It's over

The holiday that is. I am so grateful that it is done. I was reading all of these blogs about how great their holidays were and how wonderful it was to see family. Hahaha!! I am going to tell the truth. My holidays blew!!! It was horrible, stressful and no fun. C was cutting his two front teeth so he was cranky and not wanting to be anywhere but home. It is hard to take a baby who is wanting to crawl everywhere and get into everything to people's houses that are not baby proofed. Plus having to drag the packnplay everywhere and all the other baby stuff was crazy.

Christmas eve was the best of the days. C was good slept in the pnp in the basement but he was away from all the noise and commotion so he did well. He looked so cute and peaceful sleeping.

Christmas day I thought it would be a good idea to have all the grandparents over for an open house to see C. We don't have to get dressed, leave or do anything that day. Well wouldn't you know they all showed up at the same time in our tiny house? It seemed like a good idea at the time but it was not. We will not be doing that next year.

The Saturday after Christmas was a nightmare. C slept maybe 45 min the whole day. It was too loud and too crazy for him. There was no place to crawl around at one house and then with his baby cousin there it was even worse. They commandeered the crib, high chair and other baby items. Pissed me off at the end. There are other babies here now!!!

Every year we play games at Rich's dad's house. Every year it is a nightmare. I will never play again. Too many sore losers and rule sticklers. Everyone gets a gift so who gives a fuck? We left while they were still playing. I had had enough and put my foot down.

C got in the car after we finally left and he started chatting and talking in such a cute and clam way. No more crying and fighting us. I think he knew what was going on and knew it was not the place for us.

We both got a bunch of crap we don't want or need. Next year I am telling them no gifts. Donate to a charity in my name if you must do something. We got more freaking movie GC. We have some from two years ago still. I finally gave some of them away so someone will use them. We do not see movies. Even before we had C, we didn't really go much because Rich is not a movie person. Never has been, never will be.

Some snide comments were made about daycare centers. I let that one go for the most part. At least my kid isn't watch TV every morning and exposed to chicken pox before he can get the vaccine. Yes my BIL got a call that a kid that their sitter watches has the chicken pox. Crazy!!

C wasn't allowed to play with his cousin much. Evidently we have too many germs or aren't good enough for them. Whatever!!

The thing that made me most mad is the comments made because C sleeps thru the night. I am well aware of the fact we are extremely lucky. C goes down around 6:30-7:00 every night and wakes up around 6:30 am. He hasn't been up at night since he got sick in July. I tell everyone I know we are very lucky that he is like this. I can't help that your child still gets up in the night. Maybe he takes after his mom because she can't sit still. She always has to be doing something. C takes after me. I love to sleep and so does he and he is cranky without enough. So stop making comments about C going right back to sleep at home and not waking us up. Stop feeding your kid junk and snacks 24/7 that are for toddlers. He is a baby, maybe treat him like one? She is the one that kept pushing him to grow up so fast. There you go.

Next year we need to have better communication between Rich and I. He was less than helpful with C and I was left to do more than my fair share. Of course he needs to eat, but when brunch sucked and there was not much I liked I am going to need to eat soon too. We have already talked about this so he knows the deal.

Also next year we have decided we are starting a new tradition. We are going away between Christmas and New Years. We are going someplace with a cabin, snow and have fun with the three of us. No shuffling around between houses and we can do our holiday get togethers before Christmas or after new years and spread them out. Rich & I neither one enjoy this time of year and it is time to change it. Start our own new, fun traditions.

So anyway, I truly hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday and a fantastic new year. 2008 has been the best year ever for us!!!!!!

Better Days

Things are better right now. C is sleeping better at daycare the past couple days so he has been in a better mood at night. He has 4 teeth working on coming thru and just last night started doing the army crawl everywhere.

I went out with a wonderful friend last night for dinner and that improved my mood tremendously. I think maybe I needed some "me" time.

Working on the work situation. Have some ideas in mind and hoping one of them comes to head. I may have a better idea after tomorrow.

Christmas is just crap. So unsure what we are going to do. As of right now I don't want to do anything with any family.

I am super pissed at my parents for taking C to see Santa (for the first time)at a local farm/restaurant while they were there eating. I have to deal with that soon as at the time I was too shocked to say anything.

I am going to see the therapist tomorrow and will unload on her. I am so glad she convinced me to make appts every 3 weeks over the holidays. I thought I wouldn't need them, LOL!

Hard Times

This is a depressing post so skip it if you are in a good mood or don't want to listen to me complain.

I don't know if it is the weather, the holidays or what but I am seriously in a funk. I am so blah and unmotivated to do anything. Work is just going along, our project got defeated so I am back to bored. Our families are fighting with us and throwing guilt trips about the holidays. I am feeling very anti-social lately. I don't want to go to any of the holiday obligations and parties. I got a migraine again before my work holiday party. Being a working mother and motherhood in general sucks right now. I hope that things look up and change after the holidays are over.

The families fighting over time for the holidays has me really angry, stressed and sad. We had it all planned out and now we are expected to go to one more place. So we have solved the problem for the next year and beyond. We are leaving town on Christmas Day. We figure there won't be much traffic on the actual day in the afternoon/evening. We will find someplace to stay until the new year. We don't even care where, we just need to have a fun time for Christmas for once. This is a major problem with having all our family close and they don't want to spread it out. They all expect it to be within the few days we have off and it is too much, especially with a little one. C didn't nap at all on Thanksgiving because of all the noise and people at both houses we went to and we paid for it on Friday. They don't understand or care about this. They just want to see C. I understand that, but that is why we made our house open on Christmas Day so they can stop over whenever they would like. We can keep C's schedule and they can see him on Christmas Day. They still expect us to travel around even with our little baby.

This has made me blue, depressed and short tempered. Rich & I are arguing more and I am short on patience with C. He is paying for my bad moods in that I am disinterested in him. C is whiny and cranky all the time right now. He is frustrated because he can't get to stuff that he wants. He is starting to do a slow army crawl but he wants so much stuff and can't get to it or he isn't allowed to have it. He is also teething with 4 teeth visible which adds to the crank. I do not want to be with him or spend time with him right now. He is not napping at daycare, going to bed as soon as we get home and then gets mad because we have to wake him up to eat dinner. He is getting up really early and I am so not a morning person. It is so trying.

I feel like a horrible mother because I am just not wanting to be with C right now at all. I do not feel like doing things with him and everything seems to be a battle right now. Diaper changes, playing, going in the car, going to bed are all battles. Everyday all the time we are with him he is whining or crying. I hope this phase goes by soon.

Daycare is annoying the crap out of me. I am so aggravated with them and their "opinions" on what is best for C. They have cornered us a few times on things we are doing that they don't like. They are badgering us about feeding him more often. He is still a baby, not even 8 months old yet. We think they want to stuff him full so he will leave them alone. I think he wants more interaction time and they can't give it to him. Two new babies will be coming in before the end of the year because one boy is leaving for the next room and another is being forced out. I know that C will not be ready for the next room at 10 months. One of the boys is ready for sure, he is almost walking. The other is not doing that, is barely crawling and is very needy. I think we may look at our options after the first of the year. Start looking at other daycare centers or sitters.

Rich really wants me to stay home and we have talked about this possibility before. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can tolerate the whining, crying and bad days all day. I don't know if it is a good thing for either of us for me to stay at home.

I have cut down on the caffeine for the migraines and I am exhausted all the time. I do not want to be social and I want to stay by myself in my cube and my house. I am not a fun person to be around right now so my apologies if you have to be around me. This is just me right now. I am no fun.

We have a tree

There is a Christmas tree up in my living room. It is not decorated yet, but it is up in my house. So what you may ask? Everyone has a tree up this time of year. Well it is a huge deal this year. We have not had a tree since 2005. We just never felt the desire or need to put one up. Why put it up when we won't be home and neither of us was very excited to celebrate another anniversary of a D&C or another year without a little one in the house.

Well since C is here this year we decided to put the big tree up. We did this on Sunday afternoon during C's big nap. After struggling with the tree and directions we finally got it all up and fluffed out. We turned the lights on, (side note- whoever thought to put the lights already on fake tress is a hero in my book) I turned to Rich with tears streaming down and said "We have a tree in our house". We have a tree in our house because I have a son sleeping in his room. There is an extra stocking to be hung, toys to put under the tree, Santa Claus pictures to have taken, Christmas cards to send out and joy to be had this year. There is a wonderful reason for the season this year. I am so thankful to have C here and in our lives.

We have a baby's first Christmas ornament that Rich picked out and put on a prominent branch in the front of the tree. We both teared up when he placed that one on the tree. Even though he has been here for almost 8 months it still seems unreal at times. I really hope to have a magical time this year and enjoy seeing it thru C's eyes.

Better than expected

No one has called about C. I am shocked. I did head off one call by calling my parents and telling them first before I posted. I guess I just didn't put enough faith that they wouldn't blow up. Now if I would have mentioned the nerve palsy I think that would have set them all off.

Posted

Posted about the eye stuff on the private blog. Don't try to call us tonight.

