willpower and wishes

I have absolutely no willpower lately. I don’t know what happened to me, but I just can’t say no anymore. I lost 30 lbs in 4 months. I have gained back 6 lbs in weeks. And I don’t even care really. I need to get the weight back off so my new clothes fit & it will help if we do conceive a baby. It’s like I just can’t resist the sweets & treats of summer. I just had a mini chocolate donut from the kitchen. I didn’t need it & I wasn’t hungry, but it was there & I ate it. I need to get back on the low carb diet sooner as opposed to later, but I am just not motivated anymore. I was motivated when I was told it might help me conceive. Even the whole “You’ll live longer” threat isn’t working this time. I wish I knew what happened to me in the past few weeks.

I also have no willpower to quit POAS. I keep telling myself it is to see when the HCG is out of my system. They are only $1.00 each so I don’t feel bad about it. Truthfully, I like to see the line & just hope, think & wish that it was the real line for me. Today I did one again this morning. The line is extremely faint, I think. Others probably wouldn’t even be able to see it. I think it is like my connection with hope. As long as I keep seeing that line, maybe a pregnancy is a possibility again. I am so nervous & scared for either result now.

I wish I knew already. I wish things were easier. I wish that my emotions didn’t always get in the way. I wish I could be happier. I wish for a baby. I really hope the shooting star worked it's magic again.

Hope is a big ole . . .

BITCH!!! Progesterone is 23.9. Means I ovulated. The other 2 times it was 12 & 14. The nurse was excited, but I am not. Doesn't mean anything to me. Every time it was higher, nothing happened. Although there are other things to make me wonder.

I have taken naps after work twice this past week.
I made breakfast this morning. It was my idea & it made me gag. I am not a morning person & usually don't want to eat as soon as I get up.
I have been more hungry.
I have been warmer than usual.
I have been "regular".
My nose has been more sensitive. I smelled burnt toast in the office on Friday & no one else had yet. Last time it was cheeze-its.

There are logical explanations to all of these items. We went to the gym so my metabolism is up. I have been eating better. I have been staying up later and the stress from last week caught up with me. It is July after all so I should be warm. Even with the explanations, Hope is there in the wings, peaking her head around. I was prepared to have this cycle fail & then these little thing happen instead.

Question to some of you, hopefully someone can answer this for me: I am still testing a faint positive a week after the 2nd HCG shot. Does anyone know how long it will usually last? I don't want a false positive in a few days. I am going to keep testing with the $ tree test, but I am looking for any information on this. Thanks!!!

Boring, boring, boring

Ok the first week of the 2WW is done & I have nothing to report. Well I will have a progesterone number to report sometime tomorrow. I am going to do that this afternoon. Hopefully no one butchers my arm today. It feels like the second week is going to go slower. Work has slowed down, thank goodness, so my days are back to being slow & boring. I enjoy being crazy busy, but not while I am trying to fit in Dr. Appts, IUI & monitoring appts.

So, Rich & I really need to get away on vacation. Unfortunately work schedules don’t seem to coincide for the next couple weeks. September is good, then October & November are bad for us. December would be great as I am not gung-ho on Christmas anymore with the additional of little ones. So I am trying to come up with someplace & some time to go.

Ok, that is my boring update. Hopefully we will have something more interesting to tell soon :-)

Shooting Stars

Do you believe in wishing on shooting stars? For most of 2005/2006 I was traveling a lot for work. Sometimes I would fly, but many of the closer trips I would drive. One particular trip, I was leaving home, driving to Pittsburgh, having a meeting in Pittsburgh, then heading to Cleveland for a meeting and then finally on to Detroit for two more meetings. This was the start of a November in which I would travel to 11 different places. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago, Birmingham, St. Louis, Honolulu, Washington D.C., a small town in Wisconsin, and I can’t even remember the rest. Yes, I said Honolulu, and guess what? You know timing is everything during a cycle so I ended up flying in to Honolulu at 5:00PM one day and flying out at 5:00PM the next. I know it is crazy, but I didn’t want to be away if I was needed at home, for now it still takes two to make a baby. Anyway, I left home Halloween night for my early morning meeting in Pittsburgh. So about 10:00PM I think it was I started out driving through the night. I had loaded up on coffee and had a giant bag of jolly ranchers in the seat next to me so I was good to go. I don’t miss the traveling at all, but occasionally some quiet time away from the office where the biggest decision I had to make was where to eat or when to stop for the restroom was welcome. It was a nice drive, little traffic, and very dark. Spending hours alone in the car gives you lots of time to think about things and reflect. I thought a lot about all we had been through with IF and wondered when would be our turn. As I drove through the hills somewhere in West Virginia or Pennsylvania, it happened. I was driving down one of those long straight roads along the side of a hill with an unobstructed view for miles. Dawn was near, but it was still dark. It was that time of morning most people don’t see when the horizon is blue and the sky is still black. As I was gazing out the side window a large shooting star fell before me. It was one of the best I have seen. It was bright, it moved slowly, and it was colorful. My wish was simple, for the IUI we had just gone through to result in a pregnancy. That is exactly what happened. Well guess what, last night as I was driving back from a day trip to Cleveland, it was nearly 11:00PM, I was almost back to the office when something must have caught the corner of my eye. Instinctively my head turned and I caught a glimpse of the end of shooting star. Drowning out the conversations in the car, I made my wish. What are the odds of seeing a shooting star, let alone having it coincide with a two week wait following an IUI, TWICE? Who will believe with me?

