Do you ever feel like the world is going on without you? Or that your life is just functioning without you really participating? I am really starting to get that feeling more every day this cycle. I do the shots because I have to, even in the middle of giving Skyler a tomato sauce bath. It is almost like I am looking on the outside. It doesn’t even feel right or normal. I know it isn’t normal, but this should be normal for me.
I don’t think it is normal to have to visit a memorial for you angel’s first birthday. Instead of having a huge birthday party & cleaning up smashed cake, we went to the angel memorial. I would have rather been planning a birthday party. We have been there before in December for the D&C anniversary for BB, but this was the first time going for Autumn. It was a beautiful day & the flowers planted around are so pretty. We took 2 teddy bears to leave. I actually had a hard time leaving them there. It felt like I was leaving BB & Autumn or maybe I was just afraid because I felt I was leaving a piece of me behind as well. I was smart enough to take a picture with my cell phone before we left. It is such an emotional trip, but so therapeutic as well. I told Rich that I wanted this to be the last time I came there for someone new. I will come there with my live children, but I am done having to greave for lost ones. I am ready for this to be our turn, our time. I think it is only fair. It seems everyone else already got their chance, it is time for us to be parents of live babies.
Happy First Birthday Baby Burns!!! We love you & miss you!