willpower and wishes

I have absolutely no willpower lately. I don’t know what happened to me, but I just can’t say no anymore. I lost 30 lbs in 4 months. I have gained back 6 lbs in weeks. And I don’t even care really. I need to get the weight back off so my new clothes fit & it will help if we do conceive a baby. It’s like I just can’t resist the sweets & treats of summer. I just had a mini chocolate donut from the kitchen. I didn’t need it & I wasn’t hungry, but it was there & I ate it. I need to get back on the low carb diet sooner as opposed to later, but I am just not motivated anymore. I was motivated when I was told it might help me conceive. Even the whole “You’ll live longer” threat isn’t working this time. I wish I knew what happened to me in the past few weeks.

I also have no willpower to quit POAS. I keep telling myself it is to see when the HCG is out of my system. They are only $1.00 each so I don’t feel bad about it. Truthfully, I like to see the line & just hope, think & wish that it was the real line for me. Today I did one again this morning. The line is extremely faint, I think. Others probably wouldn’t even be able to see it. I think it is like my connection with hope. As long as I keep seeing that line, maybe a pregnancy is a possibility again. I am so nervous & scared for either result now.

I wish I knew already. I wish things were easier. I wish that my emotions didn’t always get in the way. I wish I could be happier. I wish for a baby. I really hope the shooting star worked it's magic again.