Blog rating

Mingle² - Online Dating

This is based on the words death, dead & hell. Not at all based on the f-bombs or anything else. I was mildly amused.

Too sensitive?

Things have been bugging me alot lately as you can see from my previous posts. I wonder if I am becoming too sensitive to other people's comments? Should I just shrug them off & move on? I have always been the tough girl, never let them see you cry or upset. That is for later in private. I have always been the tomboy, up for any sports, dirty work or lifting/moving heavy stuff to prove I am a strong woman. I am not a wimpy girly-girl. Lately though, I see things swinging in a different direction for me. I am getting very upset about stupid comments made to me by others who know our situation. Normally I would just shrug them off, give them a dirty look or forget about it, but lately I can't. Maybe it is more hormones or maybe things are just really starting to get to me. I have tried to be honest & positive thru this whole IF experience, but it is starting to get me down almost daily. It is stupid comments too like "Why do you have such a big car? I don't know why you need it." Now I thought of a good comment later, but unfortunately it was too late. Stuff like that would never bother me before, but yesterday it really did. I went home & got teary eyed & it almost ruined my evening. I bought this car with the intent of filling the backseat with baby seats. I really can't help the fact that it is still empty.

Life on hold?

My truck, 1998 Ford Ranger 4x4 off-road package (I love my truck), is going on 9 years old. All in all for the most part it has been a good truck to me, much of my family, and many of my friends. Thanks to living less than 10 miles from work for several years, it has less than 90k miles on it. One summer the oil pump broke and the engine cased up requiring it to be replaced. Luckily my brother had a qualified friend willing to do the work in his garage at home. Other than that, I can’t complain. Lately though, all the end of model year sales have been calling to me. When I got this truck, I thought it was huge, my car before that was a Geo Metro, however it has been too small for the last couple of jobs I needed it for, well I made it work against sound judgment. There are plenty of things I can think of to do with a larger truck like get dirt for the garden, mulch for the beds, sod to repair some of the yard, and maybe even encourage people to actually go the speed limit when trying to merge onto the highway :-) ….. Right now I have the standard cab, in a new truck I would get the crew cab so we could share the burden of running chores more among our two vehicles. But, the main reason for needing a backseat is to make room for baby. Which finally leads me to my point, why get a new truck, when the old one runs fine? I feel guarded against committing to new debt when the end cost of the infertility path is unknown. I feel like there is no need to have a backseat until a baby is actually here. There is guilt associated with planning a vacation because you might not be pregnant and you might miss a cycle because you are out of town, especially if your cycles are irregular and missing one means waiting an additional 3 months. There are big projects at home like a bathroom makeover and landscaping that have been neglected as we focus attention and resources on getting pregnant. A job is just a job, not a career, because my vision has become so short sighted, nearly cycle to cycle most of the time. I don’t see the future anymore, any vision I had of the future has changed or been forgotten through this whole experience. Everything is secondary to getting pregnant and having a baby. Looking ahead into the future is hard, planning is hard, moving forward is hard, it’s as if nothing else matters and the future can’t be planned, until your baby is here or you have exhausted your means trying. Until then, time stands still.

I don't get it

Work has been so crazy this is my first opportunity to update regarding the IUI. I have been working all the time. The IUI went on thursday morning & that's about all I can say about it. I messed up the appt time by 15 min so we were late. That menat we were taken in last. But that was the least of the problems then.

We get to the RE office & we go to the collecton lab. The place is about as big as a cubicle. We walked in & there is a women in there with a stroller & an infant!!!! I couldn't even beleive it. What the fuck was she doing there? And with an infant in a stroller at that!!! Well as Rich is updating his info, 2 other couples show up. Fianlly she realizes that she needs to get the hell out of there. I "kindly" hold the door open for her as she leaves. I knew I couldn't let it upset me as we had a job to do in the back room. I knew we would have a blow up session later. We go out to the car for breakfast & I let it go. I am mad & swearing at her and the fact that she alreayd has a baby, why is she there again already? She probably can't take care of that one since she obviously can't find a sitter. Anyway I finally calm down. Maybe her significant other is just "donating" & they aren't trying for anything again.

So we get back from breakfast and go into the RE office 15 min late, althoguh I don't realize it until later. Well guess who is already in the waiting room. The happy little family. So she is there to get an IUI as well. So unfair!! I can't even beleive it! While we are waiting the baby is crying, betaing her feet on the stroller & jsut being a baby. But to us & the other couples in the waiting room it was like nails on a chalkboard. I saw the other couple as they were trying to get the baby back in the stroller & get it manuevered around the waiting room & back to an exam room. As we go back to the exam room, waht do you think I hear? A baby crying. I wish they had a sign up at the office asking people nto to bring their babies. I wish they had realized how much it hurts the rest of us to see them there. Why didn't they just take turns & wait in the hallway if they didn't have a sitter? This wasn't an inspiration or full of hope. This felt like a rub it in the face. I hope if we are lucky enough to have any babies, that I never forget where I have come from. I would be more than happy for poeple to remind me if I need it.

