Future Musician??

I don't know if it is coincidence or that Cletus really can hear what is going on outside of his cozy womb, but it seems like every time I am somewhere that music is playing he starts kicking me like crazy. He has pretty good taste so far so that is good. Although that is probably due some to my influence to what I listen to. I bought a baby MP3 player for him/Rich for Christmas and I put it on my lap to play it & he started to kick me. Then the other day driving home from work the radio was playing Rolling Stones and then Nickelback. He was kicking along, but went crazy with Nickelback. That's my boy!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year!! Rich is running a race tonight at 11:45pm. I will be cheering him on from the warmth of the house. I am so happy that 2008 will be the year we have our little one!!

Happy Holidays

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I am back to work today. Boo!!! Rich is still off so I hope he is enjoying his time today.

We had a pretty good holiday. The telling that Cletus is a boy went fairly well. Although I mist say I was disappointed that Rich’s family didn’t figure it out. Maybe it is because we told them we weren’t sure if we were going to find out. But we had to explain to them why the bibs were blue. Everyone was very excited. I didn’t make my mom want until the end; I gave her that present first. She ripped into it like you wouldn’t believe. People talk about me ripping open presents, but she had nothing on me yesterday. I think my family was very excited Cletus is a boy. Although my mom had bought boy & girl outfits she did talk about how cute the girl one was & how she looked for shoes to match. My sister also wrote him a poem which was so neat and so emotional!!

Well we didn’t get exactly what we wanted. I had wanted just Bab.ies.r.us GC this year. I want to go purchase the new nursery furniture soon. We got a couple, which will help us out. We also got a ton of stuff for Cletus. I think that my mom will be going crazy with boy stuff now that she knows. Cletus is going to be styling for sure.

Rich got me that new back massa.ger that is supposed to be like a real therapist. I hope it helps out. I will probably be trying it out after work today. I am not used to be being stuck in a chair for 8 hrs; it has been 4.5 days since I have had to do that.

Doing both of Rich’s family in one day went pretty well. It was just a long day for me. I started having a breakdown around 9:30 that night. We had been gone since 11:00 am and I knew there would be a big mess to come home to because it was just too long for our dogs. I was so tired and ready to go home, but the games and prizes weren’t over yet.

My parents bought a pack.n.play for their house for Cletus. It is pink and gray. It doesn’t really mater since he won’t know what color it is; I just thought it was funny. My dad & Rich did a test run of it to make sure all the parts were there and went together correctly. It was hilarious. Both of them decided they didn’t need the instructions and would just go off the picture. I took lots of pics of the work in progress. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. At least Rich has experience now putting one together and I think he had fun putting it together too. It was sort of weird thinking that that is for our baby and we will have something to put in there in April.

Cletus is definitely moving and kicking more and more every day. He has really started moving his limbs across my belly, kind of like in a dragging motion. That feels so bizarre!! That movement freaks me out a little when he does it. I put the TV remote on my belly the other night and you can see it move when he kicks. Rich hasn’t been able to feel him much lately. It never fails that when Rich puts his hand on my belly, Cletus stops kicking. Even if he has been kicking in the same spot for a few minutes. He just doesn’t want Rich to feel him moving around.

Overall, the holidays this year went pretty well. I can’t wait until next year for Cletus’ first Christmas!!!

Almost 2 years ago

It is so hard to believe it is this time of year again. Almost 2 years ago I had my first D&C and we lost BB. Then 1 yr ago we started on the cycle that we conceived Autumn. It hasn’t even been a year since I lost her. It is unreal that those angels moved into our lives and touched us like we could never imagine. I still think about them often, especially this time of year. Also whenever I see a child that age, it tears me up a little inside.

I am sure many people would think that I should be happy & let them go. I am 24 weeks pregnant with a viable, lively little boy who will be here in April. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy to have him in my life and my belly. But the loss of our angels doesn’t go away. The pain may subside and I may not think of them as often, but they will never be far from my heart or memory.

I have read stories of women who still have pain and sadness 20-30 years after a miscarriage. It really never does go away. I plan to tell Cletus about BB & Autumn when he is older. I want to be honest with him and tell him about the other two and what happened with us. Why we are older then the rest of his classmates’ parents. (UGH!!!) I want to be more honest with him in every way then I feel my parents were with me. I just recently found out that my parents were on the way to an adoption seminar when they found out they were pregnant with me!!!

Unfortunately due to the double family Christmas tomorrow, we won’t make it to the angel statute. Hopefully we will soon after though.

I think that this time of year and remembering BB is why I have been a crab and so emotional this week. I also have to go to the hospital to get my Hep.arin today which is bothering me as well. Same hospital and entrance as both D&Cs. In the back of my mind and on my calendar the reminder of BB is there. Still raw & real, but a little less painful this year.

100th post!!! A Christmas Wish for the Impossible

Are the holidays over yet? This year I was actually happy and excited for Christmas time. I haven’t fought with anyone shopping & have been pretty cheerful when thinking about the holidays coming up. One reason is that this is the last year we have to travel on Christmas Day. Next year it will be staying home all day and having an open house for family. Whoever comes comes. It won’t hurt our feelings if you don’t. Chances are we will have seen them anyway on a different day. Next year will be shopping for the new little one & first Christmas stuff.

This year was looking to be a good one as well. Immediate families for Rich’s Mom & Dad separately on the 22nd, 24th extended dad’s family and 25th my family. Getting it mostly over early is great. Then we can relax on the mornings of the big days and get ready for all the family stuff.

Then yesterday happened. We got all the 22nd stuff worked out early and we were excited. Then the crap happened. Rich’s step-mom threw a fit because we were doing his mom’s before hers & we would get there late. We have to be at his dad’s between 3 & 5, but no later than 5:00. I guess they are going to lock the door then & not let us in. Anyway, I think it is funny that this time of year Rich’s family throws fits about seeing us. The other 10 months of the year they seem to care less. Now I am sure once the baby is born, they will be all over us, but for now there doesn’t seem to be any care or concern for us. They only call or e-mail about a favor needed or a family party coming up. I know they care, but we are the responsible ones, so they tend to leave us alone. This is how we like it. That’s why next year is going to be such a shock for me. All of the sudden getting phone calls constantly & visits are going to drive me bananas. So anyway, our Christmas plans went from happy & simple to sucky & complicated in a few hours.

But I cannot leave the other half of the complex out either. My family is not being very happy this year either. I called with a time to come over for Christmas to my mom and she asked me if she had a choice. She does, but I knew that everyone but her has to go to work the next day. I was trying to make it earlier so that we could spend quite a few hours there and not have to leave so soon. Anyway she is just mad because I am making her wait to find out what Cletus is. None of our family knows except for my sister and Rich’s brother & wife who are due in March. Since we are both having boys we needed to talk about names & stuff. I told my mom I was making her wait for the very last present which will be a blue grandma bib from Cletus. She keeps telling my sister it sucks & is crabby with me. I may just give it to her first and get it over with. She is going to be upset it is a boy anyway. She had already given Cletus a girl’s name a long time ago because she hated the name Cletus.

So tis the season for good tidings & cheer. This is how it is every year and next year will be a million times worse. I really wish it didn’t have to be this way. I remember Christmas being fun and happy times when I was younger. All my grandparents came over to our house at the same time & celebrated the family and the time of year. It is so sad that this is what it comes to for me: a time of year I wish would just hurry up and pass so that I don’t have to have the grinch on my back for another 11 months.

It's a Boy

Hello, Rich here, it has been a while since I have posted. I know everyone already knows Cletus is a boy, but I haven't shared my point of view. The ultrasound was again really cool. We got to see Cletus again which is always fun and exciting. We were able to see internal organs like kidneys and we saw his spine, hands, fingers, fingernails (he has finger nails already! Hopefully he doesn't get my bad habit of tearing them off.). So anyway, we go through all the measurements, head size, femur bone, humerus bone, etc... and then finally she says do you want to know the gender (after it is already frozen on the screen so good thing we said yes to that). And the tech said, there's your answer. It was exciting to find out, but there was no celebration or relief on my part. I was truly indifferent with a girl or a boy, so there was the excitement of finding out, but no lift or let down because of the baby's gender. I guess it was a disappointment to Jennifer that I didn't show more excitement. As days go by, I think of more and more things that would be father-son activities and I get excited looking forward to those times. Much of my thoughts have reflected on special memories I have of my Dad when I was a kid and I can't wait to be on the other side of those same kinds of moments with Cletus. I also think of things like some of the scenes in Dan in Re.al Li.fe that make me relieved the baby is not a girl. I would be 100% lost trying to deal with that kind of emotion and crazy logic. Hopefully it was exaggerated for the sake of the movie.

In more exciting news than finding out the gender, I actually felt Cletus kicking last night. Jennifer had been telling me for the past couple of days she could feel him on the outside with her hand, but every time she told me about him kicking and I rushed over to try and feel it, he would stop. Last night though I just laid in bed, resting my hand in place, patiently waiting. That's when it happened. It was so cool, it made me feel a stronger connection to him. As if we had our first interaction or something. But every time something exciting happens like an ultrasound or feeling him kick, I get impatient and want him to come out into the world now. I'm normally a very patient person, but not with this.

A Celebration of humanity

I was off work today due to a horrible congestion cold. Only got 2 hours of sleep & couldn't breathe thru my nose. I decided to take a sick day. Rich was so sweet before he left for work. He got everything together that I would need for my day on the couch. He got snacks, kleenex, dishes, silverware and the TV remote ready for me together. He also got me a glass of juice to drink before he left. Rich took very good care of me this morning so I had to brag on him.

