now I have to bill for my hours. I have to account for every minute of my day. Let me tell you it is a big PITA. I am also reprimanded constantly because I work too fast & don’t bill enough. Lately that hasn’t been a problem, but it was for a couple years. Every month I would get a “gentle” reminder about it. It actually got to be a joke, but no one else ever got them. Anyway that is a big stress with my current job that the new place wouldn’t have.

So thanks to one of my research buddies :-), the benefits at this new place are tremendous. Lac.tation rooms, day ca.re discounts, 401K, pension, more paid holidays. I will get 3 wks vacation to start since that is what I would get after working here 5 yrs anyway. I can buy extra vacation too.

I also came out & told them about the pregnancy. They were very nice about it. Told me it did not factor into the decision. They told me I wouldn’t have to move the boxes around either. They just moved. So Dr appts are not going to be a problem either.

So what is the decision you might ask? Well I am torn. Is this really the right time? Do I need to bring another change into my life? What if this pregnancy doesn’t work out? Will I still have time off to recover? Or maybe this is my chance to start with a fresh, clean slate. A new job & a baby on the way aren’t a bad way to start out. Maybe it’s like I told Rich this morning, maybe this is the start of good things for us. Maybe the past 5 yrs of crap are going to be worth it in the end.

The consensus so far from my e-mail buddies are all for it. Any comments are welcome.

Real Babies?

In case anyone was pondering the moral or spiritual aspects of fertility treatments, here is an interesting view point. Even with IVF, there is still uncertainty and spontaneity, there are still aspects beyond our control, it is still a miracle.

http://www.beliefnet.com/nllp/Inspiration.aspx?WT.mc_id=Inspiration03&date=08-09-2007

Timeless Souls

After struggling with the moral implications of fertility treatments, I realized that all babies come from God.

By Beth Kohl

"Hello?" my husband Gary says, using the speaker function on his work phone.

"It's me," I say, trying to modulate my volume so that only Gary can hear me. "Quick question. Do you think children who result from in vitro fertilization are coincidental? A happy circumstance of our particular clinic, doctor, embryologist, ultrasonographer, vials of Lupron and shots of Gonal-F? Or do you think they are timeless souls waiting for their most perfect embodiment?"

Gary picks up the phone and whispers, "Timeless souls."

"Thanks," I say, and hang up. Corollary questions occur to me, but I'm already late for the graduate writing classes I've started taking, and the last of the art school students are pushing through the smudged revolving door. I call Gary back. "Yes?" he says, elongating and dipping the word in the middle so I'll know I'm interrupting his work and testing his patience.

"Just to clarify, you think all babies, IVF and naturally occurring, are these timeless beings, their physical shape the only genetically influenced part? And are these timeless souls random ones, or do they descend exclusively from our ancestors? If ancestral, how are they divvied up among the children? Look how hard it is negotiating between our moms over where we spend Thanksgiving. To think our dead ancestors might also be jockeying for position."

"Hon, I appreciate how hard you're thinking about what we're doing, I really do. But I have a moot court in twenty minutes. Can we talk later, like at home tonight?"

"Promise you'll give it serious thought?" I ask.

"Promise," Gary says.

Gary kept his promise, thinking hard when I begged him to and, presumably, even when I didn't. Eventually, and all-in-all, we underwent five rounds of IVF, joyfully ending up with three daughters. But even as I endured clinical procedures and dosed myself at home, I questioned the scientific means I had no choice but to enlist to have my own, biological children. I wondered, if it's a doctor manipulating my system, fetching my husband and my genetic material and manually combining it to produce fertilized eggs, where is God's hand? If I get pregnant with multiples, do I "selectively reduce" to help assure one live, healthy birth? What is my moral responsibility to unused embryos?

When, exactly, does life begin? Is it at the moment of fertilization or someplace further down the line, at some point when the heart starts to beat or the brain waves start waving?