I don't have any hope of this IUI working. Please don't try & encourage us either. I have been so stressed out about work that I am sure I don't have a hospitatable environment in my uterus right now. We are already planning for the next cycle. Althoguh the 2 times I thoguht it didn't work & acted like things were a mess, it did work. I forgot abotu that.

How Appropriate!

You Should Own a Husky

Athletic, free-spirited, and perfect for cuddling

What Kind of Dog Should You Have?

I already have 2 huskies so I don't think I need anymore!!! Especially ones that still smell like skunk.

Big Things - Little Things

Little things amaze me, big things don’t faze me. This popped into my head the other day and I immediately thought "blog material". I was thinking about all the little things that happen and make me think, wow that’s really cool. Then I thought about big things that happen that I don’t usually think twice about. Why don’t I think twice about them? What I have decided is that many of the things that we think are big and/or important aren’t really, that is why they don’t faze us. And the little things that amaze us, like dropping something and having it land on edge, really aren’t little things. The odds of something landing on edge are very small, and by shear luck, coincidence, or divine intervention, all the factors necessary for that little thing to happen were present. Then to top it all off, you were there in the right place at the right time to witness it. I’m hoping an amazing little thing happens very soon.

My babies daddy

Rich you have got to quit making me cry at work. The rumors are going to start flying around again :-)

I am so proud of you for coming to your own conclusion & really thinking about it with your heart & your head. I am glad that the decision has been made & you will never have to prove it to anyone. You are BB & Autumn's daddy. It is so nice to be able to say that now & not worry about offending you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the blog too. I know it takes a lot, but I appreciate it so much. I am so lucky to have such open communication with you & have you beside me through anything. I am so glad to be on this roller coaster ride with you.

Am I am Parent – Part 8 (The End)

Someone asked, does it feel good to consider yourself a parent? Yes it does feel good, and it feels much better than uncertainty and indecision. She also said, “You don’t have to justify it for it to be true.” And I am choosing to believe that too. I like her easy answer: You just decide. So, here I am, I’m a parent, and I don’t have to prove it to anyone.

I do my own injections

Except for tonight though. Rich has to do the HCG since it goes in the butt. I have been doing the Rep.ronex for the past 3 days on my own in my stomach. The first night was hard, but I got back into the swing of things. Even doing my shot during Skyler's skunk spray bath was ok.

Follie check today was good: 2 on the right, 21mm and 17mm. Lining was 7.4mm & nurse said anything over 7 was good. Estrogen was 118. I don't know how that is, but I guess it is good. Trigger shot tonight & IUI Thursday morning. The second HCG shot will be on Sunday. We will see how that goes.

We went to the pet shop tonight for skunk spray remover & some other pet supplies. There were 2 Chinese lizards in a case there. They were humping on a rock. I wanted to take a picture, but Rich interrupted them. The lizards aren't the only ones humping tonight!! (Rich didn't want me to put that!!!)

Am I a parent – Part 7b

This one was getting long so I had to break it up. Getting back to the point, ceremonial items are very good, they give us records and mementos, something to look back at forever after the moment has passed. We have funeral ceremonies, but people get to make arrangements. I guess what shocked me the most is that I could get blindsided by having the ceremony the hospital chooses forced on me, instead of honoring and remembering the moment, and the little one in my own way. Why not a birth certificate? Why not certify the start, the birth, the moment the little one came into the world? Is the birth not as real as the death? In the case of a miscarriage, you know exactly when the birth happened, most IFers even pretty much know when conception happened, but when do you assign the time of death? Is it odd that I can accept that death can occur before birth, or that birth is equally if not more worthy of certification than death?

Anyway, back to “Am I a parent?” After discussing this topic with Jennifer, upsetting her with my initial views, and lying in bed for a few moments, a whole new realization swept over me, it sank in. I sprung up, grabbed a pen and paper and started making notes. I was pissed off. Where are my death certificates? Who is anyone to decide that a 22 week old pregnancy is any more of a person or life, any more worthy of records and certification, than my 10-12 week olds? As I made notes, tears came to my eyes. In these moments, I was not sad for myself, I was not sad for Jennifer, I was genuinely sad that BB and Autumn had been treated as less of a person than others. It wasn’t right, and the sadness, jealousy, and hurt I felt for them, acting as if I was protective of their feelings, and feeling their equal existence to others, that was a clear instance of caring for others (see definition of parent above), and there was no confusion as to who I was caring for. It was not Jennifer, and it was not me. It was BB and Autumn. It was not the certificate itself that has enlightened me, it was the way that such a situation could make me feel, that I felt injustice. That I could feel so strongly for them, that I could care for them as if they had feelings, that I had a passionate sense of protection toward them, that tells me something. It tells me that Jennifer is right. Although I cannot wrap my mind around the notion of being a parent, my heart has always been able to.

