Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Am I a parent – Part 7a

When I started this blog topic I wasn’t sure where it was going to go, but it was too seek out other views and opinions and to stimulate thought in hopes of enriching my own. Thank you to everyone that has commented. Jennifer is convinced that deep down I want to be a parent. Of course I do, but what she means is that deep down I want to believe that I am already a parent. Then she told me about something that might actually have gotten to me in a way that made me realize that too. She asked me about a still birth. If she had to deliver the not alive baby, then we held it and had pictures taken, would I consider myself a parent. First of all, I had no idea there would be holding and pictures in this situation. Keep in mind since this is all new information to me, it is going to take some getting used to. It weirds me out to think about having my picture taken with a dead body. It’s good that I know about that now, instead of the doctor trying to hand it to me and my reaction possibly being one of “What the hell?” but even knowing what to expect, I’m still not feeling comfortable with the idea yet. Hopefully I will never have to find out. Then, Jennifer asked me, who would I list on the death certificate as the father? WHAT? THEY DO THAT TOO? But I haven’t decided that I am a parent yet, how can they just force that on me? Has society made up my mind for me? So, being the ever thinking person that I am, I asked about a birth certificate. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ISN’T A BIRTH CERTIFICATE? How can you have a death certificate and not a birth certificate? My whole world is getting turned upside down now. How can you finish something you didn’t start? Why are you recording the end of a life that you didn’t record the start of? Then I found out that it isn’t an official county vital records type of certificate. My first reaction to that was ok, this is all just ceremonial. It’s like the wall of Gaylord – (Meet the Fockers). They don’t give trophies for 10th place. This reaction makes me realize something else. I had these thoughts because I see all the infertility challenges as something thus far I have failed at. Jennifer likes to remind me that for the most part things work out or come easy for me, until now. With IF, I have not been successful, I have not completed the task. I don’t want a grade before my assignment is complete. I don’t want a certificate before I cross the finish line. I even start to take it personally inside when I can’t do or understand something, and that usually just drives me harder. I haven’t finished the job.

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