I have had my faith restored in good people this weekend. Amazing enough this holiday season hasn't been too bad for me. Usually I get aggravated with people and can't stand this season by the middle of December. It may have something to do with the fact I can't go that long right now so we just do a little at a time. We also haven't been to the mall either. That may help things.

Anyway, Rich and I were having a late lunch at a big chain Chinese restaurant on Saturday. I had gone to the bathroom and Rich went after I got back. A man came over to our table as I was waiting on Rich to return. He said that we looked like a nice couple and gave me 20.00 to use toward our meal. I tried to give it back saying we didn't need it. He refused to take it back and told me Merry Christmas. I was shocked as I had never had anything like that happen to me before. So we decided instead of using the money for lunch, we will donate it to the red buckets that are around this time of year. Of course we haven't seen any since then. It makes me feel a lot better about bringing Cletus into this world. There are still good people out there.

Cletus is moving around like crazy now. I feel him daily kicking and moving around. It is so unreal. I really hope Rich can feel it soon. Every time Rich puts hi shand on my belly, Cletus quits moving. As soon as he takes his hand away, Cletus starts up again. I felt it thru my stomach today, so we are hoping to catch it soon for daddy.

Fun Shopping for Cletus

Well, we went shopping the other day. Got a couple cute outfits and bibs that are blue or talk about boys. I got a cute sleeper that says world’s cutest baby boy, which I totally believe is the truth. We also got a couple pairs of shoes for Cletus. That is my weakness is baby/kids shoes. They are so cute. I am sure he will have no desire or reason to wear the shoes, but they are still adorable!!!

We are telling our families on Christmas. We are getting blue bibs that say I love Grandma and Grandpa for our parents. We are going to give them to them last so that it doesn’t take away from the other gifts or that people just start talking about that instead of all the other stuff there.

Cletus is weighing in a little big at 1lb 3ozs. I am getting very worried about Gestational Diabetes. I had a couple instances lately and one really bad one in Chicago where I got really hot, dizzy & almost fainted. I can trace all of them to too much sugar. I am predisposed to GD anyway, but it looks like it may come to be a reality sooner than I wanted. Oh well, what are 4 pricks of my finger added to the 2 shots a day? That is sarcastic. I was really hoping to avoid it, but I will do whatever I need to for Cletus.

The past 2 days I have started feeling him move, kick and wiggle like crazy!!! He is definitely an active baby. He has been super crazy today, so I am thinking he is going to be a snow lover like daddy. I am really hoping Rich can feel it soon. He was really kicking hard this morning, so I tried to feel it. As soon as I put my hand on my stomach, he quit. Took my hand away & he started up again. He is going to be a stubborn little booger it seems. Wonder where he got that from? Definitely not from mommy. :-) Otherwise we are still on Cloud 9 & so in love with our little guy already.

Trip Update

So the trip to Chicago was so fun. I recommend going there to anyone. Wish we had a little more time. We had a couple very nice dinners & walked around to see the sites. There are so many nice parks, museums & malls there. It statrted snowing Saturday afternoon. We went up to the top of John Hanock building at night. It was really cool to see the city all lit up. The ferris wheel at navy pier was really cool to see. At the Hancock building we got Cletus' first piggy bank.




So what everyone is probably inerested in is the u/s appt today. We did find out the gender of Cletus. Let's just say HE is not modest at all. There is no doubt he is all BOY!!!!!!! We are so thrilled. I got him his first pair of shoes today. Everything looks great and he is measuring right on. We are going to have our little hockey player. Mrs. Spock you are still right on which is a little bit freaky.

Went to visit a couple daycare centers today to which is another post in and of itself. Well I really wanted to update everyone on the gender of Cletus. Off to do some shopping.

Blogging Break

Vacation time is here for me finally. I am joining Rich after his conference in Chicago tomorrow. I am so excited to be going & taking a break. Work has been really busy this week, so I am ready.

My pelvis & hips are starting to ache & hurt so my body is getting ready. I am hoping for a massage soon so that I can get some relief. I am also having horrible insomnia the past few nights. I don’t know if it is Rich being gone & sleeping on his side of the bed or what. I haven’t gone to sleep before midnight any night this week. That has been really hard, but I just keep trucking though. Just trying to get to Thursday.

Monday afternoon is the big ultrasound. So far I think we are leaning towards finding out the gender. Hopefully Cletus will cooperate. I can’t wait to go shopping for gender specific clothes!!!

Cletus moves around like crazy now. Especially after I drink juice. I think I felt my first big roll the other night. I was telling Rich it really is like having an alien in there. You have no control over it, but all of the sudden there is movement. Last night when Rich called me, Cletus started kicking like crazy. I think he miss daddy.

I will update everyone on Monday probably after the ultrasound. I am hoping for a healthy, happy baby. Boy or girl, it doesn’t even matter. I will have my poll up until Monday morning. So far it is unanimous.

Have a great weekend!!!

A tribute

To one of my favorite big hair 80s bands . . . Bon Jovi

Whoa, we're half way there. Whoa, living on a prayer.

That's right everyone, I am 20 wks today. Halfway there, halfway done. It is so amazing to think that I have made it to the halfway point. I am on the downhill slope toward having Cletus. Of course that also has my freaking out a little bit too. There is so much to do & we are starting to run out of time to do it in. I am going to call next week about the childbirth classes & start really thinking about registering. I am dreading that, but it is something that has to be done. Evidently, both my MIL and Rich's step-mom have asked my SIL about the baby shower. Funny no one has asked me about it. There will be only 1 baby shower, if I have to have one.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. We had a lot to be thankful for this year. It actually was pretty good this year. Only went to 2 places this year. We have decided to do that every year. Everyone will have to take turns. It didn't go over very well with Rich's dad, but too bad. This will be the last Christmas we travel around too. I am looking forward to staying home next year.

So here is my belly pics from yesterday. I was shocked at how big I look in the pics. I just don't see it in person, but the photos don't lie. So enjoy! No changing your guesses now either.

Switching

So it is done. I am switching to Dr. H. I think the decision was pretty easy once I sat down & thought about it. Dr. H made me feel like I was seeing Dr. B again. That is exactly what I was looking for. He was very caring & made me feel good about the decisions I want for my birth experience. I made an appt with him & called Dr. T to get a copy of my records. As soon as the receptionist phone isn’t busy, I will call to cancel my appts. This is unreal that I am actually doing this, but it feels really right to me. I think I will be happy with this choice, as will Rich. In the end, it was my decision, but I value his input as well.

So now I have no idea when the big ultrasound will be. I will ask the nurse when she calls me for my info. I am starting to lean more towards not finding out again. This is very unlike me. I always wanted to know so I could buy stuff & plan.

I think that IF has really changed me and my attitude toward giving birth. I think that is why I am leaning toward not finding out. It is such a thrill & surprise to find out at any time, but I may need extra motivation toward the end. I am giving birth naturally. Now before all of this IF stuff, I was the first one to raise my hand to an epidural. After thinking about it & doing some research, I have decided for me that is not the best thing. So I will be going to the natural family place to give birth, but is still connected with the hospital just in case. I will also not be induced unless it is a medical emergency for me or Cletus. Now this is what I decided is best for me. I am just doing the best for me & Cletus. I do not judge anyone by their choices. I just knew that if the dru.gs were available, I would be weak, so I am removing them from the situation. I have such bad back pain as it is that I don’t want to be stuck to the bed for hours. But I am not opposed to some medical intervention if necessary for me and/or Cletus. My only goal in the end is a healthy baby to bring home.

I will try to post a belly pic sometime this week. Sometimes it seems like I have popped, others not so much. I can’t believe I am almost half-way there. I am really starting to feel Cletus more consistently now. He certainly likes to shake & groove in there. Especially during boring work meetings.

Consult Appt Results

Sorry to be behind on this update. Yesterday & today were crazy at work trying to make up some time by working over. Anyway the consult appt; that is what everyone is interested in I am sure.

So Dr. H was running late because he had to deliver a baby. No big deal runs with the territory. I later found out he had 4 women in labor at that time. His pager went off twice during our appt. I have a problem with Drs being late due to personal reasons, like their kid forgot their stuffed animal at home and they have to run & go get it for them. Sounds mean to hold that against them? Not when the mom doesn’t work. This is a true story too. So anyway it turns out my friend Devon who recommended Dr. H was in the next room waiting to see him as well. That was pretty funny since I could hear her thru the air vent. So he came in & he asked me to tell him about myself. So I gave him the short version. Then he asked if I had any questions. I asked all my questions & his answers fit with our wants at this time. He also said with the anti-phospholipid syndrome we may want to do more ultrasounds to check for correct growth. Also he would probably do 1-2 NST being in week 34. He said that the other Dr in the practice holds the same beliefs as he does or they wouldn’t be able to practice. Dr. H asked me if he could listen to the baby, which of course I didn’t turn down. He also measured my uterus height which I hadn’t had done yet. He was kind of funny with the Doppler. He closed his eyes so he could really concentrate on finding the heartbeat. He found it within a minute. He also found Cletus hanging out by a place where my heartbeat can be heard too. He really seems to like it there. I think we may have to get one of those womb/heartbeat bears to calm him after he is born. He helped me back up off the table, which impressed Rich, and said he would love to take care of me or told me good luck. He said he was glad that things were going so well this time. He of course isn’t the only one.