Am I a parent – Part 7a

When I started this blog topic I wasn’t sure where it was going to go, but it was too seek out other views and opinions and to stimulate thought in hopes of enriching my own. Thank you to everyone that has commented. Jennifer is convinced that deep down I want to be a parent. Of course I do, but what she means is that deep down I want to believe that I am already a parent. Then she told me about something that might actually have gotten to me in a way that made me realize that too. She asked me about a still birth. If she had to deliver the not alive baby, then we held it and had pictures taken, would I consider myself a parent. First of all, I had no idea there would be holding and pictures in this situation. Keep in mind since this is all new information to me, it is going to take some getting used to. It weirds me out to think about having my picture taken with a dead body. It’s good that I know about that now, instead of the doctor trying to hand it to me and my reaction possibly being one of “What the hell?” but even knowing what to expect, I’m still not feeling comfortable with the idea yet. Hopefully I will never have to find out. Then, Jennifer asked me, who would I list on the death certificate as the father? WHAT? THEY DO THAT TOO? But I haven’t decided that I am a parent yet, how can they just force that on me? Has society made up my mind for me? So, being the ever thinking person that I am, I asked about a birth certificate. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ISN’T A BIRTH CERTIFICATE? How can you have a death certificate and not a birth certificate? My whole world is getting turned upside down now. How can you finish something you didn’t start? Why are you recording the end of a life that you didn’t record the start of? Then I found out that it isn’t an official county vital records type of certificate. My first reaction to that was ok, this is all just ceremonial. It’s like the wall of Gaylord – (Meet the Fockers). They don’t give trophies for 10^th place. This reaction makes me realize something else. I had these thoughts because I see all the infertility challenges as something thus far I have failed at. Jennifer likes to remind me that for the most part things work out or come easy for me, until now. With IF, I have not been successful, I have not completed the task. I don’t want a grade before my assignment is complete. I don’t want a certificate before I cross the finish line. I even start to take it personally inside when I can’t do or understand something, and that usually just drives me harder. I haven’t finished the job.

Happy Birthday BB!!

Do you ever feel like the world is going on without you? Or that your life is just functioning without you really participating? I am really starting to get that feeling more every day this cycle. I do the shots because I have to, even in the middle of giving Skyler a tomato sauce bath. It is almost like I am looking on the outside. It doesn’t even feel right or normal. I know it isn’t normal, but this should be normal for me.

I don’t think it is normal to have to visit a memorial for you angel’s first birthday. Instead of having a huge birthday party & cleaning up smashed cake, we went to the angel memorial. I would have rather been planning a birthday party. We have been there before in December for the D&C anniversary for BB, but this was the first time going for Autumn. It was a beautiful day & the flowers planted around are so pretty. We took 2 teddy bears to leave. I actually had a hard time leaving them there. It felt like I was leaving BB & Autumn or maybe I was just afraid because I felt I was leaving a piece of me behind as well. I was smart enough to take a picture with my cell phone before we left. It is such an emotional trip, but so therapeutic as well. I told Rich that I wanted this to be the last time I came there for someone new. I will come there with my live children, but I am done having to greave for lost ones. I am ready for this to be our turn, our time. I think it is only fair. It seems everyone else already got their chance, it is time for us to be parents of live babies.

Happy First Birthday Baby Burns!!! We love you & miss you!

Am I a Parent - Part 6

Maybe there is no exact moment in time, maybe there is not a list of experiences that can define being a parent. Can the dictionary help? If you ask me, I have heard of people that have children that I would not really consider to be a parent. I have heard of people who do not have children that maybe I would consider to be a parent. Common theme above, “have children”.

One way to look at this is in the purest technical sense there is, something I am very comfortable with. I just wanted to look up the word parent, but you will notice that I had to look up several words because the dictionary uses words that are too big for me so I had to learn what they mean too, begets and progeny. Then they started defining words circularly so I guess that means it's time to stop with the dictionary. Progeny = Offspring, Offspring = Progeny, thanks dictionary.

Parent - 1. One that begets or brings forth offspring. 2. One that brings up or cares for another.
Beget - To become the father of.
Offspring - Progeny, Young
Progeny - Offspring, children, descendants
Descendant - Proceeding from an ancestor or source

So, to be a parent is to become the father of. Hmmmm, not a lot of help there although we could start a whole new series about whether there is a difference between a male parent and a father, maybe I am one and not the other. Or, To be a parent is to bring up, or care for another. No real clarity here either. Did I become a father? I don't know. Did I meet the criteria? Is there criteria? Did I care for another? Yes, I most certainly cared for Jennifer. I care for her everyday, and have for a very long time. But I cared for her differently during the pregnancies. It wasn't that my actions were really different or that I did anything I wouldn't have otherwise, but I felt different. For example, I felt more discomfort and more concern when she would vomit, it never really bothered me much during regular illness, and I felt more excitement and anticipation when I watched her happiness, or when I saw that pregnancy glow. I've always heard about the glow, but never really saw it until it was Jennifer that was pregnant. But then again, I miss a lot of things because I'm not very aware of my surroundings. So were these changes in my feelings a different kind of or increased caring for Jennifer, or was I caring for BB and Little Burns/Autumn? If I was caring for them, then perhaps this is the first notion that I could be a parent.

And how was your weekend?

So usually on Sunday night, the routine is to get clothes out for tomorrow, make sure we have stuff for lunch, maybe do some reading & basically just relax & gear up for the week ahead. Well, at 10:00 tonight Rich was sitting on the couch reading blogs when he said he smelled something in the house. Then he asked me where Skyler was. That smell that he was asking about . . . SKUNK!!!!!! So at 10:30 on Sunday we are looking like the local rednecks with the dog tied up in the front yard, the floodlights on & we are hosing & tomato juicing the dog. Great way to end the weekend & in the middle of all this I have to give myself my shot. Here are some photos from the great skunk stenchout of 2007.