I also wondered if I should be tinkering with God's Plan and/or Mother Nature since there was, in fact, a medical diagnosis for my infertility. I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, a fairly common condition in which the ovaries create an abundance of follicles (the fluid- and hormone-filled sacs in which eggs are meant to grow) each month without ever producing an egg.

But I desperately wanted pregnancy, desperately wanted a child. I wanted to see ancestral features traced on our children's faces. And, with the science so easily accessible, a mere matter of signing up with one of numerous area fertility clinics, it was hard to resist, questions notwithstanding.

I'd hold my breath, listening for sudden rushes of faith and certainty, some voice or sense to tell me that although medicine was no substitute for a spontaneous pregnancy, it was still okay, particularly for such a life-affirming cause. I wanted confirmation that all I'd been raised to believe – that human life stems from God, love and miracle – was true, even under these scientifically-juiced circumstances. But no voice ever came. Until, that is, my daughters arrived, their voices being the ones to quiet my doubts.

Maybe I'm mistaken, assuming this tension between science and faith. Maybe man's scientific ability stems directly from a divine source, the hand of God leading the technician's, and all the results sanctified thereby. In fact, maybe my daughters bear out rather than disprove God's presence in artificially stimulated conception. Maybe the mere fact of their existence, their emergence in spite of human interference, the potential obstacles at every step, the cold speculae and sticky syringes, the clumsy technique and imperfect judgment, is proof that fallible man is no match for the Almighty Lord.

This idea helped ease my mind, made me realize that I didn't have to view IVF as a struggle between faith and science, that not only could the two coexist, but that they are complementary. When man-made technologies are used to initiate conception, we aren't playing at God's job, since no amount of scientific brilliance will give us the capacity to create a soul in vitro. There can be no spirit donor, no such thing as a soulologist. All man can do is scientifically simulate conception and let the miraculous, invisible part happen beyond the reach of magnification and ultrasound.

As the Bible says, "God blessed them. God said to them, 'Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'" According to the Bible, God put people in charge of our surroundings, granting us permission not only to rule our fellow creatures but also to subdue the earth, bringing it into control, lessening its chaotic intensity. One can then argue that scientific progress, in its ability to combat disorder and disease, is therefore not only not heretical but sanctified. "God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. There was evening and there was morning, a sixth day."

A couple of summers ago, our fertility clinic threw a party to "celebrate life and miracles." We decided to go. Not only did the invitation beckon – a monarch butterfly, rows of sunflowers, and stands of orange lilies hinting at well-planned merriment amid panoramic surroundings – but there'd be food, entertainment, and fun for all.

We had a great time, especially the girls. A deejay played music on a lawn and several giant, stuffed mascots were over there, doing Ring Around the Rosie with children and each other. When the girls ran off to follow several older kids who were tapping the mascots on the back and running away, Gary chatted with another family while I found a bench nestled in some flowering bushes at the lawn's edge.

I could smell flowers and grass and hear the low-pitched hum of bees behind me. The deejay, clearly briefed on his audience, played song after song about enjoying life and family. The songs were generic, the sorts I'd heard a thousand times – "We Are Family" and "What a Wonderful World" and "Celebration" – but it was the first time my kids had ever heard them, and they were having a ball. They darted in and out of the dancing crowd, Anna following Lily following Sophia as they hugged one favorite character after the next, Care Bears and the Cat in the Hat, Scooby-Doo, their dada, and me.

Blood work results **Updated**

Well since I know I have some blog stalkers out here I won’t keep you in anymore suspense. :-)

HCG 811 Monday’s was 308!!!!
Progesterone 41.1 Monday’s was 35.4 I think.

Platelets & Protime were normal as well. So the painful Heparin shots are doing their job. I had a bleeder this morning for the shot, but it is all worth it for these kind of positive results.

I am starting to believe this might be the one!!!!! Thanks for all the support everyone! We both appreciate it so much & it is so fun to have all of you along for the ride.

******
I have added an abbreviation column on the side for abbreviations that we may use on here. If you see one in a post & you need an explanation, just leave a comment. We will add it or explain it. I apologize that sometimes we get caught up in the lingo & forget that others may not know it.