To tell or not

First things first, the second opinion went far better. It lasted an hour. Dr. C did a bunch of tests and really spent time with C and us. C had to have his eyes dilated again and it got to be nap time so he wasn't happy at the end, but overall he did well. Dr. C said he saw NO SIGNS of a muscle or nerve palsy. This was wonderful news. He did see that he is farsighted. His left eye is greater than his right and that is why his left eye turns in more. Dr. C said that if it is 3 or less they normal grow out of it and don't need glasses later in life. C is at 3 for the left and 2 for the right. Otherwise his eyes look perfectly normal and healthy inside. Dr. C told me the other Dr has a rough bedside manner, but he is a good Dr. Whatever dude! Dr. C was very good and very thorough. I trust him and his opinion totally. He said we will look at C again in 6 months. Works for us.

Now, Rich & I have had this discussion on whether to tell the families or not. Part of me says yes so they know not to get in his face to try and get his attention. It will not work. Part of me says no because then we are going to get bombarded with calls all the time. That is what the other blog was for, so we didn't have to call after every appt and milestone. Everyone can read it on their own. I guess it is for selfish reasons I don't want to share the news with our families. I like my evenings to be peaceful and stress-free.

My turn now

I have had two migraines (my first two ever) in less than two weeks so I had to go to the Dr today. She said I need to cut down on the caffeine, chocolate and get a low glare thing for the computer. She gave me samples if they start again. If I have two in less than 1 month, I will have to have a head CT done. She is hoping it will just be some blip on the screen and they will go away. Dr said they are classic migraines.

But my blood pressure was high both times it was taken there. Hypertension as well as migraines run in the family. I have to start eating better, checking my BP and taking care of myself. So I guess I am jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else trying to loose weight and get in better shape. This is good motivation though. I wanted to start swim classes with C next spring and there is no way I would get in a bathing suit now. Guess I better check on daycare at the gym.

Better Today

I just needed to get all of that off my chest. It has been such a huge stress and worry for me.

We already have the second opinion set up and thanks to another friend who is working on a third. If C needs surgery, we will need to see a different Dr anyway so I would rather start establishing that relationship now.

We are still not mentioning it to our families right now.

Thanks for all the thoguhts and prayers coming our way for little C. It is appreciated.

Comments are back on now as well. :)

Paralyzer

This post is going to be a rant filled post and tons of talk about C so reader beware.

This issue I am about to discuss has caused me a huge amount of worry & stress. It is not going on the private blog for now.

I took C to the eye Dr today because we had noticed he is still cross eyed at times and the pediatrician said that should have gone away at 2 months. So I get to the children's hospital and I saw the Dr for a total of 2 minutes. He looked at his dilated eyes, pushed his head until he cried and said he has a 4th nerve paralysis. He said he recommends we wait 6 more months because sometimes it gets better. Then he left. Now how do I take the fact that you just told me my baby's eye nerve is paralyzed and that you just walk out? Not very well. I had already at that point decided to get a second opinion. This is C's vision we are talking about. Not something to take lightly.

I am beyond pissed, but not just at the Dr. I am pissed at the world. WTF??? Why does all this shit keep happening to us? Why do we have to keep fighting with the medical world and have all this crazy stuff happen? Why does C have to be affected this time? I can take a nasty diagnosis for me. I can shoot up my still bruised & cyst filled stomach for 8 months, but why my baby?

According to what I read during his short nap he is seeing double right now. He also tips his head to the side to compensate. He has tipped his head to the right since birth. Remember when I talked about him not looking at us? Well it all makes sense now. It was too much stimulation for him since he was seeing us double. Everything I read so far also says it doesn't get better and surgery after 6 months is usually performed.

As I look at my beautiful baby boy rolling on the floor taking toys off his play gym(don't know how he managed the one he has) I am sad, scared & worried. Will we ever have a normal time? Or is this our new normal? Specialists from pre-conception onward. Ear infections that turn into bacteria in the blood. Never getting to have a normal Dr visit where all is well. This is just the beginning.

Do I have it in me to do this? Do I have it in me for the next fight, and the next, and the next?

Then I look at C (who is now rolling the play gym with him and trying to get into daddy's camera bag) and I know I do. I have to do this for him. I want him to really have normal vision. So I will fight to get the right Dr and diagnosis. I have already made an appt for a second opinion. I will do what I need to for him, whatever it takes.

Trust your instinct if you suspect something isn't right, maybe you will be wrong, but the majority of the time mom's are right.

Because when I look at C and he gives me that huge, open mouth smile, I realize something. All of the fights; past, present and future are so worth it. I will fight for him because that is what a mother does for her son.

** Comments are turned off for this post. I really don't want sunshine blown up my ass right now. Everything is not all right or OK. This whole situation fucking sucks!

first time in a long time

I cried at the therapy session. There are lots of things going on right now that is really stressful for me. I am anxious and worried. We talked about Autumn a lot and how to deal with it being right in my face now. It helps alot. I am still grieving for her which I don't think I realized until today.

Then today I get back and there are pink balloons. There is a baby shower for them today. The hits just keep on coming.

Mrs Spock thanks for the comment about the angel wall. I will be sending my info to her.

Thanks for everyone still reading and commenting. It means alot to me. I never thought I would still need the support.

Meeting

I met the baby named Autumn. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I only saw her for a brief second. She is a preemie and is very tiny. They were really rushed to get her around to see everyone. So that is over now. Still very sad to hear them talk about her after they left and say her name out loud.

Cube walls are thin **Edited**

A guy that sits near me at work is back from his paternity leave. He has been back for a week after his wife had their baby a couple weeks ago. He doesn't speak very much and is pretty quiet. I never heard what they named their baby until last week. Their little girl's name is Autumn. Luckily for me he is very quiet. This is going to be hard.

Edited to add -
He is bringing her up to visit today. I am going to need some strength today. Or a drink, either works.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Today is a day to remember BB, Autumn and all of the other angels taken too soon. If you have lost a little one, my thoughts are with you today.

I really need to get down to the angel statute soon. We have teddy bears for our two angels. I really need to make it a priorty some time soon on the weekend and just go. Maybe I will jsut have to make the drive by myself, but I need to go down soon. I feel bad that we haven't been down there in over a year.

Do I really need a paycheck?

It has been one of those days once again. I really wish I could work from home. I think I would do much better not being in a cube and dealing with office drama. Actually I would love to be my own boss. Any ideas on how to do that?

So on days like today I just keep my headphones on and repeat to myself "I have never been fired before, don't start now" and "I need a paycheck".

Autumn's Day

Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be. I thought since C was here it would be easier. Well it wasn't. It was so hard. I was ok during the day at work, but that afternoon and night I was a mess. I took C on a walk in the neighborhood to calm him and I was just hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I couldn't stop crying and thinking about our little girl. Autumn would have been one. I was thinking that she would have a big frilly party dress to twirl around in. I told C about her yesterday. First time I had really talked to him about all of the before him stuff.

It really was a double-edged sword for me yesterday though. I was grieving my little girl, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't have C. I got pregnant with C when I should have still been pregnant with Autumn. It is so hard because I now know and understand what I missed with my other babies. But at the same time maybe C wouldn't be here either.

No clever title this time

Something has been nagging at me this weekend and I wasn’t able to figure it out until just now. I found my old calendar and ultrasound picture today. I thought these were lost in the move while I was out on leave. My old calendar has a pink heart on the date for this Thursday. Autumn would be one year old. My heart is hurting so much for my baby girl that I didn’t even realize it. I love C with all my heart, but I miss Autumn too.

On a separate note, I am torn on what to do with this blog. I know that the title says and beyond, but I am not as comfortable writing about the and beyond here. Too many people in real life know about this one. I will never take it down as it was an important part of my life and a great place to get everything out, but I would like some anonymity as well. I don’t regret one bit that I shared it with all of you and it helped me tremendously, I am lost. I don’t know where to fit in anymore.

So maybe this is one last call. Someone bring the whiskey and beer.

Uninspired

Still here just not inspired to write anything right now. I can't even get it together enough to write on C's blog.

Presentation is supposed to go forward today. We shall see.

Lots of thoughts floating around, but I feel I should be censored on here.

Hopefully more later.

Guilt & Disappointment

Disappointment #1: I hate cube farm life. I sit on the other side of a woman who thinks she is queen bee of a local snobby city. Everyone knows the attitude of people living there. They think they are the shit. This lady is always on the phone doing personal crap for her kids football and cheerleading teams. Then she complains she is so busy and wanting others to help her. They don't jump up to help because they aren't stupid, they hear her too. I was supposed to find out if we were moving soon, but that got canceled.

Disappointment #2: I have been working on a huge project at work the past couple weeks. We need to make money in our dept and we have been trying to find ways to do that. We had all worked really hard on getting the data together. I made an awesome presentation and had it all ready to go Tuesday for the meeting Wednesday. We find out an hour before the meeting it has been cancelled and rescheduled for two weeks. Bummer since we were all pumped up for it and ready to roll.

Disappointment #3: This is the big one. A few weeks ago I was given a new project to work on. It was a big challenge and a big undertaking for me. It was a new course and a new way for it to be accepted. I was working with a different dept and it was really important for a certain population of this country who need good representation (sorry to be vague, but I cannot give specifics as it would give away my employer). Anyway things were going well & I was getting lots of approvals. Then the other dept decided my part wasn't as important and pushed it to the side. I was very proud of this project and the people I was helping. It made me feel so good every time another approval came in. My coworkers have my back on this one though. One of them already stuck up for me to the rest of the dept and my boss about this and all the hard work I did.