So I think that Rich was impressed most with his laidback attitude and the very nice and caring staff he had. We didn’t feel rushed at all even though he was behind. He took his time to answer our questions and really talk to us about my questions & concerns. I was impressed because he didn’t charge me for the consult visit. I was ready to pay & they told me there was no charge. I didn’t think Drs did that any more. I was also happy to hear that the things I am most worried about he was ok and agreed with what I would like.

So now we have to make the big decision. We really need to sit down & discuss things to make sure we make the right choice. Especially since I don’t want to change again. I am really glad Rich went since he hasn’t been going to my other Dr appts. I just wanted another view point so that I wasn’t biased.

Ironically enough, I got a reminder call from Dr. T office regarding that my 2 pre-payments for delivery were now over due. I don’t think I will worry about that until after we make our decision.

I am also starting to feel Cletus move & kick. It is so cool!! It is very irregular right now. I can’t wait until Rich can feel it too.

Dr Appt

Appt with Dr. T this morning was anit-climatic. BP was 110/80 which is really good for me. Listened to the baby’s heartbeat and all kinds of kicks to the Doppler. Maybe Cletus is getting tired of it? Since we use it at home 2-3 times a week. I gained more weight on his scale than at home. I believe mine more. Dr. T mentioned that I am starting to pooch out now. I think I really did pop over the weekend. No more regular clothes for me.

So I asked him about an induction due to Hep.arin and a couple of other questions. He said that we may have to induce if I want an epidural, but everything else he basically said we have more time to talk about towards delivery. Um, no we don’t. I actually got out of there in ½ hr which is an absolute miracle for him. I didn’t want to come right out & say I was Dr shopping, but I think I got the two main questions answered that I was concerned about. The Cystic Fibrosis and neural tube defects came back negative. That is a nice relief. I felt a little better going to see him today. I think I was more relaxed since I know that I do have a choice now. Things seem to be going along very normal. I do have my ultrasound scheduled, but if I don’t stay with Dr. T I will have to cancel since it is in his office.

We started to look at nursery furniture and baby stuff this weekend. Oh man is that stuff expensive!! And very overwhelming. I did get Rich to test drive some stuff and look at some of the big accessories we will need. I think he had fun. I started feeling really bad so we had to cut it short, but I think we found the nursery furniture we really liked. It was fun and very weird. It was surreal since I said to Rich, “Did you ever imagine you would be looking at this stuff and actually thinking about buying it?” Usually we would just day dream about it and by the time the pregnancy came along it was out of stock or discontinued.

I have decided to be full time in maternity clothes. I wore a pair of jeans and a shirt on Saturday & I even have to admit I looked pretty cute. It was very obvious that there is a little one on the way. I even heard someone else comment about me at a restaurant. It also made me feel like not such a fraud at the big baby store. It is very nice to be at this point.

18 wks

So I am 18 wks today. This is so crazy!!! I never expected to get this far. This feels like a magic number to me for some reason. I think I might be starting to pop a little bit more too. Maybe I will start looking pregnant instead of fat soon. Have my OB & consult Appts next weeks so I will update after those.

I went to the gym with Rich last night. I was very proud of myself. I walked .75 miles, but couldn't go above 1.9 because my heart rate was already at 119!! We couldn't remember the number to keep it under so we guessed 120. I think it is 140 though. My back & hips have really started hurting so I want to start doing the prenatal yoga as well. But yeah for me going to the gym. I also found out about their child care so we can take Cletus at 6 wks. They don't feed or change diapers though. I thought the gym was a good idea since I ate a ton of candy yesterday.

I also created a baby guessing poll on the side bar. Just click on it & it will take you to the cite to guess what Cletus is, when he/she will be born & the stats for Cletus. I thought it would be a fun thing to do to entertain everyone.

If we take a belly pic this weekend, I will post that so you can see how I am carrying or whatever else you might need to know.

Rough & Evil

Well things are still going for me. I am still getting sick. Week 17 and the puking continues. I am so ready for the second trimester goodness to start anytime now. I guess maybe I am going to get skipped for that as well. So things have been sort of not so fun lately. Actually this whole trip hasn’t been fun, but I know the end result will be so worth it.

I actually had a pretty bad breakdown on Saturday after Rich gave me my Hep.arin shot in the arm. It hurts so badly and it just feels like it is getting worse. I am literally running out of room on my body that is not covered in hard cysts or bruises. I told him that I didn’t want to take the shots anymore & that I was done. Of course that is the hormones talking, but I really am tired of the shots. It is much harder than I thought. I dread them now, but I want Cletus to make it so bad that I am ok with them most of the time. Just had a breakdown the one day.

So we had the family party since we told everyone we are pregnant. SIL is pregnant as well & has the cute baby bump to show it off. As she was rubbing all over it in front of my IF SIL and IF cousin. I really tired hard not to talk about the pregnancy in front of them or have everyone fawn all over me. I have been on their side & it sucks, so I try really hard not to talk about it too much. Anyway, IF cousin asked evil SIL how far apart we are & she responded 10 days, but I am due first. I hope I go first too. So my other SIL told me this later & I was infuriated. I never expected this from her. With everything else they have been totally cool & obviously someone is getting a tad jealous. So I talked to Rich about it later & even he was mad about it. That takes a lot for him to get mad about something like that. So first off I am hoping she has a boy because she won’t even acknowledge a boy may exist. Then the next time I see or e-mail her I am going to talk about how glad I am that she is having the first Burns’ grandchild. That I never wanted to be first (which is true) and that Rich told me all the bad things about being the first grandchild and I am glad that it is not going to be my kid. I think that will get her thinking that it isn’t that great since she doesn’t tolerate Rich’s family well anyway. I am not usually evil or vindictive, but pregnancy is bringing out that side in me.

Consult Appt!!

So Thanks to my wonderful friend, Devon, I have a consult appt in a couple weeks with Dr. #1. I think she probably went and bullied him into it, but whatever. I am just happy to have a second choice now. I see Dr. T on Monday and Dr. #1 on Tuesday. Then I can make a decision. I feel so much better now, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think I had already accepted that maybe I wouldn’t get the exact birth I wanted this time, but that I was ok with it. I am glad that I don’t have to be ok with it if Dr. T isn’t going to cooperate. Yeah Devon!!!!

I also ordered a Doppler today for myself. It is so nice to listen to the heartbeat whenever we want. Especially since movement is so sporadic right now.

My Babydaddy

The picture says it all. He is dressed as 49 Cent Geek Unit Rapper. I hope to get a full costume picture later. I really hope he wins the contest at work. I think he looks hot!!!!

Stuck

Looks like I am stuck with Dr. T. Dr #2 will not do a consult either. I guess I waited too long to switch. I have a list of questions for Dr. T & I will decide what to do depending on his answers. Maybe I will have to make a blind leap of faith to one of these other practioners if I really can’t stand Dr. T answers. I think it will be ok. Maybe I will just have to negotiate, convenience or just plain bully him into doing things the way I want.

Having a cold or illness while pregnant especially sucks. You can’t take anything & you always feel like crud anyway. Friday I went to bed at like 8:00. Saturday was spent either in bed or on the couch all day long. Sunday I was feeling better & dying to get out of the house. So the cable contractor shows up with 20 min warning (no call to set up the appt as we had been told) and is there for 5 hrs. I was dying to get out of the house for a little bit & got stuck there again. Eventually we did get out, but I was so tired we had to cut the trip short. Today I still feel tired & weak, but I am trying to be a trooper at work.

Dr. Update and First Baby Gift

Well the first Dr I called will not do a consult. He will only see me if I decide to become a patient. That really sucks because do I really want to go into a new Dr and not know what he might be like. I do have the knowledge of a friend who is currently seeing him, but that is not the same as actually making a decision myself. Dr. T was recommended to me by a friend & that isn’t working out that great right now.

The second Dr I have not been able to get a hold of yet. He seems to have weird office hours & is not open when I am able to call. This is so frustrating!!

So the decision is that I will go to my next Dr. appt and ask Dr. T about some things I would really like to be done or not done for the birth of Cletus and see what his answers are. Then we will go from there. I am leaning towards less intervention for birth & I don’t believe Dr. T will be all for that. He has been more of the medical type to me. Maybe he will surprise me though if I tell him that is what I really want.

Thanks Mrs. Spock for all the things to check out for new Dr. There were some things on there I hadn’t thought of. Especially the C-section stuff. That is really scary.

Also Cletus got his first present not from family. A little onesie that says “Nothing’s wrong . . , just testing you”. It is so tiny & so adorable. I keep telling Rich it is so tiny & we are going to have something that fits in it. Yeah!!! Thanks Cynthia!! I have lost your e-mail address so hopefully you are still reading this.

I am also getting sick today. So thrilling since I can’t take a damn thing for it. I have had some Tylenol & that helped last night, but it is getting worse today. Ugh!!! Good thing we didn’t have much going on for the weekend. Lots of fluids and rest for me.

Fat, acne, cysts & much more good stuff

So this part of pregnancy – not the most fun. I am in the fat stage so no one can tell I am pregnant although people keep telling me I look it from the side. My dad was nice enough to point out that you can really tell above my belly button. Thanks dad, the baby is way lower, that is just fat. Ugh!! He & I have a long history of him insulting my weight, but that is another blog entirely.

Maternity clothes are still being phased in. I really need to get them in my closet so I will wear them. I have some that I bought online 2.5 yrs ago. They smell horrible from the chemicals so I am hoping that some tricks I found on the internet will help get the smell out. I am wearing some elastic pants today that just aren’t cutting it this afternoon. I can’t wait to go home and put on comfy clothes.