Observing the Perseids

So, it looks like I was catching the start of the perseids when I saw the shooting star a few weeks ago. I saw it on the night of July 24th, 5 days after the IUI, and according to the article I copied part of below, the shower starts producing meteors on July 23rd. I just wanted to put something else up as a reminder to those who may want to try and view the shower. I am hoping to figure out someplace dark enough to drive too and observe. It is supposed to peak Sunday night which could lead to a groggy Monday, but it's only one day. The early AM of Sunday morning is supposed to be good also. Hopefully I will get a good picture or two as well. For northern hemisphere observers, the radiant will be to the northeast.

from: http://meteorshowersonline.com/perseids.html
This is the most famous of all meteor showers. It never fails to provide an impressive display and, due to its summertime appearance, it tends to provide the majority of meteors seen by non-astronomy enthusiasts.

This meteor shower gets the name "Perseids" because it appears to radiate from the constellation Perseus. An observer in the Northern Hemisphere can start seeing Perseid meteors as early as July 23, when one meteor every hour or so could be visible. During the next three weeks, there is a slow build-up. It is possible to spot five Perseids per hour at the beginning of August and perhaps 15 per hour by August 10. The Perseids rapidly increase to a peak of 50-80 meteors per hour by the night of August 12/13 and then rapidly decline to about 10 per hour by August 15. The last night meteors are likely to be seen from this meteor shower is August 22, when an observer might see a Perseid every hour or so.

Results

Sorry to not post and leave everyone hanging. Blood results from Monday were not quite doubling very 48 hrs. Still fairly close, only 15 off, but this is the same pattern and almost the same numbers as last time. Progesterone was still very high. Highest ever without supplementation. They waited until 5:00 to call & tell me. I told the nurse she made me nervous. I thought maybe it was bad news & the Dr. was waiting until after patients to call me. She told me the numbers were good. Still nervous and the therapist said it is OK for me to be like this. I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience. Another blood test tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will get the results sooner tomorrow.

Angels

There is another very special occasion that matches up with our first pregnancy, the same one that came after my wishing on the first shooting star. I was fortunate enough to know two of my great-grandparents, my father’s mother’s mother and my father’s father’s father. Not only did our time on earth overlap, but I was actually old enough to have many memories of them. My grandmother made it well known that she desperately wanted great grandchildren. Had everything gone according to our naive plan, we would have given her one, maybe 2, instead of enduring the at times painful comments about when we were going to have children or when was she going to have a great grandchild. In January 2005, ironically in between the time I had interviewed for and the time I had accepted a job at a lung cancer research company, my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She battled through one round, but it quickly returned. In November, after the IUI and during the two week wait, she lost the fight. The stress and grief during her last days and the days to follow left us with little hope of that cycle actually working. However, we were joyously surprised to get our first ever BFP (I am picking up lingo J). We had both been thinking it, but neither of us had said it for about a week. Then it came up, we were certain that even if Grandma didn’t have anything to do with the conception and implantation, we were certain that BB had a guardian angel and that nothing could go wrong. How naive of us again. It wasn’t our turn yet. I guess she was too much of a newbie angel to work miracles. At least I know both BB and Autumn are well taken care of, well fed, having a very good time, and Grandma has some great grandchildren to play with. Maybe the three of them together will have the ability to pull off the miracle for us this time.

Animal Senses

Do animals know? Can they tell? I have two examples to site. First of all, there is the cat, Rascal, our first baby. We have had him ever since he was about 8 weeks old and climbed up the back of my shirt, clawing my skin while his brother shook in fear of us in the corner. He is 6 years old now and is fairly independent (I don't think he ever forgave us for intentionally inflicting infertility on him). But, each time Jennifer has been pregnant, he becomes more cuddly and he will just invite himself onto her belly or hip for a nap. Behavior he doesn't exhibit any other time. How does he know? We call it the Rascal test.