So all of this getting dumped on me has made me question my being here and if what I do really matters. It has been a rough couple days.

Guilt #1: I am here at work and not with C because I want to do good things and feel good about the work I do. I am here at work because I really felt good about what I was doing lately. I was helping people who really needed it and I was trying to find a way to make money so everyone could keep their jobs.

Guilt #2: I realized I have no clue what C does all day. I know the basics that they write down on the form, but I don't know the details. What toy does he like? Does he even like toys since he seems to care less about them at home? What songs does he like? Is he still using the swaddle blanket? Why did he go 5 hrs between feedings yesterday?

I was really feeling good about working and my part in the scheme of things. I enjoyed the work and doing a good job. It was new, exciting & challenging. Rich will tell you I am sure that I was excited about the things I was doing, the new things I was learning and helping people who need it. I felt better leaving C at daycare everyday knowing that what I was doing was helping and making a difference, whether it be for strangers or co-workers. I think it was just a bunch of disappointments that arrived all together and deflated my little happy balloon.

I have some other IF related things to write about, but I need to get this little pity party out first today. Thanks for reading if you finished.

Offer

So my old job contacted me a couple weeks ago to try and fill a position. I was contacted as they want me back really bad. I am the first choice. I was tempted as I knew I could make as much as I do FT now at PT there. I was also hoping to negotiate working just 3 days a week so that I would have 4 days with C. This way I would still be working and making money, but be with C the majority of the time. I figure I could tolerate it just 3 days a week. Also I wouldn't have as high daycare costs since I would use a grandparent. I would still pay them but not as much as daycare.

Well I finally heard back from them today. They want FT and at the minimum 6hrs/day everyday. Go back to all that stress and pressure everyday, no thank you. I will stay where I am at for now.

I guess everything works out for a reason.

Reflections

One year ago yesterday we got the call we had been hoping for/dreading. Pregnancy test was positive and too high to be left over from the second HCG shot. And so begain that rollercoaster ride. It is so hard to believe that I am sitting here a year later with an absolutely perfect and adorable 16 week old little boy. I never thought that at that point last year I would make it to a point where we would have a healthy and happy baby. I never thought that 2 shots a day would get me to where I had just dreamed of being. Thank goodness for modern medicine!!! It has been very useful to us in the past year.

The IF road was so bumpy, bruising and a roller coaster ride for us. I am glad to be off the ride for now, but it is still a part of me and who I am today. I think a lot of relatives have forgotten what it took to get C here and have him arrive healthy and alive. Just because I don’t want to let him stay with you all the time or let him stay overnight at this point doesn’t make me a bitchy mom. It makes me an over-protective mama bear. And when I want to hold him instead of you that is ok, that is my choice. Or if we take the crib bumpers out if are worried because there is no monitor in that room that is ok too.

This is going to sound totally crazy and off the wall, but in some ways I am thankful for the IF. I know in my heart that Rich and I can make it thru anything together. We have already been thru hell so everything else is a piece of cake. I think that maybe that is why we seem to get along so well, too well maybe sometimes. I think that IF has made me a stronger person as well. I don’t back down and I am not as wimpy as I used to be. I stand up for what I think is best and if you don’t like my opinion that is ok, but I am not going to change to go with the majority.

This post ended up all over the place and not where the original one was going or so I thought. That’s what you get from me though. Especially anymore I find myself scatter-brained, unmotivated and all over the place at any given moment.

Thankful for therapy

I am so glad that I decided to go back to the therapist. If was definitely needed. It helped out a ton, but I still need to go back.

She helped me to see that Rich’s Mom is just an anxious person who is always going to need something to worry about. She has just picked the dogs and C to be what she is going to obsessively worry about. We need to do what is best for our family and not worry about her feelings. If she has hurt feelings, so what? What is best for C and us is number one.

This weekend we will be going to Rich’s mom’s house for his grandma’s birthday. Did you get that? It will be interesting to see what happens with her and see if she says anything. I doubt it. I think sometimes she is just so oblivious to what is going on.

I think I may be getting my PPD now. I have been more emotional and on the edge lately. Stupid little things are upsetting me. I am not feeling like being as social as I normally would. I just feel like spending time at home and that is where things started before. I am hoping maybe it is just all the stress lately that is really getting me down. We are starting the busy birthday season for Rich’s family so I keep thinking about all the weekends just slipping away with all the running around and craziness coming up. Things at work are stressful too. Lots of big changes going on that we aren’t being made aware of until after the fact.

Now what?

Rich talked to his mom about the dog situation. He told her we are not idiots and we don't leave C alone with the girls. He told her we are tired of the comments. She said that she is very worried about the dogs and Cameron. I don't see an end to her stupid comments so I guess that is that. We just have to ignore her. We will be telling her she is no longer allowed to come over next time she asks. We will just bring C to see her when it is convenient for us, end of story. It is too stressful and not fair to our dogs.

I think the thing that is bugging both of us the most is that she is questioning our parenting abilities and what we are doing with C. We are not the idiot child she does have so I don't know why she is picking on us. We can afford to feed and clothe our child, we took all the classes and we know mostly what we are doing. Parenting is a fly by the seat of your pants ride sometimes, but the basics are down. I knew this would happen since she would question what we did with the dogs before C came along. It just sucks when she has always questioned everything about Rich & I. We mirror his mom & dad's relationship so much and I think that is her whole deal. Maybe it is time to tell her we are not them, we are stronger and in it for the long haul. She needs to cut the strings and let us be the adults. If not the resentment will just keep building.

The sad thing for me is that Rich's parents don't care about him anymore. They still love him and care, but it is all about C now. This year for Rich's b-day his dad & step-mom got him a movie GC. Rich doesn't like movies at all. There are certain ones he is ok with, but if given the choice to do something that is not something he would pick. They told us the reason they got it was so they could baby-sit. There is no thought given to Rich & what he is interested in. It was all about them.

I totally understand that C is important part of their lives now as he is in ours. But I wish they wouldn't forget about their wonderful, smart & caring first born son as well. He is an amazing dad and would do anything for C or for me.

Bitch

This post is exactly why my two blogs are not linked in anyway. This is all about my MIL and why she is no longer welcome at my house.

Last night she wanted to come see C. That’s fine, but she was complaining that she never gets to see him. Well he was over at your house for 3.5 hrs before Mother’s day and you weren’t interested, why the all the sudden do you want to see him? Anyway Rich told her to come over after 6:30 pm. So we hurry up and get C from daycare, give him a bath and eat dinner. He is pretty sleepy when she gets there, but is still a little bit awake. I had given him a bath and then handed him to Rich while I ate dinner.

Now everyone knows we have two huskies. They are a part of our family. They are our girls and we treat them very well. They get to lie on the couches and have their own room that they stay in while we are at work or out of the house. They have been a part of our family for almost 6 yrs. This is nothing new. When people come to the house the dogs think they are coming to see them still. If you just give them a little attention and pet them first then they calm down. They may bring toys to ask you to play with them or give you licks to just show that they like you. Huskies don’t really bark, they howl and make noise to get your attention. Shelby & Skyler are very good dogs who are very much a part of who we are.

Now before C was even born, MIL made comments about huskies and babies. Every time she calls she talks about the dogs and have they done anything to C or how are they doing with C. We know not to leave them alone with C. We assume that nothing will ever happen, but you never do really know. Better to be safe then sorry. If he is asleep in his room the door is closed. We let the dogs sniff and lick C except for his face and hands. They have accepted C and we haven’t had any problems, if we did we would address them. C has actually started noticing the dogs and is following them with his eyes as they walk around. Shelby has to check for C when we come home before she goes outside. It is actually pretty cute.

We also try to keep the dogs away from people or occupied, but that only lasts for so long. Peanut butter bones and treats do eventually get eaten and the novelty wears off.

So last night MIL came over and started making some comments about not wanting S & S near C while she is holding him. OK fine, but when you didn’t pet them or acknowledge them when you come in they are going to be all over you until you do. So in a snotty tone she tells them to go outside or to the Florida room. She keeps telling them to get away. So I go outside to try and get them to calm down and cool off myself. We were out there for about 20 min until it was time to feed C. I come in and then they get a little excited again. She makes more comments and my blood is boiling at this point. I am not an idiot and neither are my girls. They are very good dogs they just like attention. I decide to stay out in the kitchen to make bottles for today and his one for his next feeding. Then when Rich takes C to be changed she tries to talk to me. Are you kidding me? I do not want to talk to her at all.

We had already agreed that MIL would not feed C due to the fact that she cannot burp him right and he has a horrible time with spit up every time she does feed him. Plus she had some auto-immune disease that has made her loose control of her hands and gripping. I also hadn’t seen C at all so Rich hands him to me to feed him.

So I was very angry last night because I felt like she was treating members of my family badly by making mean comments and getting upset because they wanted some attention. I also felt like she was insulting us as parents and a family. She has always made mean and nasty comments about the dogs and especially the dogs and C. So since it is just too much stress she is no longer welcome at our house. When she wants to see C we will come to her and it will have to be when it is convenient for us. I am totally fine with telling her this too. It is too stressful to have people there who don’t understand or care about our girls.