The acne is getting worse as well. I feel like I am in junior high again. It is gross and ugly looking. I can’t believe this is happening now. Nothing the first trimester & now they are all over. I really do feel like a fat teenager again.

I think my biggest pain (literally) right now is a cyst I have on my stomach from the Hep.arin shots. It burns and hurts like nothing else and it is right where my waste band sits. The shots are starting to get worse for sure. I have to stick myself 3-4 times before I find a place the needle will go in. That is what happened with the cyst. I tried to go thru it which just made it feel worse. Hot water bottle seems to have helped last night. Rich is doing the injections in the back of my arm now to give my stomach & thighs a break. I was trying to wait for sure for long sleeve weather, but desperate times called for this measure. Rich said the shots aren’t that bad, not like the huge HC.G shots he had to give me. The shots just burn somewhat in my arm.

But the exciting thing is that I am pretty sure I felt movement today. It was so cool!!! Felt like a few quick thumps I guess. Kind of like a muscle twitch. I am 15.5 wks today. We also have been hearing Cletus’ heartbeat with our “borrowed” Doppler. I really want to get one as it is so cool to be able to hear that whenever we want. The heartbeat has been pretty easy to find & has been consistently in the 150 range. Rich even found it the other night. Last night it was higher on my belly than the nights before. That means Cletus is growing good.

The biggest thing is that I am considering switching doctors. I am just not happy with Dr. T since he did the LEEP surgery & after his stupid comment at my first prenatal visit, I am not sure he is the one for me any longer. I don’t think he will be happy with what I want to do for the birth. I am going to interview 2 other doctors that have been recommended to me & see what they have to say. Then I will talk to Dr. T about the same things & go with who I feel most comfortable with and who is in most agreement with what I would like the birth to be like. Rich told me I am not crazy for switching Dr. He told me I need to feel comfortable & good about the Dr who will deliver Cletus. I shouldn’t dread my prenatal appt or be crabby about going or filling out the paperwork. Evidently I need to decide soon since Dr. T’s office already sent me the pre-birth payment plan for my delivery. My first payment is due this month & has to be paid 90 days in advance. I don’t plan on making any payments until we decide who we are definitely going with. Hopefully this is the right decision as well. If anyone has any advice or suggestions on switching Dr during pregnancy or what to ask, please feel free to comment or e-mail me.

Boring Update

Not too much going on lately at the Burns homestead. I am in the boring in between stage or your not newly pregnant anymore, so the thrill has sort of warn off and I haven’t felt any definite movement yet. There is a lot to do to get ready for Cletus’ big arrival, but I am not motivated to do anything about it yet. I am still exhausted by 9:30 at night & I am still occasionally getting nauseous & sick. I told Rich I am so ready for the feel better stage. Last night after I get sick at Target I told Rich that I was ready to promise Cletus a pony & a sports car at 16 if he would just stop making me sick all the time.

Maybe I should stop calling Cletus a he. Last night I had a girl dream. First one since I got pregnant. All the rest have been boys. We are babysitting tonight, but this baby looked exactly like me when I was a baby. Also had a different name then the girl we are babysitting. My grandma and aunt were there in my dream, which would never happen in real life so I am pretty sure it was ours. Maybe it was supposed to be Autumn, although that wasn’t this baby’s name. I have very vivid & weird dreams. The other night I had a dream a co-worker dropped me off at my house & 4 live bats were hanging out in front of the door. When I went to go in the paired off and started kissing!!

Like I said, things are pretty boring. I was thinking of renting a Doppler to listen to the heartbeat, but I don’t think I am going to fly that by Rich. I tried to appeal to his geek side, by telling him that it records sound you can download & has a read-out, but I don’t think it worked.

So I feel like there is so much research & things to do and no motivation by me to do them. I am ready for the second trimester goodness to kick in anytime now. Hear that Cletus?

I miss Dr. B!!

Today was my first OB appt. It was a total letdown compared to the RE appts. No u/s first off. I did get to hear Cletus' heartbeat thru the Doppler. It took awhile for the nurse to find it. I thought maybe if she couldn't find it, I would get an u/s. Nope, she eventually found it. Sounded ok, hard to tell thru the static of the doppler. Dr. T came in did a few questions & reviewed my chart. First thing he said to me though was, "That was quick". Dude, it has been 3.5 yrs. That is not quick in my book. Yes, maybe it was quick sine the last loss, but we were both tired of waiting. Anyway, I put up with that & he kept asking me if I had any questions. Nope, things are going good. I have lost 7 lbs so far, but that is ok since I am overweight to begin with. So next appt in 4 weeks. The shocking thing was that I actually got out of his office in less than 1 hr!!!! 57 min actually. I have never been able to do that before with him. It is always at least 1.5 hrs. He must have known he was on a time table with me today. I also got out of the PAP for today, so overall a good appt. Just not the same as Dr. B. I was just another patient today.

Now for a bit of freakishness that always seems to follow me wherever in this pregnancy. For the past 4 weeks, I have gotten sick every Friday. No other day of the week do I feel bad or feel the need to be sick. Happened again this past Friday too. Maybe I should've taken Dr. T up on his offer to shorten my work hours already. Every Friday off wouldn't be too bad!

Also everyone feel free to give Rich a hard time for not going with me today. He thought he would be gone too long. Boo hoo for him. Other dads were there today. I wasn't really excited about going today either, but I had to.

Today is also pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Please give a little thought to all the little ones not with us today. We are thinking of you today BB & Autumn.

I am positive now

Last night I had dinner with a couple of wonderful friends. One of them was talking about getting rid of the negative in her life. That she felt is was taking over. When she goes home from work, she leaves it all there. She seems a lot more calm & less stressed since she is doing this. So I am going to try & copy her. I am going to start thinking more positive about this pregnancy & Cletus. I got rid of a major source of negativity by switching jobs, so that isn’t the problem. The problem now is this pregnancy.

I am very ashamed to admit that when the whole grand parents thing went down this weekend, I was actually thinking that maybe this was a mistake. Maybe the reason we can’t have children naturally is because somebody knows better than us that we shouldn’t be parents. Rich & I were on opposite ends & I felt like I was right & knew more than he did. I held all this in for a couple days because I felt like I couldn’t talk to Rich about it. When we talked about it or other baby related things, all we did was raise our voices.

Tuesday I received an e-mail from another friend that really made me realize what an ass I was being. She & her husband don’t have what I do and want it desperately & here I am thinking this was a mistake? After all we have been thru; all the money, time, emotions, loss & failures – I think this was a mistake?!?!?!? IDIOT!!! I even told Rich that Julie’s e-mail made me feel like a turd.

So I talked to Rich about it on Tuesday night & told him everything. He said he was shocked that me, out of all people, would think this was a mistake. So we talked a lot about my fears of the grandparents expectations. I don’t want them to expect that we are going to let them have them every third weekend. We worked so hard & waited so long for Cletus, I want him to be with us on the weekends. Occasionally is ok, but the ground rules will be set. If they break the rules, then privileges are suspended. End of story. Rich told me that he has opinions too & just because I have done more research & think I know more, doesn’t mean that his opinions don’t count either.

I think another problem I have is with my MIL buying stuff. See she bought all 3 of her DIL’s these soft robes because that is what my SIL wanted. I don’t hardly ever wear a robe & I already have 2 of them. One of them my dad picked out especially for me. She also got the crib my BIL & SIL bought. Which is fine since it is her money, but I didn’t get it. I didn’t really think she needed to step up a nursery for just a few nights of baby-sitting. Well I e-mailed SIL & she said her mom did the same thing & she told my MIL they plan on her babysitting. So I obviously am the only psycho around who things that these people are crazy. I am the crazy one!!

So starting today I am going to be more positive. I am going to start believing Cletus is here to stay, WAS NEVER a mistake and will be coming home with us in April. No one is out to get me with what they buy. No one is jinxing anything by purchasing items. There is no evidence that anything bad is going to happen to Cletus. Everything looks fantastic. So I am going to pull out the maternity clothes & put them in the closet this weekend. Take out the others so I have nothing to fall back on. Now if things go bad, I will need some volunteers to come clean out my house.

I also am showing off my hyperlink ability too. I love that!!!

1 in 1738

That was the final result from the NT ultrasound/blood test results. The chances for Downs was 1 in 508 before the blood test. It is a relief, but really we wouldn't have done anything no matter what. We just wanted to be prepared. This also means insurance probably won't pay for the testing now. Oh well, it was worth the peace of mind at the time.

Future Grandparent vent

So this post is probably totally stupid & not appropriate but here goes anyway. I have to vent about the future grandmothers. I am 13 weeks pregnant & they are already getting on my nerves. My mother & my mother-in-law are setting up nurseries in their houses for my baby. My MIL already bought a crib for “when she baby-sits.” I haven’t even done that yet. I was very mad that she did that & has planned to set up a nursery in her house. I think she just wasted her money because my SIL won’t be letting her baby-sit & we probably won’t be having her baby-sit often either. My mom has been basically buying everything Cletus would need for the first year already. She sent me home on Saturday with a huge bag of clothes & blankets that she got. I had to fake enthusiasm while inside I am saying “What the hell am I going to do with this stuff?”