The second example is not near as cute, but I would expect no less from our ornery huskie, Shelby. I thought sure she must be starting to prepare me for what is to come, but then knowing Shelby, she probably knows Jennifer is pregnant and was just being her usual jealous self. Shelby is our second baby. We got her when she was 6 weeks old and she is very attached to us. So much so she is nicknamed "The Interrupter" because no matter when or where we are, or what we are doing, she feels she needs to be at least with us, and preferably between us. I am very familiar with the advice, "A tired husky is a good husky". Believe me it is true. She has energy, she is smart, and if you don't find a way for her to burn her energy, she will find one on her own. Let me recommend not letting her figure something out on her own. She has chewed half a futon, the frame not the mattress, 1/2 a metal dog tag is missing, the other half full of teeth marks, and it is not uncommon to see her sprint down the hallway, leap into the air, rotate horizontally, use the cushions on the back of the couch to change direction, rotate back to vertical, and land back on the floor without touching anything else. Last night was one of her, "I'm not tired nights." It was our fault, we didn't spend much time with her Saturday or Sunday, so it was time to pay. Of course she waited for everyone to go to bed before whining and barking. There's no sleeping through that. So I get up to let her out but no, she doesn't want to go out, she wants to play. So back to the bedroom she goes to fire up Skyler, our other husky, and get her to bark. Then the sprints start. It's best to just let her go and get it out of her system so I closed Skyler in the bedroom with Jennifer hoping Jennifer can get some sleep. When Shelby stops sprinting through the house, she decides it is time to eat. We do not have a normal dog. She maybe eats every other day and we just leave her food in her bowl until she decides to eat it. Then when she eats, she takes her good old time. A couple of bites, then come see what I am doing. Then take the food from the bowl, spread it out on the floor, and then eat some more. Finally done eating and now it is play time again. To the toy basket she goes, and chooses a woolly man shaped squeeky toy to chew on (no sleeping through that), that gets old so she gets the screaming monkey toy out (no sleeping through that), then when that gets old, she gets the fleece tug rope and invites me to play tug of war. Finally she lays down and just when I think maybe I can go back to bed, she gets up and starts to chew a rawhide. She alternates between looking asleep and being awake playing and chewing. The rest intervals start getting longer and the play intervals shorter. Finally she is asleep and we all return to bed. As I laid there going back to sleep I thought, I got up for her to eat, go to the bathroom, and play, better get used to it. It has been years since we had a night like this with Shelby, why now, how does she know?

Thank you!!!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everybody for the well wishes. You have no idea what it means for you to take a little bit of time to pray for us, support us or just say something encouraging. You will never know how much you all mean to us & how much your support & love is needed and wanted!!! This is going to be a rough few weeks coming up, so please just try & put up with me being freaked out for a little while longer!!!

It is starting to be a little more real feeling as I threw up this morning from the breakfast smell. I am not really looking forward to this starting up again, but will take it in a heartbeat.

Thanks again everyone for the encouragement & good wishes!!! We love you all. I am so glad to have this blog to update everyone.

Jenn & Rich

It's in the stars

It’s in the stars. Can you believe it? Reports say that on any night, at any location, a few meteors can be seen each hour. I image this excludes brightly lit areas and/or obstructions limiting your view of the sky. These are called sporadic meteors, or simply sporadics. It’s so bizarre, both times I have seen shooting stars, sporatic meteors, after an IUI, the IUI has resulted in a pregnancy. Maybe there is something too it? There is obvious superstition associated with wishing on the rare event of actually being in the right place at the right time, looking the right direction, to observe a sporadic shooting star. However, maybe some of that rubs off when you put the odds in your favor and observe a meteor shower. So, for those of you who want to try and tap into the power of the stars, or maybe like us just willing to try anything, here is a link to a website that list the dates of the meteor showers for 2007.

http://stardate.org/nightsky/meteors/

The next meteor shower is the Perseids on August 12. This year there’s no moonlight to interfere. The best time to watch is from 11 p.m. August 12 until dawn the next morning. The best direction to watch is wherever your sky is darkest. If you have a dark sky, you may see a meteor once a minute on average. The shower is also active for several days before and after its peak.