Probably doesn’t help that that I got some bad news at work before I left yesterday. They didn’t dock my pay checks for the part time hrs and unpaid time so my next three paychecks will be significantly short. Good times! My check is direct deposit and I didn’t really pay attention since a couple of my check were smaller due to the disability pay I assumed it was all ok. So until the middle of September all my checks will be docked.

I am so ready for a drink and a vacation!! I guess with the paycheck situation I will settle for a drink at home.

Struggling

Maybe it is the hormones of getting my cycle back (Shocking I know. I might actually be regular for a little while) or just being a mother, but I can’t stop thinking about Cameron. I always want to be with him. I like to change his diapers, comfort him when he is upset and play with him when he is awake. I watch the clock like crazy and am always ready to go before 5.

I think Rich said it best this morning, I am struggling. I am struggling to stay here at work and stay motivated and concentrated on it. I can’t keep my mind off what I might be missing. They said he will be rolling over soon. Am I going to miss the first one? I know they don’t tell you if it is the first one, so I always wonder if we see things first or not.

I know for now I have to stay here at work. We need to get 4 trees cut down in our backyard and the house gutters need to be replaced. Stimulus money was supposed to take care of the gutters, but the new AC unit took that and more.

We are also concerned that Cam is not looking at us very much, not even when we speak directly to him. All of the development websites say he should be doing this by now. I know that babies develop differently, but it is still concerning. Especially since everything else seems to be on track. I want him to look at us when we speak to him sometimes. He loves to look at toys, books and shadows on the wall. He is always talking to the shadows on the bedroom wall. He is extremely curious about everything around him. When we are out to eat or in a store he is very intrigued and looks around all the time. I wonder if this is a product of daycare and being left alone to entertain him self? I want him to be independent, but still need human contact and attention. I love the snuggle time when I get it.

We are going to talk to daycare tomorrow about our concerns and see what they have to tell us. Maybe he is engaging with them all day and is just tired at night. That is what I hope anyway. Plus maybe it will force them to pay attention to him a little bit more too. We would do it this after noon, but the afternoon teacher is only there from 3-6 and he is normally asleep then.

Cam sleeps the majority of the time when we are at home at night. He just isn’t taking long naps at school so he is sleeping in the evenings. I know he needs to sleep but I miss my awake and playful little guy.

I mentioned to Rich that I think the worrying is much worse now that he is out of the womb. I almost think it was easier with him on the inside. Before all we worried about was if he was growing ok, his heartbeat was ok and he was still alive. Now I still worry if he is alive, but there are tons of other worries compounded on top of that basic one. How do you do it? How do you get past all of the worry when you aren’t with them all the time? I feel like if I was with him 24/7then I would know if this was normal behavior for him because he is usually interactive during the day. But I don’t know if this is the case and have to rely on others to tell me what is normal with my son. THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 Years

Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Or so the saying goes. I am not sure that time will ever heal the wounds from miscarriage, but maybe they are scarring over a little thicker and I am not picking at the scabs so much.

There are so many things I could say but no words eloquent enough to say it and honor BB’s memory. Happy second birthday BB!! We love you so much and miss you.

I hope Cam is ready for lots of big hugs tonight.

Reminder

When I got pregnant in 2005 I of course was very excited. I figured this was it, we were going to have a baby in July 2006. So I signed up for all the samples I could. Formula, diapers, e-mail reminders – anything I could get my hands on. We had wanted a baby for so long and I just figured well we got the hard part done finally so we were good to go. As we all know that didn’t work out that way. So I had to contact all the companies and tell them I had miscarried and to take me off their lists. All of them complied except for one.

So the company who shall not remain nameless (HUGGIES) still sends me the coupons despite my asking them repeatedly to take them off. Now normally I wouldn’t mind getting coupons. Coupons rock, I am all about saving money. No Huggies has to put this horrible reminder on each coupon booklet. YOU HAVE A XX MONTH OLD! The XX would be whatever months BB should be. We usually get these every 3-6 months. This time it said you have a 24 month old and it had the pull-ups advertised and all these big kids on the front. They also have games and songs inside geared toward that aged child. If the coupons booklets were generic that would be ok, but with the every few month reminder, it just sucks. I refuse to use Huggies on Cameron for principal that they don’t listen to their consumers. If anyone else uses them and wants the coupons I would be more than happy to pass them on. They are generic coupons inside. I would love to try and copy them somehow and pass them to everyone on the internet to make them really hurt where it counts, in the bottom line. They hurt me every few months, why shouldn’t I be able to return the favor?

I am staying

Well on the blog anyway. So I guess my last post really peaked everyone’s interest. I guess I should say that I feel I am not a regular mom for worrying so much, but in that respect I guess I am. I feel that I worry about Cameron so much and for so many reasons, some of them weird and I think Rich sometimes think I over react so I thought I was just the odd one out. Glad to know I am in such good company. 

As for the job front, I am still struggling with that. This is the end of the first full week for me. While it hasn’t been perfect or fun at work, it hasn’t been totally horrible either. Today is really hard though because one of the girls here had a baby about two weeks before me and today is her last day. She is staying home with her little guy. Makes me very wishful.

Rich finally admitted to me what he wants me to do. I asked for his opinion, but I will make my own decision. Lord knows I don’t do well with people telling me what to do. I think in my heart I know what I want to do, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. I am hoping that Rich and I can get some uninterrupted time this weekend to really sit down and talk about everything. It has been so hard since we haven’t been home too much due to the no air conditioning. I probably won’t be making any final decisions until the end of the month. I made an appt with the therapist at the end of the month because I have a lot of feelings and issues I need to get out before I make the final decision.

One of the comments on the last post was about how natural a mother I seem to be. That has been one of the most amazing things in this process. It did come very naturally for me. I felt like I knew Cam by the time he was 5 weeks old. I was the one who knew how to comfort him and could distinguish his cries. I was the one who helped Rich to calm him down and help him understand his son. I think now I see the big picture in that respect. Pregnancy is only 9 months long, but raising a child is forever. Cam will always be my son no matter what happens to me financially, emotionally or physically. I will always be his mother and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I am certainly enjoying being a mother more than I did pregnancy. Yes, feeling him move around in me was cool, but seeing him smile at me and talk to me and hearing him try to laugh and comfort him when he is upset is way cooler than the kicks. This is what I always dreamed about was the baby part, the pregnancy was just a means to the end. I don’t think it matters how he got here anymore, he is here and in my arms. That is what really matters.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

That is the question on my mind for several issues in life right now.

First off, this blog. Do I keep updating it and writing on it? I will never take it down as it is too much of a personal history and accomplishment to not leave it up for others to see, read and take a little piece away with them. I am so torn. Torn because I don’t feel like I fit in with the regular mommies. The ones who know that everything is ok and don’t worry about their child not breathing at night or worrying that they have been swaddled too tight or funny and that their arm is broken. The IF will never go away and I think it may be haunting me more now then during pregnancy. The guilt is there and the unresolved feelings are there just bubbling away at the surface. I just don’t feel like I have an appropriate place to express them anymore.

The second is work. I am back full time this week. Not even thru the full first day yet and I am ready to go. I am not happy here career wise and it just isn’t enough for me. I am a fast worker and get my stuff done at rapid speed. Because everyone else is slow, they don’t think I can handle anymore. I ask for more stuff and it is brushed off. So I am done with asking about that. Plus I don’t make much money and about ½ of my take home pay will go to day care. But I feel bad and guilty if I don’t work. Like I am not contributing to the household income and not contributing to society as a whole.

So I guess I am just lost right now trying to find out where my piece fits in the big puzzle.

birth story finally

WARNING - This is extremely long, detailed and probably TMI. Well better late then never I guess. This is mostly for my benefit for later on down the road.

Friday I had already decided would be my last day of work. It was my due date so I figured something would happen in the next week anyway. Since I knew when I conceived I felt we were getting pretty close to the end. I figured that I would have some of the next week to finish Cletus' room and get ready for him. Of course everyone knows I was wrong.

Saturday I was really tired and that afternoon started having bloody show. I called my dad to see if he would be available still to dog sit that night. He was leaving on Sunday for Pittsburgh and the dogs would have to be boarded the next day if nothing happened. I started having more contractions that evening but they quit again around 10. So I went to bed.

Around 1:45 am Sunday I started having contractions again. They were stronger but sporadic. Around 4 am they were getting stronger and 5 min apart consistently. I woke Rich up to tell him and he promptly fell back to sleep. I said a few curse words and let him sleep. At this time I made a deal with Cletus that he needed to wait until later that day because we needed to get the dogs to the kennel. He needed to wait until 10 am until they opened. Weird enough that the contractions stopped at 6 am and I got some sleep until about 10:30 when they started again.

We got the dogs ready to go and dropped them off around noon. I was still having contractions pretty consistent at 4-5 min apart but not too bad yet. When we got back home I got on the birth ball we had here and started really feeling the contractions. I told Rich to call the Dr and find out what to do. He called and Dr. G said to come in. This is where I got really nervous. I was afraid we would call the birth center and we wouldn't be able to get in again. I had Rich call again and they said to come on in. I started crying because it was like everything was meant to be. The week before when we went to the hospital and the birth center couldn't take us, it was just meant to be.

So we got everything together including all Rich's snacks and left for the hospital. Rich surprised with a CD of music he had made for us about it being our time now and having a baby. Of course, this made me cry as well.