The baby-sitting is really bothering me though & I am not sure why. My mom told me on Saturday that if she is still not working when I have the baby that I can bring it over & she will watch it if I need a break. My MIL has already brought up babysitting twice now & Rich’s step-mom has mentioned it as well. I understand that Rich & I will need a break every once in a while, but really I think WE will want to spend time with the baby when we aren’t working. I am coming back to work after we have Cletus. Financially & emotionally for me I think that is the best decision for us. I have a hard time letting other people watch the dogs because they are used to how certain ones behave, how am I going to deal with them baby-sitting our precious little one? I would rather friends baby-sit then relatives, how sad is that? I know that when we have baby-sat; we follow the instructions to a tee. If you tell us to read 3 books, we read 3 books. If you tell us to walk up & down the stairs 3 times before bed, we will. We want to make sure the routine is kept & the child is comfortable. I am not sure the Grandparents will follow our rules. I have a feeling they will do what “they” think is right, not what we want. I know that is the way grandparents are, but routines should be followed & don’t feed my kid baby food at 3 months just because they seem hungry.

Rich said that I should just let them go & not worry about it. He said that they are just really excited because they have been waiting 7.5 years for this. In the back of my mind though, I am still thinking the gloom & doom what-ifs. What-if they do all of this & we still end up with nothing? I just keep thinking no one we know has had a c-section, so I probably will. No one else we know has had a still-born, so we probably will. I obviously need to make another appointment with the therapist. I am excited too, but I am cautiously excited. I still don’t believe that this is happening sometimes.

I am feeling very stressed out, freaked out & pressured with the grandparents. I don’t know what to say to them, but I guess I need to figure it out a lot sooner than I thought I would. I just wasn’t expecting the extra nurseries to pop up so soon when we won’t be doing ours until this winter.

In other, more positive news, I did wear maternity pants on Friday. They are from a friend so nothing I had to cut the tags off of yet, but it is a step in the right direction. They were really comfortable, but still a little big. I also bought bigger bras, but I am not wearing them yet. Although when I tried them on they were so comfortable, but a little discouraging. Going from a C to an almost DD in just 3 months is scary. What is going to happen later?

MY OB appt isn’t until a week from today. I think that I am in that in-between stage where I feel like I am just thrown out there to the wolves & I have no idea if everything is still ok. I have no reason to believe it is not, but the unknown is scary.

Rich, I think that Nome, Alaska is looking pretty good right now. Sorry that you have a crazy & emotionally unstable wife.

Help Me Please!

OK I need help. Someone needs to tell me that it is now ok to wear maternity clothes. My jeans today are too tight. They are so uncomfortable. I have plenty of maternity clothes just waiting for me at home, but I cannot get over the mental block of wearing them. I am so afraid if I do that, I will jinx Cletus. Not that I think there is or will be anything wrong, it is just this mental block that I can’t get thru. I think if I put a pair of pants on, there is no going back.

I know many of you probably think I am being stupid. Hello, why keep torturing yourself when you can be comfortable? Because this is a big step for me & I am not sure I am ready to take it. I still don’t have bigger bras either & that is getting really bad. What is wrong with me? This is so crazy. The maternity pants are so comfortable so it isn’t that. I think it’s just the fact that I think if I wear them, people will be able to tell and ask me about it. Am I ready for that? UGH!!! Someone please just slap me out of this!!

It is just like the therapist said. I am going to get to the point where it is not a choice anymore, I have to bite the bullet and put them on, one leg at a time. I think the point is here. Makes sense since I am at the end of the first trimester, 13 weeks tomorrow. Tomorrow I will probably wear them & write a post about how stupid I was to wait so long.

Overprotection - part 2

Yes, it is a different world today than 20-30 years ago. There is even a song out about it now called Different World. But, why is it so different? Does different mean more dangerous? Have we redefined danger? For example: not wearing a helmet while riding a bike casually down the bike path is dangerous. Well, hasn't that always been dangerous? Then why only recently has it become such a big deal? Media coverage of an accident? Advocacy groups looking for a cause? Our increasing litigious nature as a nation?

I don't know if I am right or wrong, but here is a thought. Most people would agree that more children today are injured while riding their bike than 20 years ago. And that more children today are harmed by evil adults than 20 years ago, kidnapped, molested, etc... It is probably within reason to believe that every event you can think of happens to more children today than 20 years ago. Why you might ask? With the population growing somewhat exponentially there are a lot more children today than 20 years ago. That means more children riding their bikes, more children playing in the neighborhood park, more children sticking things into light sockets. So, raw numbers need to be normalized. If you have 10 big dogs, you are more likely to have a dog with hip displaysa than when you only had 2 big dogs. Does that mean the disease is more common now? Planes crash in a horrific tragedy of fire, debris, mass causality. The newspaper headlines and evening news jump all over it, speculate about causes, federal agencies investigate. The words, the pictures are enough to scare many people into never setting foot on an airplane. But it still doesn't change the fact that you are more likely to be killed driving down the highway than riding on an airplane.

While statistics are one thing, they still lack one important element. That is having some control over the situation. While traveling on a crashing jet, you are but a bystander. The events will unfold without any influence from you. But, while driving, you have control. If alert, you can anticipate the situation that is developing and take preventative action. If capable, you can even react to unanticipated situations. But of course if you absolutely want to avoid these disasters, the best bet is to never drive and never fly. But then that is just ridiculous, right? So where do you draw the line? It is easy to make decisions, and take risks for myself. I will drive in deep snow, I will operate power tools much to the dismay of my finger, and I will cross busy streets between intersections. But how do you change when those decisions not only affect you, but someone else? Obviously you don't cross a busy street between intersections while pushing a stroller. But then again you don't stop driving during rush hour or holidays notoriously celebrated by drinking either.

Here's my hypothesis. The number of dangerous incidents involving children has increased, but not as fast as the number of children has increased. As a result, the number of incidences has increased, but the chance of a child being involved in one of these incidents has actually decreased from what it was 20 years ago. Further, I propose that mass nationwide media coverage, and shows such as the Date.line specials, has only heightened awareness (a good thing) and fear (a bad thing) of what has been silently happening unbeknown to much of the population 20 years ago. Has anyone actually done this research?

Overprotection - the mommy response

Well I feel as the other half of Cletus’ parents, I should respond as well. I think Rich & I differ a tad on our beliefs on this one. I think that other people can hold Cletus, maybe not right after he is born, but I am not afraid of that. Maybe some of the older relatives shouldn’t hold our baby, but as long as you are not sick & washed your hands, I think it is ok. I think babies need to be put down sometimes. I don’t want to get in the habit of holding them to get them to sleep & then they won’t go to sleep except in your arms. Now granted, there are going to be days when that’s all I want to do, but that’s ok.

I think the main part where we differ is when they get older. Unfortunately, things aren’t like they used to be. I think there are a lot more dangers now then there were when we were kids. I don’t want to let our kids just run around all day & not be in contact with them. I don’t think it’s a good idea to just let them take off on their bikes for hours. We have a sex.ual predi.tor in our neighborhood right now. That is very scary to me. I won't even walk by myself at night near that house. Just down the road a couple miles another pred.itor was arrested & taken to a mental hospital. Things are just not the same as they used to be. I do think that letting them play at other people’s houses is fine, as long as we know the parents. I just do not feel comfortable letting them have the freedom we took advantage of. I know that both Rich & I took advantage of that freedom & got into trouble. Sometimes we got caught, sometimes we didn’t. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to Cletus that I could have prevented by maybe being a little overprotective. Now once they get to be older, the freedoms may get a little better, but sickos still like teenagers too.

One thing I think we have agreed on is the family computer will stay in the open area where we can see anything & will have parental locks. His cousin had free reign of their computer at one time & boy did she take advantage of it. I think with better technology comes more responsibility on the parents to do the right thing & protect their children. It is easy to do & not too expensive.

I will be honest to say I will do everything in my power to protect Cletus, but in the same time I think you can do that without taking away their childhood. I want them to fall down, get hurt & learn to keep going. I think failure & disappointments are important to learn from. I want Cletus to get dirty, play & have fun. Explore the outdoors, but respect the limitations that we set that we feel are safe. I want Cletus exposed to germs so he doesn’t get sick constantly like my friend from my old work. She was a germaphobe & her kids are constantly sick and they are now immune to some anti-biotics because they take them constantly.

Being a kid is a fun part of life. Probably the best part of life so far for me personally. No responsibilities, summers off & fun times to be had. But now as a parent-to-be, I have to look at things thru different lenses & see that there are dangers out there. Cletus will need to learn to respect the dangers & so will we. As well as learn to respect Cletus just being a kid.

Overprotection - Part 1?

Part 1? - Yes, there could be more to this - here I go again

It is warranted, justified, or even in the child's best interest to be overprotective? OK, the term "OVER"protective already implies the answer, so that isn't exactly what I mean. What I want to explore is what is too much and should I or will I act differently given the circumstances of conception? I understand that IFers have had a long difficult road to hoe to get to their child, whether it be through natural means or adoption. And as with anything you have to work hard for, you have a different perspective than others who didn't have to work so hard. You learn not to take it for granted and you tend to want to protect it more and take better care of it, unlike the hand-me-down sofa we have.

But in the case of a child, easy come easy go doesn't apply. It is never easy to loose a child, even an unborn child, or even if it came to you accidentally or on the first cycle. My child is not more special than another child just because it took longer to conceive, cost more money to conceive, etc... I can't understand having different rules, taking different actions, and making different decisions, simply because it took longer than anticipated to have a child. To do so implys to me that had it been easier to conceive, one might tolerate more risk of loss, that had it been easier to have that child it would be easier to loose that child, could you go as far as to say one might take more risk because they feel the child is more easily replaceable? Why be more protective now than you would have otherwise?