By the way, I am extremely excited, I toasted to the third time being a charm with scotch last night, and just want to say that Mrs. Spock, you have a freaky-weird gift and thanks Devon for believing with me!

Hope 1, Me 0

HCG blood test was positive. Progesterone was good as well. The nurse said it was a good positive & not from the HCG shot. I am still freaked out & in disbelief. I think after the second draw on Monday I may feel differently. It all feels very surreal at this point to me. I just can’t get excited yet.

Started the Heparin shots last night. Already got a little bruise from the first one. Did them myself & it is not pleasant at all. It burns going in & I feel it. It is going to be a long 8 months. But if it gets me a live baby in the end, I am ok with it.

I freaked out after the results yesterday. I told Rich I wasn’t ready. I am not ready for the spot checks, symptom checks & moments of freak out for the next months. I know I will never be ready for another loss.

Rich is very confident. He opened the bottle of scotch last night & said third times the charm. Every time it has been a different liquor that he has saved special for the occasion. Rum from the cruise, bourbon from Kentucky & Scotch this time.

I wish I could feel that confident already. I hope in time I will get to that point.

I am having pre-AF symptoms right now. I don’t even know what to say anymore. I didn’t want to post this at all, but Rich said I should. I am so scared right now.

POAS Tests

For something as important as "is someone pregnant or not", these tests leave a lot to interpretation. We have been pregnant before and Jennifer has believed it long before I have. Yes, I was a skeptic. In part it was due to history, odds are we aren't pregnant, but mostly it is due to having to tilt the stick, squint my eyes, and then wonder if I am using my imagination to see a line because I know where it should be, or is it real? I guess the problem is our goal of early detection asap, and being impatient as opposed to the days when a woman waits until she misses her period and then takes the test. Anyway, over the last few days I have become less of a skeptic. Jennifer has been testing daily, trying to figure out when the second HCG shot has cleared her system. The first test she showed me 4-5 days ago, had one of those hallucinated lines if you ask me, though she thought it was still a positive. Two nights ago, I came home and happened upon the test from that morning on the counter top, the line was not dark, but it was clearly visible and I am comparing one 9-hour old test to another. This is when I really got hope. I started asking Jennifer about getting the Hep.arin filled, and how she was feeling. I'm was getting hopeful, but Jennifer was staying guarded. This morning there was a visible line within the 3 minutes the test says to wait. I am not a skeptic anymore, but Jennifer still is. Looks like it will take a blood test to know for sure. Will the evil Lord of Infertility prevail leaving our heroes with the disappointment of another failed cycle and more treatments, or will he loose this battle leaving them with the uncertainty of pregnancy and the fear of another loss. Tune in next time to see which flavor of stress the B-unit will be under.

Not much to say

$ store tests still positive but getting more faint. Tomorrow is 14dpIUI. Not much hope going on right now.

Last night was so great & this morning was so painful. Rich said he was excited & hopeful that it worked. So was I, so much that we went to the pharmacy to try & get my Hep.arin filled. They didn't have it, but I figured I would just try somewhere else today. This morning I woke up to test. Today is 10 days past the second HCG test. The line took forever & was barely there. My temp also dropped some. I really hate how my body plays the tricks on me. I think maybe this is it, things are a little different this month. Then it will all come crashing down in a few days.

I hate that I do this to Rich everytime. He gets his hopes up and has them dashed too. This hurts so much. I hate getting excited about possible symptoms and then it all goes down the drain.

I am just tired of the whole thing. I am tired of the guessing, hormones, hope, falls, sobbing and the unknown.

This cycle was just weird for me & I never got excited about it. Maybe my body is trying to tell me that I am done. Maybe it is tellng me that I am done with the guess work & ready to move on to something with a defintie end to it?