We parked in the garage at the hospital and went right up to the birth center. We were given the third room at the end. We got there around 2:30pm on Sunday. We got checked in and paperwork was done. They checked me and I was 3-4 and 100% effaced. The nurse suggested we start walking the halls to try and get things going. So we did. We would walk for a 1/2 hr or more and then come back to rest and for monitoring. Every hour they would check Cletus' heart rate to make sure he was handling labor ok. So this went on for hours. I was checked again before the nurse left at 7:00 pm. Still 3-4 cm. A little discouraging but not too bad yet. The next nurse was really nice. She walked with us and showed us some new places to walk to the regular hospital and some different positions to use to try and get the baby down. The contractions were getting more painful and more intense as the night goes on.

At 10:30 pm I was still 3-4 cm and very discouraged. I started talking about induction with pitocin and an epidural. Even though my goal was natural childbirth in the water I felt myself hit that wall. I was exhausted and ready to give in. This is when some friends of ours brought Rich some food and gave me some encouragement. Especially since they brought their little guy and I remembered what all this was for.

I should explain the whole food situation. Rich gets very crabby and grumpy if he doesn't eat. So I was concerned that if he didn't eat he would be a grouch and useless to me. We had packed tons of snacks for him and he was able to order food from the hospital and just pay for it. I was also able to eat during labor which was nice as well.

Around 2:30 am Monday I think the nurse knew it was getting bad for me. I wasn't really walking around or leaving the room anymore. I was just sitting on the birth ball and dealing with contractions that way. She asked me if I wanted her to call Dr. G and see if he would let me have a shot to help me get some rest. I agreed since I was still at 3-4 and was totally exhausted from contractions and walking the halls. I got the shot around 3:00 am and was able to rest some. I wasn't able to rest a ton since the contractions were still there just not as intense and Rich was snoring really loud next to me in the bed. I did feel some what better when Dr. G came to see me at 6:30 am.

Dr. G checked me then and I was 7 cm. That was encouraging since I hadn't moved since getting to the hospital the day before. I think that was just what I needed to motivate me. Dr. G asked if I wanted him to break my water, I declined at that time. This is hilarious as I told him not to break it then since I hadn't eaten since 7:00 the night before and I wanted breakfast.

So I ate some cereal and toast and we started walking again. We ran into Dr. W and he said whenever I was ready he would come down and break my water. I also got new nurses at this time. I got the nurse from yesterday afternoon back and a new nurse from the ER that was training for the birth center. She was annoying at first with her strong perfume and her condescending tone, but she ended up being very good at the end.

At 10:30 am Dr. W came down to check me as I said I as ready to have the water broken. I was 8 cm then and ready to get the show on the road. It had already been 24hrs of contractions and labor.

This part I haven't told very many people as it is the worst part of the labor and the scariest. After Dr. W broke my water they checked for Cletus' heart tones. The first nurse couldn't find them. I wasn't too concerned yet. It was the new nurse and she wasn't very experienced with the monitor. The experienced nurse started looking then. She also had trouble. At this point I am starting to panic. Dr. W was taking my pulse as well since that is what they were picking up on the monitor. I just kept looking at Rich and he wasn't panicked yet, but I certainly was. It seemed like this took forever but was probably just a few minutes. When they finally found it I started bawling hysterically. I just kept saying we waited too long for this to end badly. The nurses kept telling me to calm down but I couldn't. I was so afraid I made the wrong decision letting the Dr break my water and that I would be responsible for whatever happened.

After this my contractions really get intense and on top of each other so I told the nurses I was ready to get in the tub. The filled the huge jacuzzi tub up and finally I was ready to get in. The Dr and nurses had already made a bet that I would have a lunchtime baby considering how my contractions picked up in intensity after breaking my water.

I got in the tub and that was a huge relief. It felt so good in there. It was nice and warm and felt good to get that weight off my stomach. So the nurses left to get things ready for delivery and told me to let them know when I felt the urge to push. They left the room and the next contraction I felt the need to push. I can't describe what it feels like but you just know it. So Rich said what should we do. And he decided to pull the emergency cord by the tub. Evidently this alerts the nurses in the regular maternity ward and 4 nurses came running. Our nurses told them everything was ok and sent them away. Our nurses then told us that one of them would always be in the bathroom or in the room from then on.

At this point they checked me since I kept saying I needed to push. The new nurse said that I must be complete since I had been in control pretty much the entire time and now I was loosing the control. The nurse checked me and said I just had a little lip of cervix left and I couldn't push yet. This was a blow since I felt the need to push. The contractions were on top of each other and very intense at this point. I kept telling Rich and the nurses I needed to push and they kept telling me no.

Then I decided that the water was too cold and I wanted to get out. So I attempted to get out I was halfway out and realized that it sucked to try and get out of the water. It was way more painful outside of the water. So the nurse drained some water and added some more warmer water and turned the Jacuzzi back on. The waves and bubbles were a nice distraction for me. Plus they had this blow up pool toy that was shaped like a ring. It had bright flowers on it and I would stare at that during the contractions.

At this point my body was really telling me to push but the nurses kept checking gme and saying no. They also were checking me during contractions. At one point I had to tell the nurse to stop and get out since it hurt too much.

I was also saying repeatedly I had to push. Rich said at one point I was repeating I have to push but I goofed and said I pushed. But the funny thing is I caught myself and I only said I pus.. then changed it to I have to push. I don't remember this but could see myself doing it. I know that I did push a little bit a few time to relieve some of the pressure.

Finally I got the all clear to push and I just let it go. It felt so much better to push. I got about 2-3 pushes every contraction. Rich had gotten out to go to the bathroom right before I started pushing. He got back in and some point to help me.

I started really pushing once Dr. W got there. He had Rich sit behind me and I guess one time I leaned back into him to far and cut off his oxygen supply. He told me he couldn't breathe then later. Dr. W then had me sit on Rich's lap while he sat Indian style. That helped some and really helped me push. Then Rich put his legs out in front of him and I was sitting on him thighs. I was also gripping them hard. Rich said they still hurt a couple weeks later. Dr. W told me to curl around the baby and push. 2 pushes later Cameron fka Cletus came flying out into the water. Rich said he felt him hit his foot. There was no stopping for the shoulders or anything he just flew out in one shot. Dr. W reached down and put him on my chest. It was so we rid to still feel him connected by the cord inside me and see him on the outside.

They had told us that water babies don't usually cry and don't be alarmed if he doesn't. Cameron just looked around and up at us and didn't make a peep. Rich was crying and all I said was he had Rich's nose. He started crying a little after Rich cut the cord and Dr. W said there is nothing like a baby's cry. I agreed and said it was so worth the 4 yr wait.

They took Cletus to do all the newborn stuff and helped me out of the tub. I got out finally and bright red blood was pouring out of me. I asked the nurse if that was normal and she said yes, but didn't look convincing. Rich later told me the reason this happened is because the placenta was falling out. I don't remember pushing it out at all so it must have just fallen out.

Dr. W checked me to see if I had a tear. I did a 2nd degree on and he pulled out the big needle to numb me. I about fainted at the point since I had just pushed a baby out and it hurt down there. He also didn't get me numb all the way and I felt the last 3 stitches. I just kept looking at Rich and Cletus to not concentrate on the pain.

The birth experience was exactly what I wanted - a natural birth in the water. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was the most unbelievable experience I have ever had. One thing that still shocks me to this day - I never once cused or said anything mena to Rich or anyone else. I usually have a foul mouth on me, but it didn't happen this time.

So much to say

Things are going pretty well with Cam now. He will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. Where did the time go? He got really fun and more calm after 5.5 weeks. He is over 10 lbs now but still wearing newborn clothes and diapers. I am ok with that. He doesn't need to grow up too fast.

I only have three weeks left of maternity leave. I am so sad when I think about leaving him with daycare. I know he will be fine and the daycare will take care of him, but I still wonder if this is the right thing. Will they burp him and change his diaper when he needs it? Will they snuggle him in the afternoon for his nap and hold him when he needs it. Then I also think about all the time I won't be with him. I will only get a couple hours at night and the weekends. Someday we want a bigger house and other things for Cam so I need to work. I look forward to the adult interaction, but I am dreading leaving him everyday.

Got the all clear at my 6 wk check-up. Told Dr H that there will be no birth control for us. Took us 4 yrs for Cam and I don't like what the hormones do to me anyway along with the clotting factor makes me nervous to take it again as well. He said he didn't blame me and said he was a risk taker too. He did warn me that the second baby can sometimes come quicker. So we have been warned.

Cam is doing really great. He is only waking up 1 time during the night now. He is growing well and is getting so interactive. He is really starting to be more alert and aware of those around him. He knows Rich and I by voice. He loves to play on the floor with his gym and all his toys. He loves being outside and going for walks.

Cam has been on his first overnight trip with my parents. He did really well and we got a full nights sleep. I cried quite a bit at first but eventually started to relax and have fun with Rich. I am sure the beer helped too. :)

Sorry for the lack of updates. I don't get much computer time anymore. Probably won't be too many more until I go back to work since I want to spend all my time with Cam. Someday I will also get my birth story done as well.

C is not for cookie

At least not in our house. It stands for colic which Cam seems to have. He has very fussy times in the early morning and the early evening. It is very hard to just hold him and have him scream no matter what we try and do to help him. Sometimes we can do things to help him, but more often there is nothing to do. Rich is having a hard time dealing with the crying for no reason and it is stressing him out. I try and just relax and get thru it, but the first time it was very hard and I cried right along with Cameron.