While for some, having to struggle to bear offspring may motivate them to be more aware, more involved, more protective parents, if you were already committed to giving it your all as most people are, I doubt it can make you a worse parent. I don't want to live life in constant fear of harm to my child (any more so than a fertile parent) and I don't want to do a disservice to my child by always acting and making decisions in fear. I know at first that Cletus will seldom leave my arms, and when that happens, Cletus will probably be in Jennifer's arms. I'd like to think in my case my inability to not put the baby down, and not leave the baby's side is out of love and admiration and a consequence of having to wait so long for something I want so bad. It will be a greedy and selfish action of my heart to satisfy the spot that has been empty so long, not an act of protection. I should feel safe putting the baby down to bed in my own house.

But, when does protectiveness cross the line? When does it interfere with psychological and social development, when does it retard or suppress immune system development, when is a kid no longer able to be a kid, have fun and be carefree? I don't want Cletus to miss out on exposure to being held by other people, or miss out on being a kid because I was too afraid to let him/her. No you can't play at Johnny's house because he lives too close to the river. Don't let your inquisitive mind tell you to pick that up and look at it, you don't know where it has been. Don't walk to school with your friends even though it is only 3 blocks away, I will drive you because there might be strangers along the way. Why don't you join the chess team instead of play football? (Sorry if anyone was on the chess team.)

This is going to be an "Am I a parent" magnitude struggle for me. I am leaning toward kids need to be kids, play outside, get hurt, get sick, learn things the hard way, be rejected, not win every game, raise the bar in schools instead of lowering it to meet passing rates and retention guidelines. This is no different than my views have been all along. Parents should be involved and take responsibility for education, supervision, and protection, yet there is no substitute for first hand experience. They'll never learn to walk if you never put them down, you need to give them enough rope to hang themselves with you close enough to save them when they do. They need to learn things on their own, through experience. I would like to think my views won't change when the time comes and that I will be able to let go of fear and using good common sense let kids be kids.

I remember my grandpa getting chewed out by my grandma for just sitting back while my brother and I fought on his living room floor. But maybe there was wisdom in his ways. We weren't just fighting, we were working things out. We were learning something, I'm not sure what, yet doing it with an adult near enough to intervene should the situation start to get out of hand. I found a book I want to read about self-guided play and experiencing nature and another about experiences as a child. They are called Last Chi.ld in the Woods and Web of L.ife: Weav.ing the values that Sus.tain us. Has anyone read these books, enjoyed them, recommend them? I'm a slow reader, so no promises on this, but if you read a book you thought was helpful you can tell me about it and I'll consider reading that too.

Cletus is awesome!!!

So we went & did the trans nuchal ultrasound yesterday. It was so fun & exciting!! Cletus was jumping all around & stretching out. Cletus has very long legs & long arms! Loves to put hands up by the face. I think we might have a thumb sucker! I can’t wait to feel the stretching & kicking! I am sure I will regret saying that later. We got to see Cletus for ½ hr. It was so fun!! At first I didn’t think it was going to be very fun. My appt was at 9:45. We met with the genetic counselor at about 10:00. We didn’t get called back for the ultrasound until 10:50. I was fuming & I think they could tell. After we saw Cletus on the screen with a great heartbeat, moving around & looking like a baby, I could’ve cared less at that point. They did all the measurements & the Dr. Basically said there is no real chance of birth defects. They will give me a definite number after the blood test comes back. It is just amazing to think that the baby was ours. I wasn’t looking at someone else’s ultrasound. It is so crazy & surreal!!! We also got a videotape of the ultrasound. So we can watch Cletus whenever we want. We also got about 13 photos. We got some really cool ones of Cletus looking like Skelator and Cletus praying. Most of the time it looked like he was just chilling out in there; feet out and hands by the head.

Today is my last appt with Dr. B. I am so sad & emotional already about it. I really will miss him. All the care & compassion of his entire staff & himself especially, will be sorely missed. I know going to the OB, I will be just another number with my questions not answered until the very end of the day if I call. Without Dr. B we would not be in this position today.

I really hope I didn’t offend anyone with the post about pregnancy after IF. It was just my feelings at the time. I think that this genetic u/s & my last Dr. B appt are huge milestones for me. I really & truly believe we are going to have a baby in April. I am now ready to talk about finding out the gender (which we are going to), decorating the nursery & all the other fun stuff that comes along with a baby. I am even going shopping this weekend for maternity, bras & maybe baby stuff. I cannot wait!!!!

One last thing, Julie is a friend of mine in real life who is a frequent commenter on here. Her husband, Greg, who we also are friends with, left for his deployment for 6 months yesterday. So if you could just spare a thought, prayer or just some thanks for him fighting for our country I am sure they would appreciate it.

For Autumn

Today is a sad day for us. This is Autumn’s due date. It’s hard to imagine that it has been nine months since she was conceived. It has been a long & crazy 9 months. Surgeries, depression, craziness & another pregnancy has all happened in that time. It seems so short when you think about it, but it seems so long to us that have lived it. It is crazy to think that we should be having or have had a daughter by now. I miss her tons and think about what would be different if she was here.

We went to the Angel Statute Memorial again this past Sunday. I was so surprised & glad to see the teddy bears we left in July for BB & Autumn still there. I just figured every so often someone came along & cleaned it up. Threw them out. But they were still there. They didn’t look too bad either for being out in the weather. We took another one down just for Autumn this time. It is so emotional to go, but I am so glad we do. There really isn’t anywhere else to go to remember our angels like that. It is very private and the flowers were blooming this time. Unfortunately so were the bees. I always forget to take tissue too. I need to remember that next time. I have never seen anyone else there, but I know they come because of the new flowers or stuffed animals each time. That part is a little sad. They have bricks around the memorial with some names carved in them. I think I may see what you need to do & the cost to get a couple bricks for us.

I think I am feeling a little guilty this time. I don’t think I have been feeling as sad or as bad as I have before. I think that I have been concentrating on Cletus and not really focusing on Autumn and her due date. I knew it was coming up, but it wasn’t all consuming like it usually is. I guess I need to think of the future, but still remember and honor the past.

It is still so abstract to me that we know that this baby was a girl. And we have a real name for her. I miss my baby girl so bad inside it hurts. It tears me up! But she did help us to figure out what went wrong & how to fix it. For that I am thankful so we don’t have to go thru that again hopefully.

So today is Autumn’s day & it is all about her. I really wish she was here with us or on her way, but I am so thankful for the time we did have. I am so glad we named her & gave her the respect she deserves. We love her & miss her always!

The One That May Cause Problems

Well I think it’s time for a big post from me. This is just a reminder that this is my space to let it all out. Please don't be offended about anything in here. I wrote this on Friday and I don't even know if I should post it, but I am going to anyway.

This pregnancy has just been crazy to me. I can’t even believe I am 11 weeks today. Almost the end of the first trimester. Everything looks great so I shouldn’t be worried at all right? I should just get over it & be happy.

Nothing is further from the truth. Pregnancy after IF and/or loss is hard. Harder than I could have imagined. I have moments of fun & enjoyment, but most of the time there is fear in the back of my head & heart. Fear of loosing, fear of something or anything going wrong. Fear of never having a baby. Every cramp, twinge or good day is over-analyzed. My poor chest has been widely abused, especially today since my soreness seems to be going down. I am hoping it is just the hormones leveling out, but in the back of my head I think the worst. I am afraid this will never go away. I still spot check every single time I use the bathroom. I am not kidding about this. I am obsessed.

The therapist said that this is normal. I am living in the present and that is all I can do for now. People ask me about finding out the sex & the due date & stuff in the future and sometimes I want to scream at them, Are you kidding me?!?!?!??!? I am just trying to make it thru the day. I can’t think about decorating the nursery yet. I am nice & polite and make the conversation, but inside I am screaming. This is not a sure thing yet. I am not going to be ok with this until I have the baby. We have been thru the ringer & we aren’t thru yet.

The biggest hurdle I am having now is maternity clothes. I am going to get to the point in the next few weeks where these are going to be a necessity. I have some already from the first pregnancy & just bought some more with a gift card. They are still in the big tub or bag I stored them in. I cannot bring myself to wear them. It is like this fear that if I accept this pregnancy & wear the clothes that something bad is going to happen. I need new bras so bad & I cannot bring myself to buy them either.

Finding support from people who truly understand the situation is hard. My friends are really great, but sometimes you just have a need for people who have been down this road before. I belonged to a local IF group here & I have made some fantastic friends who have truly helped me thru some of the bad & good times I have been thru. I say belonged because once you get pregnant you are no longer truly welcome. Just when I need support more than ever I am turned away. I am wished well & left to fend for myself. This was very hard to overcome as well. I was one of the original group members & now have no where else to go.

I wear a red string bracelet on my right arm that some of you in real life may have noticed. The banner is also on this blog. It is for IF awareness. It helps other women out there know that I am in the boat with them if they need support. My father-in-law knows what this bracelet means. After we told them about Cletus, he said something about he didn’t guess we were pregnant because I was still wearing the bracelet. IF DOES NOT GO AWAY BY GETTING PREGNANT!!!!! The IF stays with you for a lifetime. Cletus was not conceived like normal & someday we may have to explain that to him/her. We are no longer hiding the fact that this wasn’t easy for us. We are telling the truth loud & proud. I am no longer embarrassed by what happened to us. As a matter of fact, I have probably helped some women find a wonderful Dr or just help them figure out problems they may have. That makes me feel great!! I love helping others.