For anyone keeping score, this summer is dogs 3, critters 1.

Am I a parent - Part 5

More engineer line of thinking. Pregnancy is like the manufacturing process of a human. Instructions are being carried out, parts are being built, and little by little the ball of cells starts to look like the finished product. Yes, I am exploring this from as many angles as I can come up with. So, when is a car, a car? Is a rolling chassis without an engine a car? Is a fully assembled engine that can be started a car if it does not rest on a frame or it is not surrounded by a body? When is the manufacturing process complete, or complete enough that the manufactured item can be considered to be what it is intended to be. Yes, I know we are talking about human beings, or life, and not an inanimate assembly of parts. But, what is life? Is it a beating heart? Is it breath? Is it autonomous thought? Is it mobility, freedom, the ability to carry out action? When does it begin, when does it end? All very tough questions. What about life support? Is that body that can't pump its own blood or inhale its own oxygen still alive? Is limited brain activity or vegetative state thought of or classified differently if it is occurring in an adult as opposed to a work in progress? Is a pregnant woman analogous to a life support machine to the developing human? Does it make a difference if the rate of change in health is positive vs. negative? Yes, I think this should matter if anything matters. There is a clear difference between a healthy developing or developed human and the terminally injured or ill human. One's all potential, and the other has little to none. Yet, to rank and stratify life doesn't feel right either. Sure there is triage, and "Women and children first", but that doesn't apply to this argument.

When is assembly complete? Clearly it is not full term, not in the 9 months sense, but maybe in a developmental sense. But even then, development (manufacturing) can continue after birth. Is “complete” the time when you can remove it from the process and it can finish on its own, like the roast that you remove from the oven, and it will finish baking as it rests. Certainly mothers and fathers of premies are parents and there is no disputing that. But what if you reach a point in the pregnancy, where it is common for premies to be born and then loose the pregnancy? Now am I a parent?

Am I a Parent - Part 4 (Humor Break)

I'm sure that lawyers would have plenty of input regarding this matter.

From the script of Legally Blond:

73 INT. CRIMINAL LAW CLASS - DAY

"THE STATE V. LATIMER" is written on the board. A pony-tailed, less made-up Elle takes notes on her lap-top, as Warner makes an argument.

WARNER: According to Swinney v. Neubert, Swinney, who was also a private sperm donor, was allowed visitation rights as long as he came to terms with the hours set forth by the parents. So, if we're sticking to past precedent, Mr. Latimer wasn't stalking -- he was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation.

PROFESSOR DONOVAN: But Swinney was a one-time sperm donor, and in our case, the defendant was a habitual sperm donor, who also happens to be harassing the parents in his quest for visitation.

WARNER: But , without this man's sperm --the child in question would not exist.

He grins and looks around as the class murmurs their agreement.

PROFESSOR DONOVAN: Now you're thinking like a lawyer.

EMMETT enters from the back, holding a file. He stands there quietly, watching. Elle tentatively raises her hand.

PROFESSOR DONOVAN: Ms. Woods?

Sarah looks at Claire.

SARAH: (sotto) The idiot speaks.

ELLE: Although Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point, I have to wonder if the defendant kept a thorough record of each sperm emission made throughout his life?

The class titters. Elle grows annoyed.

PROFESSOR DONOVAN: (bemused) Why do you ask?

Elle's hesitancy is replaced by conviction.

ELLE: Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every single one-night-stand to determine if a child resulted in those unions -- then he has no parental claim whatsoever over this child. Why this sperm ? Why now?

Emmett's mouth twitches into a smile.

For that matter, all masturbatory emissions where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be termed reckless abandonment.

Warner's mouth hangs open. As does Sarah's and the rest of he class. Donovan smiles.

PROFESSOR DONOVAN: I believe you've just won your case.

Elle grins.

Fe.mara and I are not friends

Last night was a rough night for me. I was shivering non-stop and couldn’t get warm. I am also having a lot of muscle & joint weakness. I certainly feel for women who have to take Fe.mara for breast cancer. It is a chemotherapy agent, but it seems to have success with women who have PCOS in helping them ovulate. I have been exhausted non-stop the past couple days. I don’t want to do this again. Hopefully I won’t have to worry about that choice, but in case I do, I don’t want Fe.mara anymore.

I got my box of meds today. Shots start tomorrow. I am doing 2 HC.G shots this time. 2nd will be 5 days after IUI. The nurse said it was due to my levels last time being low & wanting to boost my hormones to try & help with miscarriage. Have any of you heard of this or had this done? Nurse said Dr. B wrote that on my last Clomid cycle, but didn’t tell me about it for the injectable cycle that worked. Kind of made me mad that they didn’t tell me. I don’t think it would have helped due to the blood clotting stuff, but still makes me wonder. I guess they have had good success with this as well.

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about how I am so calm & cautious this cycle. I am not getting my hopes up & I am not even anxious or excited. She said I am just protecting myself. I think I am protecting myself for either scenario to play out; a failed cycle or a pregnancy. I told her it was crazy that I just ingested chemo drugs like it was no big deal. She said I am just following the plan, protecting myself. I certainly hope that is it & not that I have become numb to the whole ordeal. It is scary that I have become all logically about this cycle. This is just not me. I don’t feel like me at all right now. Maybe I made the wrong decision.