Cameron had his first real bath yesterday. He wasn't too mad when we did it and of course we got some pics to embarrass him with later in life.

Cam is starting to turn his head when he feels like it and is getting more control if his neck. That is fun but also hard when we are trying to burp him and he decides to turn his head himself.

The stroller came in finally and we put it together Friday. I hope to take him on walks now that it may stay nice and not as windy.

Daycare called and one of the families is not coming back after the birth of their second child so we are in right away in June when I go back to work. That is a big relief for us. I really wasn't looking forward to having my mom watch him for that long. This way he will get into the day care routine at a younger age which will hopefully help him with the transition. I know nothing will help me with the transition. Rich thinks I won't go back to work. I just don't think that is possible.

Declaration - No relatives week

So I have declared this week as a no relatives week. The step in-law pissed me off yesterday with a stupid comment so I think that if they are going to be pissy and mean about us not coming over when we already have plans, then they have to go a week without seeing Cameron. The other thing that makes me angry and sad is the fact that Rich and I have been married almost 8 yrs and all the in-laws have visited and/or called more in the past two weeks then they have in the past 8 yrs. It is almost like we aren't important until we have a child and then we are interesting enough to visit. Of course then all the attention is on Cam and all they want to do is hold him and annoy me. And when they come over no one offers to help with anything even if I am folding laundry or paying bills right in front of them. I feel weird asking them to help since I feel like we are being judged as it is on our parenting ability.

We had to spend last Tuesday cleaning the house and making it very presentable for the in-laws coming to visit. It made me sad that the last full day Rich had at home, we hoped Cam would sleep for a long time so we could get more cleaning done. Probably why at 1.5 wks post partum I started really having problems again. The nurse said to take it easy or I won't heal. Easier said then done.

So I am opening up the invitation to our friends to come and see Cameron. I am so excited to have you come see him and to see all of you. I feel like we have been cooped up from the outside world for long enough. Just give us a call or e-mail so we can set things up.

Also I was able to log into the Expectnet poll on the blog to post the winner of the game to guess the stats for Cameron. You can just click on the picture to see who won.

Thanks

Thank you so much everyone for all the supportive phone calls, e-mails and comments about the breastfeeding issues. You have no idea how much that meant to me. It was so hard and such a hard decision to make. I truly appreciate all the support.

Cameron is doing so awesome. He is back to birth weight plus a couple ounces. He is a pretty good baby. He is sleeping fairly well and when he is alert it is so fun to talk to him and interact with him. He does smile at us even though I know it is involuntary, I still enjoy it.

Rich is back to work part time and Cam and I are hanging out together while he is at work. Rich will be working full time next week. I am dreading that time next week. It is nice to have the help for part of the day.

Random Thoughts

Things are going as well as to be expected with a newborn at our house. Cameron is so cute and adorable. I am so in love with him. The first few days were rough but we are all learning more about each other and what works for us.

Breastfeeding is just not going to go for me. I had a feeling that this might happen, but it is still disappointing to me as it is something I really wanted to do for him. He will not latch on and my milk is just not coming in at all. My last two pumpings I got nothing on the left and only enough for the bottom of the bottle on the right. He is going to be a formula kid. I have come to except it now, so please don't flame me. I am my own worst critic and have beat myself up enough on this already.

I know a lot of you that read this blog are friends in real life as well. We really want you to see Cameron and come hang out with us for the adult interaction, but we are getting so bombarded with family that we are really getting tired of it today. So please know that we love you guys and want to see you and for you to see Cameron, but we need a break from visitors. Hopefully this week things will die down with the visitors as he won't be as new and the family visitors will be satisfied for a while.

Rough

Things are pretty rough right now in the Burns' household. Much to be expected with a newborn. Cameron is absolutely adorable and we are just trying to get things figured out. We are amazed at how exhausted we are and how tiring our little guy can make us. Breastfeeding is not going well, but I got some great help today that will hopefully fix things around again. Cameron got too dehydrated on Thursday so we had to break down and supplement him with formula. That was a hard blow to take for me, but my milk is starting to come in so hopefully we can fix the issues.

Sometime soon I need to post my birth story. It truly was an amazing experience. Just what I had hoped for and more. In case some of you didn't know I had a natural child birth which I never thought I would be able to accomplish, but I did it. Cameron was also born in the water in a big jacuzzi tub.

Mrs Spock, the water birth truly was the best experience for us. I hope you get to have yours too.

By the way, I have been Hep.arin shot free since Saturday night at 7:00. It was so thrilling to turn that alarm off on my phone.

Cletus is here!!!

Announcing the long awaited arrival of Cletus now known as:

Cameron David
Born April 14, 2008 at 12:42 pm
6 Lbs 6.5 ozs
19 in long

We are so in love with our little man already. We are all home and doing well. Billirubin is a little high so going to the peditrician tomorrow. Now here is what everyone is waiting for . . . pictures

Cletus time

Headed for the hospital now. Contractions are getting closer and more intense 4-5 min apart. Hopefully he will be here soon. No internet at the hospital so we will try and get updates when we can. I am an emotional mess, but so happy & excited. Send us some easy labor vibes. Thanks everyone!!

Last Day and Due Date

Today is Cletus' due date. He obviously didn't get the memo that he can come out today. Actually he can come out any day. We are so ready for this to be over. I am actually going to change our answering machine message for our family that keeps calling to say something snotty about the baby not being here yet and we will let them know when he is here. We are both tired of that.

Today is my last day of work for 10 full weeks!!! I am so excited. Everything is caught up and I am ready to go. Just have to tidy up a little bit and put everything on out of office. I am so excited. Now it would be just perfect for him to show up this weekend so I don't waste any of my time without him here.

It is just so unreal to me that today is the day. I never thought we would get here. Hopefully soon we will be holding Cletus in our arms and looking at his little face. This has been an amazing journey and I want to thank everyone for their support. I hope you will stay with us for the next part of the ride. I am sure it will be thrilling as well.

Dr Appt Today

Now according to the Dr I am 1 cm and 100% thinned out. This is the same Dr that checked me last week so I think I trust him more. Today was much more pleasant for checking me as well. I told Dr W about the horrible experience I had with the nurse in triage. He asked me her name and what she looked like. He made a comment that he didn’t know what she was feeling. Anyway, my contractions on the monitor were 2-5min apart. They were pretty intense as well. Dr W said he would be surprised to see me in the office next week. He is the same one who said he thought it would be last weekend and it wasn’t so I am not taking much stock in his opinion.

Dr W said if I was more dilated he would break my water this week to put me into labor, but he said if I was here next week he would definitely do it then. So there is an end in sight.

Bragging Rights

This is totally off topic, but who wants to hear me complain about Cletus still not being here? No one? That’s what I figured.

Rich & I did a fantasy hockey league for the second half of the season. I sucked big time at it. A friend of ours did a college basketball bracket online so I decided to take my chances there. Every year I have paid to have a bracket I loose big time. This one was free. Guess who won?!?!?! I did!!! I also have a world rank of 182 out of at least 45,000. I am very proud of myself since I have never won or come close any other year. My guesses were totally random and done at the last minute. I beat Rich by only one point, but I still beat him.

Yeah!!! Thank you Kansas!

Triage visit

I thought my water was leaking after I soaked thru twice in 1.5 hrs. I also got really sick this morning after eating breakfast. So called the on-call Dr and he said to come in even though contractions were not consistent. We get our stuff together in the car and head out. We are in no hurry since I called and the birthing center is full and I will be going to L & D. We stopped to get some stuff we forgot and some lunch. So we get to the hospital and get checked in. The take us to triage. They are not happy to see me and say we will take her in a disgusted tone.

The nurse finally comes over and asks me what is going on. I tell her I think my water is leaking and she says everyone thinks their water is leaking today. Not off to a very good start. She hooks me up to the monitors and then the fun starts. Cletus is doing great and looks good. I am having contractions that are 3 min apart and going up to 75 on the chart. Rich is all about the monitors and the numbers. He keeps talking about how big they are getting and how long they are lasting. Eventually I have to tell him to stop because I obviously can tell they are getting more intense and don't need him to tell me.

At the time we are in triage the cleaning crew is there doing their thing. We have to wait until they are done before we can go in the exam room. Finally I get in there. I should have run away at this point. The nurse comes in and says she is going to swab for fluid and then check me. I have had so many exams at this point in the journey and have had many different people examine me. This nurse was the absolute worst in history. The speculum hurt going in to do the swab for fluid. Turns out it is not water just a bunch of end of pregnancy stuff. This was pretty uncomfortable, but the worst is yet to come. She says she is going to check me. I think she put her whole arm up there. I actually raised off the table and was breathing like I had a horrible contraction. About this time another nurse actually walked in to try and talk to the nurse with her arm up me. There was good news though. I am 2 cm now and 50% effaced. Needless to say I told Rich I refuse to go back to triage ever again. I was absolutely appaled and the way she checked me. Both of the Drs in the practice I go to have checked me and neither one of them were as rough and painful as she was today. Actually both of them were pretty normal compared to today.

So we are still here waiting at home for Cletus to decide it is time to come out. Now I know that my water is not leaking though. No more going to triage for me.