IF and Loss with pregnancy do not go away. They may fade a little bit with each u/s and great Dr visit, but it never completely leaves any of us. The hurt is always with you in your heart and mind.

What's happened to me?

Fatherhood, that's what. I know I share this blog with my wife, and I am about to describe another woman as good looking, but she knows I love her very much, so it should be OK to share this little anecdote from today. Plus from what I can tell, most of the guys don't really read this so I shouldn't take too much punishment for sharing it either. Anyway, as I was leaving work to go pick up some lunch today, a woman was getting out of a 4-door vehicle in the parking lot. As I drove by, I saw 2 little boys (perhaps 2 and 4 years old) climbing out of the driver's door. She was thin, blond and wearing shorts that looked like sweatpants material or pajamas that barely covered anything and a tight t-shirt. Was she tan? maybe? Long or short hair? Not sure. Keep reading and you'll understand why. Instead of staring at her and running off the road, I was puzzled about why the kids were climbing out the driver's door. I was disturbed to notice that there were no child seats in the car. Moments later, it hit me. There was a time I would have never given any thought to how children were exiting a vehicle. Especially with a good looking barely dressed woman standing next to it. I guess this is just one more example of changes that occur as you move on in life.

Ultrasounds

This is a message for the guys, because obviously the women have to be there. Go to the ultrasounds! The world is full of amazing things. I am an electrical engineer. I have learned about and often been in the presence of very high tech, very sophisticated, very amazing technology. I have been to a plant where they bend steel for roller coasters, I have been to conferences where companies present the latest in radiology equipment, I have seen robots that can automatically tell what region of the world coffee was grown in, I have even worked on research projects I can't talk about. I have swam in the crystal clear waters of the Caribbean, been on a ship surrounded by water as far as the eye can see, stood on the rim of the grand canyon, climbed to the top of the second highest peak in New Mexico, above the tree line, where there was snow in August. I have peered into the star filled heavens from the pitch black of the Canadian wilderness. I mention these things, not to brag, but to give context. Despite all these wondrous sights, and the feelings of awe that fill you when you experience them, none of them come close to equaling the feeling you get when you see your baby, its heartbeat, its head, its arms, its feet, and even see it move. I missed the heartbeat the first time Jennifer was pregnant and by the next appointment it was gone. She tried to convey to me how amazing it was, but you don't get it until you are there. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I didn't want the appointment to end. And I can't wait to see more. I know sometimes it is not an option, for one reason or another you can't always go. But if it is an option, do it. You have never seen anything more touching or more amazing in your life.

The secret is out

Well we told Rich's Mom and his dad & step-mom yesterday. The funny thing is is that both sets of parents suspected something since we evidently never visit. Works both ways though. Anyway, they were all very excited for us. I don't think I have mentioned it on here yet, but my sister-in-law is due 2 weeks before me. So Rich & his brother will be fathers at the same time. Very scary!! We did tell his dad & step-mom some of what has happened to us, the 2 m/cs & the shots. The missed the first quarter of the OSU game becuase of us. The 2 of them kept leaving the room at seperate times & not sitting down together. Finally Rich just blurted it out. His brother is spreading the news after their next u/s on thursday.

Things are going pretty well for me. Just tired and nauseous. Starting to get my appetite back some thoguh which is nice. My bo.obs aren't as sore but I think that the hormones are starting to level out some now. I have 1 more appt with Dr. B 9/28. The trans nuchal u/s is 9/27. We get to see Cletus 2 days in a row. First OB appt is 10/15. It will be so weird not to go every couple weeks and also weird not to get to see Cletus everytime.

My mom & Rich's Step-mom do not like the name Cletus the Fetus. I am very upset with them. My mom has already renamed the baby. Just confirms the fact that there will be no telling of the name before the baby is born. All the mom's are retired or don't have jobs, so they were already asking about babysitting yesterday. My mom & Rich's mom were talking about setting up nurseries. I have some big news for them thoguh, this baby is going to daycare. This sounds horrible but I would rather have paid strangers watch my babies then family. At least I know that they will respect my wishes. I won't have to worry about someone holding my baby all day long & not giving them a chance to rest or having their first words be "Jerry! Jerry!" Ok so obviously things are already starting to get on my nerves. I knew it would, but people, give me a break. This still isn't a sure thing until I give birth to a live baby. I am ready to run away already. WEll I needed to get that out. I have another post brewing about pregnancy after IF, but I need to take care of something else first. I alos hope to get back to blogging more at work since the policy says you can use the internet during lunch or off-work hours.

Celebrate good times!

So 9 years ago today at approx 6 am, I got asked the most important question ever. Out on a boat at Witch Bay camp, Rich read me a poem and got down on one knee in the boat!! It was very romantic, but wouldn't have been if his Dad would have gone like he wanted to. I can't beleive it has been 9 yrs since Rich asked me to marry him.

Anyway, on to what everyone really cares about. We saw Cletus again today. Today was just amazing. We saw hands, fingers, both sides of the brain, backbone, jaw, feet, the cord, sinus cavities and a heartbeat at 163 bpm!!! We also saw Cletus move!!!! Put his hands in front of his face and punched the amniotic sac. I am just saying he as a generic term, we don't knwo the sex. He jumped around a little bit. We both cried when we saw movement. I pointed at Rich & said I told you so. I told him we may see movement & he didn't beleive me. It was really funny. After all the measurements were done and Dr. B was pointing out parts, all of the sudden Cletus jumped. We got some really great pictures this time. Of course Cletus looks like an alien right now, but we love him so much already.

I am getting sick still, more often than not. That is ok with me though. I think it's definitely time for the elastic pants too. I have been holding out for so long, scared, but I think it will be ok now. Still exhausted all the time too.

Rich & I are so excited & relived. We are ready to shout it from the rooftops. We are telling his family this week or weekend. Rich wrote an adorable e-mail in order to tell everyone. Maybe I can convince him to post it here when he is done. :-)

Dr. B told me to make an appt with the OB/GYN & I made my last appt w/ Dr. B today. I know I will get emotional at that appt as he has been a miracle worker & life saver thru this whole process. I get teary eyed just thinknig about it. Appt with him is 9/28 and trans nuchual u/s is 9/27.

Wating on me

So the spotting got worse on Thursday & I decided to call the nurses line. I got my favorite nurse on the phone. She asked me about the spotting color & frequency. She told me to keep taking the ibuprofen as long as I saw anything. She asked me if it ever stopped or got to be less. I told her after work on Wednesday it got better. She told me to relax as much as possible & take it easy. Then she asked me in a very delicate way if we had done anything to "aggravate my cervix" - draw your own conclusions. When I said yes, she sounded more relaxed and said the spotting was probably coming from my cervix because it is puffy right now. The spotting had stopped on Friday and no more has appeared over the weekend.

When I told Rich what the nurse said he was relieved. He told me no more laundry, dishwasher, grocery shopping & I needed to take it easy. He then said that he would do whatever I needed to make Cletus happy. Well he opened up the opportunities there. He has been very good to me. I am going to call him Ricardo - my house boy. He took me to Dairy. Queen on Thursday night because Cletus wanted it :-) He also went out to lunch with me on Wednesday when we were both scared again. Obviously I cannot slow down or take it easy. I just can't do it. As hard as I try there is still so much to do around here. I am getting testy with Rich more often & it hasn't been fun to be in our house or possibly our presence lately. I hope this goes away soon. U/s got moved to Wednesday due to an unscheduled surgery. Since I am very familiar with those & have probably bumped some other women out of their appt times, I tried to be very accommodating & changed the appt time.

Please put your item in the bag……

Does this blog have to always be about infertility? Because I have something to talk about that is unrelated. As you may know from the title, I want to share some thoughts on self check-out lanes. First of all let me start by saying, self check-out lanes: Great idea, poorly executed.

Great Idea:
How many of you have gone to the store only to experience a cashier, bagger, or both that are more interested in gossiping with their friends than doing what they are getting paid to do? Call me old school, but you are at work to work. Or you get in the line with the cashier that is slower than ice melting at the south pole……in winter. So to the talkers that can’t multi task and the and slow pokes…shut up, get out of the way, and let me do it myself…..brilliant! Now go have a Guinness.

Poorly Executed:
Where do I begin? How about with the title, please put your item in the bag. Ever notice the bags sit on little square pads that must be scales or something? Sensitive little suckers aren’t they? Please put your item in the bag. Huh, but I did? Let’s see….what did I just scan, oh here it is, take it out, put it in a different bag, whew, that’s better. Now what? Oh, I have 5 cans of the same soup, I’ll just scan one can 5 times then put them all in the bag, I see the professional cashiers do this all the time. Bleep…..there’s one, now why isn’t anything happening? Please put your item in the bag, oh never mind, scan-bag-scan-bag-scan-bag…..at least it’s good for the abs. Just yesterday I saw something I never noticed before, a little button pops up with “skip bagging” on it. Finally, screw you and your please put your item in the bag. So, I scan the next item, the bags are pretty full anyway, and I decide to hit the skip bagging button and place my item on the shelf, not in a bag. Unexpected item in the bagging area. What do you mean unexpected, I just scanned it, it isn’t in a bag and where else am I supposed to put it? So I pick it up, item removed from bagging area, please return item to bagging area. Please wait for cashier assistance. Great! I stand around waiting on the 2 other people who evidentially are as uncoordinated as I am before she comes to get my machine out of failure mode. All along there’s this touch pad just after the scanner that says touch item here after scanning. So I scan, touch the item to the pad, OK, well maybe I just brushed over it, but the item did make contact with the pad, I made dang sure of that. I’m getting pretty aggravated and determined to follow all instructions. Unexpected item in the bagging area, Please wait for cashier assistance. Noooooo, the very source of inefficiency this process is supposed to eliminate is back in the loop again. I guess you need to do more than just “touch” the pad as the instructions indicate, you have to push it down. So, when I shop alone, I am perfectly content to wait on the slackers and slow pokes. It saves me lots of frustration and usually goes faster than doing it myself. Jennifer never seems to have these problems so maybe I’m just an example of idiot proof something and someone will build a better idiot.