Rich, you need to post the last part of the am I a parent series & then you will get some comment love :-) I have already read it & it ripped my heart out. I am so proud of you for posting on the blog!!! There, that is my comment to you.

Am I a Parent - Part 3

I'm an engineer. I'm a very scientific person. I like things to be tangible and explained. I like 2+2=4, and I hate floating point precision issues that say otherwise, (some of you will feel my pain, what do you mean (x+1)^2 is not equal to x^2+2x+1?). I like measurements and evidence, that is how we learn, that is why we can do all that we can do today. Measurements and evidence are what resulted in the discovery of the wonderful fertility treatments available to us. Yet, despite measurements and evidence, science has been wrong before. And despite measurements and evidence, there are still things yet to be measured, and still things yet to be discovered. Which leads me to one of my favorite quotes; "Absence of evidence, is not evidence of absence". I have no citation or credit to give, I just read it somewhere and it stuck with me. Just because I have yet to find tangible measurable evidence that I am a parent, doesn't mean that I am not. Nothing has proven the contrary. Just because I did not witness a birth, I did not hear a newborn scream, I don't have a baby to hold, a child to nurture and teach right from wrong, just because I haven't had a diaper blow up on me, a history of sleepless nights, or a completely new daily routine and social schedule, more financial responsibility, a new list of chores at home, doesn't mean I am not a parent. All of the activities that I would associate with being a parent, my entire realm of experience of what a parent is and does, I have not experienced. Yet, the absence of all those things is not evidence that I am not a parent. So I continue with indecision.

WTF are people thinking?

This is one of my promised posts.

Since it isn’t like we advertise to strangers that we are trying to have a baby, we don’t get the stupid comments very often. When we do, they really are doozies. This one was probably the worst so far. I actually had to just leave & end the conversation since I don’t trust my mouth to listen to my head in this situation.

Rich & I went to have medical info & labs done for new life insurance. I was not looking forward to this because I knew what I would have to tell. I don’t really think it is any of the life insurance companies business about the IF stuff, but since it was surgery it was listed. I also had to list meds I am on. Since I am on meds that are usually used for one thing & I use them for a different purpose I always get more questions.

Anyway so since I do have small veins & they always have problems, I told our representative that I was not thrilled about this & why. Last time we did blood work for insurance, they came to our house & I still had to go to a lab because it is just too hard. I try to drink lots of water before hand, but it just doesn’t work. Anyway, so I decided to make the appt at their office. I am not comfortable doing this in our house anyway, besides the fact that I am not, nor never will be, a domestic goddess. So our rep promises me they will get someone skilled in taking blood for people who have a hard time.

We get to the office & meet the person. We go thru the whole medical questionnaire. It takes longer for me because of the history. I tell her that I am on Ac.tos & Met.formin for the PCOS. I tell her about the multiple miscarriages, the anti-phospholipid syndrome diagnosis, the IF treatments. We talk about my depre.ssive dis.order diagnosis, the therapist I am seeing for this. So this lady knows the history at this point. She also knows I am nervous about the blood draw because of all of the ones I have had the past 3.5 yrs. I have one really good vein that they can usually use with the butterfly needle. She tells me that she took us because she is good at it. Bullshit!!! She was bad! I am an expert on blood being taken from me so I know. I told Rich she was bad & he even had a problem with her.

So that is finally over & we are getting ready to leave. She wishes us luck on trying to have a baby. This is where she should have ended it. But she decides to keep on opening her mouth. She tells us that we need to stop trying so hard to have a baby & it will happen. She then tells us about her mother who tried for 7 yrs, adopted her brother. Unfortunately I see where this is going, but can’t stop the train wreck before it happens. She proceeds to let us know that her mother then ended up pregnant naturally with her other brother so they are less than a year apart. Then 7 yrs later she was born. This person then states that we should just adopt & then we will get pregnant. At that point I grab Rich & say Thanks & get out the door. If I would have stayed in there 1 minute longer she would have gotten a piece of my mind. Luckily I had a meeting to get too.

The 2 cardinal rules of things not to say to an infertile are:
1. Relax & it will happen or stop trying.
2. Just adopt & you’ll get pregnant.

WTF was she thinking saying these things to a stranger? Especially one who just poured out about the IF medical struggles & the miscarriages. I realize that she thought she was trying to help, but come on. What happened to don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say? Maybe I am just more sensitive to this because we are not on that road yet. We are not ready for adoption because we haven’t exhausted all natural avenues. We are not ready to stop trying with assistance. I think people just don’t think about what they say before they say it. Maybe it is time for me to step up to the plate & hit one out of the park next time I get a stupid comment? I know I have lots of years of frustration & hurt pent up inside. I think it’s time to step-up for all of the IF girls & boys who are still getting hurt from all of the comments, while may be well intentioned, just aren’t the best thing to say to us.