It's time!? Updated

Update: False Alarm :-(

Cletus must like power tools, Chainsaw to be specific. Nothing had happened last night or this morning. Thinking it was safe to go outside and start cutting up the 2 trees that fell and smashed our fence no sooner did I start the chainsaw up and start cutting there appears Jennifer telling me she thinks her water broke. Contractions are frequent and intense, definitely appears water is broken, shower, call doctor and off to the hospital seems to be in our future. Stay tuned.

No Cletus!

I have hit the brick wall today. I am ready to be done. Yesterday I was really excited because I really thought that was it. Today not so much. No contractions since 9:00 last night. I am so exhausted and I slept almost 10 hrs. What is going on here?

I am pretty sure he dropped last night so that is some progress. I was having pretty good contractions during and after our walk, but then they stopped. It did get us motivated to pack our bags though. Except for a few last minute things we are good to go.

I tried really hard during this pregnancy not to complain or say anything bad about being pregnant. I know after so long of trying and waiting I wanted to enjoy the pregnancy. I didn’t want to be whiny or complain about the mundane stuff. Even the morning sickness I was ok with because that meant he was still growing nice and strong in the womb. I always hard a hard time with the women who constantly complained about something with their pregnancies and about being miserable and wanting to be done. It hurt to have to listen or read that and know that I would have given anything for that feeling. Now I understand though. The end of this miracle journey SUCKS!!!!! I am tired, my hips hurt, my feet are always swollen up to cankles, I can’t do anything that I want to, I want to be done working, I am tired of waiting for labor to start up for real, contractions are a bitch, I hate when he head butts my cervix and I want to see Cletus!!! I am just crabby today. Rant over.

Progress

I know this post will get everyone excited, but the read the one about the car seat that Rich wrote. It is really funny now. I am so glad he doesn't have a black eye. I told him that would figure though, me go into labor and he has a black eye in all the pics. They asked me if I was an abusive relationship already, but they may ask him the same question.

Anyway, I went to the Dr for my weekly appt this week. Had the NST done and started having regular contraction pattern of every 3-4 mins. They were getting pretty strong too. I could tell when they were coming and would watch them on the monitor. Dr. W checked me and I am 1 cm dilated and very thinned out. He said that should mean a shorter labor hopefully. He said he didn't want to say easy labor because labor is never easy. He said he hoped to see me before the end of the weekend if not tomorrow. Yeah!!!!!!!! I was so freaking excited leaving there. I called Rich to let him know we may be having a baby this week!!!

Unfortunately the contractions tapered off, but they are picking up again. We plan to go for a long walk in the neighborhood tonight to try and start things in a regular pattern. We are so ready to meet Cletus!!! Good thing we got the car seat in the car.

Car Seat!

I put the car seat in last night. Are you ready to laugh? First of all, you always hear these horror stories about people putting their car seat in. Well I thought, it can't be that bad, I am smart, I can read and follow directions.
Step 1: clean out the car. No problem I have a shop vac, that should do the trick. Grab the extension cord, plug it in, carry the other end out to the driveway, try to plug in the shop vac and it won't fit. I had an extension cord without a 2 prong receptacle and a shop vac cord with a grounding plug. Back to the garage, get the other extension cord, plug it in, head for the driveway, whoops, it isn't long enough to reach the car. Go inside, get the keys, pull the car forward, and finally I can vacuum.
Step 2: educate myself on installing the seat. So I sit down and read through the instruction booklet before ever going back outside. The car came with a plastic card in the owners manual telling and illustrating that child seat anchors are located at the base of the seat behind the seat cushions. So I go outside all prepared to use the anchors, get the strap laid out and start looking for the anchors. There aren't any! Go figure, just like everything else you buy these days, the manufacture is too lazy to figure out which specific model you bought and make a specific set of manuals for that model, so they just give you everything for all the models. Now I could understand the owners manual having a page that said "if your vehicle has these, this is where they would be", but to put a separate card specifically about the anchors in a model that doesn't have them is just lazy and stupid.
Step 3: Reeducate. So back inside I go, sit down and read the instructions for how to install it using the factory seat belt. Reeducated I go back outside and start over. First I have to extract the middle seatbelt from between and beneath the seats where it has been hiding through 6 years of non-use. Way short on patience by this point I start pulling and pulling until I get to the end and the buckle gets stuck. No problem, I'll just give it a tug and....WHACK! The buckle comes loose, flies at my face and hits me right in the eye. A couple of obscenities, some pacing around and already I can feel my face getting puffy. Not to be defeated, I return to the backseat, thread the belt through the seat base and fasten it snugly but not tightly. See, I read all the instructions before getting started, smart huh? The base is obviously not level and I know it needs to be so I fully extend the level adjustment and it looks a lot better. Snug the belt up some more and snap the seat in. Not quite level. But I know, roll up a towel and put it under the base. Why a towel? Why something soft and forgiving? Don't you want this sucker strapped in tight? But I follow the instructions, roll the towel as tightly as I can and place it under the base. Finally, we have a level seat.
Step 4: Make that sucker tight. These seats are not supposed to move so here's the deal, and I think it worked pretty well. Pull the belt as tight as you can while pressing your knee into the seat like the instructions say. After that I felt the seat was still too loose. So, I unlatched the belt, took about another 2 inches out of it while it was loose, then bounced and pressed on the base with all my weight until I finally got the buckle to latch. I WIN!! That seat isn't budging!
Step 5: Put ice on my face. Luckily today it doesn't look too bad and my eye is not black.

Dominic Vincent is here!!!!

Did that get everyone’s attention? Actually Dominic is our new nephew. He was born yesterday. Everyone is doing well. My SIL had a pretty good labor and was doing great yesterday. We went to see the little guy yesterday afternoon. He is absolutely adorable. Rich told my SIL & BIL that he really was a cute baby and he didn’t have to lie about it!! Rich is the epitome of good manners and timing huh? He has a full head of black hair and my BIL’s little nose. We have some pics at home of him and of us holding him. I will try to get them off the computer soon. It was such an awesome feeling. We want our little guy so bad now too. Dominic’s birth was the last major thing that needed to happen before our little Cletus arrived.

So ummm, I guess I am next then? I can’t even believe that April is here tomorrow. It seems like it was so long ago that this whole thing started and now we are at the end of the road.

The end is near?

I think physically I am so ready to be done. We are getting so excited to meet our little guy!!! I am having more contractions everyday. They aren’t getting any more consistent, but they are getting a little more painful. It is also a little more uncomfortable to get around as well. I have to have help to get up out of a lot of chairs or couches. I also can no longer wear tied shoes. Slip on shoes are my friends now. I also gave up on my wedding rings a few weeks ago. Getting in and out of bed at night is getting to be a comical event as well. Luckily gravity just keeps me rolling in the direction of my big belly!!

I also think that morning sickness is rearing its ugly head again. I actually had to jump out of the truck the other morning to throw up on the side of the road. Rich & I were both shocked at how fast I can still move and get out of the big truck when I have to. I didn’t want to throw up all over the truck or myself so I guess I just did what was instinct.

Birthing classes are over now. One more thing down before the big day!! I am feeling mostly prepared for the labor part now. We need to pack our bags soon. We have almost everything we need together, we just need to pack it. I am having trouble finding a cute outfit to bring him home in. I need to look at some of the kid’s stores I think. None of the regular stores have anything we like.

Cletus still likes to give me a scare every so often. He usually is very active in the afternoons/evenings. Well he has been having some lazy days lately and that is making me nervous. I have been pulling the Doppler out a lot more lately. Of course as soon as I do that he starts kicking like crazy. Also usually the day after a lazy day, he is moving and pushing all day.

I am starting to wrap things up at work just in case I do go early. I am starting to do some training this week and writing up procedures for those taking over while I am gone. I wish I could take off some time before hand, but it just isn’t feasible if I want as much time as possible with him after he gets here.

I hope everyone had a nice Easter. Ours was ok with the usual family running around. I will be glad when that slows down I hope.

Good News

Does anybody remember the game Heads up, 7 up from elementary school? We played it when we had indoor recess, but I don’t remember exactly how it goes. Anyway we couldn’t play that anyway because Cletus is head down!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!! I was so excited. I had my favorite ultrasound tech yesterday again. She has done the last three and she is just so nice and funny. When she said the head was down and I said yes!!!! Really loud and she said well I guess you are excited for that? No version for me.

Cletus is very obviously still a boy which is good since I have started washing up his stuff. He is also practicing breathing. We saw his chest rising and falling so he is practicing breathing the fluid. This means his lungs are mature. His head is measuring 3 weeks ahead, but she had a hard time getting a good measurement. At this point it is really hard to get a good measurement and everything is a guess. This also means he could be making an appearance at any time. So that means we need to kick it into high gear and get things ready.

We are going to put the car seat in this weekend and probably start getting the bags packed. We still have some more organizing/cleaning to do, but we really have been working on that so we don’t have too much left. I hope to get it done soon so we can relax some before he gets here.

Rich & I went to the Blue Jackets game as a last sort of big event before Cletus gets here last Sunday. We had a ton of fun. Cletus loved it and was active the whole first period. We got some pictures that maybe I can get Rich to get off the camera and post this weekend. I was disappointed I didn’t get on TV or anything, but we still had a blast there. And they won which was great too. The only thing that would have made it perfect was a fight!!