Relax? Not Likely

So just when things start to get a little comfortable, my body decides to throw me for a loop. I think I have finally come to the realization that this is just never going to be normal. It really sucks that I can't enjoy this pregnancy at all. All I do is worry. I worry if the spotting of brown blood today is a problem. I wonder if these cramps are really cramps or just stretching. With having a new job I can't really take any time off yet. The spotting never got really bad & it has basically stopped, but I am still so worried. I think the cyst burst last night because I felt a kind of ovulation pain on the right last night. Then the spotting started first thing this morning.

This is just so hard right now. I feel stupid worrying or complaining because I think people will say, you asked for this. Or you are the one that wanted this so bad. Yes, I do, but I don't think I deserve this worry either.

Just wanted to say congrats to Mrs. Spock on her pregnancy on a natural cycle. Hope you can return the meds or find someone else to use them. You are so psychic in your abilities. She said that she would get pregnant soon after I did, so it makes sense. I just wish she could be psychic on whether Cletus is going to make it or not.

Infertility....The ugly side

The ugly side of infertility…..I’m not good, I’m broken, Everyone is having babies but me and I don’t like any of them…….oh the bad things that infertility can do to us.

It’s a frustrating disappointing and all around difficult journey, but just because friends or family may say insensitive things, or they might now have something you don’t (baby) and you are feeling like there is less and less you have in common, they are your friends and family and they want to be supportive. But, having never been in your shoes they are not going to be very good at it. The pain of their actions or comments might even be amplified by ignorance to your situation if you have kept your struggle and your feelings secret. But, they are still the same people you have always known, and you are still the same person to them. Though it might be difficult for you to hang out with them because they are pregnant or have a baby, it is difficult for them to see less and less of their family member or friend, especially if they don’t even understand why.

We have been very fortunate to have patient, understanding, and supportive friends, old and new, during our struggle and many of them read this blog. Thank you to all of you.

I saw an article that got me thinking about all of this and I’ll put the link at the end. Living with infertility is always hard and some times hurts those around us that are not dealing with it personally. There is a very ugly side to it that can make us feel broken, far away or incomplete. But in this article, I think the last paragraph sums it up well. What it says to me is that we all have a choice to make. On top of that, I feel the longer we stay on the path we chose, the easier it is to stay on that path and the harder it is to change. If we are on a good path, this is a good thing, but if we are on a bad path then it is not.

If you are reading this and think you are feeling down, pause, step back, and think about your family and friends. Are you still a friend, a brother, a sister, cousin, daughter, son, husband, wife, etc… or have you let the frustration and disappointment take those good, happy, and potentially supportive relationships away from you too? Infertility can be greedy if we don’t work to keep it from taking that which it doesn’t deserve.

You can find the article here: http://www.beliefnet.com/nllp/Inspiration.aspx?date=08-10-2007

We have parts!!!

Ultrasound was so awesome!! We saw arm & leg buds!! I told Dr. B that we have parts & I was so excited. He laughed at me, but I don't care. The head is really big & he showed us where the brain will grow into it. Rich called it a hollow head. Dr. B and I both thought he said bobble head. Dr. B said I might come up off the table & smack him. Bobble or hollow head isn't nice to say to your child I didn't think. Heart rate was 165!!! We are so thrilled that everything is going so well, especially with the scare. The cyst has shrunk considerably, so that maybe what the spotting was from. My cervix was 44mm which was great since we were worried about that with the LEEP surgery. I threw up my awesome welcome lunch that I had with my new co-workers on the way to the doctor's. It so all worth it though. We go back on Sept 11th I think. Good thing they write that stuff down for you. Sorry that the updates are behind & I am not reading many blogs yet either. I need to get caught up on them from vacation, plus I am so exhausted now.

Work is going great. I just got a computer yesterday afternoon. Everyone is so nice. They gave me a cookie bouquet to welcome me. I think I am going to really like corporate life!

In case anyone is interested, Jason got the movie right. It was midnight madness. But he goo.gled it.

Greetings Earth People!

That line is from one of my favorite movies as a kid/teenager. If anyone gets it I would be surprised. Rich no cheating!!

Well there is lots to update about. First of all, I start my new job tomorrow. Since I think they are a tad more sophisticated then the old place, I will not be mentioning the name or be blogging from work at lunch anymore. Sorry! Everyone will have to wait until after work for the updates. I am not really nervous yet. Just slightly aggravated as they are going thru a huge background check & can't get my degree confirmation. I have no clue where my diploma is so who knows what will happen with that.

Last day at the old job was so emotional for me. It was sad to go, but I still had to stay until 5:15 because all of the other girls left plus I need to get some stuff wrapped up. There were a lot of hurtful comments about how they don't expect me to last long at this job, that I'll be bored as a paper pusher & that I'll hate the commute. Not one of them knew the stressful situation I am in right now, so I could forgive some of them, but the partner saying I would be bored & would hate it was hurtful to me. Oh well. Time to move on.

Rich & I took a mini-break in between jobs to Florida for a few days. It was a nice relaxing time except for Monday night. We had played & swam on Sunday & Monday on the beach & the pool. Then we were flipping towels at each other in the room, running around. I go in the bathroom & find spotting. So of course I freak out. I am then checking every 5 mins & it is getting worse, turning to light red. Sorry if TMI. Anyway we go to dinner, Rich eats & I pick at my food while there it is getting more prominent. I get back to the hotel room & call my friend Devon to ask her about this since a similar incident happened to her on vacation. She calmed me down somewhat, but I knew what I needed to do. I called the DR answering service. I was praying that Dr. B was on call that night. I was afraid if the other Dr was on call, that he would just brush it off as no big deal. Anyway, I was lucky that Dr. B was on call. He called me & told me that 1 out of 3 pregnancies bleed in the first trimester, same as Devon told me. Since this is my third pregnancy & never had this on the other 2 I thought that made since. He said as long as I wasn't cramping that was good & probably not a m/c. I wasn't cramping. He asked me what I did that day & I told him we were on vacation in Florida so I had swam, walked around. He told me to take it easier the next day. Also to take Ibu.profen to relax the uterus until the bleeding stopped. Then Dr. B proceeds to talk to me about the weather in Florida & the weather up here. He was so nice. I felt bad calling, but we both felt better after speaking with him. Luckily, it stopped by mid-afternoon Tuesday. So the rest of the trip was better, but Monday night was so horrible. Of course we are thinking the worst. Although as soon as we got the Atlanta airport I threw-up & Have felt like crap since then. I told Rich I am allergic to home. Now we just wait until the appt on Friday to make sure everything is still ok.

We also promised Cletus that if he/she stays put, we will bring them back to the beach. Yes that is the nickname we came up with, Cletus the Fetus. Cletus for short.

Time to go rest up for my big day tomorrow & to get some more laundry done.

We have a good heartbeat!!!

I don’t think there was anything else to put in the title. We saw the baby. Measuring 6wks2days. I am 6wks4days. The heart rate is 113!!!!!!!!!!!! We are so thrilled. I gave a big sigh of relief when I heard it and saw it. Dr. B said that everything looked and sounded good. He even talked to us about the future trans nucheal u/s. That is the u/s that screens for downs syndrome by measuring the neck folds I think. I’ll have to read my packet from Dr. B. He never did that before. I go back next Friday, my second day at the new job. Oh well. They knew this in advance.

I do have a corpus luteum cyst. That is where I bled into the follicle where the egg came out. He said it is not a big deal, we will watch it closely. That just means taking it easy, no jumping around, no heavy lifting and no s.ex. Poor Rich!!! Dr. B said it is just like a bruise & it will eventually go away. He looked at my bruised belly & said it could be worse.

I am truly convinced that Hep.arin is a miracle drug! I can’t believe we finally got this far and it has everything to do with the testing & Dr. B being cool with using the shots.

I was so excited & relieved that I forgot to remind him to check my cervical length. Oops!

So now I have a vent about the visit today. I know you are probably thinking, how can she vent about such a great appt. Well Dr. B had an intern with him today. She was a OB/GYN Dr. He let her do the u/s. She sucked at it. I was ready to just do it myself. That was not cool for him to let her do the u/s. It was not good for her bumbling around with someone who has had multiple m/c and needs results ASAP. She couldn’t get it in the right place & looked at my ovary first. She also couldn’t hold it still for the heartbeat. She sucked bad. Finally Dr. B took over, put everything in the right place right away & got all the right measurements. When he took the measurements the baby was actually 1 day ahead.

We got 4 pics although it just looks like a blob now, but hopefully by next week of the week after it will start looking like a baby.

Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers everyone. I am starting to believe this might be our keeper!!