Am I am Parent? - Part 2

I mean no disrespect to other people or my own losses, I still mourn the losses. I am sad, and I will have the memories forever. But am I a parent? Do people who loose infants, toddlers, teens, or even adult children still celebrate mother's day and father's day? Maybe celebrate isn't the right word. I have no doubt they remember their child, mourn the loss of their child, visit the grave site or memorial, but are they still a parent? Once a mother/father, always a mother/father? This is not a stretch for me to believe or accept. I think once you are a mother or a father, you are always a mother or a father. My struggle is where in time that point is. This opens a whole new can of worms, including religion and all the abortion debate, ugh. I want to try to avoid such heated topics that will only make this decision more difficult, we will see if that is possible. Everyone has beliefs, but beliefs can change. That is what I am reaching out for here, the possibility that fumbling through my own thoughts, or other peoples' thoughts and comments will shine a new light on things for me.

Am I a Parent? - Part 1a

Speaking of Hallmark, do “Mom/Dad to Be” cards offend anyone? What about the term expectant mother? I mean, aren’t you already or not?

Am I a Parent? - Part 1

The following will be the start of a multi-part series, the start of which I have drafted already as I have stewed on my thoughts but it is way more than I think anyone's attention span, including my own, can handle in one big chunk. I think it is going to get deep at times, and be light at times. I hope to stimulate thought, invoke comments, and learn something along the way.

For sake of not repeating things and trying to keep this as short as possible I will not tell the whole story again. To summarize, we have been pregnant twice and lost the pregnancy twice. I think becoming pregnant or finding out your wife is pregnant is an exciting moment in anyone's life. Reality is that not everyone is happy about it when it happens, but it is definitely an exciting moment. For those of us that try so long and work so hard, it is both a very exciting and a very happy moment. The first positive test Jennifer got, I was still laying in bed when she came to tell me about it. I was so excited when she told me that all I could say over and over was, "Show me, Show me." We were very excited and some may say we went off the deep end about it. We had a nickname whenever we talked about it, BB, for Baby Burns. Stores that sold baby items suddenly experienced a huge increase in gravity because we were constantly attracted to them, stopping, looking, and buying. I was so excited I was just plain goofy. I would rub Jennifer's belly and say things like there's a baby in there with a huge uncontrollable smile on my face. The excitement ruled my emotions and my judgment. Go to the store and spend more money, sure why not, we are having a baby. Is there any reason to be mad or unhappy about anything, no, we're having a baby. It was like being drunk constantly. Nothing could bring me down. But then something did. We went for an ultrasound appointment to check the heartbeat, only thing is, there wasn't one anymore. Nearly 12 weeks on an endless high, Christmas is just days away, we have decided to tell our families, and then it's gone, all gone. I don't know how to relate this to anything else. It's not like you parents promising you a car when you turn 16 and then not getting you one, yeah that sucks, but you get over it. I don't know that you ever get over a loss like this. We got pregnant again, but the second time, we were cautious, at least I was. I wanted to get excited, but I wanted to protect myself from the crash should it happen again. I was torn between being happy-go-lucky and enjoy the moment now while it is here, and suppressing the joy and excitement until a baby was actually in my arms. I ended up somewhere in the middle, not near one extreme or the other. And so the story goes, we lost that pregnancy too.

The losses hurt. It's your lifelong dream, how you've always seen your future, and basic instinct to have children. They hurt because you get so attached to something you can't even see, hear, or touch. Modern technology can give you indirect sight, and artificial sound, but you become totally attached to something so tiny you would never notice it otherwise. The unknown hurts. Why did this happen, I thought this was it, will it ever work? How can medicine work out all the hormone interactions, practically guarantee you a boy or girl if you so desire, fertilize an egg outside of the body, put it back into the body and have it develop, but not be able to explain something they tell you AFTER THE FACT is as common as 1 in 3 to 1 in 4 pregnancies. I know not all losses happen for the same reason, but if humans are so inefficient at reproduction, why doesn't anyone tell us in the first place? Why do they scare the hell out of you in health class and leave you with the impression that if you so much as point your thing at her thing she could get pregnant? They don't tell you that you're limited to a tiny window of opportunity each month. Sorry, there I go off topic. Seeing your wife hurt, and not being able to help hurts. Hurting together helps some, but it still hurts to see the one you love hurt emotionally and physically at the same time.

Anyway, "Am I a parent?" may sound insensitive to some. To some it is a no brainer, to many it is a clear YES. To some maybe a clear NO. To me, it's not clear. Part of me wants to be a parent, and wants to accept that I am a parent. But am I, or is that day yet to come? Part of me wants to believe I am not a parent yet, because maybe believing that now will take away from the future moment when I hold my kicking screaming squirming child for the first time. Part of me wants to believe that I am a parent because Jennifer and I have a disconnect on this topic. Maybe it is a man/woman difference, maybe she has a broader knowledge and experience base to support her opinion. Although I don’t like the stereotype, maybe it is engineer mentality. Hopefully through this series of writings, whatever course it takes, I will find out. But I can't just accept it, I need to convince myself or hear or read something that turns on that light bulb, to be convinced. I am keeping an open mind about this, but I don't think a day is a holiday just because Hallmark makes a card for it. Greedy little.......anyway, to be continued.....

Here we go again

Well, we are on for this month. Had the cyst check & blood test to make sure I am not pregnant. That was hilarious!!! At least insurance will pay for it. I have really small veins, but my favorite nurse did the blood draw this morning. It went fine, especially compared to the blood draw for the life insurance we did last week. That is a post for another time though.