I think Rich & I are finally coming to the realization that Cletus is going to be here soon. I think the ultrasound yesterday really brought things home for both of us. I feel like I still didn’t know if this was really going to work out, even now. I think Rich may be starting to worry a little bit about him coming soon. Last night I had a few contractions that were a little too close together for him, so he made me sit down. It was really cute; Rich told me “Those are too close together, sit down”. Then I was cleaning the clothes off the glider to sit down and that wasn’t fast enough for him. I also have been a cleaning/nesting machine the past few days which they told us can happen a couple weeks before the birth. I have been going longer than Rich after work now with getting things organized.

I am getting so excited to meet our little guy!!! I can’t wait to see what he looks like. 37 weeks today so full term. Yeah!

As I get bigger, am I getting crazier?

I really think that I am. I had a Dr Appt and NST again yesterday. I also had the Group B strep test done. Cletus is still chugging along doing fine. I am having BH contractions but they aren’t painful normally and not regular at all. So anyway Dr. H says he is going to check me as well. Ok fine since you’re already down there. Well I wasn’t “prepared” for the checking. He was pretty far up there and I made a whoa sound. Dr. H starts cracking up laughing. He said he never had a pt almost yodel during the cer.vix check. We both are dying laughing by then. He tells me he is so glad to have a pt like me. I tell him I like to make it interesting otherwise it would be boring and mundane. Plus this time it was just what happened. He is so funny. I really hope he gets to deliver Cletus. Dr. H knows about Cletus’ nickname now, but thought that was going to be his real name. He seemed a little worried about that. He said he delivered a Cletus a couple years ago.

So anyway I go out to the receptionist to schedule my next appt. She asks me about Yodeling lessons. I was like what? She said Dr. H told her to ask me about yodeling lessons. So I tell her why he said that. She apologized and said if she would’ve known what the reason was she wouldn’t have asked. She said he was in rare form that day and they needed to watch him.

Next week is the U/S to check and see if he is head down or breech. If he is still breech Dr. H recommended the version to try and turn him from the outside. If that doesn’t work then we will have to schedule a c-section. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but it might. So everyone give me some head down flipping vibes for my stubborn boy Cletus.

The furniture is finally all unpacked and in the room. Both of us are in love with the furniture and the glider especially. It is awesome. I sat in there last night to go thru some baby stuff. I told Rich it actually looks like a baby’s room now. The rest of the house still needs some work, but slowly we are getting everything organized and ready to go for Cletus.

I am offensive to some

We started birthing classes last week. Yesterday was the second one. We have not had the instructor we are supposed to at all. Both nights have been different instructors. First night was boring. Last night I was hoping for better. Part of it was and part of it wasn’t. The first part was blah. I can read myself. Then we took a break and we could try out birthing balls and the aromatherapy stuff they had there. I went up to smell the stuff and made a comment to Rich and one of the other fathers there overheard it. He proceeds to tell it to the rest of the class.

For some background, there is a town close to us that is a cool place, but has a lot of alternative life styles there. The natural and herbal life is something that is highly promoted there. When you go into stores there it smells like a lot of herbs, the legal kind, which people like to use. I have nothing against this and I use them sometimes as well.

So I told Rich that it smelled like this town. The other dad told that out loud to the rest of the class. One of the other girls there got offended and said their house didn’t smell like that. I was a little embarrassed. Some of the others thought it was funny at least. Oh well, it was just supposed to be for Rich’s ears only but no control over that one.

The rest of the class was really nice. We practiced coping techniques and massage techniques. Yeah baby!!! That is what I was waiting for. It was so nice that when we practiced the pain of contractions with ice it didn’t even bother me. I was able to concentrate on what Rich was doing which was awesome. I am feeling more comfortable with the labor part now. I am just hoping I get to that point.

Last night was very eye opening and surreal. I almost lost it several times because it was just amazing to be there practicing for Cletus’ birth. It was also very nice to just relax and be with Rich without worrying about doing anything to prepare for the baby or have dogs interrupt our time together. We both agreed that part was worth it. The bean bags for two were so nice to relax in. We want one for at home now. It was also good to see all the different ways to cope and discuss what I want and don’t want. I think they aren’t going to know what to do with us since I think we function differently than most people.

I got some not so great news regarding my maternity leave today. I am too emotional to write about it now, but I am very sad that my plan isn’t going to work out the way I had hoped.

Will Cletus see snow?

A blizzard in March?! I mean, I remember having snow on the ground at Easter a couple of times when I was a kid, but not a blizzard. Anyway, I am not suggesting that I think it will snow the second week of April, but rather that piles of snow might still be around. In particular, the pile of snow that is next to my driveway, coined the Brrrrr-lin Wall. At first it was just called the wall. Then it started to get big so I called it the great wall. But by the time I finished I was getting cold so now it is called the Brrrr-lin Wall. Measuring 21 feet long by 10 feet deep at the base and reaching 7 feet in height, I think it will be around for a while. The question is, will the wall melt first, or will Cletus be born first?

Baby Shower Done!

The shower is over and I am so overwhelmed with the generosity of everyone. I was shocked at how much we received. I do not like to be the center of attention so that was very hard for me. I hope I did ok and that everyone had some fun. We threw out one of the games at the last minute because I felt everyone was gamed out. It was very hectic before getting everything set up because they told me that the room was taken and that people were already decorating. Turns out there was another baby shower that day and they got us confused. I was about ready to throw a pregnancy hormone fit at the front desk.

I am sorry if you were there and I didn’t get to spend anytime with you. There was some drama with my mom that day. I don’t know what was up her butt that day, but she was just pissed at the world. We don’t have very many pictures of her smiling and she wouldn’t socialize with anyone. Unfortunately we don’t speak to any of my relatives so none of them were there. That made it hard for me because I could see it and it just was disappointing. Rich said he saw her afterwards ranting and raving about it.

Anyway, kudos to Rich for stepping in that day. He did everything I asked without complaint. It was great to have him up front to direct people (when he wasn’t distracted by trying to get a drink) and for taking some pictures for me. I know a baby shower isn’t fun for guys but I truly appreciate him being there. Get your tools ready babe; we have a lot of stuff to put together now!!

We got the crib put together on Saturday night. It is gorgeous!!! Rich keeps talking about how much he loves Cletus’ furniture. It is very nice. We also got the armoire put up Sunday after the shower. I have done 2 loads of baby clothes and they are ready to be put away in there. We still have the changing table and glider to get set up but it really is starting to come together.

Massages

Jennifer and I went to get the massages that she planned for us for Valentine's Day last night. They were supposed to happen a week ago but we got snowed out. Mine was mediocre, perhaps I am spoiled by having a sister-in-law that is excellent when it comes to giving a massage but Jennifer felt really good afterwards and where we went is one of the few places around that specializes in pregnancy massages so I am glad she was able to get one and it felt so good. Anyway, in the spirit of my role of entertaining Jennifer whenever we are out, as I was going through the questionnaire I blurted my parenthetical thought below out loud. Jennifer laughed so hard she cried because she thought I was serious. I was at the medical/physical history part.....

Have you ever had any of the following?
Headaches - Yes
Connective Tissue Disorders - No
Liver Problems - No
Heart Disorders - No
Neck Pain - Yes
Sprains/Broken Bones - Yes
HIV/AIDS - No
High Blood Pressure - No
Diabetes - No
Accidents - (Um... car wreck or pee your pants? Well, both apply even if I was only 2).- Yes, They did said have you EVER......

He is my son

So today’s Dr appt and non-stress test was not the most joyful news to hear. My BP is up 138/92. The Dr took it again after the NST and it was better, but it is still something that I need to keep an eye on. She had a hard time getting the NST hooked up and going and it wasn’t too pleasant a position for me. I had 2 contractions in the ½ hr I was hooked up. Didn’t even feel them though. Dr. W kept asking me if I felt them but I didn’t. I did feel the one on the way back to work though.

The worst news is that he is still breech. Dr. W said it is a good thing that he can move him around so he can still flip, but it is making me nervous. I have an ultrasound in 3 weeks to check his position. If he is still breech then we will schedule a version which is where they externally rotate him into the head down position. I have heard it is very painful. I am hoping to avoid that so sending me flipper vibes would be good. If the version doesn’t work then he could still flip before I go into labor. Otherwise I will be having a c-section. Not the end result I had hoped for, but a healthy baby is what matters most. At least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself through this emotional hysteria.

This child is most definitely my son though. I think he will flip when he is ready. That is so me and my attitude. I didn’t learn to swim until I was like 28 or 29. I just had no desire to do it. Then when Rich & I were on vacation in Myrtle Beach I told him that I wanted him to teach me to swim. So now I know. I am not an Olympian by any means, but I know the basics and can swim laps if I want to. You can’t force me to do things. I have to do them when I am ready and willing. So I think Cletus is getting this attitude of not flipping yet from me. Maybe he just isn’t ready yet and no one can force him, not even me. Me of all people should understand this.

Three coats and we are done

The stars are done!!! We are so excited. They look incredible!!! Better than I expected. Rich did such an awesome job!! I am so happy and thankful that he went along with my vision and made them look so neat!! We are so happy to be done painting. Now onto the unboxing and setting up the furniture. I can't wait to organize the room and put away his little things.