I will start Fe.mara tonight for 5 days. I need to research it, but I think it will be ok. It is supposed to be not as nasty with side effects as Clo.mid which will make Rich very happy. Then I will be on Re.pronex shots for at least 4 days.

I am very nervous & almost chickened out of doing this cycle. I am very nervous!!! Rich said he felt better as soon as we made a decision to go ahead, but I think I am coming around to the idea.

I did have a pleasant surprise this morning at the RE office. I know, I was shocked too. I got a wanding & a needle & a pleasant surprise. I only had to pay our co-pay this morning. I was surprised, but I figured it was ok. Hey, we have given them enough money so far, maybe we get a break now. Yea right. So I got to hell (oops I meant work) & decided to look up the codes on my sheet. The lab work was for an unconfirmed pregnancy (that just cracks me up). The other for the wanding was a different code then it used to be. So I looked it up. I am very sorry I did, it is a bad code. It is for habitual abo.rter w/o current pregnancy. Talk about a punch to the gut. I just don’t get it. I do not want to be known by this code. My insurance company knows that I have lost babies, why can’t they call it something nicer. I understand they need the codes to bill, but seriously that is just awful. And it rubbed it in more to see w/o current pregnancy after it. Let’s just turn the knife a little tighter in the wound. I think the word habitual really bothers me as well. It’s not as if this was a habit I wanted or that I knew about. It’s not as if I don’t want to break this habit. I think this whole terminology thing sucks & they need something new. How about: will be an emotional basket case for any subsequent pregnancies or will never be comfortable with pregnancy until a live birth? Or there is; please understand I will not be my normal self until the baby is born healthy? My personal favorite is: I will never be in my right mind again until my wish comes true.

Pros & Cons

Per request & to helpfully help me out some:

Pros & Cons of doing treatment cycle now

Pros
28 days younger
Possibility of success
Another data point either way (this one is from my engineer)
One step closer to whatever will be
Pregnant friend(s) to go thru this with
Finally moving on & not at stand still
Real possiblity of a baby with treatments
Getting Pregnant

Cons
Possibility of failed cycle
Possibility of another loss
Stress of worrying about
Becoming a human pin cushion again
Still at bad place, possibility of good new place (Rich's one, I don't understand it)
Getting Pregnant

I think the biggest problem Rich & I are both having is fear. As you can see since getting pregnant is under both. The fear won’t go away no matter how positive I try to be or how much good news we get. 98% of me is ready to get moving & do something proactive towards getting pregnant. That other 2% has a really loud voice though. I am scared of things working out & getting pregnant again. I think we have been having such a good time as the two of us, I don’t want to loose that either. But I want to have a family as well to have fun with. THIS SUCKS!!!!! I so didn’t feel like this last time. Last time I was chomping at the bit, ready before the 5 month waiting period. This time I have been given an earlier pass & I can’t get out of the line. OK, please someone talk some sense into us!!! Are we being ridiculous & need to quit being chicken shits? Or should we really wait?

So much to say, so much to say....

I have lots of posts wandering around in my head, but I have too much anger right now to think straight. These are some possible posts to look forward to: (Also this will remind me later what I wanted to say)

WTF are strangers thinking?
How long do we put our life on hold?
Should I let you all vote if we should cycle this month since I can't make up my f*cking mind?
Why can't it be like cabbage patch kids or the stork?

OK I am off to do some appletini shots.

Food science and doctor rant

Time for a new post, what can I talk about? Hmmmmm. I know, let's talk about doctors. Ever since I was a little kid, I always enjoyed going to the dentist, but never wanted to go to the doctor. Why could that be? Most people probably think that is weird, a kid liking the dentist, since a dentist makes you uncomfortable and puts things that don't taste very good in your mouth and doctors make you feel better when you are sick and uncomfortable. Well one, I have a big mouth and two, I have never had a cavity so that might be part of it. But I think I have it figured out and it doesn't have to do with either of the above. We all have to go to the doctor, and some of you work for doctors, so I'm sure everyone can relate to this. Why do they make appointments? My dentist was always on time, and I really like the way my teeth feel after my cleaning visit. I find that new Colgate commercial intriguing, but I doubt it can really live up to the claim of making your mouth feel like you just came from the dentist. That makes me think of something else, who out there is a food or science person that can tell me this? Why after eating a banana does it feel like I have crap stuck all over my teeth? Anyway, the doctor I went to as a kid made appointments but then had a sign-in pad and went in that order of names on the list so getting there at your appointed time and putting your name on the list meant that is when you got in line, not when you were called back. I'm much better about going to the doctor now since she has always been on time for my appointments and has been right on with her diagnosis every time. Pretty much down to the day your symptoms will vanish and you will feel better. I'm very impressed. But, accompanying Jennifer to OB and RE appointments, I have discovered the concept of time my family doctor has is rare. OK, the RE isn't too bad and I really like their policy of canceling the appointment if the patient is late without notifying the office first, and I appreciate a personal touch and taking the time each patient needs, but build that into the schedule, how long have you been practicing, how often do you get to eat lunch or close the office on time? And, when you are the first appointment of the day, what's the excuse then? Lastly, if you are a man, have you ever tried to entertain yourself with the magazines they keep in the waiting room? Do what I do and bring your own.